Most Bots’ll Never Kill the Studio Crew, But Then Again Some Bots’ll
Joe Buck: …and that does it for the first half. Coming up, join Terry, Howie, Jimmy and other grown men with little boys’ names for the FOX Sprint Halftime Report. But first, these words from our sponsors.
Cleatus the FOX Sports Robot: (runs in place)
(does push-ups)
(puts tin of Copenhagen into facemask)
[OFF-AIR IN THE FOX STUDIO]
Terry Bradshaw: … so I said, “Hooo-WEEEEEEEEEEE!!! Honey, skinnin’ raccoons is the other thing I’m good at!”
(everybody laughs for five seconds)
Curt Menefee: Ohhh, Terry, you are just too WACKY!
Terry: Whatever, BLACKIE!!!
(everybody laughs for five seconds)
Cleatus: (stops doing jumping jacks) *FORCED* *LAUGHTER* *NO MORE*
Terry: Well hey there now, Cleatus! Takin’ some time off between commercial breaks, huh?
Cleatus: (scans Bradshaw with infrared) *ANNOYANCE LOCATED* *TERMINATE*
Terry: Why, you know, I got a cousin named Cletus back in–
Cleatus: (throws metal football through Bradshaw’s head)
Frank Caliendo doing John Madden impression: Whoooaaaaaaaaa! Didja, did ya see that? Cleatus just, he just, just threw the football through Terry’s head! One minute Terry’s talking, then BOOM! His head’s all splattered. Heh.
Cleatus: *TIRED* *IMPRESSION* *TERMINATE*
Frank Caliendo doing Robert Deniro impression: Are you talkin’ to me? You talkin’ to me?
Cleatus: (rips off Caliendo’s head, then spikes it through the floor. It travels through the planet’s crust into the Earth’s core, where it gets skewered on a pike in Hell)
(The sun comes out all across America, and children of all races hold hands)
(TBS’s ratings go up)
Howie Long: Yeah, I guess those were some pretty violent deaths. Nothing I couldn’t do with my truck, but not too bad. It’s possible you don’t sit down to piss radiator fluid. Hell, you might not even be completely impotent.
Cleatus: *WHAT*
Howie: ‘Course, a real badass killer robot wouldn’t leave without havin’ his way with a Super Bowl-winning coach.
Cleatus: *OH YEAH* *WATCH* *THIS*
Jimmy Johnson: WHAT?!?!?! Ahhhhhh!!!! No!
(struggles)
NOT THE HAIR! Nnggghhhh!!!!!
Howie: Popcorn?
Menefee and Michael Strahan: Sure!
_________________________________________________________________________________
[MILLIONS OF AMERICAN HOMES]
(The entirety of the halftime report consist of game highlights playing in an empty studio. The only sound is something rhythmic and vaguely mechanical)
Football Fan: Now see, THIS is the kind of halftime show I’ve been asking for!
Tags: captain caveman, Cleatus the FOX Sports Homicidal Robot, Howie Long, Ufford Photoshops
January 13th, 2009 at 8:39 am
i would say “geez punte, thats just wrong” but a) its not punte and b) i totally support that happenening in real life
January 13th, 2009 at 8:43 am
i think we can all support jimmy johnson robot rape
January 13th, 2009 at 8:44 am
Howie’s head might be too big to lift off his body, but no way does the robot let him live. And Jimmy needs to learn to shave that back hair. Or does he style that too?
January 13th, 2009 at 8:45 am
Cleatus with the flawless victory.
January 13th, 2009 at 8:49 am
Kill! Kill! Kill!
January 13th, 2009 at 8:52 am
Cleatus wins. Fatality.
January 13th, 2009 at 8:56 am
As long as Cleatus heads over to the CBS studio next, I’m good with it…
January 13th, 2009 at 8:59 am
(door flies open – in walks Rongrastname)
ROBOT KILLED FRIEND TERRY! PEWPEWPEWPEWPEWPEWPEWPEWPEW!!!
