Peter King Will Save Your Voice Mail
Before we get this week’s batch of Peter King mental waste, I should note that I had the luck of catching King on the FNIA set on Saturday night. A reader emailed us a while back with a useful observation, and that is this: Every time King goes on TV, his report follows this template:
“I talked to (person King sucks off in print), and he said, ‘Look… (empty quote)’”
The reader is exactly right. Here’s a sample batch of King quotes from his night job:
“I talked to Peyton Manning, and he said, ‘Look, we had out chances, and we blew it.’”
“I talked to Pat Bowlen, and he said, ‘Look, I just felt like it was time for a change.’”
“I talked to my proctologist, and he said, ‘Look, we can’t remove those oyster shells without significant tearing.’”
King’s report Saturday Night was spent primarily on aging Gus Frerotte playalike Brett Favre. King’s report?
“I talked to Brett Favre, and he said to Jets GM Mike Tannenbaum, ‘Look… don’t count on me next year. I may come back, or I may not.’”
You know, for the past four years, Tony Dungy has considered retiring. You know what Dungy does? He goes away for a week, thinks it over, and then tells the Colts what he’s going to do. Decision over. Why does Dungy do this? BECAUSE HE’S A FUCKING PROFESSIONAL. Everything you need to know about Brett Favre is contained in that quote. Don’t rely on me, team! But be sure to cater to my every whim should I make up my mind by September!
FUCK. HIM. BLIND.
Anyway, onto Peter King and his anal traits.
The wild-card results set up Rematch Weekend … and the rematches are of five regular-season barnburners. Philadelphia beat New York by six, New York beat Philly by five, Carolina beat Arizona by four, Tennessee beat Baltimore by three, Pittsburgh beat San Diego by one. Wow. You can’t make this stuff up.
I KNOW! THIS SHIT IS KRAYZEE! Again, we find Peter King rendered awestruck by even the most mildly uncommon of occurrences. HOLY SHIT! LOOK AT THESE TWO CHEERIOS IN MY BOWL! THEY’RE FUSED TOGETHER, LIKE A SIAMESE TWIN ZYGOTE! I COULD SELL THIS ON EBAY! SCIENCE!
Oh, and those regular season barnburners? Titans 13, Ravens 10. Steelers 11, Chargers 10. Yes, there were some real fireworks in those matchups. It was like watching the fucking Blue Angels!
Say, that was a great playoff game Saturday night, wasn’t it? Sure, the Colts didn’t get the ball back in overtime, but I didn’t hear many Colts players or fans bitch about the rule…
The overtime rule continues to be the dumbest, stupidest, most indefensible rule the NFL has on its books.
Uh oh, NFL. You done fucked with the Kaaang!
Giving a coin flip more power than Tony Soprano has now deprived us of a satisfactory ending to two pivotal games this year — Jets-Patriots in Week 11, when the Patriots and 401-yard passer Matt Cassel never saw the ball in overtime after a heroic fourth-quarter comeback, and Colts-Chargers, when we didn’t get to see the NFL MVP even play in the fifth quarter because it was a one-possession overtime.
For real. What a shitty ending to that Chargers game. Darren Sproles clinching it with a Mach 3 sprint to the end zone? BOR-ING. Why couldn’t the game have ended with Peyton Manning countering Sproles’ touchdown with a series of soul-killing passes to Dallas Fucking Clark, putting the game into 6 more overtimes with some kicker finally winning it with a perfunctory field goal? Man, would that have been satisfying!
Instead, we get an ending that was both swift and exhilarating. What a ripoff. YOU COST PETER KING ANOTHER WEEK OF FOUR-HOUR SOUL-SEARCHING TALKS WITH PEYPEY, NFL!
Brian Westbrook and Ed Reed define clutch.
Mark Schlereth thinks that’s a great sentence. That sentence defines heart.
Over the weekend, only Arizona-Atlanta was a relative snoozer.
You mean the one where Kurt Warner had to convert a brutal late third and long to stave off a possible Falcons rally? Yeah, that game was a real shit show. Gimme Chad Pennington lobbing 37 picks in a game any day of the week over that!
I laughed all day Sunday when I kept hearing from the experts about how Peyton Manning didn’t look much like an MVP on Saturday night. No crap, Sherlock!
Whoa, this column is getting heated. Will you be able to handle Peter’s truth?
Pretty hard to be great when you’re on the road in the playoffs and your average starting point all night is the 16-yard line.
This is true. Then again, HE’S THE FUCKING MVP. Does he really need Peter King to make a thousand excuses on his behalf? Well see, Peyton was hurt. And the overtime rules are unfair. And he had bad field position all night. And the kickoff time didn’t coincide with lunar cycle the way it should have. AND DEMONS! DEMONS POSSESSED POOR PEYTON’S BODY! YOU TRY WINNING THE GAME WHEN THE BALROG HAS VIOLATED YOU!
