Joe Buck: …and that does it for the first half. Coming up, join Terry, Howie, Jimmy and other grown men with little boys’ names for the FOX Sprint Halftime Report. But first, these words from our sponsors.
Cleatus the FOX Sports Robot: (runs in place)
(does push-ups)
(puts tin of Copenhagen into facemask)
[OFF-AIR IN THE FOX STUDIO]
Terry Bradshaw: … so I said, “Hooo-WEEEEEEEEEEE!!! Honey, skinnin’ raccoons is the other thing I’m good at!”
(everybody laughs for five seconds)
Curt Menefee: Ohhh, Terry, you are just too WACKY!
Terry: Whatever, BLACKIE!!!
(everybody laughs for five seconds)
Cleatus: (stops doing jumping jacks) *FORCED* *LAUGHTER* *NO MORE*
Terry: Well hey there now, Cleatus! Takin’ some time off between commercial breaks, huh?
Cleatus: (scans Bradshaw with infrared) *ANNOYANCE LOCATED* *TERMINATE*
Terry: Why, you know, I got a cousin named Cletus back in–
Cleatus: (throws metal football through Bradshaw’s head)
Frank Caliendo doing John Madden impression: Whoooaaaaaaaaa! Didja, did ya see that? Cleatus just, he just, just threw the football through Terry’s head! One minute Terry’s talking, then BOOM! His head’s all splattered. Heh.
Cleatus: *TIRED* *IMPRESSION* *TERMINATE*
Frank Caliendo doing Robert Deniro impression: Are you talkin’ to me? You talkin’ to me?
Cleatus: (rips off Caliendo’s head, then spikes it through the floor. It travels through the planet’s crust into the Earth’s core, where it gets skewered on a pike in Hell)
(The sun comes out all across America, and children of all races hold hands)
(TBS’s ratings go up)
Howie Long: Yeah, I guess those were some pretty violent deaths. Nothing I couldn’t do with my truck, but not too bad. It’s possible you don’t sit down to piss radiator fluid. Hell, you might not even be completely impotent.
Cleatus: *WHAT*
Howie: ‘Course, a real badass killer robot wouldn’t leave without havin’ his way with a Super Bowl-winning coach.
Cleatus: *OH YEAH* *WATCH* *THIS*
Jimmy Johnson: WHAT?!?!?! Ahhhhhh!!!! No!
(struggles)
NOT THE HAIR! Nnggghhhh!!!!!
Howie: Popcorn?
Menefee and Michael Strahan: Sure!
_________________________________________________________________________________
[MILLIONS OF AMERICAN HOMES]
(The entirety of the halftime report consist of game highlights playing in an empty studio. The only sound is something rhythmic and vaguely mechanical)
Football Fan: Now see, THIS is the kind of halftime show I’ve been asking for!
![[avatar]](http://p.uproxxcdn.com/global/images/default-avatar.jpg){kind=avatar}
![[image]](http://cdn.ksk.uproxx.com/wp-content/thumbnails/130/110/2012/02/horizontal-shower-150x150.jpg)
![[image]](http://cdn.ksk.uproxx.com/wp-content/thumbnails/130/110/2012/02/belichick-sweats-150x150.jpg)
The best part?
jimmy-johnson-raped2.jpg- we really do need to see the original. . .
Please sick his ass on Joe Morgan.
Howie’s truck is a nice addition to KSK.
JewDago is pissed.
/watchoutderenow
@Johny Drama:
Fox had a contest to name the robot. I can’t remember whether Cleatus was picked through a poll, or if Fox picked the name from among the suggestions
Why does Michael Strahan live under your scenario? The world could do with one less smug personality-free ex-Giant who has nothing insightful to say, and who only got into the broadcast booth because he played in New York/New Jersey, and the studio execs lack the creativity to venture outside their Manhattan cocoon.
Can this be a regular feature? I’m all for Cleatus taking out the various studio “analysts.” It doesn’t matter which network, they all need to die horrible deaths.
I might actually be able to watch Fox’s pre-game now. Not without cackling maniacally, though…
it’s amazing – even in death, frank caliendo’s stupid, smug fucking face manages to piss me off. you’d think that him being dead might be enough to make my hate for him subside, but i still want to see his corpse beaten by a mob of coked-out, drunken soccer hooligans, the skin flayed off it, pigs and hyenas introduced to eat the meat that’s left, have his skeleton pulverized into dust by a steamroller, see his skull defiled by lexington steele then pissed in by max hardcore, and then take all the remains and bury them upside down at the ancient indian burial ground so he’ll, i hope, come back as a zombie and we can kill him all over again.
dear lord, i hate that fucking moroinc asshole piece of shit. i hope all the bad things in life happen to him and him alone.
It reminds me of one of those Japanese pornos where they censor the dick but have no problem showing a hot, steaming load splattering all over some crying chick’s face.
God, I love Japan.
I would watch this show every week.
You give a robot the name Cleatus…but yet he kills the 2 hicks, the unfunny douche, and lets Howie and the 2 DAHKKIES live? Horseshit.