January 13th, 2009 at 9:06 am
(rips off Caliendo’s head, then spikes it through the floor. It travels through the planet’s crust into the Earth’s core, where it gets skewered on a pike in Hell)
Now, I don’t think that death is slow and painful enough. Frank deserves to have all his fingers and toes ripped off, one by one, before he’s decapitated. That gives him a chance to really think about what horrors await him.
January 13th, 2009 at 9:06 am
@wehavehair, don’t forget about NBC’s FNIA (looking at Olberman) and ESPN (looking at Berman)
January 13th, 2009 at 9:07 am
This is a segue for the new Terminator films isn’t it?
January 13th, 2009 at 9:23 am
Jeez CC, that’s nothing compared to punte.
Not enough weather whore.
January 13th, 2009 at 9:27 am
can’t we get a version of this robot over to a Duke game that Dickie V is calling??
January 13th, 2009 at 9:31 am
Anychance this robot can skull fuck Jim Nantz when he’s broadcasting “The Masters” ?
January 13th, 2009 at 9:34 am
I always thought Bradshaw’s head would be full of candy, like a pinata.
January 13th, 2009 at 9:37 am
Hey Cap? I think you missed a couple of PTSD therapy sessions at Walter Reed.
January 13th, 2009 at 9:42 am
A halftime show with just Strahan and Howie arm-wrestling wouldn’t be that bad.
January 13th, 2009 at 9:50 am
Howie thinks Cleatus is a bad-ass killer robot. Just wait until Howie finds out Cleatus drives a Prius!
January 13th, 2009 at 10:02 am
@Optimus: i think we can all
supportget behind jimmy johnson robot rapeJanuary 13th, 2009 at 10:09 am
Would it be possible for anything to make such a 360 from being so incredibly obnoxious and annoying to awesomeness? This weekend that fucking thing kept doing the electric fucking slide. And now it’s shoving Frank Caliendo’s head into the Phlegethon. Kickass.
January 13th, 2009 at 10:10 am
As long as Cleatus also has a self-destruct feature, I’m all for it. I was about to come unglued watching that mechanical fuckface do the Electric Slide every single commercial break.
January 13th, 2009 at 10:11 am
@ Shinons
dammit.
January 13th, 2009 at 10:12 am
Meanwhile, Jay Glazer continues motorboating large-breasted middle aged women just offstage.
January 13th, 2009 at 10:16 am
I don’t use the word “hero” lightly, CC, but you may well be the greatest American hero of all time.
The only hesitation I have there is you implied Howie might be smart enough to trick the robot into killing Jimmy Johnson, and then you let him live. There better be a part two to this bloodbath.
January 13th, 2009 at 10:27 am
It’s depressing that Howie Long survived a Fox halftime show killing spree. Is ‘Douchebag’ the Fox Sports Robot’s kryptonite?
January 13th, 2009 at 10:27 am
*FOREIGN CONTAMINANT*
January 13th, 2009 at 10:28 am
What’s going on in that first photoshop? It looks like the blood below the neck is censored, as if it were somehow more offensive than the exposed brains and shattered skull just a few inches up.
It reminds me of one of those Japanese pornos where they censor the dick but have no problem showing a hot, steaming load splattering all over some crying chick’s face.
January 13th, 2009 at 10:43 am
“Not the hair!” Heh heh, that’s a good one.
January 13th, 2009 at 10:47 am
Wow, that was surprisingly cathartic for me. Thank you for that life enrichment fantasy.
January 13th, 2009 at 10:50 am
they should have bought robot insurance
January 13th, 2009 at 10:54 am
Kurt, Terry, Howie, Mikey and Jimmy. And Boomer.
January 13th, 2009 at 10:54 am
I must say, that is some kickass photoshopping there. I hope Cletus makes his way to the CBS studio next.
January 13th, 2009 at 10:58 am
@Ocho, i was going to word it that way, but i hate puns
January 13th, 2009 at 11:00 am
Would it be possible for anything to make such a 360 from being so incredibly obnoxious and annoying to awesomeness?
You mean a “180″, right?
/math major
January 13th, 2009 at 11:00 am
Sam Waterston tried to warn them!
