The Hater’s Guide to the Postseason: NFC 2nd Seed — Carolina Panthers
If you find yourself confronted with an NFL postseason without a rooting interest and unmoved by Don Cheadle soliloquies, you must draw from the well of that most powerful of human emotions. Ok, well, lust probably won’t do here. But the second most powerful, hate, will serve as a fine proxy. This is one in a series of posts filled with bile, spleen, vitriol and all-around nastiness toward all the teams involved with the sordid roundelay we know as the NFL Playoffs.
Bob Junior: There go the Painthers, flying under the radar. Which is funny, ’cause everybody knows Carolina was FIRST IN FLIGHT! Even if the Wright Brothers were from Ohio, THEY DONE CAME DOWN TO OUR EMPTY WINDSWEPT BEACHES LIKE A BANKER LOOKING FOR A LOW COST OF LIVING!
Soon we’ll be first in football too. I cain put a Super Bowl chaimpions license plate frame around my FIRST IN FLIGHT PLATE!
Eustice: Yessir. FIRST IN FLIGHT! CRADLE OF ‘CUE! PAINTHER PRIDE!
Bob Junior: Panther pride!
Eustice: PAINTHER pride!
Bob Junior: They don’t know about no barbecue in Arizoner. Probably be tailgatin’ at the B of A with some tofu Tex-Mex bullshit.
Eustice: Keep that chili con cockmeat out of The Vault!
Bob Junior: I am worried about their quarterback though. He’s scaled the mountain. He seen the promised land.
Eustice: But Delhomme’s got experience.
Bob Junior: Oh yes. He’s bona fide.
Eustice: Definitely bona fide.
Bob Junior: What’s even more bona fide is our running game. No fly-by-night Edgerrin James fluke game out of the Caroilina ground attack. DeAngelo Williams got shortchanged on that MVP vote. JUST ‘CAUSE HE WAITED UNTIL WEEK 8 TO DO ANYTHING. WE GO AT OUR OWN PACE IN THE SOUTH! I don’t care what nobody say, he and Stewart IS THE REAL SMASH ‘N’ DASH LIKE WE WAS THE FIRST IN FLIGHT!
Eustice: WE ARE FIRST IN FLIGHT!
Bob Junior: We was robbed out of our deserved championship in 2003 by them Yankee cheaters. Not this time. All the pieces are in place for a title run. It’ll be a fine prelude to a Tar Heel national championship.
Eustice: …
Begging your pardon, friend.
Bob Junior: What?
Eustice: What’s this Tar Heel shit? We all know them Blue Devils’ll be cuttin’ down those nets this year.
Bob Junior: What you like them uppity Duke faggots for? You didn’t go there!
Eustice: YOU DIDN’T GO TO CHAPEL HILL!
Bob Junior: I WENT TO UNC-PEMBROKE! THAT’S CLOSE ENOUGH! IT’S PART OF THE STATE SYSTEM!
Eustice: Don’t got no room for Tar Heel bitches in the Panther Pride Parade!
Bob Junior: WELL THEN FUCK PANTHER PRIDE! PSYCHO T ALL DAY! FOOK DOOK!
Eustice: THEN I’LL SEE YOUR ASS FEBRUARY 11. THAT’S THE REAL SUPER BOWL!
Bodean: Let’s not forget Davidson now! Go Stephen! Wooooooooooo Wildcats!
Bob Junior and Eustice: FUCK YOU!
Tags: Anything associated with Bank of America must burn, Carolina only redeemed by Little Brother, fuck you for dawson's creek, hater's guide to the postseason, panther pride, xmas ape
January 6th, 2009 at 9:10 am
Eustice is certainly a cocknozzle for his love of Douche University, but he’s right about one thing — North Carolina has the best fucking barbecue on the planet. I’d fellate Peter King for a plate of pulled pork from Hursey’s in Burlington.
January 6th, 2009 at 9:15 am
So is Eustice from NY or what? Between the profanity and the Duke fandom, it sure seems like he is.
January 6th, 2009 at 9:15 am
Fuck Duke. Go Panthers.
/Mmm…NC bbq
January 6th, 2009 at 9:16 am
In addition to Pooh and Phonte, we also gave ya’ll Bojangles! And Cook-Out (the Southeasts answer to In-n-Out)! And we’re not Atlanta! Redeeming all around.
