The Eyes Are the Mouth of the Soul
01.15.09[Inside a Star Wars-themed bedroom]
WASHED FACESPOT. BRUSHED CHOMPERS. GOOD SLEEPS BEFORE RAVENS GAME. HAPPY SLEEPS. NOT GONNA DREAM ABOUT PHIL RIVERS WITH MOUTH-EYES TONIGHT. GONNA MAKE NICE PICTURES IN THE HEADSPOT.
NICE PICTURES.
NICE PIC…ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ
Marisa Miller: Hey, Ben.
Ben: HI
Marisa: You like what you see?
Ben: THATS A NICE MOTORBIKE YES
Marisa: Wanna go for a ride?
Ben: THANK YOU LADY BUT NO. YOU DONT GOT NO HELMET FOR THE BEN. CAN’T GET OUCHIE BEFORE RAVENS GAME.
Marisa: That’s cool. Maybe Jay Cutler wants to ride with me.
Ben: BRONCO JAY IS HERE?
Cutler: Whatever-ever-ever.
Ben: AHHHHHH! MOUTH-EYES ON JAY! THE BEN NEEDS HELP! GOTTA CHECK DOWN. WHERE’S HINES?
Hines: Herro, Rongrastname-name-name.
Ben: AHHHHH SLANTY MOUTHS!
Hines: Why you scaled Rongrastname? You no have eye eithel. Time to rook in meellol-ol-ol.
Ben: NO EYES FOR THE BEN!!! CAN’T PLAY WITHOUT EYES-EYES-EYES!
[wakes up]
YAHHHH– WHA?
OH. JUST… JUST A DREAM? STILL GOT EYES?
[feels face]
STILL GOT EYES! BEN’S GONNA SEE EVERYTHING FROM NOW ON. EVEN WEAK SIDE BLITZ AND SHORT RECEIVERS.
[phone beeps]
TEXT MESSAGE FOR THE BEN? AFTER SNOOZY TIME?
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*starts a slow clap*
Ben looks more diseased than anything.
Looks like I picked the wrong week to stop wearing Depends.
+5000000
Honestly, mouth-eyed Ben looks pretty human
Wonderful.
/Gouges out eyes with cocktail fork
Epic. Fucking epic.
You bastards, I really thought I’d never see that ever again.
Ben: HI MARISA
/fixed
Wow……Those are soul shattering. Rothlesburger and Hines are giving me nightmares.
When will the T-shirts be available?
Cutler definitely looks the freakiest, but then again he already does.
Big Ben looks like a bowling ball with vaginas for finger-holes.
That joker pic of Rivers is a classic, mouth-eyes or not. I wonder what he was doing when the photographer snapped that pic.
Cutler looks pretty normal
You can’t be serious…his mouth eyes look like he hasn’t slept/eaten in days and is going into a diabetic shock.
Wow, just wow.
Sarsaparillas and spritzers for all involved- this is the funniest shite I’ve seen in weeks.
Outstanding.
no moutheyes will ever top marmalard’s. that joker-esque picture of him was classic even without the moutheyes.
you could give marisa miller “steaming piles of shit” eyes and she would still be ridiculously hot. too bad she is married to some skinny douchebag with a faux-hawk. eternally frustrating.
last, but certainly not least, F the steelers.
oh God this is hysterical. Poor Ben. In related news, I heard yesterday that Flacco has a big ball. Bigger than Ben’s. I could not ask which “ball” was being referred to as those damn TV’s don’t take questions, so I assumed Flacco is a one ball man. And it is big.
Very creepy! Made lunch a festival of MOUTHEYES
this moutheyes shit is disturbing. give andy reid or jeff fisher moutheyes,they come equipped with eyebrows
ben needs to go to the Clint Eastwood school of proper Gunfingaz
i second the multiplication of boobs as some sort of arms race against the proliferation of mouth eyes. great post.
This is the best post in the history of the internet.
This is from a character in the comic book Sandman, called the Corinthian.
http://img258.imageshack.us/img258/4215/corhf3.jpg
WILL you fucking stop with this eyeteeth shit already????!
FUCK!!!
You know, the only reason it looked disturbing on Rivers is because of his visible tongue.
Cutler looks pretty normal.
numbel one lecievel smirrey mouth eyes not so velly tellifying
rook rike happy demon
razerface malmarall…malma… phirrip livels mouth eyes soo-so tellifying
rike come from seventh cilcer of herr
Please make an entry in which Kurt Warner draws God with mouth-eyes. It’s the next step, logically.
STOP DOING THE MOUTH EYES! It was creepy enough just drawn in Sandman…how about throwing some extra breasts on the Marisa Miller pic? Sheesh.
Frylock: “What’s wrong with your eyes?!”
Big Ben: “I got me a chicken infection”
Note to self – Grimey must be stopped
Urtimate smirre time?
Oh God. This is not how I planned to start the day.
