Mike: My name is Mike Rowe, and this is my job.
I tour the country looking for people who aren’t afraid to get dirty. Hard-working men and women who earn an honest living doing the kinds of jobs that make civilized life possible for the rest of us.
Now get ready…. to get dirty.
I’m outside the Mons Venus gentleman’s club here in Tampa, Florida. There are over 44 strip clubs in the greater Tampa area, and Mons is one of the busiest. And now, with the Super Bowl in town this week, club owners expect to have over six times their normal number of guests. Mons is one of the few strip clubs that allows outdoor tailgating. And as you can guess, things get a little dirty.
This is Lowell Garrison. Lowell works the morning cleanup shift at Mons. Lowell, what is your official title?
Lowell: Well, I don’t really have one. ‘Round here, what I do is usually referred to as cum shovelin’.
Mike: So, you’re a cum shoveler.
Lowell: Yes, sir. We clean up nearly 50,000 pounds of ejaculate on the premises each week.
Mike: That’s a lot of cum.
Lowell: Yes, sir. It certainly is.
Mike: Lowell, what’s the strangest thing you’ve ever had to clean up here at the Mons?
Lowell: Oh, we get all kinds of weird stuff. Cum, corncobs fashioned into dildos, very small fetuses, more cum… One time, I had to clean up a slaughtered ox.
Mike: Are there any fetuses or small dead oxen on the floor today?
Lowell: (hands Mike a mop) You’re about to find out.
Mike: (grimaces at camera) Hoo boy.
(Mike begins cleaning up)
Mike: Lowell, I’m getting this stuff all over. It’s sticking to my wrists.
Lowell: You have to tuck your sleeves into your gloves.
Mike: Couldn’t you have told me that before I started?
Lowell: Hey, you learn on the job, man.
Mike: What’s this red thing?
Lowell: That’s a tomato… no wait, that’s a fetus.
Mike: My foot is stuck, Lowell. There’s a prosthetic arm over here.
Lowell: Just twist your foot!
Mike: Jesus, this is horrible.
(cut to outside the Madden Cruiser)
Mike: Of course, strip clubs are just one part of Super Bowl week here in Tampa. It’s also a huge media event. There are over 10,000 reporters and broadcasters here to cover the game this week, from over 115 different countries. Of course, the best-known member of this media army is NBC analyst John Madden. Madden is unique in that he never flies to games, preferring to travel by bus. THIS bus. The Madden Cruiser. And Jim Farriman is the guy in charge of making sure the Madden Cruiser is fit to cruise.
So Jim, how long have you been in charge of the Madden Cruiser?
Jim: I’ve worked with Mr. Madden for nigh on about two decades now, sir.
Mike: And what goes into keeping the Madden Cruiser running?
Jim: Well, there’s the routine maintenance of checking the engine and what not. But you kind of have to think of the Madden Cruiser as a house as well. So you’re always having to maintain the housing aspects of the vehicle. That means fixing the plumbing, cleaning the floors, cleaning the toilets. There’s more that goes into it than you might think.
Mike: Well, let’s have a look inside. Shall we?
Jim: Yes, sir.
(door flies open)
Mike: HOLY SMOKES! The hell is that?
Jim: That’s John son, Frank Bag O’ Donuts Madden. We’re early. He’s usually up around four or so. His eyes are open, but I promise you he’s out like a light right now.
Mike: So this kind of mess is usual?
Jim: Every day, sir. He’s actually pretty clean today. There’s usually brown mold growing on him by sunup.
Mike: What do the Maddens DO to make this kind of mess?
Jim: Well, they love eating, of course. If Mr. Madden sees something he likes along the road, he usually makes us stop. He’ll say, “BOOM! Look at that! That diner is named Flo’s! If you’ve got a diner, and it’s run by a woman named Flo, it’s probably gonna be good.” And that’s how it starts. We’ll stop eighteen, twenty times a day. Usually you can’t see the floor of the bus, so yesterday must have been fairly light. I lost my dog a while back. Searched for him for a year. Turned out he had been in here the whole time. I just hadn’t noticed.
Mike: So what are we gonna do in the bus today?
Jim: Well Mike, we’re gonna clean the restroom.
(door flies open)
Mike: You gotta be kidding me.
Jim: You have to understand. We’re sponsored by Outback. So that right there… that’s what we call the Outback Output. Pretty rough stuff. Here (hands Mike a hazmat suit and blowtorch), this is really the only way to sanitize it. I have ammonium nitrate capsules in the back if you start feeling dizzy.
Mike: Jim, I’m starting to lose my eyesight.
Jim: Yep. It’ll do that to ya.
Mike: God, this sucks.
(cut to Mike outside the Steeler locker room)
Mike: I’m outside the Steelers locker room. Players spend up to 18 hours a day studying and practicing to get ready for the big game. And in that 18 hours, they leave behind them a long trail of dirty jocks, sweaty pads, training table scraps, and discarded Cortisone shot needles. But even when that’s finished, the worst cleanup job is still yet to come. I’m here with TV actress Missy Peregrym. Missy, what exactly is it that you do for the Steelers?
Missy: I’m Ben Roethlisberger’s girlfriend.
Mike: So, what does that job entail?
Missy: My general responsibilities include hanging out with Ben, talking to Ben, snuggling with him, providing emotional love and support, helping him with his coloring books, rubbing his head when he’s said too many words, convincing him that if I hide behind a sofa I haven’t disappeared forever. Stuff like that.
Mike: That’s quite a lot to handle.
Missy: It’s okay. It has its rewards.
Mike: So, what will I be doing today?
Missy: You’re gonna be fucking Ben.
(door flies open)
Ben: HARF HARF. BEN HAVE STICK IN PANTS. NEEDS TO MAKE PANT KLEENEX.
Mike: Oh, fuck me.
Ben: OKAY MISTER.