January 6th, 2009 at 9:17 am
NFL Playoffs – Figuring Out Who To Root For
http://dagblog.com/humor-satire/nfl-playoffs-figuring-out-who-root-383#new
January 6th, 2009 at 9:18 am
+1 for Junebug. LOVE RYAN FROM THE O.C.!!!!
I mean, uh, GRRRR POWER RUNNING GAME
January 6th, 2009 at 9:20 am
Man that Psycho T just works SO HARD. He’s so INTENSE. He just PLAYS THE GAME THE RIGHT WAY. Not like those LAZY NBA types…
January 6th, 2009 at 9:20 am
What, no Marmalard making a surprise appearance on behalf of the Wolfpack?
January 6th, 2009 at 9:20 am
Let’s go NASCAR, here we go!
January 6th, 2009 at 9:27 am
Those Painther fans sure know how to dress for a foozball game don’t they? I’m really digging the skullcap indoors. What is it, like 70 degrees outside? BRRRR, that sure is coild muh man.
January 6th, 2009 at 9:32 am
I’ve had enough of your Dawson’s Creek bashing. Wilmington is a delightful town.
January 6th, 2009 at 9:43 am
No in-staters pull for Duke. That guy would be for NC State. Plus, there should be about a 1000 more NASCAR references to be more accurate. Nice Little Brother shout out though.
January 6th, 2009 at 9:45 am
1. NC uses too much vinegar in their BBQ
2. They also use pork. It can be good, but it’s still inferior meat.
3. 100% accurate that they care more about college basketball than NFL. College basketball is closer to the WNBA in appeal than actual sports.
January 6th, 2009 at 9:48 am
Hate Hate Hate Hate Hate!
January 6th, 2009 at 9:49 am
Thank you, KSK. You’ve allowed me to change the contact name for one of my friends to “Eustice”.
You’ve made me a happy man.
January 6th, 2009 at 9:54 am
Little Brother only (formerly) redeemed by 9th Wonder
January 6th, 2009 at 9:57 am
@peb – Plenty of folks around here pull for Duke (U of NJ at Durham) because they ain’t Carolina. Kinda like we got so many Cowboys fans because they ain’t the Redskins which used to be the only team we saw around here. I hate all of ‘em.
And if any of y’all listen to Charlotte’s own John Boy and Billy, tell ‘em to fuck off and die in a fire. Thank ye kindly.
January 6th, 2009 at 10:05 am
Caroline’s Paynters are going to get the shit knocked out of them by the bastard Cardinals……… no doubt
January 6th, 2009 at 10:09 am
First time the Giants ever played in Charlotte, went to the game…Panthers won…after the game we’re waiting for the women to get out of the bathroom and a dude wearing one of those inflatable helmets walks up to us and says “Boys, you can’t be happy coming to the LAIR” – except he pronounced LAIR with like three syllables…..LIE-ER-UH.
January 6th, 2009 at 10:12 am
Goddamned hillbilly bastards.
January 6th, 2009 at 10:18 am
I said it once and I’ll say it again: Memphis. In. May. You want BBQ? How about a big-ass BBQ contest that leaves an entire freakin’ city smelling of BBQ for a month.
You will get the meat sweats!
January 6th, 2009 at 10:20 am
@Mo Charlo:
Please don’t take this personally, but comments 1 and 2 in your 9:45 message require me to tell you to go fuck yourself.
And if I could make any sense out of “College basketball is closer to the WNBA in appeal than actual sports,” I’d probably tell you to go fuck yourself for that comment too.
January 6th, 2009 at 10:30 am
Claude beat me to it, Mo. You may enjoy a Tixas-sized beef slab slathered in a shitty ketchup sauce, but the rest of us have functioning taste buds.
January 6th, 2009 at 10:33 am
I’ve had just about enough of your UNC-Pembroke bashing, young lady
January 6th, 2009 at 10:34 am
@Mo Charlo:
1 is pretty stupid, but debatable. 2 is absolutely the dumbest fucking thing I have heard from somebody who claims to be speaking intelligently about barbecue.
I hope you choke on your brisket and die.
January 6th, 2009 at 10:34 am
@j4b
Technically, he is outdoors, as the roof to his house was swept away in a tornado a few years ago, and has never been replaced.
January 6th, 2009 at 10:39 am
@Otto – come to the Eastern part of NC … that is if you want true NC barbecue. The stuff in the Triad/West is low-grade dog food.
