Super Bowl Dirty Jobs With Mike Rowe
Mike: My name is Mike Rowe, and this is my job.
I tour the country looking for people who aren’t afraid to get dirty. Hard-working men and women who earn an honest living doing the kinds of jobs that make civilized life possible for the rest of us.
Now get ready…. to get dirty.
I’m outside the Mons Venus gentleman’s club here in Tampa, Florida. There are over 44 strip clubs in the greater Tampa area, and Mons is one of the busiest. And now, with the Super Bowl in town this week, club owners expect to have over six times their normal number of guests. Mons is one of the few strip clubs that allows outdoor tailgating. And as you can guess, things get a little dirty.
This is Lowell Garrison. Lowell works the morning cleanup shift at Mons. Lowell, what is your official title?
Lowell: Well, I don’t really have one. ‘Round here, what I do is usually referred to as cum shovelin’.
Mike: So, you’re a cum shoveler.
Lowell: Yes, sir. We clean up nearly 50,000 pounds of ejaculate on the premises each week.
Mike: That’s a lot of cum.
Lowell: Yes, sir. It certainly is.
Mike: Lowell, what’s the strangest thing you’ve ever had to clean up here at the Mons?
Lowell: Oh, we get all kinds of weird stuff. Cum, corncobs fashioned into dildos, very small fetuses, more cum… One time, I had to clean up a slaughtered ox.
Mike: Are there any fetuses or small dead oxen on the floor today?
Lowell: (hands Mike a mop) You’re about to find out.
Mike: (grimaces at camera) Hoo boy.
(Mike begins cleaning up)
Mike: Lowell, I’m getting this stuff all over. It’s sticking to my wrists.
Lowell: You have to tuck your sleeves into your gloves.
Mike: Couldn’t you have told me that before I started?
Lowell: Hey, you learn on the job, man.
Mike: What’s this red thing?
Lowell: That’s a tomato… no wait, that’s a fetus.
Mike: My foot is stuck, Lowell. There’s a prosthetic arm over here.
Lowell: Just twist your foot!
Mike: Jesus, this is horrible.
(cut to outside the Madden Cruiser)
Mike: Of course, strip clubs are just one part of Super Bowl week here in Tampa. It’s also a huge media event. There are over 10,000 reporters and broadcasters here to cover the game this week, from over 115 different countries. Of course, the best-known member of this media army is NBC analyst John Madden. Madden is unique in that he never flies to games, preferring to travel by bus. THIS bus. The Madden Cruiser. And Jim Farriman is the guy in charge of making sure the Madden Cruiser is fit to cruise.
So Jim, how long have you been in charge of the Madden Cruiser?
Jim: I’ve worked with Mr. Madden for nigh on about two decades now, sir.
Mike: And what goes into keeping the Madden Cruiser running?
Jim: Well, there’s the routine maintenance of checking the engine and what not. But you kind of have to think of the Madden Cruiser as a house as well. So you’re always having to maintain the housing aspects of the vehicle. That means fixing the plumbing, cleaning the floors, cleaning the toilets. There’s more that goes into it than you might think.
Mike: Well, let’s have a look inside. Shall we?
Jim: Yes, sir.
(door flies open)
Mike: HOLY SMOKES! The hell is that?
Jim: That’s John son, Frank Bag O’ Donuts Madden. We’re early. He’s usually up around four or so. His eyes are open, but I promise you he’s out like a light right now.
Mike: So this kind of mess is usual?
Jim: Every day, sir. He’s actually pretty clean today. There’s usually brown mold growing on him by sunup.
Mike: What do the Maddens DO to make this kind of mess?
Jim: Well, they love eating, of course. If Mr. Madden sees something he likes along the road, he usually makes us stop. He’ll say, “BOOM! Look at that! That diner is named Flo’s! If you’ve got a diner, and it’s run by a woman named Flo, it’s probably gonna be good.” And that’s how it starts. We’ll stop eighteen, twenty times a day. Usually you can’t see the floor of the bus, so yesterday must have been fairly light. I lost my dog a while back. Searched for him for a year. Turned out he had been in here the whole time. I just hadn’t noticed.
