The Cahdinals? Ahhh you fackin’ shittin’ me? The fackin’ Cahdinals make the Supah Bowl? THAT’S FACKED!
Is they-ah anyone hee-ah who truly believes the fackin’ Cahhdinals ahh one of the two best teams in the NFL? WHEN THE FACKIN’ PAYTREE-UTS BEAT THEM BY FARTY FACKIN’ POINTS? This isn’t the Supah Bowl! It’s the fackin’ Wells Fahhhgo Bowl! Ha! I just thought of that fackin’ joke! I’m gonna use that one at the bah! FACK YOU!
(puts on Timberland boots and leaves them unlaced)
The Nawt Fay-uh League has a serious problem on they-ah hands now! This is a fackin’ terrible Supah Bowl. The Cahdinals and the Steelahs? America does nawt wawnt that game! NO ONE DENIES THIS! I’d rathah see Teddy K have anothah head seizahhh at the Inaugural Dinnah! TEDDY K HAS FACKED MORE-AH BROADS THAN YOUR-AH SENATAH! He’s ow-uhs, and ow-uh legislatahs ahh bettah than your-ahs! Chee-ahs to The Lion of Hyannispart!
(shows ten-year-old how to properly pack tin of Kodiak by flapping index finger against the top)
The fact of the mattah is that Cahdinals fans ahhh nawt true fans! They’ve only liked they-ah team this yee-ah! I’VE BEEN A DIE HAHHHD PAT FAN FAR NEARLY EIGHT YEE-AHS NOW! WHERE IS YOUR FACKIN’ LOYALTY, ARIZONA?! Bet you were-ah too busy applying to live in that Scawttsdale nudist cawlony to love yar team as much as THE LEGENDARY BAWSTON FAITHFUL DO!
THAT MAKES YOU DOON COONS!
(puts on Saliva CD)
How can you fackin’ justify letting a team that goes 9-7 into the Supah Bowl while my beloved Pats, THE GREATEST FACKIN’ TEAM NEVAH TO MAKE THE FACKIN’ PLAYAWFFS, ahhh sittin’ at home? Wes Welkah is a competitah! With the hahht of a TIGAH! How is this fay-uh? THE PATS BEAT THEM BY FARTY! FAAAARTY! IN REAL FOOTBAWL WEATHAH!
If you ahh beat by a nawn-playawff team during the yee-ah, you shouldn’t be allowed in the playoffs! I just thought of that rule! It’s so smaht! EVERY NEW RULE I THINK OF IS A VAST IMPROVEMENT FAR THIS LEAGUE! WHY DON’T THEY TAKE MY ADVICE? Because they-ah ahh New Yark faggots, that’s why!
(makes fist, casually flexes triceps)
And the fact that they get to play the fackin cheap shawt Steelahs makes it even warse! Ryan Clahk, don’t think I fargot that hit you put on Welkah! THE TAWMSTAH DOES NAWT FARGIVE YOU! No one crawsses a Bawston fan and gets away with it! Ask Aaron Boone! I found his sistah’s Facebook page last week and jerked my load onto the screen! REVENGE IS CUMMING FAR YOU TOO, CLAHHKIE!
(grabs dick)
The Nawt Fay-uh League is officially a joke. I hope they-ah ahhh happy with fackin’ the Pats ovah BY CONSPIRING AGAINST THEM THE ENTIAH SEASON LONG! Now they have a Supah Bowl that will get harrible ratings. JUST YOU WAWTCH. Serves them right far tahhhnishing they-ah spart like this. Now the regulah season doesn’t mean anything. It’s just who gets hawt! Who wawnts to see a league whey-ah the champ is determined by who’s playing the best in the playawffs? THAT IS FACKIN’ HARSESHIT! When a Bawston team wins, it is becawse they ahhh skilled and powahful! When othah teams win, it’s a fluke! NO ONE DENIES THIS!
