Sean Taylor Memorial Meast Of The Week – Divisional Round
People with Blackberries are a fact of life now. I’m grown somewhat immune to fuckheads who will happily tap away at a Blackberry in the middle of meetings, dinners, drinks out, movies, and the like. All because they CAN’T BEAR THE THOUGHT OF GOING THREE GODDAMN MINUTES WITHOUT SEEING IF SOMEONE WROTE ON THIER FUCKING FACEBOOK WALL OR SOME GAY SHIT LIKE THAT.
I can’t fight the tide. If people are going to be shitheads with their Blackberries and iPhones, so be it. I’m tired of trying to rail against them.
But you know what I won’t abide? I will not abide fuckhead asshole douchebags who will happily leave their Blackberries lying around while they tend to other matters, thus allowing their stupid fucking Blackberries to ring incessantly at a spine-piercing volume.
I see people do this all the time. And it makes me want to hunt them down and hack them to death with a paper cutter blade. Hey fuckhead, PICK UP YOUR FUCKING PHONE OR PUT IT ON VIBRATE. Or take it with you to the shitter. Is it so hard? Instead, I gotta sit there while some asshole phone starts going dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun DUNDUNDUN! dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun DUNDUNDUN! dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun DUNDUNDUN! dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun DUNDUNDUN! dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun DUNDUNDUN!
You know that Blackberry ring. That obnoxious, stupid, soul-raping ring. SO HELP ME GOD, IF I CATCH ONE MORE PERSON DO THIS IN PUBLIC, I WILL EAT THEIR BLACKBERRY AND SHIT THE REMAINS OF IT INTO THEIR FUCKING HANDBAGS. DIE. STOP LIVING. BECOME DEAD. I WANT YOU MURDERED.
We were going to have only one Meast this week, and that was Larry Fitzgerald.
Why was Fitty left uncovered for the entire first half? Because YOU CAN’T FUCKING COVER FITTY. So he was all set to be our only meast, and then US Airways pilot Chesley B. “FACKIN’ SULLY!” Sullenberger III safely landed a powerless passenger jet on the Hudson River and saved the lives of 155 people.
I believe that gets you co-meast honors. Honestly, that is all kinds of awesome. Bet HE doesn’t leave Blackberries lying around to ring for hours on end. Get that man a bottle of Booker’s and the finest chocolate hooker money can buy. SAVING LIVES GETS YOU THE CHUCK BARKLEY BLOWJOB PACKAGE.
Tags: Big Daddy Drew, Ever land a plane on a river... ON WEED?, Sean Taylor Memorial Meast of the Week
January 16th, 2009 at 12:10 pm
“SAVING LIVES GETS YOU THE CHUCK BARKLEY BLOWJOB PACKAGE.” – Amen to that. Great job, Sully. Now go get that BJ. You’ve earned it.
January 16th, 2009 at 12:12 pm
Capt. Sully landed that bitch like John fucking Glenn. Take the rest of the week off
January 16th, 2009 at 12:16 pm
I concur with everything here. Pilot guy rules, and I hate that “Sent from my BlackBerry” message at the bottom of e-mails almost as much as I hate the ringing. Half of America now has a BlackBerry, it’s not impressive anymore, if it ever was.
January 16th, 2009 at 12:16 pm
Apparently, the Carolina d-backs spent more time untying Fitzgerald’s pants than actually defending Warner’s passes.
January 16th, 2009 at 12:17 pm
Capt. Sully landed that bitch like John fucking Glenn.
He let the plane burn up in the outer atmosphere and then parachuted the cockpit into the river?
January 16th, 2009 at 12:19 pm
I hate that “Sent from my BlackBerry” message at the bottom of e-mails almost as much as I hate the ringing.
When you get an email from Drew, it says “Sent from the computer I use for downloading midget porn.”
True story.
January 16th, 2009 at 12:19 pm
Best life saving by a guy with a mustache named Chesley EVAR.
January 16th, 2009 at 12:23 pm
Does Chesley’s mustache tickle when you kiss him?
The answer is “slightly.” Only slightly.
January 16th, 2009 at 12:23 pm
looks like he picked a great week to stop sniffing glue.
January 16th, 2009 at 12:23 pm
so measty he’s busting out of his pants. I mean Sully of course. Thank you for tastefully cropping away his heroic loins.
January 16th, 2009 at 12:23 pm
That obnoxious, stupid, soul-raping ring.
I now have a new favorite adjective.
January 16th, 2009 at 12:26 pm
+1 tippy but way to go sully. seriously thats fucking badass.
