Ext. TPC Four Seasons Las Colinas
Tony: Gimme my ass, you’re putting that shit, JT!
[cellphone rings]
Tony: Fuck.
Justin: What’s up, man? We playing golf or taking phone calls?
Tony: It’s Jess
[cellphone rings]
Justin: …and then I jizzed in my pants.
Tony: Not cool, JT, not cool.
Justin: Whatever, you know you laughed.
[cellphone rings]
Tony: You got Romo!
Jess: [chews]
Tony: Hello?
Jess: [burps]
Tony: Jess?!
Jess: [chews while burping]
Tony: JESSICA!
Jess: [attempts to speak through mouth full of hush puppies] Pomy?
Tony: Jess?
Jess: [swallows] Hey, Tony!
Tony: Hey baby, are you uh…eating again?
Jess: Oh yeah. I’m performing at the Chili Cook-off in Florida! There’s so much food!
Tony: Well just go easy, baby, you know, everything in moderation and all that.
Jess: [ladles chili down throat] Moder-what-on?
Tony: Just remember what your agent said, you need to keep your physique for the sake of your acting career.
Jess: Well duh, that’s what I’m doing!
Tony: How’s that?
Jess: Well my agent told me about these two new biopic movies, and I’m s’posed to pick one to audition for.
Tony: Oh really? Who are the subjects?
Jess: Dolly Parton and Anna Nicole Smith.
Tony: Oh God.
Jess: [drinks room-temperature sour cream]
Tony: Which one did you pick, Jess?
Jess: [gargling] My girl Anna!
Tony: Oh dear God. Jess, are you sure about that?
Jess: Of course!
Tony: But I think you’d make a great Dolly Parton. She’s so nice and skinny like you used to be. And we just joined this new gym so you could get back in shape without poor people talking to you.
Jess: [swallows Merciless Pepper of Quetzlzacatenango] Uh-oh. I don’t feel so good.
Tony: Jess?
Jess: Bye bye Tony, Johnny Cash’s doggy is taking me to find my soulmate.
[hangs up]
Tony: But I’m your soulmate!
Justin: Dude, you’re gay.
Tony: Tee it up, douchebag.
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They say she carved those pants out of a bigger pair!
as an addendum, seriously…you’re the QB for the Cowboys in a city full of tail and you need your agent to call some fame whores’ publicists to set up dates?
he should dump her and go all Mutombo next time he walks into the Loon, “who wants to sex Dikembe????”
I think I speak for all Dallasites when I say Romo doesn’t come across as near the pussy-whipped douche as he needs to in these.
+10 on the simpsons reference.
I swear, one day women will learn that just it’s generally a bad idea to have all our clothing designed by gay men who are scared of vaginas. At least I hope we do.
Thank you, I’m glad someone said this. Generally the clothes or lack of clothes on fashion models works for me, but then you see the high waisted, mom jeans with the double belt look and YOU KNOW, that was designed by some gay man who didn’t care about the chick, just about how his ugly shit looked on a 90 pound model.
/does this rant belong on WWTDD?
//hopes not, but Jess is a real fatty now
@DeepFriar – Hot Pants are obviously a high innovative and conceptual take on the vagina dentata mythology, in that they are meant to represent pants being devoured by the vagina.
At least that’s what it looks like when anyone over a size 4 wears them.
A straight man designed the bikini right?
Also, should have used
[Tony putts for birdie - intercepted]
@Genny -
all our clothing designed by gay men who are scared of vaginas
explain hot pants, then
Goddamnit… I hate to do this because it’s freaking Jessica Simpson, but high waisted pants make ALL women look fat. Seriously, not even supermodels can pull them off without looking bloated through the “gunt” or “fupa” region, as y’all so lovingly call it. That cute little muffin top going on is pretty par for the course too, and her tig ol’ bitties just make it look more significant than it would otherwise.
I swear, one day women will learn that just it’s generally a bad idea to have all our clothing designed by gay men who are scared of vaginas. At least I hope we do.
Here’s the question… would you still pound that porker????
I would, with total disrespect. I mean mushroom tattoo as soon as I walk in the door.
Relax C-Student; it’s a HUMOR blog.
Boy I’ll tell ya Jim, Butterbean looks so much better now that he’s grown his hair out.
Pictures of Kermit and Gonzo, then Miss Piggy- KSK has really been having a thing for Muppets lately.
Maybe she wants to start singing opera?
Jessica to Tony after eating the chili:
Now you can go back to your day job- whatever THAT is.
could have been better fuck-face.
There’s not one of you who wouldn’t still bang her.
And isn’t Lohan really a red-head?
She’s so fat my balls hurt.
[drinks room-temperature sour cream]
A culinary delicacy that is popular in Dallas/Fort Worth area. You know what they say….”Everything is bigger in Texas” HEEYY OOOO!
This is because I kicked you isn’t it.
Its got to be the anti-depressants. Tony told here they’d be in Tampa this week.
Jessica’s upcoming tour is going to be sponsored by Levi Strauss Signature Maternity Full-Panel Jeans, right?
I prefer ” fupa” to “gunt”
Are you going to jail, Daddy?
We’ll see, son, we’ll see…
You know those belts that are, like, double belts?
Okay, nobody has stated the obvious so I will.
Can Jess’s sudden weight gain possibly mean Tony Romeo successfully booted one through the uprights?
And if Tony does have a bun in the oven, will he pull a Tom Brady on her ass?
And if does pull a TB, who is his next victim?
Considering his penchant for talentless blondes with big tits, could he be the hero who successfully rescues Lindsay Lohan from the Dark Side?
She’s not fat, she’s Reubenesque
I’m a well-wisher, in that I don’t wish you any specific harm.
I hope she didn’t brain her damage.
Merciless Pepper of Quetzlzacatenango: Grown deep in the jungle primeval by the inmates of a Guatemalan insane asylum.
Hey Tony, how long is Charles Haley’s dong again?
“Less artsy, more fartsy!”
In your face, space coyote!
funny stuff. and there must be something wrong with me because I think that pic is kind of hot.
remember when The Simpsons didn’t suck?
“Jess: [swallows]”
No wonder her and Homo get along, they both swallow.
“Tony: Tee it up, douchebag.”
Should that read, “Tony: Teabag me, douche.” ?
Hey mister, you don’t want to drink a candle.
those jeans do a nice job of hiding her gunt.
But I think you’d make a great Dolly Parton. She’s so nice and skinny like you used to be.
Yes. That’s the attribute I remember about her.
Thar she blows!
Yikes – it’s like Jessica Simpson and Fergie combined to form Vo(cally challenged)ltron
Those peppers will fuck you up. JT’s really gonna bust Romo’s ass when they find her passed out in the sandtrip on the 17th.
[swallows Merciless Pepper of Quetzlzacatenango]…ah, one of the favorites. Excellent references all around.
But what does this have to do with DC?
She thinks she’s the pope of Chili Town.
/still laughing at [drinks room-temperature sour cream]