KSK: Say, Reader, do you like football?
Reader: Do I ever!
KSK: Do you like sex?
Reader: Yes, Mr. Blogger.
KSK: Well, why don’t you come over and talk about the game and then we’ll talk about sex.
Reader: KSK, I think you and I are going to get along just–
(They both trip in KSK’s driveway)
Reader and KSK: D’oh!

Email us your questions (and sexy comments) at kissingsuzykolber-at-gmail-dot-com

Well, golly gee gingersnaps fellas, it sure is a big honor to be asked to give you my prediction of what’s gonna happen in the big game. Hooo weee, Super Bowl Sunday, it really is somethin’, ain’t it?

I wish it wouldn’t start so darn late though. Last year I only got to stay up until halftime before my parents made me go nighters. Boy, I sure was steamed. The guys at school said it had a good ending and everything. Speaking of my parents, you’re not planning on using my pick for gambling, are you? Cause if my parents find out I’m wrapped up with the sharks, they’ll ground me for sure.

The game? I do like an underdog and those Cardinals are as underdog as you can get. They have had it rough over the years. Been kicked around by just about everybody. I know that’s no fun. If their fans love their team like I love my Denver Broncos, that’s gotta be one big jackboot to the chompers on a daily basis.

So I’m thinking Arizona is gonna come out on top, because that’ll make Jesus happy and the Cardinals fans will have a reason to hold their heads high. It sure will be swell.

If I had to guess a score, I’d…Hold on, I think I hear my mom calling me.

[Runs around corner]

MWA HA HA HA

It is I, P-Professor Chaos. I care not for weak, timid little underdogs. I want to see them ground into the ashes of failure. I foresee Kurt Warner fumbling the opening snap, Larry Fitzgerald twisting his ankle and his sportswriting dad having to chronicle the whole thing.

Those big bad Steelers will crush your pitiful dreams of respectability. And chaos reigns across the land. An age of discord and all sorts of other badness. I will laugh heartily to behold it.

MWA HA HA HA

WBUL, the official radio station of the South Florida Bulls managed to land an exclusive interview with Mark Schlereth, or at least a guy who does a pretty good impression of the ESPN analyst. That’s quality inflection.

Jeff Reed getting drunk at a Tampa bar in a wacky “Chillin’ with my Peeps” shirt. All is right with the world. Something tells me this music plays on loop anywhere Jeff goes.

And I do believe that’s back-up tight end Matt Spaeth in this photo with ladies and a tall ginger guy I don’t recognize [Edit: It seems it's TE/FB Sean McHugh. Injured longsnapper Greg Warren appears in the Carolina shirt after the jump]. The kicker and the second-string tight end hitting up the nightlife? CLEARLY THIS IS A TEAM SWEPT UP IN THE HOOPLA!

After the jump, more of the leering drunk kicker. Neil Rackers would never be so ill-behaved! Read the rest of this entry »

The celebrity Super Bowl pick is a time-honored tradition, one we at KSK are super fucking excited to be a part of, as we have in the past. For the next two weeks, stars from the world of entertainment, politics, and more will drop by to make their picks for the big game in Tampa! Up next, continuing our butch theme for the day, is Rosie O’Donell.

Ext. TPC Four Seasons Las Colinas

Tony: Gimme my ass, you’re putting that shit, JT!

[cellphone rings]

Tony: Fuck.

Justin: What’s up, man? We playing golf or taking phone calls?

Tony: It’s Jess

[cellphone rings]

Justin: …and then I jizzed in my pants.

Tony: Not cool, JT, not cool.

Justin: Whatever, you know you laughed.

[cellphone rings]

Tony: You got Romo!

Jess: [chews]

Tony: Hello?

Jess: [burps]

Tony: Jess?!

Jess: [chews while burping]

Tony: JESSICA!

Jess: [attempts to speak through mouth full of hush puppies] Pomy?

Tony: Jess?

Jess: [swallows] Hey, Tony!

Tony: Hey baby, are you uh…eating again?

Jess: Oh yeah. I’m performing at the Chili Cook-off in Florida! There’s so much food!

Tony: Well just go easy, baby, you know, everything in moderation and all that.