I Don’t Know Who To Praise More From Sunday’s Games This Morning — Brian Westbrook or Ed Reed.
It’s so unfair. You’ve got two penises in front of you, and you can only suck one! Why did God give man just one oral cavity? IT’S NOT RIGHT THAT A PENIS WOULD GO NEGLECTED!
Reed’s not into the I’m-the-greatest game. He’ll let others do it for him, and I’m glad to oblige.
ED REED’S THE GREATEST!
First, I have to issue a major mea culpa to the radio listeners who heard me say the other day Mangini would never get the Cleveland job. Stupid me; never say never in January.
Or perhaps you should just avoid saying never entirely.
Will Pioli return to the safety of the dynastic womb in New England?
I doubt it. As dynastic wombs go, Bill Belichick’s is very cold and damp. And its amniotic fluid is black. Also, Belichick has been known to reach inside the womb and cut the umbilical cord if he finds himself displeased with you.
Hey, it’s fun to speculate… Who really knows?
Not me! Maybe Jay Glazer knows and will actively work to report something useful, but I sure as fuck can’t tell you anything.
The Fine Fifteen
6. New England (11-5).
7. San Diego (9-8).
Because if you’re going to write up meaningless rankings each week, you should take great care to make sure those rankings are REALLY meaningless. Nihlistic, even. That they are devoid of any semblance of coherence or context. Let’s rank the Macbook Air 6.5th!
13. Minnesota (10-7). Back to the drawing board, Tarvaris.
What drawing board? He’s not the coach. He doesn’t design the plays. I don’t want Tarvaris Jackson to go back to the drawing board. I want him to go to a bottle recycling facility and jump into one of the rendering vats. That way, the Vikings won’t be retarded enough to waste yet another fucking year ON A SHITHEAD QB WHO FALLS TO FUCKING PIECES AT THE FIRST FUCKING SIGN OF TROUBLE.
Oops. Got off track there for a moment.
14. San Francisco (7-9). I’d love to be Mike Martz’s realtor.
Because you keep the same realtor no matter what city you move to!
15. Houston (8-8). Offensive coordinator Kyle Shanahan is on the beach in Cabo this morning with his father — or he’ll be there this afternoon, I should more accurately guess…
Never say never, my friend.
Quote of the Week I
“I would have, actually.”
– Matt Millen, the deposed Detroit Lions president, asked by Dan Patrick on NBC’s “Football Night in America” Saturday whether he would have fired himself this season.
Just checking… going back in my archives, and yes. Yes, that’s a big fucking lie. Matt Millen wouldn’t fire himself even if you held a goddamn slingshot to his cock. And that’s Matt Millen for you. He doesn’t even know when he’s not being candid. WHY IS THIS ASSHOLE ON NBC? I WANT TO FUCKING KILL.
Can you blame (Mike Shanahan)? What job out there is a great job? St. Louis, actively seeking a new owner? The Jets, who appear screwed up if not quite rudderless? Detroit, coming off 0-16? Cleveland, with cap and leadership issues? Shanahan’s got to be thinking he’d rather wait for Jerry Jones or Dan Snyder, or some other owner to chase him in 2010 — or before.
Take it from Peter, all you future head coaches out there. Don’t waste your time trying to get a position that offers unfathomable job security regardless of how badly you fuck up (Detroit), or vast resources with a great fanbase (Cleveland). No, no, no. You’re gonna want to hold out until a job opens up working for the two most meddlesome, micromanaging owners in sports history. That’s the PRIMO shit. If you’re REALLY lucky, a spot in Oakland will also open up again!
Ed Reed, FS, Baltimore. “He’s maybe the best player in the game,” coach John Harbaugh said after the 27-9 Ravens win. Easy now.
Leave the breathless overpraising to me, bucko!
Maybe Matt Millen and Jerome Bettis are right. We semi-argued in the NBC studios Saturday night about…
I’m sorry, I couldn’t finish that sentence because my brain liquefied and seeped out of my eyes. This is what happens when your brain starts to picture a semi-argument between Peter King, Matt Millen, and Jerome Bettis.
King: To me, Brett Favre defines gutsy.
Millen: I think he’s gutsy. But he’s also tough, too. He’s gut-tough.
Bettis: You two crazy!
/head melts
Of course, you can’t have a full argument between these three men. An argument requires having a) a topic, and b) people willing to take clearly defined, opposing positions. I think that’s a bit much to ask of that FUCKING TRIO FROM THE BROADCASTING NETHERWORLD. Only semi-arguments for them, please. It’s for the best.