You mean a “180″, right?
At least me are well on english.
There isn’t enough bleach in the world to erase that last unfortunate image from my head.
I think the best part is the picture you found of Caliendo’s face. Sometimes the best photoshop is no photoshop. Jimmy’s is decent as well.
Oh, and my friends used to have the Football Robot’s routine memorized. We’d sit there and go “OK Footbal Robot, jump up and down. Good, good, now clap and walk away. Nice, now point at me! Ok, do some pushups, and we’re off to break”
A Yo Gabba Gabba reference! Cool Tricks Cool Tricks!
If Brian Baldinger had the right circuits, he’d cry.
Someone needs to shove a couple of pipe bombs into Cleatus’ manifold if he’s ever fucking doing a gay wedding dance during the commercial breaks again.
And I’m definitely behind all of these pre-game and halftime show fuckers getting killed in the most unmerciful, Event Horizon like ways. Except for James Brown on CBS because he’s working with a group of jock morons and a YO GABBA GABBA graduate. Don’t forget to kill Boomer Esiason’s smug ass while you’re at it.
Bravo sir, in my mind cleatus would have more of a “master blaster” relationship with Howie, as in my mind is cleatus is roughly a Charger’s cheerleader’s tit and half tall, and then possibly Howie & Cleatus could die a slow ironic death from the AIDS contracted from Jimmy who in turn contracted it from Troy (obvious) and Irvin’s dirty switchblades. Then possibly there would truly be peace in the forest.
/RUSH
Sam Waterston tried to warn them!
Would it be possible for anything to make such a 360 from being so incredibly obnoxious and annoying to awesomeness?
You mean a “180″, right?
/math major
@Ocho, i was going to word it that way, but i hate puns
I must say, that is some kickass photoshopping there. I hope Cletus makes his way to the CBS studio next.
Kurt, Terry, Howie, Mikey and Jimmy. And Boomer.
they should have bought robot insurance
Wow, that was surprisingly cathartic for me. Thank you for that life enrichment fantasy.
“Not the hair!” Heh heh, that’s a good one.
What’s going on in that first photoshop? It looks like the blood below the neck is censored, as if it were somehow more offensive than the exposed brains and shattered skull just a few inches up.
It reminds me of one of those Japanese pornos where they censor the dick but have no problem showing a hot, steaming load splattering all over some crying chick’s face.
*FOREIGN CONTAMINANT*
It’s depressing that Howie Long survived a Fox halftime show killing spree. Is ‘Douchebag’ the Fox Sports Robot’s kryptonite?
I don’t use the word “hero” lightly, CC, but you may well be the greatest American hero of all time.
The only hesitation I have there is you implied Howie might be smart enough to trick the robot into killing Jimmy Johnson, and then you let him live. There better be a part two to this bloodbath.
Meanwhile, Jay Glazer continues motorboating large-breasted middle aged women just offstage.
@ Shinons
dammit.
As long as Cleatus also has a self-destruct feature, I’m all for it. I was about to come unglued watching that mechanical fuckface do the Electric Slide every single commercial break.
Would it be possible for anything to make such a 360 from being so incredibly obnoxious and annoying to awesomeness? This weekend that fucking thing kept doing the electric fucking slide. And now it’s shoving Frank Caliendo’s head into the Phlegethon. Kickass.
@Optimus: i think we can all
supportget behind jimmy johnson robot rapeHowie thinks Cleatus is a bad-ass killer robot. Just wait until Howie finds out Cleatus drives a Prius!
A halftime show with just Strahan and Howie arm-wrestling wouldn’t be that bad.
Hey Cap? I think you missed a couple of PTSD therapy sessions at Walter Reed.
I always thought Bradshaw’s head would be full of candy, like a pinata.
Anychance this robot can skull fuck Jim Nantz when he’s broadcasting “The Masters” ?
can’t we get a version of this robot over to a Duke game that Dickie V is calling??
Jeez CC, that’s nothing compared to punte.
Not enough weather whore.
This is a segue for the new Terminator films isn’t it?
@wehavehair, don’t forget about NBC’s FNIA (looking at Olberman) and ESPN (looking at Berman)
(rips off Caliendo’s head, then spikes it through the floor. It travels through the planet’s crust into the Earth’s core, where it gets skewered on a pike in Hell)
Now, I don’t think that death is slow and painful enough. Frank deserves to have all his fingers and toes ripped off, one by one, before he’s decapitated. That gives him a chance to really think about what horrors await him.
(door flies open – in walks Rongrastname)
ROBOT KILLED FRIEND TERRY! PEWPEWPEWPEWPEWPEWPEWPEWPEW!!!
As long as Cleatus heads over to the CBS studio next, I’m good with it…
Cleatus wins. Fatality.
Kill! Kill! Kill!
Cleatus with the flawless victory.
Howie’s head might be too big to lift off his body, but no way does the robot let him live. And Jimmy needs to learn to shave that back hair. Or does he style that too?
i think we can all support jimmy johnson robot rape
i would say “geez punte, thats just wrong” but a) its not punte and b) i totally support that happenening in real life