Jess: [ladles chili down throat] Moder-what-on?

Tony: Just remember what your agent said, you need to keep your physique for the sake of your acting career.

Jess: Well duh, that’s what I’m doing!

Tony: How’s that?

Jess: Well my agent told me about these two new biopic movies, and I’m s’posed to pick one to audition for.

Tony: Oh really? Who are the subjects?

Jess: Dolly Parton and Anna Nicole Smith.

Tony: Oh God.

Jess: [drinks room-temperature sour cream]

Tony: Which one did you pick, Jess?

Jess: [gargling] My girl Anna!

Tony: Oh dear God. Jess, are you sure about that?

Jess: Of course!

Tony: But I think you’d make a great Dolly Parton. She’s so nice and skinny like you used to be. And we just joined this new gym so you could get back in shape without poor people talking to you.

Jess: [swallows Merciless Pepper of Quetzlzacatenango] Uh-oh. I don’t feel so good.

Tony: Jess?

Jess: Bye bye Tony, Johnny Cash’s doggy is taking me to find my soulmate.

[hangs up]

Tony: But I’m your soulmate!

Justin: Dude, you’re gay.

Tony: Tee it up, douchebag.

Someone dipped into the deux-deux-deuxs pretty heavily this morning. It’s like his hair was going to stay in place and then WOP!

Maj said Boomer has obviously been drinking his TrimSpa brand fortified wine. I say he is only the latest victim of the array of diseases Leinart is spreading around Tampa.

UPDATE: “Why you intelview the knee? It go tark funny!”

The celebrity Super Bowl pick is a time-honored tradition, one we at KSK are super fucking excited to be a part of, as we have in the past. For the next two weeks, stars from the world of entertainment, politics, and more will drop by to make their picks for the big game in Tampa! Up next, it’s spritely lesbian TV host Rachel Maddow!

As we approach the bloated, uber-commercialized spectacle of Super Bowl Sunday, we’re constantly reminded how the culture of consumption charges apace despite harrowing economic news. Companies, reeling from layoffs and dire financial forecasts, are still doling out $3 million to air 30-second ads? Who’s running them? Henry Paulson?

[Arches eyebrow and smirks]

I don’t own a TV, so I don’t watch big league sports. To me, nothing beats a good jai alai match in the park on the weekends with a group of immigrants from embattled countries. I feel this enables me to see sports as what they are from outside the media riptide. Having never watched an NFL game, I’m not swayed by the hype, or knowing what happens during games. And man, does it help to approach things from a detached and falsely high-minded perspective.

What I do know is that this Super Bowl has more than its share of “holy mackerel” stories. I don’t speak of the tired “coach versus his old team” storylines, though there are certainly plenty of those. On one hand, we have the Cardinals superstar receiver, who’s stoppable it seems only when the mother of his child puts a restraining order on him. Then there’s a destructive linebacker, a defensive player of the year, who can’t separate the violence of the gridiron from his own home. Whichever of you guys goes to Disney World needs to take a swing by Anger Management Land.

[Sighs impatiently]

So I don’t know. If forced, I’ll go with the Steelers, being that they’re close with Obama and all. There. I’m holding my nose and vote yay on them.

Next up, I’ll devote four minutes of my show to an underreported foreign story so I look down on everyone else in the media. Back after some non-$3 million commercials.

“I like Ryan Clark, but his hits could be dirtier.” NBC announces the addition of YET A-FUCKING-NOTHER analyst for the Super Bowl: Rodney Harrison.

You know, the first step is admitting you have a problem.  Then a little while down the line you apologize to all the people you hurt. [Awful Announcing]

Above is the image Punté used yesterday for Beaker’s Super Bowl prediction.  Of course, blog commenters being what they are — that is, people who tend to ignore the forest to look at the trees (and leaves, and individual pieces of bark, and chloroplasts) — they instantly ignored the obvious bandwagon imagery and instead asked why Beaker was riding a D.C. Metro bus.

Anyway, from Maj’s annoying homerism for our nation’s capital (and Punte’s annoyance with it) was born a new meme: Beaker in D.C.

Read the rest of this entry »