(pisses in Snapple bottle)
I’m nawt even gonna wawtch it. That’s right! I AM IGNARRING IT BECAUSE I AM A TRUE FAN OF SPARTS! Just like I ignarred the C’s during the Acie Earl Erah! NO TRUE CELTIC NATION MEMBAH THAWT THAT DAHKIE BELAWNGED ON LARRY BIRD’S FACKIN’ CART!
I’m too good far you, NFL! I’m boycawtting! Take a last look!
(turns hat backwards, nods)
YOU’RE ABOUT TO GET FACKED QUINZEE STYLE!
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Tuck Rule, Rodney Harrison, and hours of videotape.
But OTHER teams are the lucky cheats. I get it!
I love how desperate Pats fans are to tarnish other teams’ accomplishments, considering their team was caught and punished by the NFL for breaking the rules over the span of their entire dynasty. Jump on the HGH story, but not a single Steeler has been linked to it and the NFL doesn’t consider there to be any validity to any claims otherwise. I’m sure, sans any proof of cheating, you’ll jump to “the refs” which is a fine recourse for any team that benefited so greatly from the Tuck Rule.
Does anyone else think the Steelers’ two titles this decade are tainted by lucking out of having to face the Pats? Because I do.
The SB they have won this decade is tainted for another reason altogether. The Pats have nothing to do with it.
Does anyone else think the Steelers’ two titles this decade are tainted by lucking out of having to face the Pats?
Not anyone who isn’t Tawwme or a similar cartoonishly retarded Masshole. And helping to eliminate the Pats from the playoffs doesn’t equal “lucking out.” Had New England won the AFC East, they would have been destroyed just as horribly by the Ravens as the Dolphins were. Nothing would have changed. Especially not your whining.
Yeah nice work, Ape. You beat the Pats in the regular season. Two AFC titles won IN PITTSBURGH say hello. Does anyone else think the Steelers’ two titles this decade are tainted by lucking out of having to face the Pats? Because I do.
Makes sense, intheq. Tawmee would talk about 2004. Anything to avoid discussing the curb-stomping that happened in Week 13.
@porky1
Tawmmy just discovered Jim Rice a couple weeks ago and really has no idea who Dewey Evans is. His allegiance to the Sawx goes way back to 2004, when they traded that MexiDahkie Nomah and made their white catcher Captain. This was all Tahmmy’s idear = NO ONE DENIES THIS!
@H Cuz
Word on Barstool, but to be fair Jerry is a good writer, he just doesn’t post as much as the other dude. And Guess That Ass is a fine feature.
how can Tawmee from Quinzee post and nawt tawk about the 2005 AFC championship game? that shit wuz the balls! FOOOOORRRTEE-ONE to twentee-seven. are you fawkin kiddin me?!? those chumps think they belawng in the supahbowl?? fack me. my neighbahs chihuahuas gawt more integra-tee than that dahkie hines waaahd. nevamind they-ah quahtaback cahn’t even drive a motahcycle. hey ben – come to bawston – we’ll give you a fackin tricycle to ride around quinzee centah. they-ah ahh no patree-ahts. bawston knows the real winnahs ahh the pats!!!!
I don’t know if it’s the meth I breathed in today from a nearby creek…but I found myself agreeing with Tawwmmy…the Supah Bawl will sack! NO ONE DENIES THIS!
only mistake I saw (as someone who grew up in Boston): “Arizona” is pronounced “Arizoner” in general 617/857 vernacular. otherwise these are all very accurate…no one denies this.
As someone from Boston, I’d be offended by these if they weren’t so funny and also so true. He looks like a Rhodes Scholar compared to the people you see on the MBTA everyday.
“America does nawt wawnt that game!”
“Chee-ahs to The Lion of Hyannispart!”
“EVERY NEW RULE I THINK OF IS A VAST IMPROVEMENT FAR THIS LEAGUE! WHY DON’T THEY TAKE MY ADVICE?”
thrice i agree with Tommy [but my new rules, not his]. the seventh seal is broken and the end is nigh
Lame.
