The Hater’s Guide to the Postseason: NFC 3rd Seed — Minnesota Vikings
If you find yourself confronted with an NFL postseason without a rooting interest and unmoved by Don Cheadle soliloquies, you must draw from the well of that most powerful of human emotions. Ok, well, lust probably won’t do here. But the second most powerful, hate, will serve as a fine proxy. This is one in a series of posts filled with bile, spleen, vitriol and all-around nastiness toward all the teams involved with the sordid roundelay we know as the NFL Playoffs.
This is Drew Magary, world’s skinniest Vikings fan.
If you hate the Vikings, it’s probably because of him. Because otherwise who gives a shit about the Vikings? I mean, honestly, it’s the Vikings.
Their fans are doncha-know dipshits. They hate Brad Childress, not undeservedly so, but then this is a team helmed by Mike Tice and Denny Green the previous 14 years. What towering standard of coaching have you assholes somehow become accustomed to? “Skol, Vikings” makes Jared Allen want some chaw. The team backed into the playoffs thanks to squeaking by the Giants reserves while the Bears were choking away their opportunity to take the NFC North.
If there were a division the NFL should retract, it is the most definitely the NFC West. Then the AFC West. BUT THEN THE NFC NORTH! God, they’re all terrible.
I don’t know much about Minne-snow-ta, but I can extend a mighty fuck-an-ice-dildo for inflicting the only known white emo rapper, Atmosphere, on the rest of us.
But, back to Drew, because he demands attention at all times. He once wrote this glowing review of Sigur Ros, who are known, among being the background music for hipster orgies, for singing in a lilting made-up language called Vonlenska:
“Scared of the language barrier? Don’t be. Like any opera, the emotion comes through regardless of whether or not you can understand the words. From the dazzle of ‘Svefn-G-Englar’ to the Celtic waterfall of ‘Olsen Olsen,’ Sigur Ros bursts with feelings of hope, despair, happiness, sadness, and all points in between, perhaps even creating new emotions as they go along. It’s an incredible achievement, not likely to be matched by anybody anytime soon. Unless you count the band itself, but they may have moved on to another solar system by then.”
What a douche.
Also, among his many annoying verbal tics, Drew appends “yes?” onto all of his questions. (For example: The Redskins are going to hire Shanahan now, yes?) As if to say, LOOK I’M ASKING A QUESTION BUT I REALLY WANT AN AFFIRMATION OF MY BELIEFS AND I’VE EVEN GONE TO THE TROUBLE OF PROVIDING YOU AN APPROPRIATE ANSWER AT THE END OF MY INQUIRY! SAY IT! SAY YES NOW! DO IT! YOU KNOW I’M RIGHT!
Fuck him and the Vikings with a frozen swordfish.
Tags: hater's guide to the postseason, nice replica asshole, sorry drew don't eat me, still no hope for the vikings, xmas ape
January 1st, 2009 at 12:10 pm
Oh, I agree, fuck Drew and the Vikings in the ass, yes? But at least he doesn’t own a cat, so he’s not the douchiest KSKer
January 1st, 2009 at 12:15 pm
I saw Sigur Ros at Bonnaroo last June. Talk about a buzzkill. And I left the Lupe Fiasco tent to check that crap out. I guess I was missing the “don’t do that” guy that day.
January 1st, 2009 at 12:15 pm
Remember that time the Faclons went in to the dome and Gary Anderson missed his first field goal of the year? That was such a beautiful moment, I cried. Fuck the horn after every false start by the other team or 2 yard run, fuck Brad Childress’s shiny head blinding me every time he turns to the left, fuck Jared Allen (have another one rummy), fuck Chris Hovan’s no talent ass, fuck an owner named Ziggy, and Fuck The Vikings!
January 1st, 2009 at 12:23 pm
But how does Drew feel about the Steelers?
