Rod Tidwell at the Super Bowl. Or at least Cuba Gooding, Jr. Because apparently Chill Factor II or Snow Dogs VI aren’t in production at the moment. What actors will they get to play the 12 Cardinals fans in attendance? Where is Cushman in all this? Waiting to be in attendance when Tebow’s draft day rolls around?

Am tlying make smirre even though knee is have splain and good flend Misser Birry Goat is have regar plobrem. I get you best leplesentation money can buy, Misser Birry Goat. Hines nevel folget a flend.

Lehab on knee go okay but is so difficurt. I tly lickshawlickshawlickshawlickshawlickshawlickshaw but it onree go so fal. Supprement with baby mouse wine lemedy foll make celtain knee is good. The taste, it is bad, but effect is supelfantastic potent.

Chinese all some asswhores, but they make effective lemedy.

I am is going to pray. Chance foll pray is 100 pelcent. But need be top shape for be Supel Bowr MVP one second time. Must pray. Can no watch on TV because wirr see lacist commelciar rike rast yeal.

It stirr make me Ang Lee! No way they win Oscar over Warr*E. Lobot is cute and not offensive to othel lobot!

Moll impoltant it is to pray because they put giant Hines on side of stadium. He smirre is foll arr to see!

[Thanks to Kyle in Tampa for the picture from the grassy knoll]

I went through Peter King’s MMQB column this morning. I don’t think it will surprise you to learn that his column, as usual, contained the mandatory dose of Favre-slobbing (Bretty hates offseason programs!), poor use of bullet point formatting, bitching about complimentary items, high praise for a “Curb Your Enthusiasm” season that ended in 2007, and sentences such as this one:

I have two words for you, Continental: Sleeper cells.

But I’d like to focus on one particular passage from Peter King: Airport Watchdog this week. This one:

I really want to meet Bruce Springsteen this week. Is that too much to ask?… Come to think of it, if I met him, what would I say? “I love your music?” “The Wrestler is going to be an ESPN instant classic?”… I’d probably just say the same thing to him that I often say to Bailey the golden retriever: “You’re so good.” Or maybe: “I’m proud to share the same state.” Something ridiculously gee-whiz.

Fear not, Peter. I know exactly what you would say to Bruce Springsteen if you were to meet him this week, though I found your prediction of talking to him as if he were YOUR FUCKING DOG more or less accurate. Join me as we take a glimpse into Peter’s Elite Flyer future for a sneak peek at this legendary meeting.

King: Oh my God! Bruce Springsteen! I’m Peter King.

The Boss: Hello there, Peter.

King: I’m sorry… I’m speechless. I haven’t been this nervous since I ran into Robert Wuhl.

The Boss: Oh.

King: You know… Arli$$? He’s a big name actor.

The Boss: Yes. Of course.

King: Are you staying at the Marriott this week? Because I have to warn you, their shampoo is far too perfumey for brawny men such as you and me. Best to bring your own. I like the Herbal Essences brand. You know they have ads that show women simulating orgasms in the shower?

The Boss: Oh.

King: What a country, right?

The Boss: Yes, it’s a great one.

King: I really loved your song from “The Wrestler”.

The Boss: Oh, thank you.

King: Of course, I wanted to see it at the Nutley Mall last month, but Hollywood keeps on insisting on EXTORTING MY FAMILY by delaying the suburban release.

The Boss: I’m not sure you’re using that word “extorting” correctly.

King: Yes, I did. It was my Peter King Word of the Week (PKWOTW) the other week. This week, I’m thinking of using “serendipitous”. It means to be covered entirely in plastic wrap. Did you know that?

The Boss: I don’t actually think…

King: Let me ask you a question: How do you know if your tour bus is stopped?

The Boss: Umm… (frantically begins searching for a way out)

King: Because if I were in a bus, I’d probably have to look out the window first, to make sure the land isn’t scrolling by, to make sure we were no longer moving. Though I don’t care for buses. Not enough leg room. I like the Acela Express. Amtrak, GREAT JOB WITH YOUR TRAINS. They define clutch.

The Boss: Listen, I have to…

King: Have you ever done a show in Nashville?

The Boss: Yes.

