The Eyes Are the Mouth of the Soul
[Inside a Star Wars-themed bedroom]
WASHED FACESPOT. BRUSHED CHOMPERS. GOOD SLEEPS BEFORE RAVENS GAME. HAPPY SLEEPS. NOT GONNA DREAM ABOUT PHIL RIVERS WITH MOUTH-EYES TONIGHT. GONNA MAKE NICE PICTURES IN THE HEADSPOT.
NICE PICTURES.
NICE PIC…ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ
Marisa Miller: Hey, Ben.
Ben: HI
Marisa: You like what you see?
Ben: THATS A NICE MOTORBIKE YES
Marisa: Wanna go for a ride?
Ben: THANK YOU LADY BUT NO. YOU DONT GOT NO HELMET FOR THE BEN. CAN’T GET OUCHIE BEFORE RAVENS GAME.
Marisa: That’s cool. Maybe Jay Cutler wants to ride with me.
Ben: BRONCO JAY IS HERE?
Cutler: Whatever-ever-ever.
Ben: AHHHHHH! MOUTH-EYES ON JAY! THE BEN NEEDS HELP! GOTTA CHECK DOWN. WHERE’S HINES?
Hines: Herro, Rongrastname-name-name.
Ben: AHHHHH SLANTY MOUTHS!
Hines: Why you scaled Rongrastname? You no have eye eithel. Time to rook in meellol-ol-ol.
Ben: NO EYES FOR THE BEN!!! CAN’T PLAY WITHOUT EYES-EYES-EYES!
[wakes up]
YAHHHH– WHA?
OH. JUST… JUST A DREAM? STILL GOT EYES?
[feels face]
STILL GOT EYES! BEN’S GONNA SEE EVERYTHING FROM NOW ON. EVEN WEAK SIDE BLITZ AND SHORT RECEIVERS.
[phone beeps]
TEXT MESSAGE FOR THE BEN? AFTER SNOOZY TIME?
Tags: Additional Photoshops by Grimey, ben rongrastname, captain caveman, nightmare fuel, Ufford Photoshops
January 15th, 2009 at 8:13 am
God, please take me now!
January 15th, 2009 at 8:18 am
/standing o
January 15th, 2009 at 8:19 am
Did you really have to give bedspread Han Solo and Ewok mouth eyes?
January 15th, 2009 at 8:23 am
i think we all fear the inevitable merriman mouth eyes…at least i do…please don’t make merriman mouth eyes
January 15th, 2009 at 8:33 am
This is absolutely fucking incredible. Cheers and beers to all parties involved.
January 15th, 2009 at 8:37 am
ben’s mouth eyes make him look like he has a serious infection. btw no mention of steelerstahl? he’s another winner.
January 15th, 2009 at 8:41 am
Cutlerfucker looks better that way.
January 15th, 2009 at 8:41 am
I still don’t know whether to laugh or scream at the mouth eyes.
January 15th, 2009 at 8:46 am
somehow, Cutler’s mouthface is more traumatic than yesterday’s car-bomb pic.
January 15th, 2009 at 8:46 am
The sheets were a nice touch.
January 15th, 2009 at 8:58 am
I had to start at the picture of Cutler for a good ten seconds before realizing that there was anything altered.
January 15th, 2009 at 8:58 am
You bastard. You nightmare-inducing bastard.
January 15th, 2009 at 9:02 am
Good mrorning everyone! Whelp, looks like the breakfast whiskey is coming out early today.
January 15th, 2009 at 9:03 am
Is there a way to give mouth eyes to R2D2? I’m not impressed until then.
January 15th, 2009 at 9:07 am
Thanks for not giving Marisa Miller mouth eyes.
/not sure if that would be more horrifying or more erotic
January 15th, 2009 at 9:07 am
you guys a smoking some accelerated shit. Please share
January 15th, 2009 at 9:11 am
Did you really have to give bedspread Han Solo and Ewok mouth eyes?
It’s a perverse thing I do to capitalize on the background-analyzing habits of Internet commenters.
January 15th, 2009 at 9:13 am
“Slantymouth”
Bravo. Scary as hell, but Bravo.
January 15th, 2009 at 9:17 am
I see we subscibe to the Wake and Bake technique for posting. You have to be high to think of fucked up shit like that, let alone post it.
January 15th, 2009 at 9:23 am
And suddenly, fucking someone’s eye sockets seems only natural.
January 15th, 2009 at 9:24 am
Add in the fact they announced that Ricardo Mantalban died and today is off to a truely fucked up start.
