The Continuing Adventures of Tony and Jess: The Chili Cook-Off
Ext. TPC Four Seasons Las Colinas
Tony: Gimme my ass, you’re putting that shit, JT!
[cellphone rings]
Tony: Fuck.
Justin: What’s up, man? We playing golf or taking phone calls?
Tony: It’s Jess
[cellphone rings]
Justin: …and then I jizzed in my pants.
Tony: Not cool, JT, not cool.
Justin: Whatever, you know you laughed.
[cellphone rings]
Tony: You got Romo!
Jess: [chews]
Tony: Hello?
Jess: [burps]
Tony: Jess?!
Jess: [chews while burping]
Tony: JESSICA!
Jess: [attempts to speak through mouth full of hush puppies] Pomy?
Tony: Jess?
Jess: [swallows] Hey, Tony!
Tony: Hey baby, are you uh…eating again?
Jess: Oh yeah. I’m performing at the Chili Cook-off in Florida! There’s so much food!
Tony: Well just go easy, baby, you know, everything in moderation and all that.
Jess: [ladles chili down throat] Moder-what-on?
Tony: Just remember what your agent said, you need to keep your physique for the sake of your acting career.
Jess: Well duh, that’s what I’m doing!
Tony: How’s that?
Jess: Well my agent told me about these two new biopic movies, and I’m s’posed to pick one to audition for.
Tony: Oh really? Who are the subjects?
Jess: Dolly Parton and Anna Nicole Smith.
Tony: Oh God.
Jess: [drinks room-temperature sour cream]
Tony: Which one did you pick, Jess?
Jess: [gargling] My girl Anna!
Tony: Oh dear God. Jess, are you sure about that?
Jess: Of course!
Tony: But I think you’d make a great Dolly Parton. She’s so nice and skinny like you used to be. And we just joined this new gym so you could get back in shape without poor people talking to you.
Jess: [swallows Merciless Pepper of Quetzlzacatenango] Uh-oh. I don’t feel so good.
Tony: Jess?
Jess: Bye bye Tony, Johnny Cash’s doggy is taking me to find my soulmate.
[hangs up]
Tony: But I’m your soulmate!
Justin: Dude, you’re gay.
Tony: Tee it up, douchebag.
Tags: Insanity Peppers, Tony and Jess, tony romo, Unsilent Majority
January 27th, 2009 at 1:19 pm
She thinks she’s the pope of Chili Town.
/still laughing at [drinks room-temperature sour cream]
January 27th, 2009 at 1:22 pm
But what does this have to do with DC?
January 27th, 2009 at 1:23 pm
[swallows Merciless Pepper of Quetzlzacatenango]…ah, one of the favorites. Excellent references all around.
January 27th, 2009 at 1:24 pm
Those peppers will fuck you up. JT’s really gonna bust Romo’s ass when they find her passed out in the sandtrip on the 17th.
January 27th, 2009 at 1:25 pm
Yikes – it’s like Jessica Simpson and Fergie combined to form Vo(cally challenged)ltron
January 27th, 2009 at 1:27 pm
Thar she blows!
January 27th, 2009 at 1:29 pm
But I think you’d make a great Dolly Parton. She’s so nice and skinny like you used to be.
Yes. That’s the attribute I remember about her.
January 27th, 2009 at 1:29 pm
those jeans do a nice job of hiding her gunt.
January 27th, 2009 at 1:30 pm
Hey mister, you don’t want to drink a candle.
January 27th, 2009 at 1:34 pm
“Jess: [swallows]”
No wonder her and Homo get along, they both swallow.
“Tony: Tee it up, douchebag.”
Should that read, “Tony: Teabag me, douche.” ?
January 27th, 2009 at 1:35 pm
remember when The Simpsons didn’t suck?
January 27th, 2009 at 1:36 pm
funny stuff. and there must be something wrong with me because I think that pic is kind of hot.
January 27th, 2009 at 1:38 pm
In your face, space coyote!
January 27th, 2009 at 1:41 pm
“Less artsy, more fartsy!”
January 27th, 2009 at 1:50 pm
Hey Tony, how long is Charles Haley’s dong again?
January 27th, 2009 at 1:51 pm
Merciless Pepper of Quetzlzacatenango: Grown deep in the jungle primeval by the inmates of a Guatemalan insane asylum.
January 27th, 2009 at 1:51 pm
I hope she didn’t brain her damage.
January 27th, 2009 at 1:58 pm
I’m a well-wisher, in that I don’t wish you any specific harm.
January 27th, 2009 at 2:01 pm
She’s not fat, she’s Reubenesque
January 27th, 2009 at 2:03 pm
Okay, nobody has stated the obvious so I will.