Mind if I vent?
Oh, by all means. If it’s about the blue Maxima, I assure you I’ve heard it before.
Reason to Leave New Jersey Dept.: Friday, 4:10 p.m. Leave for the 16-minute drive to Garden State Plaza in Paramus, for the 4:40 showing of “Frost/Nixon” at big movie megaplex. Friday, 4:27 p.m.: Arrive at parking structure. Look for spot. Friday, 4:34 p.m.: No spots inside or outside a parking facility bigger than Rhode Island. Lines of two and three cars following pokey shoppers to their cars. Drivers swear at drivers. Friday, 4:38 p.m.: Much cursing of car volume in the Garden State. Finally find a shopper with no line behind her. Follow her to the spot. There’s a latecomer zooming in from the opposite direction. I wait. Woman backs out. I park. Latecomer drives away, yelling, “Thanks, —munch.” Friday, 4:48 p.m. Frazzled. Thank God for previews. We miss nothing.
What an epic tale. It’s like a David Lean film squeezed into a single paragraph. It’s got everything: uneventfulness, parking, a protagonist too fucking clueless to know a mall might be crowded on a day most everyone has off, and the word “assmunch.” Then there’s the suspense. Will our hero ever get to see “Frost/Nixon” IN ITS ENTIRETY? Don’t spoil it for me! This could be the greatest story since Peter King’s “I-95: A Driver’s Journey”.
d. Andy Reid: Ernest Hemingway with wire-rims.
So Reid’s going to fellate a shotgun this week? I’m okay with that.
f. I’m actually starting to like Deion Sanders on TV. I know that’ll rankle some peers, but he’s confident, he’s opinionated, he backs up opinions with good arguments (some of which I think are bunk, but who cares?)
Deion Sanders makes some good arguments, some of which are actually bad. But hey, at least they aren’t semi-arguments. And who gives a shit if his arguments are good or bad when evaluating his performance as broadcaster? Why should that matter? I LIKE CHOO CHOO TRAINS!
I think Brett Favre is perilously close to leaving the game…
OH NO! WE’RE ALL IN PERIL!
– for good, this time — and disappearing into a Mississippi deer stand for a long time.
Beats a dynastic womb, that’s sure.
Keep in mind, here’s Peter King on March 4th…
”I think he’d rather edge his 465 acres in Hattiesburg, Miss., and worry about how to contain the runaway beaver population than to have the bright lights on him, even in a small town like Green Bay, for five months a year.
Favre loved being just a guy.”
So yeah, King’s reportage on this matter is about as reliable as his ability to navigate mall traffic.
Favre told me GM Mike Tannenbaum purposely didn’t ask him whether he planned to retire or not when they met last Monday, because the GM feared Favre would say he was gone. Permanently.
“Oh no! He finally disappeared into that deer stand!”
I still have a voice mail from last March from Favre, saying he was retiring, and there was nothing remotely tentative about that.
It’s true. King saves all his voice mails from Brett. They go right into the hope chest.
I’ve been wrong on this story a lot over the years, but after listening to Favre on Friday night, I would be very surprised if he played anywhere, ever.
HOLY FUCKING SHIT, ARE YOU THE MOST EASILY SURPRISED HUMAN BEING ON PLANET EARTH?!
“Omigod! Brett’s playing again!”
“Omigod! This mall is crowded!”
“Omigod! Realtors only stay in one location!”
“Omigod! I have pubic hair!”
JESUS FUCKING CHRIST.
Marty Mornhinweg … Marty, Marty, Marty. You’ve had a good play-calling December, and now, in the playoffs, and you’re my Coach of the Week this week, but … Third-and-one, 80 seconds left in the first half, you’re moving the ball on the Vikes, Minnesota has just scored to move within 16-14, and you throw deep downfield instead of just getting the first down and move downfield to a David Akers field goal or maybe even a touchdown right before the half. Just get the first down and a fresh set of downs.
Marty, you’re great! But you suck! You’re the Deion Sanders of play callers. BUT WHO CARES? HAS ANYONE SEEN MY STUFFED PONY?
You got away with a clear over-the-back interference non-call, Yeremiah Bell, when you climbed over Todd Heap at the goal line to knock that potential first-quarter touchdown pass away.
And I will MAKE YOU PAY WITH YOUR LIFE. I will take you down to Chinatown, Yeremiah Bell. You don’t get away with that shit on PK’s watch!
Explaining why the movie business deserves our disdain: The New York Times reported that the reason movies like “Frost/Nixon” and “Gran Torino” are out for a month in only a handful of theaters nationwide is to create a buzz for them and a ticket demand. If I had any principles, I’d boycott “Gran Torino,” but I can’t because I’m an Eastwoodaholic. But that’s a good way to improve business, Hollywood. By extorting people.
