The Hater’s Guide to the Postseason: AFC 3rd Seed — Miami Dolphins
If you find yourself confronted with an NFL postseason without a rooting interest and unmoved by Don Cheadle soliloquies, you must draw from the well of that most powerful of human emotions. Ok, well, lust probably won’t do here. But the second most powerful, hate, will serve as a fine proxy. This is one in a series of posts filled with bile, spleen, vitriol and all-around nastiness toward all the teams involved with the sordid roundelay we know as the NFL Playoffs.
See, Peezy be an appreciative man. He try to soak in the achievement he team has made going from 1-15 to 11-5 division champions. He wants to reflect on leading the AFC in sacks. He like seeing them Patriots and they asterisks at home. He like all bitches in South Beach get excited for a winner.
But then his boy text him saying we underdogs at home in the playoffs. We meaning the Dolphins? The Dolphins meaning Peezy? Aw shit.
THAT’S DISRESPECT!
How some punk-ass Baltimore bitches who can’t even win they own division favored over us? IN OUR HOUSE! WITH A ROOKIE QUARTERBACK WHO SHILLS FOR WENDY’S 3CONOMICS! PEEZYNOMICS SAYS THE MORE I STUFF YO HEAD UP YO ASS SIDEWAYS, THE MORE I GETS MY CHEESE!
You best fix them lines, Vegas. I’mma lay some money on me going Moe Greene on that ass, Vegas.
Don’t let me see anyone take that line. I’mma find all y’all that that bet and –
Tony Sparano: AY, JOEY!
C’MERE A MINUTE, YA EXCITABLE FUCKIN’ MOULIE!
What’d I tell youse about making with the big mouth? This guy, givin’ me the ol’ mal de testa, over here, I swear.
I gots youse running around and making a fuss while we’re trying to work on running the Wildcat formation that didn’t work the first time we played Baltimore.
Porter: They sayin’ we should lose, Tony. Ain’t you a man of respect?
Sparano: I got you respect right here. [Grabs crotch]
Porter: Funny guy. You gonna let Cam Cameron show you up like that?
Sparano: Let me worry ’bout dat. Here, you deal with this guy.
[Hands Porter a mirror]
Porter: What I need this for? Wait, WHO THIS MOTHERFUCKER IN HERE TRYING TO LOOK LIKE PEEZY!?
YOU BITING MY STYLE, BITCH!
THAT’S DISRESPECT!
GET OUT HERE AND FACE ME SO I CAN MAKE YOU THE PRETEND-PEEZY HUCKLEBERRY YOU IS!
LET’S GO!
OH, I’M FIRED UP NOW! IT’S HALF-SHIRT TIME!
WHAT?! HE DID IT TOO! YOU STEALING MY SHIT!
GET AT ME, PEEZY CLONE!
YEAH, YOU GONNA SIT THERE AND TALK! AIN’T GONNA DO SHIT!
QUIT TALKING WHEN I TALK!
Tags: difficult to hate any team that kept new england out, hater's guide to the postseason, joey porter, last four teams next week, still like peezy just happy i don't have to apologize for him anymore, xmas ape
January 1st, 2009 at 2:49 pm
“PEEZYNOMICS’ and ‘making with the big mouth’, shit thats good!
Oh and fuck the Phish in the goat ass.
January 1st, 2009 at 2:52 pm
Missing a Sparano “Am I right?”
January 1st, 2009 at 3:28 pm
Would love to know who are the Deans of the School of Peezynomics.
January 1st, 2009 at 3:33 pm
There isn’t nearly enough Sparano on this site. FIX YO SITE!
January 1st, 2009 at 3:40 pm
@GPF
Greenspan, Bernanke, Paulson, Madoff……
January 1st, 2009 at 3:57 pm
PEEZYNOMICS SAYS THE MORE I STUFF YO HEAD UP YO ASS SIDEWAYS, THE MORE I GETS MY CHEESE!
I knew someone would emerge to solve our economic woes.
January 1st, 2009 at 4:16 pm
OK, I grew up a Dolphins fan. Then blight, and mediocrity followed. Followed by LAST YEAR. I don’t even know this team.
I am … uncertain? Confused? I know the Pats, Giants and Stillers more than I know this team.
Go Fins..?
January 1st, 2009 at 4:55 pm
No Cloris Leachman jokes with her serving as the grand marshal of the Tournament of Roses?
January 1st, 2009 at 5:08 pm
Should’ve just tossed Mickey from Rockaway lines in for Tony.