/knows not where he will find a car with rich, Corinthian leather
January 15th, 2009 at 9:24 am
once again the door leading to my nightmares flies open.
btw, anyone else getting this message “You Are Banned. Most Likely For Being An Asshole.” when trying to visit this site using Firefox?
January 15th, 2009 at 9:24 am
Big Ben will never be able to listen to These Eyes by The Guess Who ever again.
January 15th, 2009 at 9:25 am
Jeez, Caveman, that’s just…
(does Joker’s pencil trick on self)
(twice)
January 15th, 2009 at 9:26 am
Am I the only one not freaked out by the mouth eyes? What’s the big deal?
/Would go buy a Harley if for nothing other than that ad.
January 15th, 2009 at 9:33 am
@Crazy Little Thing: I’m sure your little thing has 2 little pals that would love Marisa with mouth eyes. I know I would, as long as there was a switch somewhere for normal mode.
/internally debating whether she’s hot enough to have permanent mouth eyes and get away with it.
January 15th, 2009 at 9:35 am
Everything about this was top notch. The best part was the text message.
January 15th, 2009 at 9:36 am
@BigBen w/moutheyes
QUAID!! START THE REACTOR!!!
January 15th, 2009 at 9:45 am
HINES HAS THLEE SMIRRES!
/the horror
January 15th, 2009 at 9:54 am
And for the record, this post happened because Grimey sent in the Nightmare Cutler, Nightmare Hines, and Nightmare Ben Photoshops. So be sure to thank him for that.
January 15th, 2009 at 9:55 am
Today is the day that KSK changed my life.
January 15th, 2009 at 9:57 am
I can’t wait til Jay Mariotti somehow manages to plug (steal) this new craze on Around the Horn.
CC, Ufford:
That’s how I want to wake up every morning… Not knowing if I’m actually awake or having a night terror.
January 15th, 2009 at 10:10 am
ben’s mouth eyes make him look like he has a serious infection.
He looks like Master Shake with the house full of raw chicken and burning styrofoam.
January 15th, 2009 at 10:12 am
Thanks for not giving Marisa Miller mouth eyes.
My first thought here was to be glad Punter hadn’t written the post, because you know he would have done something with Marisa.
And, in his hands, the mouth wouldn’t have been the orifice that was substituted for her eyes.
January 15th, 2009 at 10:15 am
@ Otto – I’m sure it would have been inspired by Magritte’s “The Rape.”
http://www.arthistoryarchive.com/arthistory/surrealism/images/ReneMagritte-The-Rape-1934.jpg
January 15th, 2009 at 10:15 am
@ Optimus Prime Minister:
Moutheyes Merriman is goddamned comforting compared to what I’m picturing right now. Because I like to maximize my time wasting, I pulled up Deadspin at the same time, where there’s a picture of Brenda Warner. If I’m going to sleep at all tonight, I need to start drinking now.
January 15th, 2009 at 10:19 am
Would Flacco be scarier with mouths for eyes or another eybrow over his mouth?
January 15th, 2009 at 10:20 am
Oh. My. God. What happened to your eyes?
Where we’re going, we won’t need eyes to see.
MUHAHAHAHAHAHA
January 15th, 2009 at 10:35 am
Ben’s mouth eyes remind me of the guy from the Man in the Box video. Fuck that’s creepy.
WHAT-AT-AT? HUH-UH-UH? FUCK YOU-OU-OU!
January 15th, 2009 at 10:35 am
I don’t care what my friends say, this site is soooo much better than dailykos.
January 15th, 2009 at 10:36 am
Thanks for not giving Marisa Miller mouth eyes.
wait… sher had eyes? fuck
January 15th, 2009 at 10:54 am
this is truly the most disturbing line of characters you’ve ever created…Peezy says FIX YO MOUF-EYES! i couldn’t agree more…
January 15th, 2009 at 10:56 am
Thanks for not giving Marisa Miller mouth eyes.
I agree, but a mouth-eyed Marisa Miller is probably the least-disturbing Skull Fuck in the world.
/never, ever expected to write that sentence.
January 15th, 2009 at 11:10 am
Jesus, no more mouth eyes!
That is a cool-looking bike, though.
January 15th, 2009 at 11:10 am
I’m so glad The Ben learned his helmet lesson. Bravo, sir.
January 15th, 2009 at 11:12 am
THE BEN HAVE BAD REACTION TO SHRIMPS.
January 15th, 2009 at 11:31 am
@otto my, uhh, eyes have closed completely now! and the police do not care. so if you can see your phone, please hit 911.
although carl is a giants fan, can’t say i have too much sympathy.