How is this extorting people? Hollywood opens in select cities to build up buzz, then slowly rolls the film out to sustain interest and avoid overhyping it. My God, THAT’S STEALING!
Coffeenerdness: “Refresh” tea, at Starbucks, now is my go-to drink when caffeine is to be avoided at all costs. The minty drink, I’ve discovered, is quite good cold.
Tea? Iced? YOU’RE BREAKING ALL THE RULES!
You can get anything you want at Alice’s Restaurant.
And Peter knows. Just last week, he asked for Alice to whip up some Double Stuffed Veal Loaf with Sasquatch Sauce, and Alice came through.
Caught “Bobby,” the Bobby Kennedy assassination movie. Compelling and interesting.
Just like China!
Emilio Estevez is smart.
Of course he is. HE’S JOHN WISDOM, DAMMIT.
He made a movie where about 20 disparate characters from all walks of life come together at a major intersection of history.
Wise move. A good director always populates his movie with too many characters and then erects a contrived plot where they’re all in the same place as a famous historical event. AND HE DOESN’T TRY AND EXTORT YOU BY USING A SMART ROLLOUT MODEL.
Peter King Word Of The Week: Supercilious. Like DeSean Jackson was on his final punt return in Minnesota Sunday. Did you see that? He ran out of bounds like the thing wasn’t important, like he didn’t care. Weird.
Supercilious def.: disdainful: having or showing arrogant superiority to and disdain of those one views as unworthy; expressive of contempt; “curled his lip in a supercilious smile”
It doesn’t mean indifferent.
Look Peter, you’re an assmunch.
Tags: Big Daddy Drew, FJM style, fun with peter king, this alwasy takes longer than I think
January 5th, 2009 at 1:40 pm
Two-Face loves the coin flip rule for overtime.
College football ovetime rule > NFL overtime rule
January 5th, 2009 at 1:44 pm
I don’t think BDD likes Peter King, unless he does. then he will, sometimes.
January 5th, 2009 at 1:45 pm
Sweeeeet, I’m on my way to Alice’s to get a bong hit and blow job….
January 5th, 2009 at 1:49 pm
Somehow I knew this fuckwad would love Eastwood movies.
“OMG, Eastwood is sneering and growling again. GIVE THAT FUCKER ALL OF THE OSCARS!”
January 5th, 2009 at 1:51 pm
I wonder if King would be so upset about the OT rules if the Jets hadn’t defeated his rebound girl Matt Cassel. King’s lingering sexual frustration over that game is the only plausible reason that a game between two non-playoff teams (Pats and Jets) that happened TWO MONTHS AGO could be the second item in his piece on wild-card weekend.
January 5th, 2009 at 1:53 pm
Sorry there was way to much reading involved in that. I.could.not.handle.it.to.the.end.
January 5th, 2009 at 1:53 pm
Silly Drew, everybody knows that Alice’s Restaurant is just a half a mile from the railroad track
January 5th, 2009 at 1:54 pm
SHITHEAD QB WHO FALLS TO FUCKING PIECES AT THE FIRST FUCKING SIGN OF TROUBLE.
Nailed it. Tavaris looks quite Bolleresque.
January 5th, 2009 at 1:56 pm
I talked to Mary Beth King last night, and she said, “Look, we can do anal, but you’re going to have to get me half-drunk first”.
January 5th, 2009 at 1:57 pm
Yes, but Favre WORKS THE LAND.
January 5th, 2009 at 1:57 pm
You mean that Deshaun knew that they needed to run the clock out and that trying a semi-meaningless big return that could result in a fumble would be idiotic? Maybe he also realized he is just a rookie and it wasn’t the time to be a hero, but rather let Dono and Westbro kill the clock, maybe? Just maybe???????? He did go to Berkeley, maybe he is smart or maybe you are in idiot. I will also accept both.
January 5th, 2009 at 1:57 pm
I’m also thrilled that he continues to reference cancelled television shows like they remain part of the water cooler lexicon.
“Giving a coin flip more power than Tony Soprano…”
“Every day, I find myself saying some Seinfeld line. Sometimes three, four, five times a day.”
“I once dreamed I got a handjob from Dr. Johnny Fever.”
January 5th, 2009 at 1:59 pm
He’s right about NFL overtime, you know. At some point we’re going to have to admit that he’s got one good point about one thing.
January 5th, 2009 at 2:05 pm
…he backs up opinions with good arguments (some of which I think are bunk, but who cares?) My logic class was 25 years ago, but can a good argument be bunk? (McNulty maybe, but bunk?)
/one more reference to cancelled TV show.