Mike: So what are we gonna do in the bus today?
Jim: Well Mike, we’re gonna clean the restroom.
(door flies open)
Mike: You gotta be kidding me.
Jim: You have to understand. We’re sponsored by Outback. So that right there… that’s what we call the Outback Output. Pretty rough stuff. Here (hands Mike a hazmat suit and blowtorch), this is really the only way to sanitize it. I have ammonium nitrate capsules in the back if you start feeling dizzy.
Mike: Jim, I’m starting to lose my eyesight.
Jim: Yep. It’ll do that to ya.
Mike: God, this sucks.
(cut to Mike outside the Steeler locker room)
Mike: I’m outside the Steelers locker room. Players spend up to 18 hours a day studying and practicing to get ready for the big game. And in that 18 hours, they leave behind them a long trail of dirty jocks, sweaty pads, training table scraps, and discarded Cortisone shot needles. But even when that’s finished, the worst cleanup job is still yet to come. I’m here with TV actress Missy Peregrym. Missy, what exactly is it that you do for the Steelers?
Missy: I’m Ben Roethlisberger’s girlfriend.
Mike: So, what does that job entail?
Missy: My general responsibilities include hanging out with Ben, talking to Ben, snuggling with him, providing emotional love and support, helping him with his coloring books, rubbing his head when he’s said too many words, convincing him that if I hide behind a sofa I haven’t disappeared forever. Stuff like that.
Mike: That’s quite a lot to handle.
Missy: It’s okay. It has its rewards.
Mike: So, what will I be doing today?
Missy: You’re gonna be fucking Ben.
(door flies open)
Ben: HARF HARF. BEN HAVE STICK IN PANTS. NEEDS TO MAKE PANT KLEENEX.
Mike: Oh, fuck me.
Ben: OKAY MISTER.
Tags: annual TV parody, Big Daddy Drew, bonus points to Mike for using We Care A Lot for his theme song
January 28th, 2009 at 2:14 pm
Just. Plain. Awesome.
January 28th, 2009 at 2:16 pm
The part about the strip club was so depraved I thought Punter had written it.
January 28th, 2009 at 2:17 pm
That’s a tomatoe…no, that’s a fetus. Well done sir.
January 28th, 2009 at 2:18 pm
a better scene than the strip club woulda been the taco bell next door.
January 28th, 2009 at 2:18 pm
All this needs is Judith Light
January 28th, 2009 at 2:20 pm
I totally read that with Mike Rowe’s voice.
/turned on
January 28th, 2009 at 2:22 pm
@Jim U
Same here. I kept thinking to myself “jeez punte, that’s just wrong”
Bravo Drew, haven’t laughed that hard out loud in a while
January 28th, 2009 at 2:28 pm
That’s a tomato… no wait, that’s a fetus
Somebody beat me to it. Damnit!
January 28th, 2009 at 2:30 pm
hoo boy
jizz mopping always gets the laughs
January 28th, 2009 at 2:30 pm
Totally fucked up…just the way I like it.
Bravo, Drew.
January 28th, 2009 at 2:30 pm
That was great. You’ve got Mike Rowe nailed. Especially helps since I was watching Dirty Jobs last night.
January 28th, 2009 at 2:30 pm
Yeah, I thought we were in Punterland too.
That first part also made me think of the Family Guy episode where Peter gets the space shuttle. “Yeah, I rubbed it out a lot in space, but after a while, it’s kind of like living in a snow globe.”
January 28th, 2009 at 2:32 pm
I’ve been trying for a while to come up with a way to make my middle-management desk job gruesome enough to warrant a visit from Mike Rowe, for the sole purpose of throwing myself at him at the first available opportunity. I think tomato fetuses just might do the trick. My coworkers already hate me anyway.