January 1st, 2009 at 12:29 pm
I can’t believe you would fuck with a guy who by way of pictures and his own discriptions is bigger than Pat Williams. Bigger than Andre, able to piss off Buzz with simple swear words, you better hope your cat is secretly a ninja.
January 1st, 2009 at 12:30 pm
Huh. Ape really doesn’t like Sigur Ros.
January 1st, 2009 at 12:31 pm
Outstanding, Ape.
If the original Norse Vikings were around, they would kill Childress with a battle axe, and return to Iceland to rid the world of Sigur Ros.
January 1st, 2009 at 12:32 pm
Can’t believe you didn’t mention the jerseys. Looking for a sure-fire way to make a 300 pound animal look like a weeping, yeast-ridden vagina? Drape him in purple
January 1st, 2009 at 12:33 pm
Yeah, the Vikes are the real original purple assholes. But the Ravens have perfected it with the purple camo.
January 1st, 2009 at 12:33 pm
Fuck the Vikings and their fans. This is a fanbase so inbred and retarded that they make Packer fans look sober and rational. Fucking Scandahoovian blockhead douchebags.
You better bring lots of Ho-Hos to distract Reid, or he’s going to coach circles around that dipshit Childress.
/Gets “blue-veiner” hate chubby
January 1st, 2009 at 12:40 pm
Be honest. You literally just wrote that minnesnowta entry, yes?
January 1st, 2009 at 12:41 pm
“Singing in an invented language” = “Can’t write songs, but can moan.”
That shit is terrrrrible.
January 1st, 2009 at 12:55 pm
MOAR SIGUR ROS HATE, PLZ
January 1st, 2009 at 1:00 pm
Now I can’t wait for the Steelers entry.
January 1st, 2009 at 1:05 pm
To be fair, while Minnesota tortured us with Atmosphere, it also produced one of the finest underground artists out – Brother Ali. Sometimes you gotta take the bad with the good…
January 1st, 2009 at 1:08 pm
This is true. Brother Ali is amazing. “Letter From the Government” was one of my favorite tracks of 2007.
January 1st, 2009 at 1:13 pm
After the swordfish buggery, I’d suggest a nice lutefisk snack followed by a rim job from a hungry northern pike.
January 1st, 2009 at 1:29 pm
Magary? More like Fagary!!!
Someone has to teach the kids the classics, yes?
January 1st, 2009 at 1:54 pm
I can only rant about Purple Jesus pretty much single handedly destroying my fantasy season. LEARN CONSISTENCY AND NOT FUMBLING, ASSHOLE.
However, watching the Colts come from behind and win was pretty awesome. So, this one’s a wash for me.
January 1st, 2009 at 1:57 pm
More “nice replica asshole” tags, yes?
Skol, get fucked Vikings!
Faggots.
January 1st, 2009 at 1:57 pm
@nfsffw: Osteichthyes rape?
Re nice replica asshole tag: BDD has a nice Bryant McKinnie replica asshole, too? Does he also have a Fred Smoot replica duo-dildo and a Visanthe Shiancoe replica towel?
January 1st, 2009 at 1:59 pm
bonnaroo,the little music festival that could. i thought that shit would flop,but dirty people from all over come to the shit town of manchester just down the road from the ville to smoke their heady nugs and sleep in mud! i got free passes two years ago for being a “graffiti exhibitor”. ha! and it may label me with the “FAG” card (thats why i love the discreet nature of blog sites) but i like sigur ros! (ex gf used to get wet to that shit). but ATMOSPHERE (unfortuantely,another moisturizer for my ex gf),FUCK YOU MINNESOTA for giving us this prick. you created him,now you must destroy him! please
January 1st, 2009 at 2:36 pm
“I finally drank myself to death.
It’s turned to laughs.
I’m turning red outside on Cedar St.
It’s twenty-two degrees.
I’m screaming:
M-I-N-N-E-A-P-O-L-I-S CAN KISS MY ASS IN HELL”
January 1st, 2009 at 2:39 pm
You know Drew read this post and spent ten minutes shirtless in front of a mirror telling himself he really is that fat.
