The Ongoing Adventures of Elisha Manning
Int. Tenjune (the Meatpacking District)
(Beyonce’s Single Ladies blares over the speakers)
Abby: Oh I love this song! Come on Eli, let’s dance.
Elisha: I don’t like dancing, besides, I don’t want to leave Moishe all alone, he gets scared.
Brandon Jacobs: [pulls Eli aside] Hey man, cut out that Moishe shit. Get out there and dance with that fine ass bitch of yours before I step in and plow that.
Elisha: My what ass what?
Brandon: Your wife, Eli. Go dance with your wife.
Elisha: Fine, just let me ask the DJ man to put on some dance music.
Brandon: [looks confused, runs through load-bearing wall, stashes gun] Whatever.
Elisha: [approaches DJ booth] Excuse me, Mr. DJ man. MR. DJ MAN?!
DJ: [emerges from underneath tables] Yo, what up my MVP?
Elisha: What do you say we get an old fashioned line dance going on in here?
DJ: Sorry bro, I just finished off my stash, but if you need some coke the bouncer can hook it up.
Elisha: No I don’t need any Coke, I just scored a Shirley Temple from the waitress.
DJ: [looks confused] So what you want, man?
Elisha: Do you have any Kenny Chesney?
DJ: [doing his best Axel Foley impression] Get the fuck outta here.
Elisha: Yes, sir.
[Elisha walks back to his table]
Abby: What was that all about?
Elisha: Honestly, I have no friggin’ clue.
Abby: So will you dance with me?
Elisha: Sure. But let’s stay close to Moishe.
Abby: You know you can just sit down and I can dance for you.
Elisha: Really? That sounds good.
Abby: [begins gyrating her ass on Elisha's lap] How does that feel, baby?
Elisha: It feels sorta like when I wrestle with Cooper.
Abby: Huh. [begins grinding her ass into Elisha's crotch] And how does this feel?
Elisha: [turns red, begins sweating profusely] Uh…uncomfortable.
Abby: Really? Because it feels like you like it!
Elisha: What do you mean?
Abby: Well either you’re enjoying it or you’ve got a gun tucked into your waistband like Plaxico.
Elisha: NO I DON’T! That’s my periwinkle.
Abby: [whispering in Elisha's ear] Shhhhh. Just sit back and enjoy it.
[Abby turns around and begins dry-humping Eli]
Eli: [face contorts] GNUUUHHHHH!
Abby: Yeah, you like that, baby?
Eli: I MADE A MESS IN MY PANTS!
[a snicker arises from assorted teammates and other nearby patrons]
Abby: Shhh, it’s okay, sweetie.
Eli: No! [pushes Abby to the floor] MOOOOOOOOOOOM! I WANNA GO HOME NOW!
Thanks to Ben for the new nippley picture.
Tags: Adventures of Eli, and then I jizzed in my pants, elisha, lapdances, meatpacking hehe, Moishe the Imaginary Friend, Unsilent Majority
January 7th, 2009 at 4:08 pm
Don’t tell anyone or I’ll call you a slut
It’s not my fault, you were grabbing my butt
January 7th, 2009 at 4:18 pm
“I TOLD you we shoulda gone to Applebee’s!”
-Eli to wife Abby
January 7th, 2009 at 4:20 pm
You’re nothing but a filthy pirate hooker. Why don’t you go back to your home on Whore Island!!
January 7th, 2009 at 4:20 pm
Eli: [face contorts] GNUUUHHHHH!
Whatever Abby was doing, it’s clear that Eli was fantasizing about this guy instead.
January 7th, 2009 at 4:22 pm
I felt a strong breeze…
January 7th, 2009 at 4:22 pm
OoooooKaaayyyy
January 7th, 2009 at 4:26 pm
So is Moishe like, an imaginary friend or something?
January 7th, 2009 at 4:30 pm
I’m sure this is covered in “Men with Balls” but being married and being a pro athelete has to be the worst lifetime decision ever.
January 7th, 2009 at 4:31 pm
outofsync- yes
http://kissingsuzykolber.uproxx.com/2008/04/mommy-wow-im-becoming-a-man-now.html
January 7th, 2009 at 4:33 pm
Wait a minute…WHAT’S HAPPENING TO MY SPECIAL PURPOSE?!
January 7th, 2009 at 4:40 pm
Otto wins at life for that link.
January 7th, 2009 at 4:40 pm
I can tell you what I’m getting for my 31st birthday tonight after our hockey game. It’s nice to be sponsored by a strip club.
@Ryno: Being married period is the worst lifetime decision ever.
January 7th, 2009 at 4:43 pm
I lived in Hoboken a few years ago and met a girl who claimed her best friend went home with Eli but the party was over before they started. I’d be more skeptic if not for the storyteller’s complete lack of motivation; she didn’t care about sports and probably wouldn’t have known the name if her friend hadn’t made a big deal out of it. We’ve been calling Eli a premature ejaculator for years now in my circle.
I am deadly serious.