January 28th, 2009 at 2:33 pm
i actually saw a toilet like that when i was at a bus station in australia. needless to say, the deuce had to wait.
January 28th, 2009 at 2:35 pm
Given the choices….
yeah I would be a jizz mopper.
Outstanding, Drew.
January 28th, 2009 at 2:35 pm
How did Mike not come across Eugene Robinson in the strip club?
January 28th, 2009 at 2:36 pm
@Jim U.–My thoughts exactly. I was shocked, SHOCKED I tell you, when I got to the bottom and didn’t see the word Punter.
January 28th, 2009 at 2:37 pm
HARF HARF HARF IT’S BEN’S TURN TO USE THE SEX-BOX.
January 28th, 2009 at 2:38 pm
rubbing his head when he’s said too many words, convincing him that if I hide behind a sofa I haven’t disappeared forever
As Ben himself might say, JENEUS
January 28th, 2009 at 2:41 pm
I think that attempting to dissect the Israeli conflict, or maybe even playing Call of Duty, would be a far more daunting challenge than simply fucking The Ben.
I do, however, hereby commit to using the phrase “pant kleenex” at least once today in polite conversation.
January 28th, 2009 at 2:42 pm
That was great. You’ve got Mike Rowe nailed.
And now Ben does too
January 28th, 2009 at 2:45 pm
/forgot entire article about the time Ben’s girlfriend showed up
PS. Drew – LOVE LOVE LOVE Father Knows Shit – you should make it your next book project.
//coming from the idiot who bought two copies of Men With Balls – one to keep, one to give to a friend
January 28th, 2009 at 2:54 pm
Simply Awesome!!!
January 28th, 2009 at 2:58 pm
“convincing him that if I hide behind a sofa I haven’t disappeared forever”
+1 Drew
January 28th, 2009 at 2:59 pm
If Mr. Madden sees something he likes along the road, he usually makes us stop. He’ll say, “BOOM! Look at that! That diner is named Flo’s! If you’ve got a diner, and it’s run by a woman named Flo, it’s probably gonna be good.”
Bravo!
January 28th, 2009 at 3:08 pm
I knew a guy who was a jizz mopper by night and a prep cook by day. I never ate at that restaurant.
January 28th, 2009 at 3:08 pm
Where the fuck do you find a picture of a guy passed out with food all over him? Forget I asked that.
btw, Mons Venus is a great strip joint. Full contact lap dances, at least the last time I was there.
January 28th, 2009 at 3:17 pm
Yep. Ben’ll do that to ya.
January 28th, 2009 at 3:19 pm
I’m so sad that Missy Peregrym is dating Ben Rongrastname. It makes me like Leaper so much less.
January 28th, 2009 at 3:22 pm
@UU: The fuck kind of clubs you go to?
January 28th, 2009 at 3:24 pm
So is it ok to Like Dirty Jobs and Mike Rowe, even though he does truck commercials?
January 28th, 2009 at 3:31 pm
anytime u can work cum and dead fetuses inyou have a winner
January 28th, 2009 at 3:33 pm
@UU – Mons Venus is still the same and still great. The cover always doubles during Super Bowl week to $40. But if you can get a seat, it’s worth it.
January 28th, 2009 at 3:49 pm
That was superfantabulous!
Last I heard you could finger bang the the strippers at Mons. I’ve never been, but some of my homies used to go every now and again.
January 28th, 2009 at 3:50 pm
Is that the toilet from Trainspotting?
Drew wins the internets today.
January 28th, 2009 at 3:59 pm
This was a masterpiece of parody.
January 28th, 2009 at 3:59 pm
“convincing him that if I hide behind a sofa I haven’t disappeared forever” Out-Fucking-Standing!!
January 28th, 2009 at 4:06 pm
Not for nothing but where the hell is that guy’s cock?
