The Hater’s Guide to the Postseason: NFC 1st Seed — New York Giants
If you find yourself confronted with an NFL postseason without a rooting interest and unmoved by Don Cheadle soliloquies, you must draw from the well of that most powerful of human emotions. Ok, well, lust probably won’t do here. But the second most powerful, hate, will serve as a fine proxy. This is one in a series of posts filled with bile, spleen, vitriol and all-around nastiness toward all the teams involved with the sordid roundelay we know as the NFL Playoffs.
INT Giants’ Practice Facility. Friday. 4:38 AM.
[Giants defensive coordinator Steve Spagnuolo unlocks the front door, and walks in]
Two more days of prep and then we face the Eagles. Yeah, sure, it’s only McNabb and Andy Reid that we’re up against, but you never know when those meatheads are gonna wake up and actually play like they’re supposed to. Nobody wants to be McNabb’s bitch, and it’s not happening on us this weekend. It’s our last day of prep today, then a walkthrough tomorrow. Game on Sunday. Time to get your gameface on, Steve. Get fired up.
Sigh. I’m exhausted. Don’t get me wrong, I’m happy about still being in the hunt, but I’m ready for a break. I’m so worn out. I haven’t seen my wife in a month. And I’m sick of looking at these same assholes day after day. I wish I…I really wish I wasn’t so lonely right now.
[stops at receptionist's desk]
Hey, there’s a donut left over from yesterday. Chocolate covered, too. My favorite. Wait, it’s not cream-filled. Still a nice surprise, though. Amazing that Coach Gilbride didn’t eat that donut and the box with it. Thank you, donut. You’re a ray of sunshine on a cloudy day.
[pulls donut out of box]
Oh, my, donut. You’re so firm and [licks fingers] sugary. I bet your other 11 friends weren’t so sweet, were they? Hey relax, donut, it’s just me. Don’t act like you do around those other guys. Spags wants the real deal, you dirty bitch.
Tell me how you like it, you little chocolate whore. Don’t act you can’t feel what’s going on between us. As soon as I get these pants off, you’re gonna see a stunt package you’ll never for—mmm, there it is.
Damn, donut, you feel so good. I like the way your glaze flakes off onto my scrote. It tickles so damn good. Maybe someday you can meet my mother, and you two can talk about yeast and all that shit. Let’s go a little faster now…
Oh, God, donut, you’re gonna make me come. Oh, that’s it. Don’t — Aw, don’t stop.
Oooh, goddammit that’s it, you’re gonna…OOOOH GOD!
OOOOOH SHIT!
OOOOOOHHH!
OOOOOOOOHHHHHHHAAAAAAAWWWWWWAWAWAWAWAWAWAW!
UUUUNNNGGGHHH!
OOOOOOOoooooooohhhhh…
Aaaahhhhhhhhh, donut.
Mmmmmmmmm.
You’re cream-filled now, you little slut. Tell Gilbride I said hello.
[puts donut back in the box]
Tags: hater's guide to the postseason, jeez punter that's just wrong, MMP, new york giants, the breakfast of champions
January 9th, 2009 at 12:09 pm
I once made love to a cinnamon cruller immediately prior to a Bruins playoffs game.
January 9th, 2009 at 12:10 pm
I’ll be looking for the new slutty donuts next time I get to Krispy Kreme. Or is this only found in northern donut shops?
January 9th, 2009 at 12:11 pm
ladies and gentlemen possibly the frontrunner for ur teams vacant head coaching position.
January 9th, 2009 at 12:11 pm
So you’re saying the way to become a highly paid defensive coordinator in the NFL is to be a donut fucker?
/time to fuck the donuts
January 9th, 2009 at 12:12 pm
Best donut Gilbride ever inhaled.
January 9th, 2009 at 12:13 pm
I hope Spags realizes you can find donuts that fuckable in Detroit or Denver.
January 9th, 2009 at 12:17 pm
He’ll fit in perfectly as Jets coach next year.
January 9th, 2009 at 12:17 pm
I always thought Spagnuolo was a donut puncher.
January 9th, 2009 at 12:20 pm
so wait… giants hateration and NOT ONE mention of elisha, plax or leatherface #2 (tc)?
/ confused
January 9th, 2009 at 12:22 pm
Maybe someday you can meet my mother, and you two can talk about yeast and all that shit.
Someone has to say it…
GEEZ PUNTE! THAT’S SO WRONG!!
January 9th, 2009 at 12:22 pm
I thought Steve Spanuolo only fucked Bialis? Am I right, Pizan? Ohhhhh!
January 9th, 2009 at 12:22 pm
I went to high school with Gilbride’s daughter. She’s very hot.
January 9th, 2009 at 12:22 pm
OH. MY. GOD. An internal donut creampie.