January 1st, 2009 at 2:41 pm
I like Atmosphere.
January 1st, 2009 at 2:58 pm
The View > The Brad and Tarvaris Show
January 1st, 2009 at 3:07 pm
Wow, a lot of hostility here against what I once thought was a mild and inoffensive populus.
That being said, I hope all of you bitches get fucked up the ass with an ice auger.
January 1st, 2009 at 3:18 pm
As a life-long Minnesota Vikings fan (long-suffering, too) I was looking forward to the Minnesota post in the Hater’s Guide. Meh.
Well, that was different. Uff-dah. Yah, y’know, hey. You betcha! Time for more lutefisk, pickled herring, Grain Belt Premium (”Have A Premo Night!”) and arguing very politely about which Scandinavian country is best (I’m for Norway) while a blizzard is raging outside.
January 1st, 2009 at 3:23 pm
So Drew wears jerseys as well. huh. Coulda sworn he mocked grown men for that at some point.
January 1st, 2009 at 3:42 pm
The extreme weather, “Fargo”(an egregious treason), Louie Anderson and hockey-obsession keep the riff-raff from enjoying quality of life in the North Star State. Minnesota is perfectly content with not being noticed. Lets just go back to the East Coast-centric assholery.
January 1st, 2009 at 4:01 pm
Nothing like some Midwestern passive-aggression towards to coasts.
January 1st, 2009 at 4:46 pm
We’re cool with the West Coast- it’s the East Coast that’s gay.
January 1st, 2009 at 4:46 pm
Where is Drew’s 289 Purple Jesus shirt? Does he even own one?
January 1st, 2009 at 4:50 pm
Also, Midwesterners are, by far, the most modest of anyone in the country. We’re WAY more modest than anyone else.
January 1st, 2009 at 5:20 pm
One more item: Drew’s thing about appending a sentence with an interrogatively-intoned “yes” is not Minnesotan. It probably comes from his New England Academy of Pederasty education or his semester abroad in Jolly Olde England.
January 1st, 2009 at 5:21 pm
Drew looks like a crazed Jon Voight in that picture. Also it set off my gaydar so loudly it startled my neighbors.
January 1st, 2009 at 7:16 pm
I like Atmosphere too. I’ve seen both Brother Ali and the Atmosphere guys in concert and I definitely thought Atmosphere was better.
However, for underground shit, NOBODY is better than MURS. I saw MURS in Bowery- man that was the best performance I’ve ever seen.
January 1st, 2009 at 7:22 pm
Looks like Dwight Schrute
January 1st, 2009 at 8:00 pm
SKÅL VIKINGS!
(note the proper Scandinavian spelling with the diacritical mark above the letter “A”, which makes it sound like an “O”, fücksnäps)
January 1st, 2009 at 8:48 pm
NÅ TITLES!
January 1st, 2009 at 9:17 pm
But..but..but, you can’t hate us! We’re so goddamn harmless. we’re 0-4 fer chrise sake. As I said when frequenting a particularly fine gentleman’s establishment in the french quarter before we beat the Saints on Monday Night Football this year, “Don’t hate us..we’re here to support the local economy.”
January 1st, 2009 at 9:23 pm
@outofmarket: Bomb the Music Industry ftw
I’m willing to cut Minnesota some slack because, while it may be a barren, uninhabitable wasteland, it did give the world Lifter Puller and a couple good Replacements songs. Oh, and Fred Smoot is still the best Viking.
January 1st, 2009 at 9:42 pm
Minnesota is perfectly content with not being noticed. Lets just go back to the East Coast-centric assholery.
Don’t sell yourselves short. Minnesota DEMANDS to be noticed. That statue of Mary Tyler-Moore in downtown Minneapolis is one of the most intensely moving pieces of urban sculpture I have ever seen.