/waits for Western NC rebuttal
January 6th, 2009 at 10:39 am
As a former yankee in search of a lower cost of living, this really hits a little too close to home.
/Charlotte is now entirely populated with Massholes, Jersey-holes, and Ohioans
January 6th, 2009 at 10:44 am
The Panthers gave the world Personal Seat Licenses.
Fuck them.
January 6th, 2009 at 10:47 am
Here’s one for you: the Yankees in N.C. have nothing on S.C. barbecue.
PS: eff Dook
January 6th, 2009 at 10:49 am
CueFlaWa!
January 6th, 2009 at 10:50 am
No one in from North Carolina cheers for Duke. That’s because no one who went to Duke is from NC nor still lives there. And for the record, NC BBQ is the crappiest BBQ on the planet. Pulled pork dry as sh@t with some vinegar squirted on top. F’in’ brilliant.
January 6th, 2009 at 10:59 am
+1 for the ‘O, Brother Where Art Thou’ reference.
January 6th, 2009 at 10:59 am
Pork is filthy, and for poor people. Have fun eating chitlins.
Sauce was invented by traders to cover up e. coli infested meat, vinegar being the most pungent.
College hoops = Passing, fundamentals, defense, hooray!
CueFlaWa makes waiting for lunch time painful.
January 6th, 2009 at 11:02 am
I didn’t understand a fucking word of this.
January 6th, 2009 at 11:04 am
God forbid people care more about a sport which has had a presence here longer than since the second Clinton term.
That being said, fuck the Panthers, their fans, and Bojangles
January 6th, 2009 at 11:14 am
Ape, I knew as soon as you mentioned BBQ a flame war would start. I can’t believe you didn’t mention UNC Charlotte, and Queens College basketball! Those are some intense fan bases haha. The only thing this post is missing to make it more authentic would be if you had some asshole Ohio State fan start chanting O-H-I-O in the background, those people are fucking everywhere, like cockroaches. Oh and if there are any Ohio State fans out there reading this right now…..nice choke job, YET AGAIN
January 6th, 2009 at 11:16 am
Eustice: Man, I’m gonna get drunk for this game. Like, Myrtle Beach drunk.
January 6th, 2009 at 11:20 am
Also a missed point the 3 Stillers bars in Charlotte which was just another opportunity to have Marmalard come calling back to the State that got him into the league
January 6th, 2009 at 11:22 am
The only thing in North Carolina with less flavor than the BBQ are the beaches.
January 6th, 2009 at 11:27 am
Carolina is the birthplace of Krispy Kreme, the Carolina rig, and of Aviation. (Oh wait, the last one is Ohio…)
January 6th, 2009 at 11:30 am
@Mo Charlo – Before all the bankers and other yankees moved to town, this was a poor place. So take your wine and cheese and go watch the Yale crew get some rowing practice. And pork isn’t for poor folk, that’s good sunday meat. Possum and squirrel is what goes in the stew pot during the lean times.
January 6th, 2009 at 11:30 am
Leitch never paid up on the beer he owes me. The price has been raised to a keg. A pony keg.
January 6th, 2009 at 11:38 am
Best tobacco, best sweet tea, best cue.
January 6th, 2009 at 11:38 am
Worst beaches.
January 6th, 2009 at 11:39 am
@Alvin
Shit you have obviously never been to Jacksonville, NC. Let’s just say awesome beaches with CHICKS EVERYWHERE….oh wait no…dudes everywhere…that’s it…dudes…
/That city fucking blows
January 6th, 2009 at 11:39 am
Three Stillers bars in Charlotte?
There are five in Charleston, SC.
Once again, Charleston finds itself better.
January 6th, 2009 at 11:42 am
Beautiful beaches, protected from the harsh waves of the Atlantic by a gorgeous string of Outerbank islands…
Bountiful Bojangles Cajun Chicken biscuits (the institution responsible for this fantastic piece of pop-art: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0XKhRx3udxk)...
Steve Motherfuckin’ Smith??
This place sounds like a shit hole.
Now onto the barbeque.
Nothing in the world can touch Eastern NC BBQ you Hunt’s Catsup swilling gustatory philistines. The reason Texans eat Brisket is because no one else in the country can chew through it. Memphis ribs are a reasonable alternative, but there’s a purity to whole-hog smoking that is untouched by mere pieces of an animal. SC’s mustard abomination is simply a resaucing of the NC smoked hog.
Homer: Are you saying you’re never going to eat any animal again? What about bacon?