/wipes tears from eyes
January 9th, 2009 at 12:24 pm
Add together Spanuolo’s surprising appearance similarity to Tommy Gunn and we have ourselves a whole new meaning for “food porn!”
January 9th, 2009 at 12:25 pm
Thanks, I will never ever be able to eat a doughnut again. I will have to stick to doughnut holes only
January 9th, 2009 at 12:26 pm
I will never, ever get tired of watching those Carl videos. This one’s even better now that we know how it all turned out. Lock of the century of the week, indeed.
In a similar vein, I will never, ever get tired of MMP’s posts. The sexual depravity, the need to offend, the likelihood they were written pantless. It’s like Hannibal Lecter and Larry Flynt gave birth to a blogger.
January 9th, 2009 at 12:26 pm
That’s going to be the most disturbing thing I read for a long, long time.
January 9th, 2009 at 12:27 pm
@ eldee — I’m with you. I figured we’d at least get some Sergeant Tom or Mickey from Rockaway.
January 9th, 2009 at 12:29 pm
i like this post because people from the other blogs nominated for the award can come to this site and see that its stuff like this that is beating their work. Bravo Punte.
January 9th, 2009 at 12:32 pm
Only Punte could’ve thought up something like this, +100
January 9th, 2009 at 12:35 pm
this is how munchkins are made
January 9th, 2009 at 12:38 pm
“Spunkin’ Donuts! Can’t buy ‘em at a grocery store!”
January 9th, 2009 at 12:42 pm
So thats what the mean by donut bumping?
/consults mom
January 9th, 2009 at 12:47 pm
Only Punte could’ve thought up something like this, +100
No, there are plenty of guys who could’ve thought of this. But all the rest are in state-run facilities that don’t allow internet connections.
NO TOUCHING!
January 9th, 2009 at 12:52 pm
So Plaxico could have thought of it?
January 9th, 2009 at 12:53 pm
@FMRA – Oral love?
January 9th, 2009 at 12:58 pm
So Plaxico could have thought of it?
I suppose, but he likes to fill his donuts with hot lead instead. He usually forgets to take them off his lap first, however.
The donuts you really want to avoid? Osi Umenyiora’s.
January 9th, 2009 at 1:00 pm
Spags picture fits the scene so well too.
“Hey, whatta you looking at? So I got it on with a donut. So what? Whatta ya gone do, huh?”
January 9th, 2009 at 1:06 pm
Uhhhh
January 9th, 2009 at 1:09 pm
That’s-a good donut.
January 9th, 2009 at 1:14 pm
Dammit Otto, +eleventy for the Osi comment.
January 9th, 2009 at 1:19 pm
Osi might try to sue you for that comment
/said too much
January 9th, 2009 at 1:23 pm
Thanks alot Punter – what the fuck am I supposed to submit for the KSK sex mailbag now?
I was all set up to send an email about “Which nfl assistant is mostly likely to splooge in food?” and “How to can I get my girlfriend to have anal sex with me” and you blew it!!!!!11
January 9th, 2009 at 1:29 pm
the trick is to get em right from the krispy kreme when they’re still warm
January 9th, 2009 at 1:35 pm
I simply meant it would be rude to eat donuts belonging to another man. I have no idea what you perverts are talking about.
Who is this? Prank call! Prank call!
January 9th, 2009 at 1:40 pm
NOW I know why Osi needs that 5 Hour Energy. Those Boston Kreme sluts are notorious for making limp-dik accusations.
January 9th, 2009 at 1:48 pm
@Sage Rosencopter
Man, how do you think they “punch” the donut holes out of the donuts? That’s right… its Spags.
January 9th, 2009 at 2:47 pm
The only let down is the lack of over-the-top Jersey accent. after so many stabs at Baah-stan fan and the Stiller Nation I would think you could pick us apart up here in the armpit. Allow me to illustrate. Ay-o, whats dis ova heeah, Gilbride that fat frig left a donut. Yous is alls I got left in dis friggin world. Believe you me, my life stinks so bad imabout to take a coachin position in Detroit…
January 9th, 2009 at 2:49 pm
Oh and your member is affectionately referred to as “my Brasiole” (pronounced bra-zhole you fuckin mooks)
January 9th, 2009 at 2:50 pm
Mmmmm…defensive coordinator’s cum filling donut. ARGHHHHHHHHH
January 9th, 2009 at 3:33 pm
Charles Hayley wants to watch Steve Spagnuolo eat a donught.
January 9th, 2009 at 4:03 pm
Jizz in my…donut?
January 9th, 2009 at 5:05 pm
Canada Dry:
I have been watching a lot of Digital Playground “films” recently and yes, the resemblance is quite good.