@otto when o when are they going to announce herm getting fired. i keep checking a trio of websites kchiefs.com, kansascity.com, and espn.com every five fucking minutes hoping they told him to take a hike, but nothing yet
January 16th, 2009 at 12:27 pm
Fuck cunty bailout seeking corporate assdrips with crackberries. Sully for Lord High Czar of Asskicking and Coolness under Fire.
January 16th, 2009 at 12:27 pm
I would take the Blackberry ring any day of the week and twice on Sunday over ANY downloaded fucking ringtone/song/quote from some movie that probably sucked. I have a coworker who has “Hot Blooded” by fucking Foreigner set as the ringtone for his 12 year old daughter. Creepy.
January 16th, 2009 at 12:28 pm
SULLY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
You Rock
Thats what right with this freeakin’ country
January 16th, 2009 at 12:29 pm
I need a ruling, is my Sidekick ghetto enough to exclude me from being grouped in with Blackberry douches or am I even douchier for only halfassing it with the internet phones?
Posted from my T-Mobile SidekickID (aka, the $50 version)
January 16th, 2009 at 12:30 pm
Quentin, I try not to think about it. It’s like waiting for Christmas morning, and it’s killing me.
January 16th, 2009 at 12:33 pm
Option B always beats the side of a mountian or an apartment building.
January 16th, 2009 at 12:33 pm
Fuck Blackberry owners.
Sent from Favre’s Blackberry
January 16th, 2009 at 12:33 pm
What is so fucking important that people are constantly on their blackberries? Oh, and can you simulate a gliding jumbo jet and land on water in any computer flight sim game? If so you could do that high.
January 16th, 2009 at 12:36 pm
Great fackin’ jahb Sully! You fackin’ RAWK! NO ONE DENIES THIS…and Peezy said tuh tell that DAAAAAHKIE Fitzgerald to FIX YO’ PANTS!
January 16th, 2009 at 12:44 pm
what’s worse, sent from my blackberry or sent from my iphone?
January 16th, 2009 at 12:45 pm
Not only did Sully make a great landing(without power), he managed to make an acute left turn without any engine power at only 1400 feet and still cleared the George Washington Bridge by over 600 feet before gently coming to rest in the Hudson. NO ONE DENIES THIS!
But come clean Sully, that tranny hooker you frequent works on 12th Ave right near where you put that plane down. Coincidence? I think not.
And fuck people with crackberrys with a hot iron poker!
January 16th, 2009 at 12:46 pm
There’s a motherfucker at my job who always leaves his phone behind on full blast. This would be bad enough, but his ringtone is the goddamn theme from ‘Halloween.’ So I think I was fully justified in filling his cubicle with goat’s blood.
January 16th, 2009 at 12:49 pm
Fuck all Blackberry HATERS!! The best part about a blackberry is no one can take a shit in your inbox (and cc your manager) after you left work for Happy Hour on Friday and have it fester until Monday morning when you crawl into work. Corporate life is soul raping enough without the e-ambush.
And Sully does in fact rock. This is the FIRST TIME a commercial airliner landed safely in a large body of water with no fatalities. This guy is gonna be giving speeches on leadership under fire for the next 20 years.
January 16th, 2009 at 12:54 pm
You know what drives me to murder? People in the ELEVATOR going to their OFFICE checking their blackberry. You couldn’t wait just 3 more minutes could you, you malignant cunt, could you? Now trip leaving work and get run over by a drunk driver.
January 16th, 2009 at 12:54 pm
@me
could you, could you could you…I suck, use more of these words.
January 16th, 2009 at 1:01 pm
A mighty glass of morning whiskey to former Vikings ballboy Larry Fitzgerald and Capt. Sullenberger.
Seems Sully has finally conquered those demons from Macho Grande.
January 16th, 2009 at 1:12 pm
Fitty and Sully 2016!!!!
And my Blackberry is used for work purposes only and I set it up so that it NEVER says sent from Blackberry so no one knows if I’m at work or not. I love being mysterious. Oh and it’s always on vibrate, because you know it feeeeelllllllssssssss sssoooooooooo gggoooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooddddddddddddd….
January 16th, 2009 at 1:19 pm
DIE. STOP LIVING. BECOME DEAD*
* Pick one (1). User’s choice.
I agree wholeheartedly with the sentiment, though it’s not just blackberry dipshits who do this. It seems there’s a whole horde of cellphone cuntrags who will just leave the fucking thing lying around everywhere. THEN WHY DO YOU HAVE ONE?!
January 16th, 2009 at 1:21 pm
Oh, and hip hip for that pilot. They should cast him as Iceman in Top Gun 2. He’d calmly knock Val Kilmer the fuck out, then have savage anal intercourse with Val’s wife AND daughter in the same room.
January 16th, 2009 at 1:21 pm
Panthers loss – BoA “earnings” – US Airways flight (bound for CLT)
If you don’t like Charlotte, its been a great week for schadenfreude
January 16th, 2009 at 1:23 pm
mmm, blackberry pie.
