If you find yourself confronted with an NFL postseason without a rooting interest and unmoved by Don Cheadle soliloquies, you must draw from the well of that most powerful of human emotions. Ok, well, lust probably won’t do here. But the second most powerful, hate, will serve as a fine proxy. This is one in a series of posts filled with bile, spleen, vitriol and all-around nastiness toward all the teams involved with the sordid roundelay we know as the NFL Playoffs.

Bob Junior: There go the Painthers, flying under the radar. Which is funny, ’cause everybody knows Carolina was FIRST IN FLIGHT! Even if the Wright Brothers were from Ohio, THEY DONE CAME DOWN TO OUR EMPTY WINDSWEPT BEACHES LIKE A BANKER LOOKING FOR A LOW COST OF LIVING!

Soon we’ll be first in football too. I cain put a Super Bowl chaimpions license plate frame around my FIRST IN FLIGHT PLATE!

Eustice: Yessir. FIRST IN FLIGHT! CRADLE OF ‘CUE! PAINTHER PRIDE!

Bob Junior: Panther pride!

Eustice: PAINTHER pride!

Bob Junior: They don’t know about no barbecue in Arizoner. Probably be tailgatin’ at the B of A with some tofu Tex-Mex bullshit.

Eustice: Keep that chili con cockmeat out of The Vault!

Bob Junior: I am worried about their quarterback though. He’s scaled the mountain. He seen the promised land.

Eustice: But Delhomme’s got experience.

Bob Junior: Oh yes. He’s bona fide.

Eustice: Definitely bona fide.

Bob Junior: What’s even more bona fide is our running game. No fly-by-night Edgerrin James fluke game out of the Caroilina ground attack. DeAngelo Williams got shortchanged on that MVP vote. JUST ‘CAUSE HE WAITED UNTIL WEEK 8 TO DO ANYTHING. WE GO AT OUR OWN PACE IN THE SOUTH! I don’t care what nobody say, he and Stewart IS THE REAL SMASH ‘N’ DASH LIKE WE WAS THE FIRST IN FLIGHT!

Eustice: WE ARE FIRST IN FLIGHT!

Bob Junior: We was robbed out of our deserved championship in 2003 by them Yankee cheaters. Not this time. All the pieces are in place for a title run. It’ll be a fine prelude to a Tar Heel national championship.

Eustice:

Begging your pardon, friend.

Bob Junior: What?

Eustice: What’s this Tar Heel shit? We all know them Blue Devils’ll be cuttin’ down those nets this year.

Bob Junior: What you like them uppity Duke faggots for? You didn’t go there!

Eustice: YOU DIDN’T GO TO CHAPEL HILL!

Bob Junior: I WENT TO UNC-PEMBROKE! THAT’S CLOSE ENOUGH! IT’S PART OF THE STATE SYSTEM!

Eustice: Don’t got no room for Tar Heel bitches in the Panther Pride Parade!

Bob Junior: WELL THEN FUCK PANTHER PRIDE! PSYCHO T ALL DAY! FOOK DOOK!

Eustice: THEN I’LL SEE YOUR ASS FEBRUARY 11. THAT’S THE REAL SUPER BOWL!

Bodean: Let’s not forget Davidson now! Go Stephen! Wooooooooooo Wildcats!

Bob Junior and Eustice: FUCK YOU!