January 5th, 2009 at 2:06 pm
“You don’t live near Alice’s? Well you’re fucking useless then, America.”
January 5th, 2009 at 2:06 pm
He’s right about NFL overtime, you know.
No, he’s not. Sudden death is infinitely more interesting than college’s “everyone gets a chance” kindergarten horseshit. If a defense can’t prevent a score on a single possession, then they don’t deserve to win.
/Steelers fan
January 5th, 2009 at 2:07 pm
No, King’s COMPLETELY wrong about the NFL overtime. The reason the Colts lost is because their defense wasn’t good enough to stop the Chargers plain and simple. When you play football, there’s the offense and the defense. The Colts defense had the opportunity to stop the Chargers. They didn’t.
Re: “No crap, Sherlock!”
Wow, that’s like the pot calling the kettle black.
Peter King Word Of The Week? What an arrogant dick.
January 5th, 2009 at 2:07 pm
I don’t want Tarvaris Jackson to go back to the drawing board. I want him to go to a bottle recycling facility and jump into one of the rendering vats. That way, the Vikings won’t be retarded enough to waste yet another fucking year ON A SHITHEAD QB WHO FALLS TO FUCKING PIECES AT THE FIRST FUCKING SIGN OF TROUBLE.
Forget it, Drew. It’s Vikingtown.
January 5th, 2009 at 2:11 pm
We need to start a Bill Simmons weekly entry! Down w/ his New England Homerism!
January 5th, 2009 at 2:12 pm
Peter King Interacts With Humans Chapter IX: The Parking Garage of Discontent
January 5th, 2009 at 2:12 pm
Ice’d tea? Can I get it artificially sweetened as well?
January 5th, 2009 at 2:15 pm
Anyone who compares baseball extra-innings to NFL OT is moronic because in football THE DEFENSE CAN SCORE. Pick 6? Fumble? Strip? Is it impossible to compare the two.
January 5th, 2009 at 2:15 pm
No Crap, Sherlock?!?
That’s like saying, “Frig and Yes!”
January 5th, 2009 at 2:15 pm
Fuck college OT. The NFL should simply tweak the OT rules to say that each team is guaranteed one offensive possession. Problem solved.
January 5th, 2009 at 2:16 pm
Careful there PK, Eastwood alcohol causes blindness!
/regrets warning!
January 5th, 2009 at 2:16 pm
Speaking as someone who’s trying to kill 9 hours a day at work looking busy, I actually read PK’s MMQB, the lesser appreciated MMQB Tuesday Edition, and the lesser known MMQB Wednesday’s Fellate-a-Footballer blow by blow, and I’ve realized this is man who wants everyone to know that football isn’t his whole life, although it could be, if he wanted, which he doesn’t. And he gets PAID by SI to write this. FUCK THAT! But don’t hate. Unless you do. Then, HEY! FAVRE SPITTLE!
January 5th, 2009 at 2:20 pm
and disappearing into a Mississippi deer stand
Is that like one of those dog rape stands that Michael Vick introduced to the world? If so, can we all vote a hearty fucking YES for that worthless sack of cuntdrool Farve to get shackled into one until he fucking dies?
January 5th, 2009 at 2:24 pm
Every one of these writeups should end with the youtube clip of PK eating popcorn in Jerry’s office. NEVER.FORGET.
January 5th, 2009 at 2:25 pm
“– Game 1, Saturday, Ravens (6th seed) at Titans (1st). Earlier this season, Oct. 5, at Baltimore: Tennessee 13, Baltimore 10. They should call this one the “First Team To 10 Bowl.” Baltimore led 10-3 late in the third quarter….”
So…. the First Team To 10 bowl means the first team to 10 loses?
“a. I am mind-boggled that four MVP voters thought Michael Turner deserved the award and none picked Matt Ryan.”
How could a running back that rushes for 1700 yards and 17 touchdowns possibly be more valuable than a quarterback with an 87 passer rating?
“6. I think this is what I didn’t like about wild-card weekend:
f. Michael Turner: zero rushing yards in the second half.”
Kind of hard to run for many yards when you get THREE FUCKING CARRIES because PK’s newest cocktease is throwing picks and fumbling.
“Scifres was Kobe scoring 84. A net punting average of more than 50 yards … unbelievable.”
Aside from the fact that Kobe scored 81, this analogy sucks worse than the river tide.
Someone needs to crash this elite flyer’s plane as soon as humanly possible. That would certainly be an act of heroism worth 70 virgins in the afterlife.
January 5th, 2009 at 2:25 pm
Holy shit, Berman just made a “maverick” “joke” on Sportscenter with Palin-style pronunciation. Is this the first time he’s done this? Is he just now breaking out a Palin joke on January 5th?