January 15th, 2009 at 11:47 am
/golf clap
January 15th, 2009 at 11:58 am
Just when I think you cant do anything better…you go and do something like this and TOTALLY REDEEM yourself
January 15th, 2009 at 12:05 pm
How did you get access to Ape’s sheets? Where are his pj’s?
January 15th, 2009 at 12:12 pm
Oh God. This is not how I planned to start the day.
January 15th, 2009 at 12:14 pm
Urtimate smirre time?
January 15th, 2009 at 12:17 pm
Frylock: “What’s wrong with your eyes?!”
Big Ben: “I got me a chicken infection”
Note to self – Grimey must be stopped
January 15th, 2009 at 12:18 pm
STOP DOING THE MOUTH EYES! It was creepy enough just drawn in Sandman…how about throwing some extra breasts on the Marisa Miller pic? Sheesh.
January 15th, 2009 at 12:30 pm
Please make an entry in which Kurt Warner draws God with mouth-eyes. It’s the next step, logically.
January 15th, 2009 at 12:40 pm
numbel one lecievel smirrey mouth eyes not so velly tellifying
rook rike happy demon
razerface malmarall…malma… phirrip livels mouth eyes soo-so tellifying
rike come from seventh cilcer of herr
January 15th, 2009 at 12:45 pm
You know, the only reason it looked disturbing on Rivers is because of his visible tongue.
Cutler looks pretty normal.
January 15th, 2009 at 1:00 pm
WILL you fucking stop with this eyeteeth shit already????!
FUCK!!!
January 15th, 2009 at 1:01 pm
This is from a character in the comic book Sandman, called the Corinthian.
http://img258.imageshack.us/img258/4215/corhf3.jpg
January 15th, 2009 at 1:15 pm
This is the best post in the history of the internet.
January 15th, 2009 at 1:16 pm
i second the multiplication of boobs as some sort of arms race against the proliferation of mouth eyes. great post.
January 15th, 2009 at 1:21 pm
ben needs to go to the Clint Eastwood school of proper Gunfingaz
January 15th, 2009 at 1:25 pm
this moutheyes shit is disturbing. give andy reid or jeff fisher moutheyes,they come equipped with eyebrows
January 15th, 2009 at 1:32 pm
Very creepy! Made lunch a festival of MOUTHEYES
January 15th, 2009 at 1:35 pm
oh God this is hysterical. Poor Ben. In related news, I heard yesterday that Flacco has a big ball. Bigger than Ben’s. I could not ask which “ball” was being referred to as those damn TV’s don’t take questions, so I assumed Flacco is a one ball man. And it is big.
January 15th, 2009 at 1:37 pm
no moutheyes will ever top marmalard’s. that joker-esque picture of him was classic even without the moutheyes.
you could give marisa miller “steaming piles of shit” eyes and she would still be ridiculously hot. too bad she is married to some skinny douchebag with a faux-hawk. eternally frustrating.
last, but certainly not least, F the steelers.
January 15th, 2009 at 1:48 pm
Wow, just wow.
Sarsaparillas and spritzers for all involved- this is the funniest shite I’ve seen in weeks.
Outstanding.
January 15th, 2009 at 1:59 pm
Cutler looks pretty normal
You can’t be serious…his mouth eyes look like he hasn’t slept/eaten in days and is going into a diabetic shock.
January 15th, 2009 at 2:07 pm
Cutler definitely looks the freakiest, but then again he already does.
Big Ben looks like a bowling ball with vaginas for finger-holes.
That joker pic of Rivers is a classic, mouth-eyes or not. I wonder what he was doing when the photographer snapped that pic.
January 15th, 2009 at 2:11 pm
When will the T-shirts be available?
January 15th, 2009 at 2:16 pm
Wow……Those are soul shattering. Rothlesburger and Hines are giving me nightmares.
January 15th, 2009 at 3:07 pm
Ben: HI MARISA
/fixed
January 15th, 2009 at 3:32 pm
You bastards, I really thought I’d never see that ever again.
January 15th, 2009 at 3:49 pm
Epic. Fucking epic.
January 15th, 2009 at 3:51 pm
Wonderful.
/Gouges out eyes with cocktail fork
January 15th, 2009 at 5:50 pm
Honestly, mouth-eyed Ben looks pretty human
January 15th, 2009 at 5:55 pm
+5000000
January 15th, 2009 at 7:36 pm
Looks like I picked the wrong week to stop wearing Depends.
January 15th, 2009 at 8:10 pm
Ben looks more diseased than anything.
January 16th, 2009 at 11:39 am
*starts a slow clap*