Every time I see Brad Childress, I think of Tom Hanks’ friend in Bachelor Party who gets the hookers from the Indian pimp and then later has sex with the transvestite. Seriously, take away his hair and it’s the same guy.
January 1st, 2009 at 9:47 pm
Its Steelers vs Giants!! Am I right?
January 1st, 2009 at 10:02 pm
+1 Ape.
Now go fuck yourself for talking bad about my squad.
January 1st, 2009 at 11:52 pm
NÅ TITLES!
Well played, Sir Dickface. I cannot counter that riposte- and it dovetails perfectly with the irrational hatred theme of these playoff posts. I also thought I was the only one who knew how to put a Scandinavian ring over a letter “A”, but I underestimated the powers of an PennsylJersey/D.C. computer douche who, for some reason, backs the Steelers.
January 2nd, 2009 at 12:01 am
“An PennsylJersey/D.C. computer douche” is a perfectly crommulent term that embiggens even the smallest douche.
Also, Prince plays WR for the Vikes under the name Bobby Wade. He has no plans on quitting his day-job.
January 2nd, 2009 at 12:02 am
@Gino
I’m leaning more towards copy and paste.
January 2nd, 2009 at 1:12 am
It seems I struck a nerve, Gino.
THE HATE HAS GRADUATED BEYOND MEH-LEVEL!
January 2nd, 2009 at 1:58 am
What, no pointing and laughing at how they couldn’t sell out a playoff game? Talk about some weaksauce hate.
January 2nd, 2009 at 2:39 am
@ Ape
Yah, sure, you betcha, you did strike a hateful, non-”meh”, nerve. Whenever a Vikings fan is confronted with that dreaded “titles” issue, talk of Minnesota’s quality of life, health, arts & culture, education, Nordic beauty of the women, even the Twins’ or Gophers’ hockey success, anything, is bound to be a counter. I do it all the time.
I love your writing, Ape, I really do, but you and your Steelers homerism are the prickliest pear in the in the KSK fruit tree. Emphasis on the fruit. Irrational hatred wins again!
P.S. Drew will definitely eat you. Don’t ask where he’ll start.
January 2nd, 2009 at 9:39 am
Ah, the joys of being scandinavian. Where we actually have a key assigned to only Å/å…
And it really isn’t “O”…
And Denmark’s the best country in Scandinavia… We have the pissy weather without the mountains and the snow… I wish i lived in Norway…
January 2nd, 2009 at 9:53 am
So wait…when did we start giving a shit about the Vikings again?
January 2nd, 2009 at 10:12 am
As moment we started giving a shit about the Saints.
January 2nd, 2009 at 10:46 am
Hey, the Saints were the innovators for much of the way people protest bad teams. Bags over heads? We invented that.
So far the Vikings are known for being the original Bills — and the Bills took that mantle from them!
/still not over that 2000 playoff loss.
January 2nd, 2009 at 11:24 am
Hope you don’t live in Minnesota. Blackout coming your way.
January 2nd, 2009 at 11:57 am
huh…I’ve never met a Vikings fan before, now I have.
I don’t want to generalize, but what a bunch of fucking douche-licking-Loui-L’amour reading – scraping the change out of their wet ashtray so they can afford a small coffee and donut bunch of inbred fucks. Fuck Minnestoa.
January 2nd, 2009 at 12:51 pm
Does that mean you won’t move “Minnestoa”? Aw, shit. The coffee chain here is called Caribou Coffee. “Cause it’s so cold here and everyone’s gay!
January 2nd, 2009 at 1:10 pm
Atmosphere consists of 2 people: Ant (producer) and Slug (mc). Slug is the more visible since he’s the frontman for the group, and while he may look white he is actually mixed.
Regardless of how you feel about Atmosphere’s music, they are largely responsible for paving the roads Brother Ali and Murs now travel. Respect due.
None of the aforementioned musicians think Brad Childress can coach for shit.