January 5th, 2009 at 2:26 pm
And dear God, how fucking SAD is it that he’s still got a voicemail from MARCH? I thought every human being in the world picked up their phone, dialed voicemail, heard “You’ve got 11 new voicemails”, hit the “7″ button 500 times, then hung up? Is that just me?
But in any case, who the fuck KEEPS voicemails?? I can just picture that fat fucker sitting there underneath a starry sky, with a cold winter wind wrapping its icy clutches around his heart, replaying that Favre voicemail over and over as a solitary tear slowly falls down his fat cheek.
Fucking homo.
January 5th, 2009 at 2:28 pm
Did you just suggest that Peter King can’t suck two cocks in one sitting?
Shows what little you know.
January 5th, 2009 at 2:35 pm
Can they please shut Peter King up? This Brett Favre obsession is disturbing… It’s becoming ever more disturbing because he’s becoming rapidly less and less relevent in the NFL.. He threw away the Jets season, turned the team against him and Peter King is sitting there going on and on about if he retires or not? I mean you could obssess about Brady, shit, even Warner.. Those guys have accomplished just as much if not more than Favre throughout their careers.. His bullshit numbers are a testament to his longevity and his weak opposition as a Packer in the NFC North.. Warner’s got 3 MVPs and a ring, too.. Brady has 3 Super-bowl rings in 1/4th of the time.. And neither of them are selfish, ego-maniacs.
January 5th, 2009 at 2:37 pm
What about King Peter’s quote about the Yankees hiring Spagnuolo is they fire Girardi? That’s just nonsense.
January 5th, 2009 at 2:39 pm
I’m with n.o. re: Overtime.
Also, King is a moron for the DeSean Jackson thing. There was no way Jackson was getting upfield, and he could have fumbled if he tried to force it. Instead, he did the smart thing and just got out of bounds w/the ball so the Eagles could run out the clock. I swear, it’s like PK just glances up from his fucking meat-and-cheese tray every 15 minutes long enough so he can make up something to rail about in his column.
Here’s an idea dicksniffer: STOP WRITING SO FUCKING MUCH.
January 5th, 2009 at 2:40 pm
“The wild-card results set up Rematch Weekend … and the rematches are of five regular-season barnburners.”
i’m still waiting for which one is the fifth….. like all other PK articles, i feel like i’ve been jipped
January 5th, 2009 at 2:40 pm
A couple thoughts:
a: How did Peter get his own “word of the day” wrong?
b: I mean like, please, does he not have an editor?
c: I like toast.
January 5th, 2009 at 2:46 pm
Brian Westbrook defines Clutch.
Because there’s nothing more clutch than making yourself completely fucking invisible for three quarters of a playoff game, averaging less than two yards per carry, and then somehow managing to heroically run to the end zone through a hole wider than Peter King’s asshole after a visit from Favre.
January 5th, 2009 at 2:49 pm
Peter Kings keys to winning this weeks games:
a. Score more than the other team
IX. If the defense can pitch a shut out, they should win
42. Don’t get the soy milk latte before the game, my God, it runs right thru you.
#. Give your opponent a copy of my article, they’ll be confused for hours, like me.
Q. If someone calls you an assmunch, don’t flip them off or tell them to fuck off, walk away like a pussy.
ii. Am I right?
January 5th, 2009 at 2:52 pm
King thinks he was called an assmunch because the other driver thought he stole the parking spot, but in reality, the guy recognized who he was. An assmunch.
January 5th, 2009 at 2:58 pm
Maybe he meant that Jackson is super silly?
I refuse to believe he got his own word-of-the-day wrong. Peter King is nothing if not a wordsmith.
January 5th, 2009 at 2:59 pm
Wait……..New Jersey is congested state with asshole drivers? No. Fucking. Way.
Is there any stone PK doesn’t leave unturned?
January 5th, 2009 at 3:11 pm
4:10 p.m. Leave for the 16-minute drive to Garden State Plaza in Paramus, for the 4:40 showing of “Frost/Nixon” at big movie megaplex. Friday, 4:27 p.m.: Arrive at parking structure.
“Holy shit!! That 16 minutes drive took 17 minutes!! I swear, we should nuke half the cars on the road!! And I can’t find parking on a Friday at the mall? That’s bullshit.”
January 5th, 2009 at 3:11 pm
so hey, what’s a deer stand, hey?
January 5th, 2009 at 3:11 pm
@squirmin thurman: Correct PK all you want but its 72 virgins.
January 5th, 2009 at 3:13 pm
We can never rip a Bill Simmons column the way you guys tear into Peter King–Bill’s a great writer, he doesn’t say totally inane bullshit like King does, and besides, he’s a real genius and innovator of the online-column genre. He’s the reason you people even have a blog to begin with.
