Dick LeBeau: I coached the number one defense in the NFL this year. People like me because I’m craggy and a million years old and read ‘Twas the Night Before Christmas to my players every year. I’ve been either playing or coaching in the NFL for 50 years now and I invented the zone blitz when I was doodling on a bar napkin back in the ’80s while getting your mom trashed. Yeah, I’m the shriveled tits.
Rex Ryan: I coached the number two defense in the league this year and we led the league in turnovers. Which, uh, was much better than getting the head coaching job. I can fuck up Joey Chestnut if given the chance and I’ve had steak sauce slathered just below my neck for the last 30 years, so I’m a little pallid in that region. Plus, my defense puts up bounties on opposing players. JUST LIKE MAH DIDDY!
Jim Johnson: I coached the number three defense in the league and am really the only thing that’s kept Andy Reid employed the last few years. I’m four years younger than Old Man LeBeau up there and twice as dessicated. And I’ll send nine guys after your quarterback up 30 points in the 4th quarter on a 3rd and 20, ’cause I don’t fucking like your face.
Clancy Pendergast: Okay, I see what we’re doing here. Look, fine, my defensive unit wasn’t ranked in the top five. Fucking plunge my ass already. We did pick off Jake Delhomme five times last week. That has to count for something, right? All right, all right, maybe I don’t have complex “blitz packages” or well-developed intricate “schemes”. I was brought on by Denny Green. I’m lucky to still be working in this league. And we’re alive. I deserve some credit for that.
STOP CALLING ME PEDERAST! I GET IT! THE NAME IS CLOSE, BUT I’M NOT A KIDDIE TOUCHER! LEINART SCORES ALL THE UNDERAGE ACTION ANYWAY! HOW ABOUT PENDERGRASS!? HOW ABOUT THAT PUNNAGE? IT’S CLOSE TO MY NAME TOO! THAT’S MUCH BETTER! OKAY! OKAY! CLANCY TOO! LIKE FUCKING WIGGUM! TEE FUCKING HEE! LOOK AT JUNIOR CHRIS BERMAN OVER HERE!
C’mon Westbrook. Please be hurt for real this week, goddammit.
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Pendergass looks like on of the Picasso paintings.
@public enemy
jesus pederass to kurt warner:”whats this day of rest bullshit!i dont fuckin care”
Wonder what kind of razor Pendergrabass uses? Or does he just wear a gorilla suit under his golf shirt?
Eight year-olds, Dude.
@Drama: +1 for the Married with Children reference
I wonder what Clancy and Shannen Doherty talk about at the family reunion.
Hilarious as always, guys. LeBeau has been a master of his craft for a long time. He’s the shinizzle. HH@showoffsports.com
It’s like the “which one doesn’t belong” question on a standardized test.
Clancy, you have two choices. You can get out, or you can get the hell out.
Jim Johnson scares the living fuck out of me, and I root for the Eagles. I only pray that I’m not honking at him when he’s driving 15 miles per hour with his turn signal on in front of me someday.
Dick Lebeau is Ron Burgundy after 18 DUIs and 30 years of hard line heroin use.
god,pedophile references are awful.
Ryan looks like a t-ball coach,LeBeau and Johnson can be seen getting free coffee at mcdonalds,looks like mr. pendergrast can be found at the mcdonalds playplace staring over the top corner of his newspaper.
Clancy is sasquatch.
Viva Viagra!!!
Please no more…I can’t take any more mouth eyes…NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
@FMRA: Truth. Although, he wouldn’t say “Don’t just stare at it, eat it.” He’d say “Are you gonna eat all that?”
Something tells me Clancy doesn’t “own a toothbrush” or “let his scabs heal” either.
Who hasn’t coached the Bengals to a 2-14 record?
Rex Ryan looks like the kind of guy who likes to watch himself in the mirror while he fucks.
Jim Johnson’s defense is good but Jim Jones’ defense is better
I really only have one reason to hate Lebeau. It involves the time he coached my team to a wonderful 2-14 record. I imagine he read bedtime stories to that team isntead of i dont know, coaching. Fucking waste of space.
/resisting urge to give Rex Ryan mouth-eyes
Drew = winner
“Your faith in your mediocre offensive line is yours”
Dick LeBeauner better stay away from my mom.
Jim Johnson kind of looks like Larry Coker, only hotter!!!
If Dick LeBeau’s Age > Jim Johnson’s Age, then Dick LeBeau = Serial Hair Dyer.
Gah! It’s like the Four Horseman of Erectile Dysfunction up there!
“I’m four years younger than Old Man LeBeau up there and twice as dessicated.”
We also would have accepted “twice as defecated.”
Twice as defecated.
There is no way Jim Johnson is younger than LeBeau. He looks to be at least 10 years older. I’m not sure he is going to make it through the season.
More like FANCY TENDERASS!!!
/high-fives self
Jim Johnson looks like the Emporer.
“Oh, I’m afraid Broderick Bunkley will be quite operational when your friends arrive. MWAHAHAHAHAHA”
At least Pendergast doesn’t spell his first name with a K.
All of these men look like mugshots in a pedophile database. LeBeau’s got the kiddie leer and the crooked smirk, Johnson’s got the single intrigued eyebrow and the disconcerting ogle, and Pendergast just looks troubled. Troubled with his demons.
Ryan, on the other hand, that face is straight out of the upper-class white suburban passive-aggressive wife-beater’s handbook. “Ahaha, this is a great party isn’t it!!!! Sorry my wife is such a fuckin’ bitch with the hor’deurves, isn’t that right honey!!!!! Ahaha!!!!!”
Jim Johnson ruled before this. Now, I’d be thrilled to hear he banged my mom.
“And I’ll send nine guys after your quarterback up 30 points in the 4th quarter on a 3rd and 20, ’cause I don’t fucking like your face.”
Now THAT’s a coach I’d play for!
Do the Steelers still get story time?
They were a top five defense in the NFC West – that’s something, am I right?
Is it that the last one appear to have more hair on his chest than his head?
If he liked to host black-tie margarita and daiquiri parties, we could call him Fancy Blenderblast.
What’s that? No? Okay.
Don’t forget Jim Johnson’s stint as an actor in the mid-90′s, most notably as the guy who tries to rape William Wallace’s wife in “Braveheart”…
“You remind me of my daughter.”
Oh, I get it, the last one doesn’t have shriveled balls yet.
“’cause I don’t fucking like your face.”
Nice, ape!