Peter King’s 10 Yards Of Awkwardness With Bruce Springsteen
I went through Peter King’s MMQB column this morning. I don’t think it will surprise you to learn that his column, as usual, contained the mandatory dose of Favre-slobbing (Bretty hates offseason programs!), poor use of bullet point formatting, bitching about complimentary items, high praise for a “Curb Your Enthusiasm” season that ended in 2007, and sentences such as this one:
I have two words for you, Continental: Sleeper cells.
But I’d like to focus on one particular passage from Peter King: Airport Watchdog this week. This one:
I really want to meet Bruce Springsteen this week. Is that too much to ask?… Come to think of it, if I met him, what would I say? “I love your music?” “The Wrestler is going to be an ESPN instant classic?”… I’d probably just say the same thing to him that I often say to Bailey the golden retriever: “You’re so good.” Or maybe: “I’m proud to share the same state.” Something ridiculously gee-whiz.
Fear not, Peter. I know exactly what you would say to Bruce Springsteen if you were to meet him this week, though I found your prediction of talking to him as if he were YOUR FUCKING DOG more or less accurate. Join me as we take a glimpse into Peter’s Elite Flyer future for a sneak peek at this legendary meeting.
King: Oh my God! Bruce Springsteen! I’m Peter King.
The Boss: Hello there, Peter.
King: I’m sorry… I’m speechless. I haven’t been this nervous since I ran into Robert Wuhl.
The Boss: Oh.
King: You know… Arli$$? He’s a big name actor.
The Boss: Yes. Of course.
King: Are you staying at the Marriott this week? Because I have to warn you, their shampoo is far too perfumey for brawny men such as you and me. Best to bring your own. I like the Herbal Essences brand. You know they have ads that show women simulating orgasms in the shower?
The Boss: Oh.
King: What a country, right?
The Boss: Yes, it’s a great one.
King: I really loved your song from “The Wrestler”.
The Boss: Oh, thank you.
King: Of course, I wanted to see it at the Nutley Mall last month, but Hollywood keeps on insisting on EXTORTING MY FAMILY by delaying the suburban release.
The Boss: I’m not sure you’re using that word “extorting” correctly.
King: Yes, I did. It was my Peter King Word of the Week (PKWOTW) the other week. This week, I’m thinking of using “serendipitous”. It means to be covered entirely in plastic wrap. Did you know that?
The Boss: I don’t actually think…
King: Let me ask you a question: How do you know if your tour bus is stopped?
The Boss: Umm… (frantically begins searching for a way out)
King: Because if I were in a bus, I’d probably have to look out the window first, to make sure the land isn’t scrolling by, to make sure we were no longer moving. Though I don’t care for buses. Not enough leg room. I like the Acela Express. Amtrak, GREAT JOB WITH YOUR TRAINS. They define clutch.
The Boss: Listen, I have to…
King: Have you ever done a show in Nashville?
The Boss: Yes.
King: They have a bee farm there that will positively astound you. I can show you all the pictures we took. Did you know there were also slaves in the South at one point in time?
The Boss: Well, yes. That’s a well-known part of American history.
King: What a country.
The Boss: What?
King: Do you have a driver? Or do you drive yourself? Because I have a Bluetooth earpiece that makes the time go by (snaps fat fingers) like THAT. I was on the Garden State and I talked to over 50 different people after getting into two separate accidents. I spoke with Ted Cottrell, the Chargers’ defensive coordinator, and he said, ‘Look, I’m happy for Raheem Morris. I just wish there had been more opportunities for minority coaches when I was a younger assistant.’”
The Boss: I don’t know who those people are.
King: THEN I HAD A FOUR HOUR SEMI-ARGUMENT WITH MATT MILLEN? You know what it was about?
The Boss: No.
King: C’mon. Guess. You’ll love it.
The Boss: Football?