January 16th, 2009 at 1:23 pm
Fitty’s pants are unbuckled to ease the shitting on all who attempt to cover him.
January 16th, 2009 at 1:24 pm
So we’re not going to get a KSK version for a hand held device? I’m just thinking of a take out version of Sexy Friday.
/sent from my desktop
January 16th, 2009 at 1:26 pm
Seems Sully has finally conquered those demons from Macho Grande.
Nah, I’ll never be over Macho Grande.
January 16th, 2009 at 1:34 pm
Wow. This guy just knocked Judge Michael T. Sauer (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Michael_T._Sauer) out the top slot on my heroes list. Way to go, Sully.
January 16th, 2009 at 1:35 pm
The other day I was waiting at a cross-walk and in front of me was this obnoxious guido douchebag on his new Blackberry bragging to some other douchebag about how great the thing was. He then said “Dude, this Blackberry is the greatest thing since fucking sliced bread.”
Now, I’ve never had sexual intercourse with sliced bread, but it’s gotta be better than a stupid Blackberry.
January 16th, 2009 at 3:00 pm
Sully for Lord High Czar of Asskicking and Coolness under Fire.
A. Fucking. Men. Get that man a beer and a blowjob.
January 16th, 2009 at 3:00 pm
I am Mr. Ten-Years-Behind-the-Technology-Curve, but you can download websites on your Blackberry, right? From, shall we say, randy websites? So, theoretically, you could download porn anytime, away from your wife looming over your shoulder (as she would be on your home PC)?
In that case, no, I have no idea how they could be so popular.
January 16th, 2009 at 3:21 pm
@ Otto- before he got with the spaceman shit, Glenn was a fighter pilot in Korea known for getting his shit shot up and making e-landings
January 16th, 2009 at 3:36 pm
What if I’m using my G1 to look at ksk and laugh like a retard while my co-workers look at me clueless. Is this acceptable?
January 16th, 2009 at 3:43 pm
Sully: “Kareem is my co-pilot”.
January 16th, 2009 at 4:09 pm
I just saw Sully’s wife and daughters. I am betting she is his second wife and he doesn’t need any hookers, she looks capable. You guys will all have to go see for yourself and comment as I can’t be the best judge here.
January 16th, 2009 at 4:11 pm
I have to have a Blackberry for work, but the first thing I did was change the ringtone to the Rolling Stones’ “Heartbreaker.”
January 16th, 2009 at 4:16 pm
When did Drew become Andy Rooney?
January 16th, 2009 at 5:18 pm
Bro I think you need to lay off the crystal meth. How exactly are blackberries worse than any other phone? Dumbshit. How can you talk shit about facebook? Doesn’t your income basucally rely on the same networking and connectivity capabilites that facebook and blackberries are resopnsible for. A friend (I should say former) sent me this post through facebook, but from now on I will know better.
I can honestly say that nothing in your patheitic, unfortunate life qualifies you to include Captain Sullenberger in your tired, recycled Sir Charles joke. In fact, I get it now. YOU ARE THE JOKE! I guess that is pretty funny. ASS.
January 16th, 2009 at 6:59 pm
@Your Mom: Anyone who begins a badly-written sentence with ‘bro’ neeeds to be curbstomped out of existence. Please leave, and go back to the Brazilian scat sites you hide from your sister/girlfriend.
January 16th, 2009 at 10:46 pm
Why do I hear the voice of Stewie from Family Guy when I see Chesly’s pic?
January 16th, 2009 at 11:30 pm
@Your Mom: Hey fuckstain, you come in here bragging about your Blackberry and your connectivity with Facebook that Blackberries are “resopnsible” for and you insult the co-founder of the site. I’ll give you connectivity motherfucker. I have been in upper management for the past 20 years and I have never even had a need for a fucking cell phone. My employees work with me, my contacts can reach me at work and the people I want to talk to know how to reach me at home.
So “basucally” I am calling you a cock swallowing, shit-stained, yapcunt. Come back again and I will make sure you can avoid a future colonoscopy by forcefully inserting your precious blackberry 25 feet into your upper intestine, bro!
Now take a few spare moments to go fuck Your Mom, I already did.
Nobody fucks with the big daddy balls!
January 16th, 2009 at 11:50 pm
It was great to read some of the survivor’s testimony today. Sully truly kicked ass !!
January 17th, 2009 at 4:48 am
who would’ve thunk an air force trained former fighter jock would be good for making a perfect carrier landing without the fucking carrier? goddam. there might be hope for this fubard nation yet.
January 18th, 2009 at 10:36 am
Maddox called…he’d like his schtick back.