January 28th, 2009 at 4:13 pm
you forgot the part where the cum mopper had to bite into the “tomato” to find out it’s legitimacy; either way, slow clap for you sir…
January 28th, 2009 at 4:13 pm
Good question Cock Flashy. I noticed that too, but didn’t want to bring it up and appear gay. But now that you bring it up, where the fuck is it? It almost appears to have cameltoe. Wha? I am not.
January 28th, 2009 at 4:16 pm
His dick is hanging off the cabinet right behind his head.
January 28th, 2009 at 4:36 pm
Mons Venus is just bad Latin. It should be Mons Veneris (genitive form of “Mound of Venus”). I only go to strip clubs that use proper Latin. I’ll now punch myself in the Mons Pubis and see myself out.
/sneaks back in wearing sunglasses and fake moustache.
January 28th, 2009 at 4:42 pm
My 7-year-old loves “Dirty Jobs”. I’m just sick that I can’t share this with him. Hmmm…..maybe if I find/replace “fetuses” with “kittens”…
January 28th, 2009 at 5:00 pm
With all respect, Tourettsa, you look for proper Latin in Church. It’s proper LATINAS you want in your titty clubs.
*clears throat* Not like I know any Church Latin, or anything.
January 28th, 2009 at 5:01 pm
Food, Sex, and Mike Rowe. Awesomeness.
I just need a handjob to wrap it up.
January 28th, 2009 at 5:21 pm
Let me just add another +1 for you Drew. This will almost make me buy your book.
January 28th, 2009 at 5:33 pm
Words wont even do this justice. Simply glorious!
January 28th, 2009 at 5:43 pm
Raise your hand if you’ve ever stumbled drunkenly out of a strip club and the sun is still shining:
/raises hand
Raise your hand if you’ve ever eaten from a strip club’s lunch buffet:
/raises hand, bows head in shame
January 28th, 2009 at 6:00 pm
Raise your hand if you watch Stick It every time it pops up on premium cable because of Missy Peregrym.
January 28th, 2009 at 7:04 pm
This is the email for doing Sunday.
…That’s John son, Frank Bag O’ Donuts Madden.
Perfect.
…There are over 44 strip clubs in the greater Tampa area, and Mons is one of the busiest.
Mons, as the name of a strip club? Beyond perfect.
So, you here Sunday or what?
January 28th, 2009 at 8:57 pm
Jeez punte, that’s just plain ol’ fuc… oh what the hell Drew.
January 28th, 2009 at 10:34 pm
@gino:
while you’re right, mons’s marketing department decided to go with the goddess of love because polling showed the proper latin name made too many patrons think of venereal disease.
true story.
+2 to bdd for working the prosthetic arm in there. fisting practice i suppose?
January 28th, 2009 at 11:28 pm
I’m a big-time Steelers fan, but that was some Grade-A funny shit!
“…rubbing his head when he’s said too many words…”‘
Bwahhahahaahaahahaa…..
Ben’s pretty good, but he do talk kinda stoopid sometimes….
January 28th, 2009 at 11:39 pm
Do you know how much the average jizz mopper makes an hour?
January 28th, 2009 at 11:40 pm
Oh, and the fact that Missy Peregrym is fucking Rongrastname brings a tear to my eye.
January 28th, 2009 at 11:47 pm
Do you know how much the average jizz mopper makes an hour?
About a quart?
January 29th, 2009 at 10:51 am
/helping him with his coloring books, rubbing his head when he’s said too many words, convincing him that if I hide behind a sofa I haven’t disappeared forever. Stuff like that.
Best part of the post
January 29th, 2009 at 1:35 pm
Ahhhhhh – it’s been too long since you’ve posted Ben saying “HARF”… that word is so perfect that every time I see Rongrasname on TV, I say “HARF” out loud.
January 29th, 2009 at 4:43 pm
Cum Shoveler? I always thought the title was jizz-mopper, maybe it’s just a regional difference.
And as for Missy Peregrym, I’d Reaper.