King: No. TOPICAL OINTMENTS! He thought they all were made near the Equator. And I don’t think I agree with him. Do you ever work the land? You just strike me as the kind of working class guy who would just up and disappear into a deer stand one day.
The Boss: I don’t really hunt.
King: Is there room for Wes Welker in your band? I mean, this guy is SO TOUGH. He’s just such a football player. I feel like he could contribute to the E Street band in some way. It’s a crime he isn’t more involved.
The Boss: I don’t know who that is.
King: Have you ever seen Frank Caliendo do an impression of you? It’s even better than seeing the real you in concert.
The Boss: Um… thank you?
King: OHHHH! WOULD YOU LOOK AT THAT?
The Boss: What’s wrong?
King: This Kit Kat! They gave it to me on the flight and it’s all melted! I was gonna offer you a piece too! CONTINENTAL AIRLINES DOES NOT KNOW HOW TO TREAT ITS MOST VALUED CUSTOMERS. Don’t you worry, Bruce. I’ll get us another Kit Kat.
The Boss: That’s not really necessary.
King: It’s okay. The AP sent us all instructions on how to purchase new ones. Say, do you watch Family Guy? HYSTERICAL.
The Boss: I don’t.
King: Well, it’s great. It has this talking dog. And then it has this talking baby, who’s evil! TELL ME THAT ISN’T THE FUNNIEST THING YOU’VE EVER SEEN.
The Boss: Okay.
King: Here’s a question I’ve always wanted to ask you: You have sold over 120 million albums worldwide.
The Boss: That’s not a question.
King: Over 65 million in the USA alone.
The Boss: I already know that information.
King: Jay Glazer is reporting that you’re going to play “Born To Run”. But I’m speculating you’ll play “The Fuse”. Who’s right? I feel like I gotta go with my hunch.
The Boss: No, Jay was right.
King: Here’s an amazing story for you. Don Banks once went to one of your shows. And he got a tour t-shirt for $25. Said it was a great show.
The Boss: That’s not really all that amazing.
King: Well, I just wanted to say how glad I am to meet you. And I cannot wait for Sunday’s halftime show. It’s gonna be a real Texas Death Match. You’ll be amazed how many kids in the audience are wearing Ugg Boots.
The Boss: Great. I have to go.
King: DON’T DRINK THE COFFEE BACKSTAGE! IT’S JUST COFFEE FLAVORED WATER! CAN YOU LEAVE A VOICEMAIL ON MY PHONE SO I CAN SAVE IT?! YOUR BAND IS A DYNASTIC WOMB! HAVE YOU SEEN “BOBBY” YET? YOU REMIND ME OF MY DOG! BRUCE? BRUUUUUUUUCE!
Tags: 10 yards of awkwardness, Big Daddy Drew, FJM style, fun with peter king
January 26th, 2009 at 1:51 pm
I refer to my comment in the earlier thread, and I’m glad you chose the opening line that you did. That might be the single dumbest fucking thing I’ve ever read, regardless of author.
January 26th, 2009 at 1:51 pm
/ slow clap… outstanding.
January 26th, 2009 at 1:52 pm
Two words for you, Peter… butt plug
January 26th, 2009 at 1:52 pm
Two words for Bruce: Restraining Order
January 26th, 2009 at 1:52 pm
Better than a point-by-point shredding of the column?
Better than a point-by-point shredding of the column.
January 26th, 2009 at 1:54 pm
THAT WAS OUTSTANDING.
And yes I meant to scream that.
January 26th, 2009 at 1:54 pm
Does Bruce take the same Metro bus as Beacker?
January 26th, 2009 at 1:55 pm
It really is getting ridiculous. How one supposedly heterosexual male can have so many man-crushes just defies all logic. Favre, Romo, Springsteen, Caliendo, [Any] Manning, and I’m sure I’m forgetting others. Oh and a cartoon dog. You are gay, Peter King. Just admit it, you are so gay.
