Steve Smith’s Guide To Baby Punching!
Hey you! Yes, you! Ever wanted to punch a baby, but didn’t know how to do it? Well, you’re in luck! Because now you can learn from America’s top baby punching expert, Steve Smith!
“Hi. I’m Steve Smith of the Carolina Panthers. Now that our season is over, I can get back to one true passion in life: punching babies. I’ve made lot of Pro Bowls and earned millions of dollars in my lifetime. But none of that compares to the satisfaction that comes with well-executed baby punch. I’ve punched a lot of things: women, cars, walls, dogs, mirrors, bathroom stall partitions, antelope, Ken Lucas’ stupid face, vaginas, and car rental clerks. BUT BABY PUNCHING IS THE BEST PUNCHING YOU CAN GET.
“I’ve punched over 347 babies in my lifetime. And now, I’d like to share the secrets to my success with you. WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU LOOKING AT, ASSHOLE? I WILL PUNCH YOU AND YOUR FUCKING KIDS.”
The Steve Smith 5-step baby punching technique is practiced by baby-slaughtering professionals the world over, from Colombia to Nairobi. And now, for the first time ever, Steve is going to show you how to punch babies LIKE A PRO!
STEP ONE: FIND A BABY
STEVE SAYS: “Findin’ babies isn’t hard. You can usually find one or two lying around Darren McFadden’s house. Otherwise, I suggest heading to the grocery store. Lots of women take their babies there. They’re usually sitting in the cart, crying or some shit because they can’t reach a box of Fruit Roll Ups or something. God, babies are so fucking stupid. I can’t wait to find one and then punch the shit out of it. YOU HAVE A PROBLEM WITH THAT, BITCH? WELL, MAYBE STEVE SMITH NEEDS TO BREAK YOUR FUCKING EYES.”
STEP TWO: SCOUT THE BABY’S WEAKNESS
STEVE SAYS: “You can’t just go punch a baby right away. You gotta watch them for a bit, so you can pick up on their tendencies. No need to rush. Like this one time, I noticed that whenever this one lady said HOORAY to her baby, the baby raised her arms. That opens up a great path for your fist. So then I went up to the kid and said HOORAY! Then the baby raised her arms and I went BOOM BITCH! Dropped that baby like a damn stone. DAMN, THAT’S GOOD BABY PUNCHING. If that baby didn’t have a shit in her pants before then, she sure did afterwards. AND IF YOU DON’T LIKE IT, I WILL KILL YOU IN YOUR SLEEP.”
STEP THREE: BEGIN YOUR WINDUP
STEVE SAYS: “The key to a good windup is to use your whole body. Don’t just cock your arm back. You won’t get good torque that way. You want to twist your entire torso, so that you’re punching that baby with the entire force of your body weight. AND DON’T SKIMP ON THE KNUCKLE TAPE.”
STEP FOUR: PUNCH THE BABY
STEVE SAYS: “Now, plant your right foot forward and deliver a swift blow right to the baby’s face. If you do it right, you won’t even hear the baby cry! It’ll just shut the fuck up. It’s like silencing the crowd on the road. Can’t get better than that. The key is, DON’T BABY THAT BABY. Too many guys get into baby punching thinking it’s easy, and then when they gotta do it, they say, ‘Hey, why am I punching a baby?’ BECAUSE BABIES ARE STUPID, THAT’S WHY. NOW PUNCH THAT BABY, OR I WILL PUMMEL YOUR BALLS. STEVE SMITH SAY IT’S BABY-MASHING TIME.”
STEP FIVE: RUN
STEVE SAYS: “You have to be able to run fast, because the second you punch that baby, the crowd is gonna react. I like to run wind sprints all spring long to keep my calves strong. That way, ain’t no mother out there that can catch me. All they can do is yell and say, ‘AHHHH WHY ARE YOU PUNCHING MY BABY?! WHAT KIND OF MAN PUNCHES INNOCENT CHILDREN?! WHY? MY BABY! MY BABY!’ That’s funny. I PUNCHED YOUR BABY BECAUSE YOUR BABY LACKS HEART. SHE WAS JUST LAYING THERE LIKE A LITTLE BITCH. I’M IN THIS LIFE TO WIN! YOUR BABY JUST GOT OUTCLASSED!
