One Fewer Fail in the Fold
[Castle Failskull]
[A procession of kazoo players enter from a hallway, followed by a regal figure]
Fail Lion: My brothers! Today we mourn a great loss from our Royal Court of Fail. News comes from the field that Sir Buzzsaw has entered into the Nation of the Super Bowl dwellers.
Saint Jester: Impossible!
The Brown Knight: It cannot be so! [Throws empty beer bottle]
Fail Lion: Do not let your emotions sway your thoughts. Today is truly a sad one, but we will muddle on, as we always do.
Saint Jester: But what of his post?
Fail Lion: That is the very matter upon which we must ruminate this day. Sir Buzzsaw served this court admirably for generations as a specialist in matters of irrelevancy and fan apathy.
Jaguar serf: Well I don’t care much for my team. In fact, I only wear this cranial adornment because I found it in the parking lot.
The Brown Knight: Yes! The Jaguar! His people care little of the fortunes of their flag.
Fail Lion: But can the Jaguar be trusted? Remember, now, it was his squadron that came close twice in its formative years to fleeing our ranks.
Texan knave: TEXANS! NUMBER ONE!
Saint Jester: Yes, but who among us has not had a brush with near-success? It was just two years ago that I nearly trod onto those Super Bowl grounds.
Texan knave: WE BEAT THE COWBOYS ONCE! TEXANS! NUMBER ONE!
Fail Lion: Yours is a fair point, jester. Let it be so. Approach, serf.
Are you ready to ignore the shifting fortunes of your team? Only to adopt them should be make the promised land?
Jaguar serf: Sure. I guess. Me and Matt Jones are gonna score good drugs no matter what.
Fail Lion: Then I shall decree it. I dub thee, Sir Jaguar. Noble paladin of fan apathy.
Sir Jaguar: [Takes toke] Super.
[Kazoos play]
Tags: 0-16, Browns, court of fail, jacksonville jaguars, new orleans saints, No one cares about the Texans, xmas ape
January 20th, 2009 at 12:21 pm
Meanwhile, at Castle Bandwagonskull, Sir Buzzsaw and his merry band of followers are greeted warmly by emissaries from the distant lands of Bostonia and Tampalandia.
(This was outfuckingstanding, by the way. Ape for the win.)
January 20th, 2009 at 12:44 pm
Jest ye may, but Count Buzzsaw must now throw his countenance upon the Smelly Hawaiian scourge of Polamalu and the Black Knight Coach. Tho led by the Village Idiot, their powers are many and their armies are barbarous raving (idiots) hordes of Gold and Black.
But such are thoughts for another day. Come childe and let us sing of the Marmalarde before the morrow…
January 20th, 2009 at 12:48 pm
The Justice League of Failure would like a word with you and your merry band fail.
January 20th, 2009 at 12:48 pm
The Lions will rise up and will own the NFC North once again
January 20th, 2009 at 12:52 pm
*sighs* … This SuperBowl is terrible.
Go LeBron
January 20th, 2009 at 12:56 pm
Hey, I once participated in a Forgotten Realms campaign with Fail Lion! He was a dick – stole my 20 sided die, the bastard.
January 20th, 2009 at 1:04 pm
Have they relocated the Seahawks yet?
January 20th, 2009 at 1:07 pm
Brilliant piece – instant classic!
January 20th, 2009 at 1:12 pm
So Maj is still rejecting Star Wars and Ape is embracing whatever this is from his past. Wow, Obama just took office and look at the geek diversity he has promoted!
January 20th, 2009 at 1:16 pm
As a Jets fan, I am mildly angry at not seeing the Fail Jet, or Broadway Fail, or something like that, in this post.
January 20th, 2009 at 1:17 pm
I always forget that Texas has two NFL teams.
January 20th, 2009 at 1:21 pm
Methinks Alex K missed the point of this tale.
And a hearty addition of one to Mike D.
January 20th, 2009 at 1:23 pm
@Alex – Lo it was many ages ago, thou hast enjoyed a bounteous harvest compared to the true Brethren of Fail and their less failtastic comrades the Vikings and Bills.
January 20th, 2009 at 1:26 pm
Panthers, Falcons, Vikings, Bills, Eagles, Bengals, Seahawks,Titans, and Chargers fans must feel pretty good right about now.
January 20th, 2009 at 1:26 pm
Alice, ye best be wearing boots of escaping.
January 20th, 2009 at 1:29 pm
Star Wars and now King Richards Fair? The gay mafia really ia gay!
January 20th, 2009 at 1:32 pm
That is some damn fine news, Alice. Now, off to mingle with the celeb of my choosing (I choose Ellen).
January 20th, 2009 at 1:33 pm
Um Alice, for what kind of jobs do ye speak of that entitle one to the presence of celebrities and millionaires?
January 20th, 2009 at 1:36 pm
What if I just want to dream about hanging out with skanks with huge funbags? Is there a site for me, Alice? Gee, I hope so.
January 20th, 2009 at 1:41 pm
Fucking Alice. If you are going to spam, at least do it in olde English. Or at least be drinking Olde English.