Can Jess’s sudden weight gain possibly mean Tony Romeo successfully booted one through the uprights?
And if Tony does have a bun in the oven, will he pull a Tom Brady on her ass?
And if does pull a TB, who is his next victim?
Considering his penchant for talentless blondes with big tits, could he be the hero who successfully rescues Lindsay Lohan from the Dark Side?
January 27th, 2009 at 2:06 pm
You know those belts that are, like, double belts?
January 27th, 2009 at 2:10 pm
Are you going to jail, Daddy?
We’ll see, son, we’ll see…
January 27th, 2009 at 2:20 pm
I prefer ” fupa” to “gunt”
January 27th, 2009 at 2:21 pm
Jessica’s upcoming tour is going to be sponsored by Levi Strauss Signature Maternity Full-Panel Jeans, right?
January 27th, 2009 at 2:31 pm
Its got to be the anti-depressants. Tony told here they’d be in Tampa this week.
January 27th, 2009 at 2:32 pm
This is because I kicked you isn’t it.
January 27th, 2009 at 2:58 pm
[drinks room-temperature sour cream]
A culinary delicacy that is popular in Dallas/Fort Worth area. You know what they say….”Everything is bigger in Texas” HEEYY OOOO!
January 27th, 2009 at 3:05 pm
She’s so fat my balls hurt.
January 27th, 2009 at 3:11 pm
There’s not one of you who wouldn’t still bang her.
And isn’t Lohan really a red-head?
January 27th, 2009 at 3:53 pm
could have been better fuck-face.
January 27th, 2009 at 4:26 pm
Jessica to Tony after eating the chili:
Now you can go back to your day job- whatever THAT is.
January 27th, 2009 at 4:37 pm
Maybe she wants to start singing opera?
January 27th, 2009 at 4:47 pm
Pictures of Kermit and Gonzo, then Miss Piggy- KSK has really been having a thing for Muppets lately.
January 27th, 2009 at 6:12 pm
Boy I’ll tell ya Jim, Butterbean looks so much better now that he’s grown his hair out.
January 27th, 2009 at 7:01 pm
Relax C-Student; it’s a HUMOR blog.
January 27th, 2009 at 10:35 pm
Here’s the question… would you still pound that porker????
I would, with total disrespect. I mean mushroom tattoo as soon as I walk in the door.
January 27th, 2009 at 11:04 pm
Goddamnit… I hate to do this because it’s freaking Jessica Simpson, but high waisted pants make ALL women look fat. Seriously, not even supermodels can pull them off without looking bloated through the “gunt” or “fupa” region, as y’all so lovingly call it. That cute little muffin top going on is pretty par for the course too, and her tig ol’ bitties just make it look more significant than it would otherwise.
I swear, one day women will learn that just it’s generally a bad idea to have all our clothing designed by gay men who are scared of vaginas. At least I hope we do.
January 27th, 2009 at 11:12 pm
@Genny -
all our clothing designed by gay men who are scared of vaginas
explain hot pants, then
January 27th, 2009 at 11:13 pm
Also, should have used
[Tony putts for birdie - intercepted]
January 27th, 2009 at 11:58 pm
A straight man designed the bikini right?
January 27th, 2009 at 11:59 pm
@DeepFriar – Hot Pants are obviously a high innovative and conceptual take on the vagina dentata mythology, in that they are meant to represent pants being devoured by the vagina.
At least that’s what it looks like when anyone over a size 4 wears them.
January 28th, 2009 at 11:11 am
I swear, one day women will learn that just it’s generally a bad idea to have all our clothing designed by gay men who are scared of vaginas. At least I hope we do.
Thank you, I’m glad someone said this. Generally the clothes or lack of clothes on fashion models works for me, but then you see the high waisted, mom jeans with the double belt look and YOU KNOW, that was designed by some gay man who didn’t care about the chick, just about how his ugly shit looked on a 90 pound model.
/does this rant belong on WWTDD?
//hopes not, but Jess is a real fatty now
January 28th, 2009 at 11:57 am
+10 on the simpsons reference.
January 28th, 2009 at 11:59 am
I think I speak for all Dallasites when I say Romo doesn’t come across as near the pussy-whipped douche as he needs to in these.
January 28th, 2009 at 12:02 pm
as an addendum, seriously…you’re the QB for the Cowboys in a city full of tail and you need your agent to call some fame whores’ publicists to set up dates?
he should dump her and go all Mutombo next time he walks into the Loon, “who wants to sex Dikembe????”
January 28th, 2009 at 1:33 pm
They say she carved those pants out of a bigger pair!