“You got a problem with how I do business? No? Because I’ll fucking drive a car over your fucking parents if you do. DO NOT FUCK WITH ME. I AM NOT A NICE PERSON.”
Tags: Big Daddy Drew, photoshops by Ape, steve smith scares me to death
January 14th, 2009 at 10:07 am
Did that just happen?
January 14th, 2009 at 10:08 am
geez, BDD that’s just wrong
And do the same rules apply to toddlers and what is the cut off age between toddlers and babies? I say 18 months.
January 14th, 2009 at 10:11 am
Oh, that’s how you do it.
January 14th, 2009 at 10:15 am
Drew,
This is your best work of the entire season. I laughed so hard I think it actually cured my hangover.
I tip my beaver pelt hat to you, sir.
January 14th, 2009 at 10:18 am
Also endorsers of baby punching: Albert Haynesworth, Vince Wilfork and Dan Snyder
January 14th, 2009 at 10:18 am
What about adults who act and cry like babies? Can I punch them? Babies just lie there when they get KTFO. Adults acting like babies that get KTFO really crumple to the ground with a thud. And most crowds will thank you instead of chase you.
January 14th, 2009 at 10:19 am
Sometimes, Steve Smith punches babies with fetal alcohol syndrome just to punish the mother.
January 14th, 2009 at 10:20 am
If he were punching them with Delhomme, Step 3.5 would be to make sure both parents were very close by.
January 14th, 2009 at 10:25 am
Yes, but what about punching Sudanese starving AIDS babies? Gotta look out for the child soldier toddler siblings.
January 14th, 2009 at 10:25 am
Far and away, the most fucked up thing about this post, are the targeted advertisements I am seeing on the right hand side pushing BabyInABag.com and a solution for colic, yet nothing for head wounds administered after being punched.
January 14th, 2009 at 10:26 am
“MAYBE STEVE SMITH NEEDS TO BREAK YOUR FUCKING EYES.”
bravo.
/slowclap
January 14th, 2009 at 10:29 am
The bad thing is that chick holding the baby in the colic add looks like she is 15. What is this world coming to? COULD YOU EVER IMAGINE IN A MILLION YEARS THAT THERE WOULD BE ADVERTISEMENTS WITH YOUNG MOTHERS HOLDING THEIR YOUNG ONES?
January 14th, 2009 at 10:29 am
Travis Henry is intrigued.
January 14th, 2009 at 10:34 am
This one is going in the KSK favorites folder
January 14th, 2009 at 10:34 am
You know, I have been looking everywhere on the internet the last couple of weeks to find a guide on baby punching. Now my prayers have been answered…..thanks Drew!
January 14th, 2009 at 10:38 am
Findin’ babies isn’t hard. You can usually find one or two lying around Darren McFadden’s house.
This made me chortle like a fat girl.
January 14th, 2009 at 10:42 am
I. Can’t. Stop. Laughing.
Dude, you are — by far — the most twisted (and talented) writer in the world.
I hate myself for loving you.
January 14th, 2009 at 10:44 am
Despite all the various jokes about bestiality, coprophagia, rape, murder, incest, drug abuse, racism and underage prostitution ever made here, this might be the most disturbing thing ever posted on KSK. Peezy say: FIX YO BABY.
January 14th, 2009 at 10:46 am
I’m surprised you didn’t get better Google ads.
Results 1 – 10 of about 182,000 for steve smith baby punching
January 14th, 2009 at 10:47 am
With SafeSearch on, mind you. (stupid work firewalls).
January 14th, 2009 at 10:57 am
Completely hysterical. And the tag at the end was the funniest part.
January 14th, 2009 at 11:02 am
Steve, should I put on the foil for these kids?
January 14th, 2009 at 11:23 am
*Waits patiently for Wife/Girlfriend punching instructions from Randy Moss
January 14th, 2009 at 11:45 am
Special bonus, if you punch the baby at night it will sleep in for you the next morning.
January 14th, 2009 at 11:53 am
will this be in the director’s cut of men with balls?
January 14th, 2009 at 12:01 pm
Steve Smith : Baby Punching :: Sun Tzu : infantry combat
January 14th, 2009 at 12:11 pm
Baby Punching is especially satisfying is the kid has red hair and freckles.