January 5th, 2009 at 3:13 pm
how about the Giant-Carolina game where it took til the 3rd posession in OT for a team to score, or the crapfest that ended in a tie where we learned that Donovan is retarded, it isnt like every OT game ends with the first posession.
January 5th, 2009 at 3:14 pm
so hey, what’s a deer stand?
From my experience — one bullet, maybe two.
January 5th, 2009 at 3:36 pm
Why did God give man just one oral cavity? IT’S NOT RIGHT THAT A PENIS WOULD GO NEGLECTED!
We all know there’s no dilemma here; PK would just offer up a different cavity to accommodate cock #2.
January 5th, 2009 at 3:37 pm
jdr816=Bill simmonsblogosphere.
jdr (if that is your real name!) you are a cocksucker friend. BS sucks cock and licks mass holes all day and then writes about it.
January 5th, 2009 at 3:37 pm
“We can never rip a Bill Simmons column the way you guys tear into Peter King–Bill’s a great writer, he doesn’t say totally inane bullshit like King does, and besides, he’s a real genius and innovator of the online-column genre. He’s the reason you people even have a blog to begin with.”
LULZ.
January 5th, 2009 at 3:37 pm
Wow, you should plan ahead when travelling to an event with parking areas for a timed event so that you build in extra time to take into consideration unknown traffic patterns??? And, because it was a holiday week and lots of kids were off and looking for things to do other than jackoff to PK columns, there were MORE PEOPLE out in the public area in PK’s way?
HOLY. SHIT. I am amazed. Really. No, really. You sense superciliousness? Oh, that is CAUSE IT’S THERE. USED PROPERLY. IN THE RIGHT WAY.
Eh. Feel much better now.
And really, OT is suddenly a problem for PK and Mike Tirico and who all else because Fetushead Doucheface Poutymouth Manning got bumped. OOOOoooohhhh trouble!
January 5th, 2009 at 3:44 pm
@Ocho Cinco
I take sports much more seriously than geopolitics.
January 5th, 2009 at 3:47 pm
You forgot to mention Quick Hit exhibit 1.a.: “I am mind-boggled that four MVP voters thought Michael Turner deserved the award and none picked Matt Ryan.” Peter’s mindboggled no one picked Matt Ryan for MVP. Even Peter. You can’t make ths stuff up folks.
January 5th, 2009 at 3:48 pm
for all the “don’t change overtime, indy’s d could’ve stopped them!” protesters, i would like to remind you of the two ridiculous defensive holding calls on indy’s d on that drive. calling a hold on a defensive lineman is about as rare a call as there is in football, and anyone who thinks that was a hold on jennings probably thinks that badminton is too physical a sport.
in summary, i agree with whoever gave the idea of tweaking the rules to ensure each team 1 offensive possession in OT. the college football overtime is the equivalent of deciding a soccer game on penalty kicks.
January 5th, 2009 at 4:00 pm
I violate people with the Balrog all the time in ST on XBL. I’m also partial to the Chun-Li and the Vega.
January 5th, 2009 at 4:00 pm
Don’t forget his comparison of Ed Reed against “leading interceptor” Paul Krause as proof of his ballhawkery. PK pops our eyes out with Reed’s per-season interception rate of 6.1 versus Krause’s 5.1, ignoring:
A. NFL seasons were 14 games long in Krause’s era
8. Krause played until he was 37, so including his final years makes no sense in comparing the two.
“. Teams throw the ball over 25% more today.
He had just quoted Rodney Harrison summing up Reed’s impressive career stats in the preceding paragraph, and having nothing more to add, decided to add something.
Please don’t ever stop doing these until PK’s column is reduced to a list of boxscores.
January 5th, 2009 at 4:07 pm
What about the Peyton Manning pocket pool comment? A Peter King wet dream.
January 5th, 2009 at 4:09 pm
I was just checking my voicemail and I got a message from Peter King saying the whole Favre sucking, Peyton unfayuhness and bad traffic, along with having to cut down on his caffeine has his nerves jangled. That’s why he forgot to check the dictionary for the word of the day. He doesn’t know what he’ll do if Favre goes to work the land. He’s thinking that he might think about hanging up his Blackberry, the one with the green Rhinestones on it, from Brett. He’s going to take a week to think about it though, he thinks. He’s hoping Romo or Cassel will call to help him out of this black funk he’s in.
January 5th, 2009 at 4:39 pm
Reason to Leave New Jersey Dept.:
Um, it’s New Jersey?
January 5th, 2009 at 4:46 pm
At first I thought he was calling DeSean Jackson superlicious. Which would have made sense coming from King Peter the homo there.
