Yesterday, the good people at Sloshspot created a guide for bacon-infused alcohol and bacon-flavored mixed drinks.  It’s a handy thing to have if, like me, your two favorite things not attached to women are bacon and alcohol.  The only problem is, Sloshspot completely fucked it up.  The article reeks of Google search and inexperience.  As the preeminent Internet writer who spends most of his free time finding new ways to combine bacon and alcohol, let me set things straight point-by-point.

1. Bacon-infused vodka

To its credit, Sloshspot accurately copied the dozens of recipes out there: fry three pieces of bacon, put it in a mason jar with vodka, wait three weeks, freeze, strain.

2. The Bacon Martini

AKA colossal fuck-up #1.  SS takes a recipe meant to give a regular vodka martini a hint of bacon (lining the edge of the glass with bacon grease; garnishing with a piece of bacon), and mistakenly says that you should use three ounces of bacon-infused vodka with the recipe.

I’ve dabbled with making bacon-infused martinis, and anything that is 90% or more bacon vodka will taste like ass.  I promise you.  The bacon flavor is just too salty and overpowering.  It’s like drinking pork-flavored seawater.

So you have to dilute it a little.  Here’s a tomato-bacon martini recipe that will knock you on your ass:

- 1 oz. bacon-infused vodka
- 2 oz. plain vodka
- 3 oz. tomato water (It’s another time-consuming pain to make, but well worth it)

Add ice.  Shake.  Garnish with fresh cherry tomato.  Optional ingredient: dash of black pepper.

You know how good a BLT tastes, right?  Imagine getting rid of all that horseshit lettuce and bread and mayonnaise and adding booze.  Make that at a party and you’ll be a goddamned hero.  Just remember where you got the recipe: an obscene football blog.

3. The Bacon Bloody Mary

This is another one that’s pretty impossible to mess up.  Just a regular Bloody Mary made with bacon vodka instead of plain.  And rimming the glass with bacon salt is definitely a good call.

4. Bacon-Infused Bourbon

There’s a bar in New York called PDT that insists you can make bacon-infused bourbon in just a couple hours.  New York Magazine bought into that idea, and so did Sloshspot.  Guess what?  It’s a fucking LIE.  I tried it, and it sucks.  The best way to make bacon bourbon is the same way you make bacon vodka: by waiting impatiently for three weeks.

5. Bacon Old-Fashioned

This is a brilliant drink, but only if you do the annoying time-consuming process to make your bacon bourbon.  Start with just a little maple syrup (a little goes a LONG way), add just enough water to liquefy the syrup, then add a shot of bacon bourbon.  The PDT recipe calls for bitters and an orange twist, but I prefer a few drops of lemon to cut the smoky sweetness.  Serve over ice.  If you need a garnish, I recommend a dark cherry.

So go forth, Internet readers, and drink bacony booze down the path of delicious drunkenness.  Have faith that these recommendations have come only after extensive trial and error, and though it pains me to share my secrets, I’d rather do that than see others lead you astray.  Because bacon-flavored booze is a terrible thing to waste.

Image via XKCD