The Hater’s Guide to the Postseason: AFC 1st Seed — Tennessee Titans
If you find yourself confronted with an NFL postseason without a rooting interest and unmoved by Don Cheadle soliloquies, you must draw from the well of that most powerful of human emotions. Ok, well, lust probably won’t do here. But the second most powerful, hate, will serve as a fine proxy. This is one in a series of posts filled with bile, spleen, vitriol and all-around nastiness toward all the teams involved with the sordid roundelay we know as the NFL Playoffs.
Vince Young: You know, it’s been hard for me to come to grips with it, but I’m happy for what you’ve done with this team. I’m a competitive dude and I’d love to be out there on that field with a chance to shine on the big stage. But the time was right for you, man. I give you a lot of credit sticking around as long as you have.
Kerry Collins: …
Vince: I mean, who knows what’s gonna happen? Maybe you’ll win it for us this year and you’ll ride off a champ. Maybe even if you win, you stick around for a few years. Either way, you’ve shown me I’ll get mine once the time is right.
Kerry: …
Vince: Yo, man. Something wrong?
Kerry: There ain’t a stiff enough drink to deal with you flapping your big ugly fucking jumbo tar baby lips.
Vince: The fuck you just say to me? Fuck you, you racist piece of shit. I dare you to say that again. I fucking dare you.
Kerry: And if I catch you and your jigaboo friends trying to get that bandwagon fuckwit Snoop Dogg to do a Super Bowl song for us, I’ll get my gun out of my special locker room and spray your meager shit-for-brains all over the walls and play with it.
Vince: Mike, you hearing this shit? This guy is just fucking off.
Mike Heimerdinger: Not my purview, Vince.
Vince: Not your purview? YOU’RE A COACH. Do something before I break my foot off in his ass.
Heimerdinger: You’ll have to take it up with Fisher.
Vince: Coach! Man, you got to hear what Kerry just said to me. He said -
Jeff Fisher: I know, Vince, I know. I believe you. Kerry uses racial epithets. LenDale is a gloating cockhog of a situational running back. Chris Johnson is a high-stepping little shit, too. Haynesworth stomps on people. Vanden Bosch has three servers full of kiddie porn at the team headquarters. Courtland Finnegan kicks pregnant women for his jollies. Rob Bironas plowed my wife. THE KICKER! And I go randomly skydive rather than prepare for opponents.
And you know what? That’s the way it’s going to be. ‘CAUSE. I. DON’T. GIVE. A. FLYING. FUCK.
[Pumps fist]
You know how long I’ve been coaching this goddamn team? Do you? 14 of the most miserable years of my fucking life. I took over when the team was in Houston, back before Bud Adams moved the Oilers and their history to this backwater, pissant, podunk, shitheap in the shadow of Dollywood. People hate the Colts for their skipping town, but at least Indy stole the history of someone who actually did something and not the fucking Oilers.
The only reason people don’t call me a choker is because no one gives a shit about Tennessee. And they shouldn’t. I don’t give a shit about Tennessee. That’s why I respect Kerry. He’s just hanging on for that ring, doing what he has to. That’s gonna make all this bullshit worthwhile. After that, you, Tennessee, the NFL — you can have coaches that are interested in being classy. I tried that shit. Being classy and $5 will buy you a poke with your mom.
So, why don’t you sit your prima-donna, score-of-8-on-the-Wonderlic, bust-of-a-first-round-pick, suicide-hotline-code-blue, dipshit-sidearm-delivery ass on the bench and maybe YOU might get a ring too for being nothing but a drain on my goddamn time.
Vince: …
Can I at least take my shirt off?
Fisher: …
Fine.
Tags: hater's guide to the postseason, racist old kerry collins, tennessee titans, xmas ape
January 8th, 2009 at 4:24 pm
“jigaboo”?
Ape, are you the reincarnation of my Grandpop Joe??
January 8th, 2009 at 4:27 pm
Was Grandpop Joe in the Pharcyde?
January 8th, 2009 at 4:30 pm
I hear Justin Gage picks up Mexicans at the Home Depot, then brings them home so they can choke him in the shower.
January 8th, 2009 at 4:32 pm
True, but then he has them regrout the tile.
January 8th, 2009 at 4:34 pm
Mmmm, now that’s some mighty good southern-fried hatin’.
Shame Pacman Jones wasn’t able to stick around for this. Drunk Racist Redneck Collins and Ghetto Pac woulda made for some good conversation.
January 8th, 2009 at 4:37 pm
That video is funny to me. Because the NFL paid Don Cheadle to make 2 sounds. Shit, they could have gotten some random fucking loser to do that.
January 8th, 2009 at 4:39 pm
I hear Justin Gage picks up Mexicans at the Home Depot, then brings them home so they can choke him in the shower.
sounds true
January 8th, 2009 at 4:40 pm
I want to play for Jeff Fisher now….and I want his wife!
January 8th, 2009 at 4:41 pm
But you’re paying for the gravitas, Goose
January 8th, 2009 at 4:41 pm
WOW….
January 8th, 2009 at 4:46 pm
Wah wah wah, those meanie Titans stomped on the sacred towel. Tennesseans will never have the class and elegance of Pittsburgh.
January 8th, 2009 at 4:50 pm
You would not believe the tail Rob Bironas has plowed
January 8th, 2009 at 4:56 pm
Perfect… only problem with this section of the Hater’s Guide is it implies Houston can’t also be described as “backwater, pissant, podunk, shitheap.” Yeah, Screwston isn’t in the shadow of Dollywood but it’s probably not because of trying.