YES! Finally, Tawmmy returns!! The only thing that would’ve been better is if he had a sports blog. Oh wait, he does.
http://www.barstoolsports.com/randomthoughts/2009/01/22/nobody_cares_about_superbowl_because/
Taawmy/Ape > Frost/Nixon
I used to think this was satire, then I discovered Barstool Sports.
fackin’ Wells Fahhhgo Bowl!
That just had me in fucking tears. Drew, you fucking rock.
Dayum, that Mike Molori article is stupid.
He just has a lot of sand in his vagina about the Ryan Clark hit on McGahee and selects a few lame incidents from the past. I’m surprised he didn’t turn the WELKAHHH hit earlier this year into another article about how the Steelers defense is a race riot in progress and the Steelers faithful ahh an Underground Railroad of hateful murderin’ dahhhkies.
can we get a question from the tawmstah to the sex advice mailbag?
Love it! This is going to be a slaughter.
(Pisses in a snapple bottle)
And I thought I was the only one who did that.
@Riggs,
fuck. me. ‘win more than once a decade for there to be a rivalry’ of course.
/I hate proving Rob You right, but there you go.
//I was especially thinking about the Beanpot, or as BU calls it, two wins in February.
It’s not Bobby Arrr it’s Bobby Owah. ONLY AN IDIOT WOULD DENY THIS!
The proper Boston accent on 40 would be FOOOOOOORTY not Farty. That makes no sense. No Bostonian pronounces Bobby Orr as Bobby Arrrrrr.
Step your game up, Tawmee
@Sloth….sorry ’bout the term rivalry….don’t really follow college hockey since I left UMass 18 yr ago….who’s kicking who’s ass?
I am not familiar with this “decade” you describe (smirre)
/gotta love typos
// once dictated “below knee amputation” …transcribed as “baloney amputation”…..ouch!
If you need to tap the top of a can to get a proper dip pack, you’re a pussy.
@MartinRiggs:
a) rivalry? doesn’t one team have to win one more than twice a decade for there to be a decade?
b) Tawmmy is goin tah Buncah Hill right now, but he think’s he gawt a good shot at Charlie Brown next semestah. It’s eithah that or go on the city.
Doon Coons. Priceless. I don’t know how you keep coming up with this shit.
In reality, Tawmmy is only concerned with the Northeastern-BU Hockey rivalry
@Bassett Good Juice, but I really hate the “Nantucket Facts” under the lid NO ONE CARES!! (or denies this!) Snapple facts FTW!
We need a Tommy from Montclaire tag.
Almost as happy as seeing that truckload of “Six-burgh” t-shirts being shipped to some shit-hole South American country.
As opposed to the North American shithole they’re being shipped to now?
@Francois: That would make a good post. Make it so numbah one…er…Drew!!! Feminine Brenda with long blonde hair or Lezbo butch Brenda with the gray spiky hair would still disembowel Tawmmy for breathing. Those Marines don’t fack around. AMIRITE, Cap?
@richromance
Go fellate a daschund.
America does nawt wawnt that game! NO ONE DENIES THIS!
For my first post ever, I have to agree with Tommy. America does not want to see this game.
richromance, your spam comments and you can go get fucked.
@Ape: Really? I mean, yeah, I’m bitter, but what in that post suggested it?
@Weed Against Speed
You sir are on your “A GAME”
This bit should have been old and tired a year ago. It’s not.
has that mug always been in tawmmys hand or am i just really slow to notice things?
In the second half of that game, New England’s Ty Law shoved Hines Ward while the two were out of bounds. Referee Ed Hochuli tagged Law for unnecessary roughness, but failed to call Ward for a blatant face mask.
CBS showed several replays of the call, and not once did Simms remark on the obvious face mask. But this is Steeler football, baby. Smile to the cameras. Hire a coach that sucks up to the media and loves to be on TV, and you can get away with anything.
FUCK AND YES..///
Tommy on Jim Rice:
“I’m glad you asked. Let me be pahfactly fackin frank. Jim Rice is nawt a Yaz ahr a Cahlton Fisk ahr a Teddy Ballgame, nawt by a fackin long shot. But fah a dahkie, he was acceptable, like Big Papi the Spanish dahkie.