January 26th, 2009 at 1:56 pm
I’m amazed that Peter didn’t regale Bruce with mention of HEY BOSS, DID YOU KNOW THAT CONTINENTAL AIRLINES NO LONGER ALLOWS YOU TO MAIL LETTERS FROM TERMINAL C OF NEWARK LIBERTY INTERNATIONAL AIRPORT?! WHAT THE COCK IS UP WITH THAT SHIT, BRUCE? WHO DO THEY THINK THEY ARE, THE NOT-POST OFFICE OR SOMETHING?
January 26th, 2009 at 1:57 pm
What would it sound like if Peter King ever met Chad Johnson? I think there would be a stupidity shock wave felt for miles around.
January 26th, 2009 at 1:59 pm
Best one yet
January 26th, 2009 at 1:59 pm
I felt like The Boss reading this article. It was, awkward, and I couldn’t wait for it to end, but I really didn’t want to offend anybody by stopping midway through.
So um… good job and shit.
January 26th, 2009 at 1:59 pm
PK is the seems like the kind of guy who thinks Born in the USA is a really, really patriotic song…
January 26th, 2009 at 2:00 pm
No mention of Starbuck’s?
January 26th, 2009 at 2:00 pm
I have two words for you, Continental: Sleeper cells.
Al-Qaeda nods knowingly.
January 26th, 2009 at 2:04 pm
It’s amazing how clear PK’s voice is with his head shoved up his own ass.
Are you guys trying to whore Bruce’s new album which comes out tomorrow?
/Bruuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuucccccceeeeeeeeee!!!!!
January 26th, 2009 at 2:06 pm
I’m surprised Peter doesn’t know that Welkah plays the STEEL guitar.
January 26th, 2009 at 2:09 pm
I have two words for you, Continental: Sleeper cells.
i thought he was talking about the show that was canceled 2 years ago
January 26th, 2009 at 2:09 pm
Peter King defines “Douche.”
January 26th, 2009 at 2:12 pm
I should like listening to “Born to Run” but I shouldn’t have to masturbate at the end of the album.
January 26th, 2009 at 2:13 pm
+1 Ted, for reminding us that Saturday Night Live used to be funny.
January 26th, 2009 at 2:14 pm
I have two words for you, Continental: Sleeper cells.
Al-Qaeda thanks you for your submission. At this time, there are no open positions, but we value your input.
January 26th, 2009 at 2:16 pm
I thought King’s “sleeper cells” comment was a request for private rooms on the plane with beds.
January 26th, 2009 at 2:25 pm
I have two words for you, Continental: Sleeper cells.
God help Kiefer Sutherland if he ever runs into Peter King.
January 26th, 2009 at 2:30 pm
God help Kiefer Sutherland if he ever runs into Peter King.
Kiefer Sutherland is like five foot two. Peter King would just put him in a bun and eat him.
January 26th, 2009 at 2:40 pm
I wonder if Bruce, as a youngster, worked the land at all for ice cream money.
January 26th, 2009 at 2:42 pm
King: Here’s a question I’ve always wanted to ask you: You have sold over 120 million albums worldwide.
The Boss: That’s not a question.
This is the point where I about lost it.
January 26th, 2009 at 2:43 pm
“Hey Bruce, that Courtney Cox is a real up-and-comer, don’t you think?”
January 26th, 2009 at 2:45 pm
That seriously gave me a headache.
January 26th, 2009 at 2:49 pm
I have a question for you Bruce: the ‘Nebraska’ album, kind of dark.
January 26th, 2009 at 2:50 pm
/frantically forwards link to Peter King
January 26th, 2009 at 2:50 pm
“A quick behind-the-scenes question for you, Bruce: what is Judith Light like in real life?”
January 26th, 2009 at 2:58 pm
Anyone hear Peter King on NFL radio this morning, talking about cornering Brett Farve after the superbowl in a stairwell for 45 minutes ….I’m sure that conversation went much the same way.
January 26th, 2009 at 3:11 pm
Dr. Z had a couple of strokes and has trouble reading. Let’s bombard him with emails and cards. It’s the same as going to the Suepr Bowl!