Lisa: No.
Homer: Ham?
Lisa: No.
Homer: Pork chops?
Lisa: Dad, those all come from the same animal.
Homer: Heh heh heh. Ooh, yeah, right, Lisa. A wonderful, magical animal.
January 6th, 2009 at 11:43 am
Needs more footbaw.
January 6th, 2009 at 11:52 am
@Day Man:
Or you could go to Topsail and end your relaxing day with a warm glass of milk.
/No bars in that place
January 6th, 2009 at 12:07 pm
Dude, nobody from North Carolina roots for Duke. Eustice would really be saying “Go Paick!”
January 6th, 2009 at 12:11 pm
Fine, none of the NC natives root for Duke. No one should root for Duke. The point is they care about college hoops more than the NFL.
January 6th, 2009 at 12:14 pm
Fine, but SoCal has the best fish tacos!
/feeling left out of BBQ discussion
//also, feeling left out of NFL
///no, San Diego does not count
January 6th, 2009 at 12:22 pm
Carolina showed love to Kerry Collins when he was still on the bottle AND a racist! And inspired Kevin Greene to become the first athlete to require a ‘no wrestling’ contract clause!
And a couple of us root for Duke…although admittedly it is a bit like pulling for The Dark Side (keep in mind, kobe wanted to come here until he realized he could make millions upon millions of dollars AND begin railing hot white girl ass, instead of the jewey/fugly asians around…unc murders duke in women, granted)
January 6th, 2009 at 12:22 pm
“Best tobacco, best sweet tea, best cue.” = Cancer, foppish dandies, vinegar.
@Warthog: point taken.
January 6th, 2009 at 12:40 pm
Too true about ACC basketball bieng the more popular sport
January 6th, 2009 at 1:06 pm
http://www.mamadips.com/
Skip the bbq. Order the greens and ask what’s best that day. Country cooking Mecca.
Carolina barbeque (north or south) = “Hey, I don’t have enough of a palette to appreciate subtlety, so just douse it in sauce so strong that my atrophied tongue can pretend it’s tasting something.” It’s like going to a shitty local metal band and standing next to the speakers so that you’re too deaf to hear the flubbed notes.
January 6th, 2009 at 1:39 pm
What? No love for the #4 Wake Demon Deacons? Poor ugly red-headed step-child of NC hoops.
January 6th, 2009 at 1:43 pm
Mama Dips is heroin in collard form
January 6th, 2009 at 1:56 pm
Pizza > Cheeseburgers > ‘Cue
January 6th, 2009 at 2:47 pm
Pizza > Cheeseburgers > ‘Cue
—–
Incorrect on so many levels.
January 6th, 2009 at 2:53 pm
@Amazo
Do you even know who you’re talking to here?
January 6th, 2009 at 3:27 pm
Well, this is a guide for haters. Did you think the haters weren’t going to show up in the comments section?
/not sorry for starting it.
January 6th, 2009 at 4:15 pm
@Mo – Well played hate, but the best hate comes from folks who also love what they hate.
/Wipes a tear away while reloading.
January 6th, 2009 at 4:42 pm
The best BBQ comes from Railhead BBQ in Fort Worth.
And thank god that all of the yankees have moved to NC, because now that state won’t vote for ignorant, hateful rednecks like Jesse Helms anymore.
/Yeah, I went there.
January 6th, 2009 at 5:04 pm
Best BBQ is from Lockhart, TX. Either Kreuz’s, Smitty’s or Black’s (depends on the day, and what I’m hungry for).
Don’t throw rocks, dinosaur. We live in a glass house.
January 7th, 2009 at 10:50 am
I love how in a post about the Panthers all it becomes is talk on:
1. Duke
2. BBQ
3. hateful bigots like Jesse Helms
Panthers 10, General Fan Apathy 31
January 7th, 2009 at 5:30 pm
“Mama Dips is heroin in collard form”
Now somebody actually knows what he’s talking about
and Charlo is fucking idiot
NC ‘cue shits all over brisket, ribs, et. al. We invtented the shit.
And if you think nobody from NC pull for Dook, then it’s clear you’ve never been to NC.
January 7th, 2009 at 9:59 pm
Powerful Little Brother tag.
June 21st, 2009 at 10:46 am
Great Post.. I had subscribed to your feed. Thanks…. Learn How to Play Guitar | Learn Guitar | Free Guitar Lessons