King: They have a bee farm there that will positively astound you. I can show you all the pictures we took. Did you know there were also slaves in the South at one point in time?

The Boss: Well, yes. That’s a well-known part of American history.

King: What a country.

The Boss: What?

King: Do you have a driver? Or do you drive yourself? Because I have a Bluetooth earpiece that makes the time go by (snaps fat fingers) like THAT. I was on the Garden State and I talked to over 50 different people after getting into two separate accidents. I spoke with Ted Cottrell, the Chargers’ defensive coordinator, and he said, ‘Look, I’m happy for Raheem Morris. I just wish there had been more opportunities for minority coaches when I was a younger assistant.’”

The Boss: I don’t know who those people are.

King: THEN I HAD A FOUR HOUR SEMI-ARGUMENT WITH MATT MILLEN? You know what it was about?

The Boss: No.

King: C’mon. Guess. You’ll love it.

The Boss: Football?

King: No. TOPICAL OINTMENTS! He thought they all were made near the Equator. And I don’t think I agree with him. Do you ever work the land? You just strike me as the kind of working class guy who would just up and disappear into a deer stand one day.

The Boss: I don’t really hunt.

King: Is there room for Wes Welker in your band? I mean, this guy is SO TOUGH. He’s just such a football player. I feel like he could contribute to the E Street band in some way. It’s a crime he isn’t more involved.

The Boss: I don’t know who that is.

King: Have you ever seen Frank Caliendo do an impression of you? It’s even better than seeing the real you in concert.

The Boss: Um… thank you?

King: OHHHH! WOULD YOU LOOK AT THAT?

The Boss: What’s wrong?

King: This Kit Kat! They gave it to me on the flight and it’s all melted! I was gonna offer you a piece too! CONTINENTAL AIRLINES DOES NOT KNOW HOW TO TREAT ITS MOST VALUED CUSTOMERS. Don’t you worry, Bruce. I’ll get us another Kit Kat.

The Boss: That’s not really necessary.

King: It’s okay. The AP sent us all instructions on how to purchase new ones. Say, do you watch Family Guy? HYSTERICAL.

The Boss: I don’t.

King: Well, it’s great. It has this talking dog. And then it has this talking baby, who’s evil! TELL ME THAT ISN’T THE FUNNIEST THING YOU’VE EVER SEEN.

The Boss: Okay.

King: Here’s a question I’ve always wanted to ask you: You have sold over 120 million albums worldwide.

The Boss: That’s not a question.

King: Over 65 million in the USA alone.

The Boss: I already know that information.

King: Jay Glazer is reporting that you’re going to play “Born To Run”. But I’m speculating you’ll play “The Fuse”. Who’s right? I feel like I gotta go with my hunch.

The Boss: No, Jay was right.

King: Here’s an amazing story for you. Don Banks once went to one of your shows. And he got a tour t-shirt for $25. Said it was a great show.

The Boss: That’s not really all that amazing.

King: Well, I just wanted to say how glad I am to meet you. And I cannot wait for Sunday’s halftime show. It’s gonna be a real Texas Death Match. You’ll be amazed how many kids in the audience are wearing Ugg Boots.

The Boss: Great. I have to go.

King: DON’T DRINK THE COFFEE BACKSTAGE! IT’S JUST COFFEE FLAVORED WATER! CAN YOU LEAVE A VOICEMAIL ON MY PHONE SO I CAN SAVE IT?! YOUR BAND IS A DYNASTIC WOMB! HAVE YOU SEEN “BOBBY” YET? YOU REMIND ME OF MY DOG! BRUCE? BRUUUUUUUUCE!

The celebrity Super Bowl pick is a time-honored tradition, one we at KSK are super fucking excited to be a part of, as we have in the past. For the next two weeks, stars from the world of entertainment, politics, and more will drop by to make their picks for the big game in Tampa! Up next, it’s renown pyromaniac Muppet…Beaker!

Meee-mee meee-mee.
Me. Me. Me-me-me.
Meee-mee meee-mee.
Me. Me. Me-me-me.
Meee-mee meee-mee.
Me. Me. Me-me-me.
Meee-mee meee-mee.
Me. Me. Me-me-me.