January 26th, 2009 at 3:17 pm
I’m waiting for the day that Peter King writes a bout KSK in his MMQB.
January 26th, 2009 at 3:37 pm
talking about cornering Brett Farve after the superbowl in a stairwell for 45 minutes
Give Brett a break. It takes longer to cum once you get older.
January 26th, 2009 at 3:49 pm
This was definitely the best one yet. The “Amtrak, GREAT JOB WITH YOUR TRAINS” line was incredible.
January 26th, 2009 at 4:27 pm
Lord, I just love these.
I pictured this encounter taking place at a urinal.
January 26th, 2009 at 4:30 pm
“Quick question for you, Boss. Stevie van Zant was great as Silvio in ‘The Sopranos’! That show is about guys from New Jersey! WE’RE from New Jersey! It’s a great show, but the DVDs don’t come with free coffee, though.”
January 26th, 2009 at 4:46 pm
Still love the point-by-point shreddings of his regular nonsense, so keep those coming. But this was excellent, too.
January 26th, 2009 at 4:51 pm
To be fair, the fact that I live within 20 miles of no less than 5 movie theaters with something like 50+ screens between them, all playing Paul Blart: Mall Cop, but still have to drive an hour out of my way to bumfuck hippieville to go see The Wrestler is a fucking travesty. But hey, at least I bought a cool bubbler while I was in Berkeley.
January 26th, 2009 at 5:44 pm
At this time, there are no open positions, but we value your input.
Whaddya mean? They’ve got entry level positions in a division with explosive growth potential opening up every day. If you blink, you might miss it though.
January 26th, 2009 at 5:58 pm
PK: “Hey Bruce, I just saw ‘Heat.’ De Niro and Pacino in the same flick? They DEFINE legendary. Have you seen it yet?”
Boss: “About 13 years ago.”
PK: “But I wanna talk about it NOW!!!!”
January 26th, 2009 at 6:08 pm
So I was on a very important phone call (read: people bitching at me) when I looked at the TV and low and behold good ol’ PK was on PTI. I quickly changed the channel and curled up in the fetal position.
January 26th, 2009 at 6:45 pm
Wow. Just wow. BDballs, many kudos bars to you.
I just hope this actually happens, and the Boss gets the hell out of Tampa in time for Prince to come in and do the halftime show.
January 26th, 2009 at 8:28 pm
Excellent post. It defines the word “clutch”.
January 26th, 2009 at 8:39 pm
Damn, that’s so meta I can TASTE IT!
January 27th, 2009 at 3:34 am
He says the Larry David steals the flowers from his “best friend” on Curb Your Enthusiasm. Super Dave isn’t his friend at all PK! Larry David has maybe one friend and its Jeff Green, that fat fuck
January 27th, 2009 at 7:52 am
j4b -
I stand corrected. Let’s call those “temp” positions. Not a lot of room for growth.
January 27th, 2009 at 1:02 pm
“King: Jay Glazer is reporting that you’re going to play “Born To Run”. But I’m speculating you’ll play “The Fuse”. Who’s right? I feel like I gotta go with my hunch.
The Boss: No, Jay was right.”
This has to be my favorite. I get no end of amusement from the fact that Glazer-Beam reports circles around his peers and still manages to spend more time doing dumb things in casinos than Fredo Corleone.
January 27th, 2009 at 3:19 pm
That’s an awfully long conversation to have while in the bathroom at Jerome Bettis’s restaurant…
(and yes PK would steal a glance at Bruce’s urinal)
July 17th, 2009 at 12:15 pm
So, do they give away licenses to journalists? If so, how do we revoke King’s license?
This is all good stuff; I remember reading a few years back how King mocked at Brian Cashman because Cashman thought his was the most difficult job in all of sports! Talk of mocking people for their opinions!
BTW, how would it be if King ran into George Steinbrenner?