January 7th, 2009 at 4:44 pm
PK just broke down how Elisha turned down a birthday blow job: Look, Eli’s a) already gainfully employed and 2) Coach Coughlin heard from Coach Parcells that women weaken legs.
January 7th, 2009 at 4:55 pm
Wait wait wait, since when did Eli Manning emulate Will Leitch?
January 7th, 2009 at 4:55 pm
Nothing’s funnier than a skinny drunk white girl trying to give a “lap dance” at a club. TEE HEE KELLY LOOK AT ME DID YOU SEE!
damn, apparently I have claws. Who knew?
January 7th, 2009 at 4:56 pm
We knew, FMRA. We knew.
January 7th, 2009 at 5:02 pm
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4pXfHLUlZf4
January 7th, 2009 at 5:04 pm
That was the greatest link I’ve ever seen. Anyone wondering who moishe is, please click. ILm still fucking laughing about that one.
January 7th, 2009 at 5:05 pm
Bastard. He got a much better present than I did last Saturday.
January 7th, 2009 at 5:12 pm
i like the 2nd picture much better. thanks for the update.
January 7th, 2009 at 5:16 pm
Brandon Jacobs: Moishe
Derrick Ward: Herschel
Ahmad Bradshaw: Schlomo
Eli: Hannukah Harry
January 7th, 2009 at 5:22 pm
being married and being a pro athlete has to be the worst lifetime decision ever.
Second worst. Rock star under the age of 30 would be at #1.
January 7th, 2009 at 5:31 pm
What do you suppose the odds are that she has intentionally screwed another guy while Eli sat and watched?
January 7th, 2009 at 5:38 pm
“Intentionally” screwed? As opposed to what? Tripped? Fell? Landed on his dick?
January 7th, 2009 at 5:39 pm
When did Eli Manning marry Ann Coulter?
January 7th, 2009 at 5:51 pm
@fmra, I see a typo in your first post. You snuck an extra “i” in there.
January 7th, 2009 at 5:51 pm
@FMRA – Accidently? Unintentionally? Mistakenly?
January 7th, 2009 at 5:52 pm
Dear Penthouse Forum: I never thought it would happen to me, but I was at the club and a girl unintentionally fell upon my exposed, erect penis. It was quite the time.
January 7th, 2009 at 5:59 pm
Sadl,y he never got to take a sip from his sippy cup or juice box.
January 7th, 2009 at 6:01 pm
When did Eli Manning marry Ann Coulter?
Are you saying Abby’s a dude?
January 7th, 2009 at 6:04 pm
KSK version:
Abby: Well either you’re enjoying it or you’ve got a gun tucked into your waistband like Plaxico.
Actual conversation:
Abby:You’re enjoying it or is that a half-roll of dimes in your pocket
January 7th, 2009 at 6:10 pm
RE Otto Man Says:
January 7th, 2009 at 6:01 pm
“Are you saying Abby’s a dude?”
I’m saying that picture makes her look Ann Coulter-ish. So, yeah, I guess the “mannish” part is kind of implied. She does have bigger boobs than Ann, so that’s one in her favor. She should just probably avoid ever wearing a black sleeveless dress or she risks being scolded by random Democrats.
January 7th, 2009 at 6:10 pm
MMMMMMMOOOOOOOMMMMMMMM!!! THE BABYSITTER TOUCHED MY WEE-WEE AGAIN! MAKE HER STOP!
January 7th, 2009 at 6:30 pm
Not the first time a Giants player has shot himself in a club this season.
January 7th, 2009 at 6:33 pm
fmra – love the Dre/Eminem reference. Perfect.
January 7th, 2009 at 6:35 pm
“Nothing’s funnier than a skinny drunk white girl trying to give a “lap dance” at a club. TEE HEE KELLY LOOK AT ME DID YOU SEE!”
except perhaps a tranny trying to give a “lap dance” at a club
/seen it
January 7th, 2009 at 7:24 pm
except perhaps a tranny trying to give a “lap dance” at a club
Jesus, enough with the Ann Coulter talk. I’m about to eat dinner here.
January 7th, 2009 at 7:43 pm
Elisha’s “GNHUHHH” reminds me very much of the movie Blankman, when damon wayans’ superhero would go off at the slightest touch of a woman.
/and thats your obscure 90’s movie reference of the week
January 7th, 2009 at 9:05 pm
Eli as Buster Bluth is funny, but not ‘ha-ha’ funny.
January 7th, 2009 at 9:54 pm
@ ROCCO
Are you guys the “24 Karat Sabres”? Lots of friends help support the strip club.
January 8th, 2009 at 12:37 am
Abby just doesn’t know about Elisha’s penis troll.
January 8th, 2009 at 1:31 am
I wish I were a dorky, naive, son of a heisman so I could score some top-knotch poontang like that.
January 8th, 2009 at 1:17 pm
remember, this is Eli we are talking about, not will leitch
January 8th, 2009 at 1:57 pm
futuremrsrickankiel Says:
“Intentionally” screwed? As opposed to what? Tripped? Fell? Landed on his dick?
Yeah right, like that never happened to you?