Can’t blame an owner for bailing on the armpit of the US. An armpit that stinks of crude oil and 2 week old Whataburger wrappers.
January 8th, 2009 at 5:02 pm
As bad and offensive as that conversation was, the only thing that threw me was Kerry’s non-use of the N-word.
And he’s not handing out flyers for the White Power rally immediately after the game.
January 8th, 2009 at 5:02 pm
I just burst coffee all over my monitor at the Kyle Vanden Bosch kiddie porn line, good work outta you.
January 8th, 2009 at 5:15 pm
Don Cheadle wants to know where White Boy Bob is.
January 8th, 2009 at 5:27 pm
Jigaboo? I guess porch monkey was taken…..I think they should go to Sambo’s for lunch and discuss their feelings towards each other.
/racist tag lives on
January 8th, 2009 at 5:35 pm
Wait, Tennesee has a football team that’s not the Volunteers? When did this shit happen?
/Every Tennesee resident 3 months ago.
January 8th, 2009 at 5:44 pm
@Ape: The correct response was: “But you were booked that day, Goose!”
Ba-dum-tish!
January 8th, 2009 at 5:54 pm
1. Kerry’s going to win the first game.
2. Kerry’s going to get hurt, and the defense is going to win a 9-7 barn burner against the Stillers.
3. Vince Young Super Bowl MVP.
/puts on straightjacket
January 8th, 2009 at 6:16 pm
The Oilers connection is precisely why the Titans are such chokers? Why do you think Houstonians were ready to embrace the shitty Texans: because we got rid of the fucking Columbia Blue Roller Coaster.
Still, fuck Bud Adams in his fucking fatty folds.
January 8th, 2009 at 6:18 pm
That’s some mighty fine hatin boy. God bless a city that can tolerate a memorial to the confederate army right next to the busiest highway in the area. It’s actually one exit down from where Vince lives. The crazy asshole who put it up also tried to convince the city to change the name of the team to the TN Rebels when they moved here.
January 8th, 2009 at 6:21 pm
Is that my favorite NFL commercial of all time? I think it is.
@ El Duke- What do you mean? They’ve always known about Vanderbilt.
January 8th, 2009 at 7:10 pm
vodka,you must be from nashville. do me a favor and go up under the spring street bridge tonite and remind Kerry that we play on SATURDAY this weekend,NOT SUNDAY. i heard unconfirmed reports last sunday that he was walking around LP in full uniform last sunday afternoon wondering where the fuck everyone was at. bring him a cup of soup to heat over that barrel fire too.its cold out tonite.
January 8th, 2009 at 7:12 pm
and that memorial is definitely walking distance from my house…..i havent done it in a while,but give me a little while and ill go paint that sign again
January 8th, 2009 at 9:22 pm
It’s not just a memorial to the Confederate Army - It’s Nathan Beford Forrest. Founder of the KKK. Progenitor of KSK?
January 8th, 2009 at 10:47 pm
After the draft, a friend sent me a long email, detailing how CJ was a lousy pick, TN would miss the playoffs, and Fisher would be fired by season’s end. I enjoyed sending his email back to him recently, especially since he’s a Patriots fan.
Looks like Ape still has his panties in a wad over the towel stomp / loss of top seed against TN, given his impressive level of hate in this article.
BTW Ape, good job picking TN to finish last in the AFC South this season…
http://kissingsuzykolber.uproxx.com/2008/08/ksk-2008-nfl-prekakke-afc-south.html
January 8th, 2009 at 11:38 pm
The dicksucking going on right now of Tebow is gross.
How is being a missionary a positive thing that someone does? Trying to trick people into changing religions? Fucked up
January 9th, 2009 at 12:02 am
yea,its some crazy ass old rich guy that put it up.i really want to break into his house because i feel he probably has some shit in there thats worth something. IM DOWN WIDIT…..thinking out loud
January 9th, 2009 at 12:08 am
im terrified for the Giants hater guide.
January 9th, 2009 at 12:49 am
It’s true. Before LenWhale ran harder over a Terrible Towel than he ever has on the field, I, like most of America, didn’t give a shit about the Titans or their bumfuck fans.
And since you love my picks so much, you’ll be happy to know I expect Tennessee to win convincingly over Baltimore.
Enjoy.
January 9th, 2009 at 1:30 am
WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU SAY CHRISTMAS APE? say that again and ill break my foot off in your ass! PICKING THE TITANS TO BEAT THE RAVENS?!?! who the hell do you think you are?!?! i am a bumfuck (not really) titans fan and im not even that dumb…..
and yea,lendale white is a bastard too. you should have went the route of Nazi for Vanden Bosch. he definitely looks aryan nation-ish,yet since we already have one racist bastard on the team,we dont need another. and bironas likes snorting blow,not plowing stache’s wife
January 9th, 2009 at 2:47 am
I need to stop scrolling past this post. Marmalard is there. Waiting.
/shudder
January 9th, 2009 at 3:27 am
Ehhhhhh. I don’t believe Titans over Ravens. As a Steelers fan, there’s one team In the AFC I’m scared of right now, and that’s Baltimore. I really want the Titans to take care of business, but I think Baltimore is going to dominate.
January 9th, 2009 at 9:03 am
I need to find a pregnant woman and try that shit out.
January 9th, 2009 at 9:17 am
omg dllywood like fourhundred miles from nashville wtf you guys r no check facts
January 9th, 2009 at 9:52 am
Did you send that comment through a Speak & Spell?
January 9th, 2009 at 12:37 pm
You guys r no check facts! Smirre!
January 9th, 2009 at 4:46 pm
@wtf:what the fuck?