January 14th, 2009 at 12:18 pm
Ad on the right hand side of page:
“Teach Your Baby To Sleep
Step-by-step program teaches any baby to sleep through the night!
http://www.sleepsense.net”
I think Steve Smiths method probably works better.
January 14th, 2009 at 12:22 pm
/I PUNCHED YOUR BABY BECAUSE YOUR BABY LACKS HEART. SHE WAS JUST LAYING THERE LIKE A LITTLE BITCH.
wow – this is the kind of tomfoolery that makes this site worthy of a weblog award again. NO ONE DENIES THIS!
January 14th, 2009 at 12:23 pm
Wow. Just wow. I was gonna add “Ya betta punch somebodaaaaaaaaaay”, but, really. Wow. This is just awful.
/still laughing
January 14th, 2009 at 12:33 pm
they have no defensive skills
/louis ck
January 14th, 2009 at 12:40 pm
QUICK TIP:
If you go to Nebraska, you can punch babies that have been legally abandoned at hospitals. The staff usually looks the other way.
January 14th, 2009 at 12:49 pm
Marmalard has been beating down retarded-looking fetuses for even longer.
January 14th, 2009 at 12:56 pm
What in the hell? Clearly Steve Smith is a heartless bastard that deserved to lose that game.
/goes back to punching baby mammas.
January 14th, 2009 at 1:58 pm
roland_t_flakfizer–
The issue with Delhomme is, even his punching attempts would be intercepted.
January 14th, 2009 at 2:03 pm
@deepfriar
Victorious warriors get away with it first, and then punch babies, while defeated warriors punch babies first, and then seek to get away with it
January 14th, 2009 at 2:36 pm
Dear Steve Smith,
The baby I’ve been scouting’s weakness is peek-a-boo. That smug asshole covers his eyes until somebody says “peek-a-boo” and then he flails his arms around in laughter like a dumbass.
My question is, should I punch the baby when his bitchass is covering his eyes so he definitely can’t see it coming, or should I wait until he starts laughing like a dumbfuck?
Signed,
Probably Pacman Jones
Also, what am I supposed to tell my co-workers who are asking me why I can’t stop laughing? “Oh, I’m reading about how to punch a baby”?
January 14th, 2009 at 3:04 pm
+1, El Duke
January 14th, 2009 at 3:24 pm
I’d like to see this infomercial. The guy with a frustrated look on his face, filmed in black and white swinging away at a baby, unable to connect. Thinking to himself, “theres got to be a better way.”
January 14th, 2009 at 3:37 pm
@ Weed Against Speed: Why did no one punch Peyton then?
January 14th, 2009 at 4:03 pm
Jesus Drew…
If your wife ever sees this, she’s going to turn what little is left of your balls into garlic mash.
January 14th, 2009 at 4:38 pm
Geez Punter, that’s just… wait, what?
January 14th, 2009 at 5:09 pm
What, the baby from the Fuck the Patriots post wasn’t available for more abuse?
http://kissingsuzykolber.uproxx.com/2008/02/just-quick-reminder-to-patriots-fk-you.html
January 14th, 2009 at 5:13 pm
Holy shit, I am crying from laughing so hard. This made my week. Sometimes you just have days that you want to punch a baby…or dropkick a quarterback!
January 14th, 2009 at 5:49 pm
While I choose to remain…..non-committal on baby punching, I have to say that this post does, in fact, give great advise on punching in general. The tips given here will help me punch anyone, be they 18 years old or 18 months old.
/cue “The More You Know” music
January 14th, 2009 at 8:10 pm
So Steve Smith=Dane Cook?
January 14th, 2009 at 8:19 pm
When there aren’t any babies around to punch, I like to give wedgies to the elderly. It’s funny to watch an octogenarian try to pull a pair of Depends out of the crack of his ass.
January 15th, 2009 at 11:55 am
trying not to laugh at work
trying not to snot on the keyboard
this is worse than the esther baxter boner from a couple weeks ago…
it’s not like you can put your head under your desk and laugh into an extra pair of socks you keep in the office in case of ‘emergencies’
January 15th, 2009 at 3:54 pm
best.article.ever. i had to stop 4 or 5 times before I got through it to regain my composure at my desk.