(cracks neck)
Rice getting in is mahr a reflection of just how great we-er ahr as a spahts city. Rice was at least the fourth best playah in Bawston aftah Dwight Evans and fackin traitahs like Bawgs, Clemens, and fackin Bucknah–GET DOWN ON YA KNEES AND BLOCK THE FACKIN DRIBBLAH, BUCKNAH! HOW HAHHHD IS THAT YOU FACKIN FACK? Ahh, I’m just fackin with ya, Bawston fahgives you, Bucknah. You had grit and detahmination and in end, that’s awl that mattahs.
(burns Manny Ramirez “World Series MVP” baseball card with tip of a Swisher cigarillo)
Anyway, Rice is an acceptable Hawl of Fame dahkie, like Gahnett and Pawl Piehce. I figyah with a dahkie in office we should act mahr prahgressive. Even if it’s fackin stupid.
@Francois: Fun fact, Howie Long was born and raised in Somerville and is a big Red Sox fan.
It’s telling that I’m most insulted by the suggestion that a Patriots fan would listen to Saliva.
Shouldn’t Tommy be shattering the windows of cars with NY plates as he talks?
Kim Hong is making a mad dash for the title of most bitter Pats fan commenter on the site. The competition is stiff, son!
A Nantucket Nectars bottle would be more regionally apropos.
/We’re juice guys.
@j4b
The phrase “ram tough” makes me think that Howie Long questioning the Tawmstah’s manhood would make for a great post.
And yes, Brenda would take him out back for a beating.
I’ll put $20 on Brendah Wahhhhhnah to take out the Tawmstah in a no rules street fight. That chick is ram tough.
But what does Tommy think about Jim Rice making the HOF? FAAACK YEAH or FAAACK that dahhkie?
Animal Mother: Almost as happy as seeing that truckload of “Six-burgh” t-shirts being shipped to some shit-hole South American country.
Why would they do that? They sold “One for the Thumb” merchandise for ages. Should Pittsburgh not win the Superbowl this year, wouldn’t that mean they could sell “On the road to Sixburgh” for longer? Isn’t that what the T-Shirt sellers would prefer? I mean, they could easily come up with a “Seven” themed slogan, but they’ve already got a six-themed slogan.
So, basically, you’re on the same side as the T-Shirt sellers.
Somebody really needs to photoshop in some shitty tribal tats to make that picture 100% accurate.
@Kim Hong
But that would be dahhkie on dahhkie violence, and the Tawmstah is all for that.
Tickets for the Pats/Bucs game at Wembley Stadium went on sale today. Can’t wait to see Tommy on the street of London. Maybe we could sneak him into some footb…soccer matches, just to see what happens.
Absolutely, SoS.
Accurate, as usual, with one exception: The Tawmstah is rooting for Arizona this week, I guarantee. A better subject of his rant would be Clark’s cheap shot on McGahee.
“I hope they-ah ahhh happy with fackin’ the Pats ovah”
I know I’m happy. Almost as happy as seeing that truckload of “Six-burgh” t-shirts being shipped to some shit-hole South American country.
Tommy is very versitile , he pisses and spits his dip into snapple bottles.
also, “(makes fist, casually flexes triceps)’ made me laugh more than (twirls lacrosse stick)
“The funny thing about pissing in a Snapple bottle is that in taste tests, most people can’t tell the difference.”
true genius
Otto: You forgot “against your will, aided by Rohypnol.”
YOU’RE ABOUT TO GET FACKED QUINZEE STYLE!
Clumsily and quickly?
Doesn’t Tommy know that the unlaced Timberlands look is also popular with the dahkies?
“I found his sistah’s Facebook page last week and jerked my load onto the screen!”
Tremendous. And thank you for the idea…Revenge Against The IRS Plot is now finalized!
The Cahdinals
I believe it’s pronounced Cahhhhhhhhhhhhhdnals
The funny thing about pissing in a Snapple bottle is that in taste tests, most people can’t tell the difference.
So we’re not getting Tommy’s Super Bowl Pick? Fack Yous!