January 13th, 2009 at 11:01 am
Bravo sir, in my mind cleatus would have more of a “master blaster” relationship with Howie, as in my mind is cleatus is roughly a Charger’s cheerleader’s tit and half tall, and then possibly Howie & Cleatus could die a slow ironic death from the AIDS contracted from Jimmy who in turn contracted it from Troy (obvious) and Irvin’s dirty switchblades. Then possibly there would truly be peace in the forest.
/RUSH
January 13th, 2009 at 11:04 am
Someone needs to shove a couple of pipe bombs into Cleatus’ manifold if he’s ever fucking doing a gay wedding dance during the commercial breaks again.
And I’m definitely behind all of these pre-game and halftime show fuckers getting killed in the most unmerciful, Event Horizon like ways. Except for James Brown on CBS because he’s working with a group of jock morons and a YO GABBA GABBA graduate. Don’t forget to kill Boomer Esiason’s smug ass while you’re at it.
January 13th, 2009 at 11:12 am
If Brian Baldinger had the right circuits, he’d cry.
January 13th, 2009 at 11:33 am
A Yo Gabba Gabba reference! Cool Tricks Cool Tricks!
January 13th, 2009 at 11:46 am
I think the best part is the picture you found of Caliendo’s face. Sometimes the best photoshop is no photoshop. Jimmy’s is decent as well.
Oh, and my friends used to have the Football Robot’s routine memorized. We’d sit there and go “OK Footbal Robot, jump up and down. Good, good, now clap and walk away. Nice, now point at me! Ok, do some pushups, and we’re off to break”
January 13th, 2009 at 12:17 pm
There isn’t enough bleach in the world to erase that last unfortunate image from my head.
January 13th, 2009 at 12:23 pm
You mean a “180″, right?
At least me are well on english.
January 13th, 2009 at 1:39 pm
You give a robot the name Cleatus…but yet he kills the 2 hicks, the unfunny douche, and lets Howie and the 2 DAHKKIES live? Horseshit.
January 13th, 2009 at 2:23 pm
I would watch this show every week.
January 13th, 2009 at 2:27 pm
It reminds me of one of those Japanese pornos where they censor the dick but have no problem showing a hot, steaming load splattering all over some crying chick’s face.
God, I love Japan.
January 13th, 2009 at 2:29 pm
it’s amazing – even in death, frank caliendo’s stupid, smug fucking face manages to piss me off. you’d think that him being dead might be enough to make my hate for him subside, but i still want to see his corpse beaten by a mob of coked-out, drunken soccer hooligans, the skin flayed off it, pigs and hyenas introduced to eat the meat that’s left, have his skeleton pulverized into dust by a steamroller, see his skull defiled by lexington steele then pissed in by max hardcore, and then take all the remains and bury them upside down at the ancient indian burial ground so he’ll, i hope, come back as a zombie and we can kill him all over again.
dear lord, i hate that fucking moroinc asshole piece of shit. i hope all the bad things in life happen to him and him alone.
January 13th, 2009 at 3:12 pm
Can this be a regular feature? I’m all for Cleatus taking out the various studio “analysts.” It doesn’t matter which network, they all need to die horrible deaths.
I might actually be able to watch Fox’s pre-game now. Not without cackling maniacally, though…
January 13th, 2009 at 4:29 pm
Why does Michael Strahan live under your scenario? The world could do with one less smug personality-free ex-Giant who has nothing insightful to say, and who only got into the broadcast booth because he played in New York/New Jersey, and the studio execs lack the creativity to venture outside their Manhattan cocoon.
January 13th, 2009 at 5:48 pm
@Johny Drama:
Fox had a contest to name the robot. I can’t remember whether Cleatus was picked through a poll, or if Fox picked the name from among the suggestions
January 13th, 2009 at 5:51 pm
JewDago is pissed.
/watchoutderenow
January 13th, 2009 at 7:20 pm
Howie’s truck is a nice addition to KSK.
January 13th, 2009 at 10:50 pm
Please sick his ass on Joe Morgan.
January 14th, 2009 at 9:57 pm
The best part?
jimmy-johnson-raped2.jpg- we really do need to see the original. . .