January 1st, 2009 at 5:19 pm
So, wait, was Peezy disrespecting himself? When he looked in the mirror, did he enter a Moebius loop of disrespecting? Is Peezy like the Hulk, in that he gets more fired up the more he gets disrespected? Is it possible that, in entering the Moebius disrespect loop, Peezy will become infinitely fired up, and will sack Joe Flacco so hard, he travels through time and sacks all of Flacco’s ancestors? Could we be looking at a situation where Peezy will end up at the beginning of time, sacking ameobas and shit?
I HAVE OWWIE IN MY HEADSPOT.
January 1st, 2009 at 5:23 pm
Ape: Saw Chloris, thought of sex with Leachman jokes, cheese jokes, etc. Ahh, the memories.
January 1st, 2009 at 5:25 pm
HA! They just showed Chloris! Ask and ye shall receive!
January 1st, 2009 at 5:37 pm
Just think of Cloris in “The Last Picture Show.” You’re welcome for that visual.
January 1st, 2009 at 5:55 pm
Joey Porter and Chad can fuck each other in their blow holes!
January 1st, 2009 at 6:22 pm
the greatest part about joey porter,is that in the locker room post game this weekend,he was indeed fired up talking about bragging for chad and yelling at everyone around him,which made me think,the peezy character on this site-not one fucking bit exggerated.joey porter-larger than life
January 1st, 2009 at 6:41 pm
Chad Sexington. Chad Sexington. Chad Sexington.
I’m going to do this until everyone else sees the name of the Miami Dolphin’s quarterback and thinks of the fake Brawny model from the Simpsons episode that was like “Stand By Me.” Even when Ray Lewis stabs him on the field. This is my curse, and I was taught to share.
And if Peezey can fix Joe Flacco’s eyebrow, we’d all be grateful.
January 1st, 2009 at 7:44 pm
I’m hungry for some popcorn, see if LeRon can pop me some of Porter’s muscle brand.
January 1st, 2009 at 8:15 pm
The Dolphins kept the Pats out of the playoffs, they haven’t been relevant for this entire decade and will probably suck again next year. And they’re playing the Ravens. I’m having trouble generating hate here. Even if they do have Peezy.
January 1st, 2009 at 10:46 pm
Peezy gets a pass because he’s so hilarious as a KSKarakter. However, the list of things I wanted to violate his asshole with after the 2005 game was long and spiky, much like the dildo listed at the top of the list.
January 2nd, 2009 at 2:44 am
“YEAH, YOU GONNA SIT THERE AND TALK! AIN’T GONNA DO SHIT!”
That’s another shot at Porter. Clone or no clone.
Peezy don’t play that shit.
Watch your back, Ape!
January 2nd, 2009 at 9:57 am
uh…Monkey…that “the list of things I wanted to violate his asshole with after the 2005 game was long and spiky” line…way too much info.
And yes, it is disrespectful!
Fuck Miami btw!
January 2nd, 2009 at 10:54 am
How long did it take Chloris to flip that coin in the coin toss. She just stared at it…one, one thousand, two, one thousand, three, one thousand…Sanchez finally reached out to jolt her awake and she tossed it. hilarious. Not as funny as Peezy lines. ya nailed Porter. Nailed it. HH@showoffsports.com
January 2nd, 2009 at 10:57 am
Can’t we just have the game decided by a knife fight between Ray-Ray and Peezy at the 50 yard line? This game is going to be brutal. Two rookie QB’s facing two good defenses.
If the game was anyplace but Miami, they’d have 8,000 seats available just like in Minnesota.
January 2nd, 2009 at 11:02 am
Chad Pennington is a rookie?
January 2nd, 2009 at 11:59 am
I just picture Chad coming into the room and being like “oh heyyyy Joseph. That’s a nice mirror you got there. Don’t go talking bad though, I kind of think the guy in the mirror is a nice person. *wink* Wanna help me unload these Home Depot supplies I bought to help build homes for the elderly?”
January 2nd, 2009 at 2:37 pm
Simmons on September 25:
“As the trash-talking e-mails from Dolphins fans came pouring in Sunday, I laughed the same way someone from Goldman Sachs would laugh after getting a ball-busting e-mail from one of the custodians at Lehman Brothers. Please keep them coming.”
Looks like Goldman Sachs forgot about the laws of Peezynomics.
January 2nd, 2009 at 2:43 pm
QUIT TALKING WHEN I TALK!
That’s some funny shit right there. Excuse while I go change my pants.