Also, never, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever change the NFL OT rules to some pansy college bullshit. What is wrong with you people? EVERYONE DOESN’T DESERVE A CHANCE. This is not pee-wee football where every widdle kid gets a widdle twophy. WTF?!?! There is a winner and loser in every game. If you happen to lose, then fucking learn how to deal with it because you’ll probably lose more than once there Billy. I just love how we continue to not prepare our kids for real life.
/jumps off soapbox into recycling plant
//dick joke
January 5th, 2009 at 4:50 pm
It’s not bad enough that he shits all over sports writing, he does it to movie criticism, too. With such style, too: “Eastwoodaholic.” Outstanding.
Please, PK, weigh in on the 2009 TV season next. What are your thoughts on “Lost” and “Gray’s Anatomy”?
January 5th, 2009 at 5:20 pm
I wasn’t expecting to be thinking of Emilio Estevez and “Wisdom” today (or ever, really) but I can’t be surprised to find obscure movie references in a Drew post. The movie was even set in Minneapolis, as was “That Was Then, This Is Now”, also starring Emilio Estevez.
The Circle of Obscure Movie References moves on.
January 5th, 2009 at 5:40 pm
PK was also surprised Michael Turner got a few MVP nods over Matt Ryan. Shocking news, really.
I’ll just assume he knows because it’s his F*CKING JOB but I’ll just point out these little stats…
ATL’s W/L when Ryan attempted 30+ passes = 1-6
Ryan’s TD:Turnovers in those games = 6:9
Turner’s rush ypg in the other games (i.e. games ATL won) = 134.7
ATL’s rushing offense = 2nd in the NFL = 152.7 ypg
PK’s cluelessness regarding the basic tenets of professional football = A lot
January 5th, 2009 at 6:08 pm
College OT would have tackled Darren Sproles!!!
January 5th, 2009 at 6:12 pm
Steelers 11, Chargers 10. Yes, there were some real fireworks…
Y’know, some of us like watching stuff like James Harrison squashing Marmalard like a grape.
That 11-10 game was highly entertaining.
January 5th, 2009 at 6:31 pm
I think I think that I think this is the best (worst?) Peter King has ever been…i think.
January 5th, 2009 at 8:19 pm
calling a hold on a defensive lineman is about as rare a call as there is in football, and anyone who thinks that was a hold on jennings probably thinks that badminton is too physical a sport.
No, it just means that they saw him basically tackle the Chargers lineman.
January 5th, 2009 at 9:25 pm
@John C
Have to agree there….which would make this post one of the best Peter King rants there has ever been
calling Atlanta-Arizona the snoozefest was what really took the cake. did he watch the same fucking pop warner fest that was Miami get crushed by the Ravens? I would have rather seen the Pats (who I hate) or the Deerstand gunslinger (who I hate) take a crack at them, which would have at least made it a semi-game
January 6th, 2009 at 1:14 am
If I looked like Peter King, I sure as fuck wouldn’t smile.
Fucking Blob.
January 6th, 2009 at 2:00 am
“You done fucked with the Kaaang!”
i will be saying this every chance i get at least thru next Sunday
January 6th, 2009 at 11:14 am
When it was first posted in his special teams player of the week, after giving Mike Scifres his well deserved pat on the back earlier in the column, he went and named Steve Scifres as his player of the week. The helpful SI.com internal link told me this was a 90’s Cowboy tackle. Not the first time he’s done that either; it’s like he hears everyone say a name he’s never heard of before (basically anyone that isn’t a quarterback, running back or a Pats player), decides people need to be “educated”, and then fucks it up.
Keep going Peter King!
January 6th, 2009 at 11:35 am
Hey where did the pocket pool reference go ? Someone actually edited that out since yesterday ? Going from ‘with the NFL MVP standing on the sidelines, playing pocket pool’ to ‘never able to touch the ball’ with the season on the line…
January 6th, 2009 at 11:36 am
“I’m an Eastwoodaholic.”
Woodaholic for short.
January 6th, 2009 at 1:41 pm
And, not to make this political, but our President-elect did the whole “uh…look, ” during all of the debates. Maybe it’s the new, “See, what I’m sayin’, is” for the next decade…
January 6th, 2009 at 2:34 pm
KSK, please never stop doing this, love it. But I do have one request. I looked through your archives to see if you had touched on the greatest Peter King MMQ of all time. If you have some time, please take a look and give us your thoughts. The shower scene with Brady is nothing short of soft core gay porn
http://sportsillustrated.cnn.com/2007/writers/peter_king/12/30/week17/index.html
January 6th, 2009 at 4:29 pm
Is eastwoodahol a brand of wood alchohol? Because that would explain some things.