January 20th, 2009 at 1:43 pm
If you wish to date a celebrity, you must answer me these questions three. Question the first…
January 20th, 2009 at 1:53 pm
really? jaguars? I dunno,too close they have come far too often…and in such short time…we shall see how long their appointment to the Fail Court lasts lol.
January 20th, 2009 at 2:02 pm
I know the Jags have never made the Super Bowl but they’ve made the AFC Championship Game 2 times in 14 years… That’s fairly good…
January 20th, 2009 at 2:15 pm
I challenge all of you to an honor doowell.
January 20th, 2009 at 2:18 pm
When you go from beating the Steelers as a Wild Card in last years Playoffs to 5-11 the next year with the same fucking team,i call this season at least a fail Jags. And having the best record in the NFL and shitting the bed against the #6 Seed,EPIC FAIL Titans!
January 20th, 2009 at 2:57 pm
Finally my Jags get a little recognition up in this mutha fucka! That’s not me in that picture though! That guys is probably wearing a Mark Brunnel jersey!
January 20th, 2009 at 3:02 pm
Baron Seahawk seems to be at the front gate asking how much more he has to do to be let back in
January 20th, 2009 at 3:19 pm
Hath no shelter for the Red Chief and his weery traveling companions Bengalord, Saint Lewis the Relocated II, and Dark Lord Al Davis the Undead??
January 20th, 2009 at 3:27 pm
golf clap ape. thlee smirre
January 20th, 2009 at 3:39 pm
I ponder the lack of Vi-Queens to thou Round Table of Failure.
January 20th, 2009 at 3:56 pm
The Knights of Castle Failskull are but mere vassals, petty barons, to the Vikings and Bills, who are Super Bowl Failure Royalty.
January 20th, 2009 at 4:58 pm
Great post. Though I would have called it “Legends of the Fail”.
January 20th, 2009 at 5:08 pm
The liquor store in my neighborhood is co-owned by a Lions fan and a Vikings fan. They do great business and I’m one of their best customers.
January 20th, 2009 at 5:33 pm
@Alex K: Super Bowl III ringing any bells?
January 20th, 2009 at 7:26 pm
Go Texans. Number 1…in the draft next year.
January 20th, 2009 at 9:29 pm
Between the Epic of Fail and Awesome Heights of Winning are the flat fields of Mediocrity. There are many a band of men who swear fealty to that Lord. My Dolphins have been to the Awesome Heights, but lo have walked the valley and plains of Mediocrity for so long. On occasion they get close to the trails leading to the Heights. But then, in the ways of total fuckheads, they lose way again.
I believe I have many compatriots whose teams too walk these fields.
January 20th, 2009 at 9:31 pm
With any luck, L-Fitz anally rapes the Steelers with a barbwire rubber.
Go Texans.
/puts head down and shuffles quietly from room.
January 20th, 2009 at 10:58 pm
The Brown Knight tells tales of the Great Kingdom in the before-time, led by the ever wise, noble, and wife-beating warrior Jim. It is these legendary tales that allow the Brown Knight and his companions to endure and look ahead to the time when Sir Brady will prove himself unworthy of the crown, leading to the fulfillment of the prophecy that a great King will travel East from the land of Penn. And this King shall slay the BCS Dragon with a mere Buckeye as he ascends to the throne and leads the Brown Knight to the promised land…
How sad/delusional is it that I am already looking forward to the 2011 draft? Well, if all you New York fuckos can scream about Lebron in 2010, I’m going with Terrelle in 2011..
January 20th, 2009 at 11:05 pm
those whom the gods would destroy, they first make proud. wherefore the deities have suffered the cowboys of dallas to tread the hallowed earth of football valhalla on 8 occasions, and to have tasted its myriad fruits on 5 of them, so their pain would be all the more unendurable once saddled with the arkansas blasphemer who would arrogate to himself the glory that historically has been the exclusive province of the deities whose mercy made possible the very jubilation enjoyed. the cowboys of dallas, in the 13th year of their consignment to the elysian fields, have but merely begun their bitter sojourn. never again shall they feel the warm embrace of valhalla until they have forsaken the false prophet and renewed their supplication at the altar of the true deities of football. verily must they rouse themselves from their somnolence and stamp as the mire of the earth the perfidious one who has deigned to forfeit his soul to slake his unquenchable thirst for lucre and adoration which are not properly his due. should these things not come to pass, the cowboys of dallas and their cohort shall truly know the depths of misery unending.
January 21st, 2009 at 12:36 am
needs more wenches
January 21st, 2009 at 12:58 am
Excellent piece.
January 21st, 2009 at 8:12 am
Huzzah! Now bringeth me the head of Herm Edwards on a platter…
January 21st, 2009 at 12:00 pm
Are these the same people that play Quiddich?
January 21st, 2009 at 1:26 pm
jujrok…Exactly!
As I tell my brethren, it ain’t Eldorodo Owens, it ain’t Coach Phill-ups, It ain’t Romo or his Ho, and it ain’t PrincetonBoy,…IT’S THE FUCKINCRAZY OWNER. And you can’t fire the owner. We. Are. Fucked.
January 21st, 2009 at 5:17 pm
I declare this post hilarious.
Jolly good show