How did you get access to Ape’s sheets? Where are his pj’s?
Just when I think you cant do anything better…you go and do something like this and TOTALLY REDEEM yourself
/golf clap
@otto my, uhh, eyes have closed completely now! and the police do not care. so if you can see your phone, please hit 911.
although carl is a giants fan, can’t say i have too much sympathy.
THE BEN HAVE BAD REACTION TO SHRIMPS.
I’m so glad The Ben learned his helmet lesson. Bravo, sir.
Jesus, no more mouth eyes!
That is a cool-looking bike, though.
Thanks for not giving Marisa Miller mouth eyes.
I agree, but a mouth-eyed Marisa Miller is probably the least-disturbing Skull Fuck in the world.
/never, ever expected to write that sentence.
this is truly the most disturbing line of characters you’ve ever created…Peezy says FIX YO MOUF-EYES! i couldn’t agree more…
Thanks for not giving Marisa Miller mouth eyes.
wait… sher had eyes? fuck
I don’t care what my friends say, this site is soooo much better than dailykos.
Ben’s mouth eyes remind me of the guy from the Man in the Box video. Fuck that’s creepy.
WHAT-AT-AT? HUH-UH-UH? FUCK YOU-OU-OU!
Oh. My. God. What happened to your eyes?
Where we’re going, we won’t need eyes to see.
MUHAHAHAHAHAHA
Would Flacco be scarier with mouths for eyes or another eybrow over his mouth?
@ Optimus Prime Minister:
Moutheyes Merriman is goddamned comforting compared to what I’m picturing right now. Because I like to maximize my time wasting, I pulled up Deadspin at the same time, where there’s a picture of Brenda Warner. If I’m going to sleep at all tonight, I need to start drinking now.
@ Otto – I’m sure it would have been inspired by Magritte’s “The Rape.”
http://www.arthistoryarchive.com/arthistory/surrealism/images/ReneMagritte-The-Rape-1934.jpg
Thanks for not giving Marisa Miller mouth eyes.
My first thought here was to be glad Punter hadn’t written the post, because you know he would have done something with Marisa.
And, in his hands, the mouth wouldn’t have been the orifice that was substituted for her eyes.
ben’s mouth eyes make him look like he has a serious infection.
He looks like Master Shake with the house full of raw chicken and burning styrofoam.
I can’t wait til Jay Mariotti somehow manages to plug (steal) this new craze on Around the Horn.
CC, Ufford:
That’s how I want to wake up every morning… Not knowing if I’m actually awake or having a night terror.
Today is the day that KSK changed my life.
And for the record, this post happened because Grimey sent in the Nightmare Cutler, Nightmare Hines, and Nightmare Ben Photoshops. So be sure to thank him for that.
HINES HAS THLEE SMIRRES!
/the horror
@BigBen w/moutheyes
QUAID!! START THE REACTOR!!!
Everything about this was top notch. The best part was the text message.
@Crazy Little Thing: I’m sure your little thing has 2 little pals that would love Marisa with mouth eyes. I know I would, as long as there was a switch somewhere for normal mode.
/internally debating whether she’s hot enough to have permanent mouth eyes and get away with it.
Am I the only one not freaked out by the mouth eyes? What’s the big deal?
/Would go buy a Harley if for nothing other than that ad.
Jeez, Caveman, that’s just…
(does Joker’s pencil trick on self)
(twice)
Big Ben will never be able to listen to These Eyes by The Guess Who ever again.
once again the door leading to my nightmares flies open.
btw, anyone else getting this message “You Are Banned. Most Likely For Being An Asshole.” when trying to visit this site using Firefox?
Add in the fact they announced that Ricardo Mantalban died and today is off to a truely fucked up start.
/knows not where he will find a car with rich, Corinthian leather
And suddenly, fucking someone’s eye sockets seems only natural.
I see we subscibe to the Wake and Bake technique for posting. You have to be high to think of fucked up shit like that, let alone post it.
“Slantymouth”
Bravo. Scary as hell, but Bravo.
Did you really have to give bedspread Han Solo and Ewok mouth eyes?
It’s a perverse thing I do to capitalize on the background-analyzing habits of Internet commenters.
you guys a smoking some accelerated shit. Please share
Thanks for not giving Marisa Miller mouth eyes.
/not sure if that would be more horrifying or more erotic
Is there a way to give mouth eyes to R2D2? I’m not impressed until then.
Good mrorning everyone! Whelp, looks like the breakfast whiskey is coming out early today.
You bastard. You nightmare-inducing bastard.
I had to start at the picture of Cutler for a good ten seconds before realizing that there was anything altered.
The sheets were a nice touch.
somehow, Cutler’s mouthface is more traumatic than yesterday’s car-bomb pic.
I still don’t know whether to laugh or scream at the mouth eyes.
Cutlerfucker looks better that way.