Thanks, Beaker, you cocksucking frontrunner. More celebrity picks to come!

UPDATE Blubbering (and blubbery) Giants fan Rob emerged to speak on his own behalf in the comments of Saturday’s post. Here are some of the highlights:

Think of something more to say then just fat jokes. I realize I’m fat, in that I am the one putting the fattening foods, into my fat mouth…By all means, say what makes you people feel good, but it doesn’t have an impact on me in the slightest. This is making me a celebrity..so by all means continue….I weigh 250 pounds, maybe a few pounds more. I know what I am. I LOVE Big Mac’s and I will continue to devour them as I see fit. I was just simply referencing to the fact that I don’t need to be told that I am fat, because, well, I realize the sentiments and quite frankly, that’s me and that’s fine. I’m a fat fuck and whatever the case may be, but that doesn’t stop me from hanging out with my large group of friends, some of whom were even referred to as “banging”… Holding an overflowing cauldron of love, Rob.

Sounds like Rob talks a good game when he’s not completely shitfaced. If only he could bottle that poise and circumspect philosophy and save it for next season when the Giants crap the bed again. At least Rob is taking the abuse like a man this time around. And certain readers owe him a debt of gratitude for introducing to these parts #47– who seems to have rapidly become KSKommenter’s new favorite jailbait.

Hey Flounder, next time you get shnockered and make an ass out of yourself, make sure she’s close by.

The celebrity Super Bowl pick is a time-honored tradition, one we at KSK are super fucking excited to be a part of, as we have in the past. For the next two weeks, stars from the world of entertainment, politics, and more will drop by to make their picks for the big game in Tampa! Up next, it’s the ghost of late actor Ricardo Montalban.

Ah. Yes. Hello, my friends. It is I, the apparition of Ricardo Montalban, made famous by my role on THE FANTASY ISLAND.

I am here to tell you that in the afterlife, there is nothing for you to fear. All of the feelings become sensuous ones. You recall old lovers without bitterness. And all the chairs are furnished with rich Corinthian leather. Truly it is a paradise to behold.

Just the other day, I sat poolside on a chaise lounge, received a blowjob from a woman of exotic extraction while enjoying the warm invitation of a Maxwell House coffee. It was then that I thought to myself why I would fear this at all during my life.

Warm assurances aside, my presence is brought of another purpose. You wish for me to tell you my thoughts on the upcoming, ah, Super Bowl. I do miss the Super Bowl. The boundless energy. The sense of importance. Loose woman at their loosest and drugs at their most potent. What a time to be alive.

When we filmed THE FANTASY ISLAND back in the late 1970s, we were a cultural phenomenon and attracted celebrities across the firmament of the stars. This included the sports world. Surely, members of the Steel Curtain numbered among them. They were brutish fellows, but gentlemen at heart. And L.C. Greenwood introduced me to the exotic dancer who would later become a prized mistress. For that, I am indebted to him always.

For that reason, I am picking the Pittsburgh Steelers. May you bask in the glories of a life richly lived. Before long, I will join you in the lush embrace of our Lord’s everlasting love. Now forgive as I return poolside to my limber friend.

Old people at a Dallas area nursing home were recently treated to a meet and greet with members of the world famous Dallas Cowboys cheerleading squad, ostensibly for the purpose of mocking their useless withered genitalia.

Continue after the jump for more images from the depressingly arousing gallery.
Read the rest of this entry »

Say, that gives me an idea.

/grabs cat
//plugs in razor
///gets clawed to death by cat

Cleatus disapproves

Oh, he’s been getting a lot of scoops all right… of Haagen-Dazs.  Zing!

(original photo from Busted Coverage)

Rob is a Giants fan. Rob is distraught because the Giants couldn’t close the deal at home in the playoffs. This is truly one of the sorriest displays I have ever seen. Even his friends make no attempt to hide their contempt for this blubbering fat fuck. I’m normally a pretty laid back guy, but I hate this guy. I am pissed that I have to pause from the business of pissing off Steelers fans to address this sorry situation.

Unless I see a shit-ton of Giants fans completely disavowing this loser in the comments, I will have no choice but to assume he is representative of you all.

[ thanks to reader Nick S. for the tip ]