KSK Off-Topic: People on the Internet Are Lying to You About Baconized Alcohol
Yesterday, the good people at Sloshspot created a guide for bacon-infused alcohol and bacon-flavored mixed drinks. It’s a handy thing to have if, like me, your two favorite things not attached to women are bacon and alcohol. The only problem is, Sloshspot completely fucked it up. The article reeks of Google search and inexperience. As the preeminent Internet writer who spends most of his free time finding new ways to combine bacon and alcohol, let me set things straight point-by-point.
1. Bacon-infused vodka
To its credit, Sloshspot accurately copied the dozens of recipes out there: fry three pieces of bacon, put it in a mason jar with vodka, wait three weeks, freeze, strain.
2. The Bacon Martini
AKA colossal fuck-up #1. SS takes a recipe meant to give a regular vodka martini a hint of bacon (lining the edge of the glass with bacon grease; garnishing with a piece of bacon), and mistakenly says that you should use three ounces of bacon-infused vodka with the recipe.
I’ve dabbled with making bacon-infused martinis, and anything that is 90% or more bacon vodka will taste like ass. I promise you. The bacon flavor is just too salty and overpowering. It’s like drinking pork-flavored seawater.
So you have to dilute it a little. Here’s a tomato-bacon martini recipe that will knock you on your ass:
- 1 oz. bacon-infused vodka
- 2 oz. plain vodka
- 3 oz. tomato water (It’s another time-consuming pain to make, but well worth it)
Add ice. Shake. Garnish with fresh cherry tomato. Optional ingredient: dash of black pepper.
You know how good a BLT tastes, right? Imagine getting rid of all that horseshit lettuce and bread and mayonnaise and adding booze. Make that at a party and you’ll be a goddamned hero. Just remember where you got the recipe: an obscene football blog.
3. The Bacon Bloody Mary
This is another one that’s pretty impossible to mess up. Just a regular Bloody Mary made with bacon vodka instead of plain. And rimming the glass with bacon salt is definitely a good call.
4. Bacon-Infused Bourbon
There’s a bar in New York called PDT that insists you can make bacon-infused bourbon in just a couple hours. New York Magazine bought into that idea, and so did Sloshspot. Guess what? It’s a fucking LIE. I tried it, and it sucks. The best way to make bacon bourbon is the same way you make bacon vodka: by waiting impatiently for three weeks.
5. Bacon Old-Fashioned
This is a brilliant drink, but only if you do the annoying time-consuming process to make your bacon bourbon. Start with just a little maple syrup (a little goes a LONG way), add just enough water to liquefy the syrup, then add a shot of bacon bourbon. The PDT recipe calls for bitters and an orange twist, but bitters suck, and twists aren’t worth the effort. Instead, add a few drops of lemon to cut the smoky sweetness. Serve over ice. If you need a garnish, I recommend a dark cherry.
So go forth, Internet readers, and drink bacony booze down the path of delicious drunkenness. Have faith that these recommendations have come only after extensive trial and error, and though it pains me to share my secrets, I’d rather do that than see others lead you astray. Because bacon-flavored booze is a terrible thing to waste.
Image via XKCD
Tags: bacon, captain caveman, KSK off topic
January 23rd, 2009 at 9:38 am
Hmm. But is a bacon vodka, I don’t know … kosher?
January 23rd, 2009 at 9:39 am
Chad Johnson said to sprinkle Bacon dust on top.
January 23rd, 2009 at 9:42 am
“Just remember where you got the recipe: an obscene football blog”
To which Jam Master A would say, “You forgot racist and insensitive and…”
/slaps JMA and demands he return to the kitchen and makes me turkey pot pie.
January 23rd, 2009 at 9:43 am
This brings drinking your breakfast to a whole new level.
January 23rd, 2009 at 9:44 am
I find the best information in the weirdest places. Sadly, as this cleary was a post that was inspired by the IRE of Captain Caveman, we DON’T HAVE TIME TO IMPLEMENT BEFORE THE SUPERBOWL!
But we can implement for a lovely weekend in Feb. Thanks!
January 23rd, 2009 at 9:47 am
I love bacon. I love bourbon. I am not excited to mix the two.
January 23rd, 2009 at 9:48 am
@Dan V – I was EXTREMELY skeptical. But it’s actually quite good.
January 23rd, 2009 at 9:49 am
As the preeminent Internet writer who spends most of his free finding new ways to combine bacon and alcohol
Just wait until Stephen Hawking starts a blog. Then you’ll be number two.
January 23rd, 2009 at 9:50 am
Why do I have to wait three weeks for bacon vodka. I can just drink vodka while eating bacon like I’ve done for years.
I agree, a BLT is just lame. Just as for a bacon sandwich, hold the bread.
January 23rd, 2009 at 9:51 am
I have been to PDT very good drinks. I love both Bacon and Bourbon as well as old fashions, I must make this.
January 23rd, 2009 at 9:56 am
Do you recommend using fancy bacon or will the generic supermarket kind work?
January 23rd, 2009 at 9:58 am
“Every morning, I wake up, and I smoke a cigarette. And then I eat five strips of bacon. And for lunch, I eat a bacon sandwich. And for a midday snack? Bacon! A whole damn plate! And I usually drink my dinner.”
January 23rd, 2009 at 10:02 am
Wait…in the above sketch…is that a woman in your bed asking you to get off your computer and possible come do her and you telling her that you must refute another website’s bacon/drink making theories?
OK, just checking.
January 23rd, 2009 at 10:03 am
Plain old bacon works just fine, stealofthedraft. And don’t sully good booze — use Skyy and other mid-shelf brands.
January 23rd, 2009 at 10:08 am
One time I made buffalo bacon, I soaked bacon in butter & Frank’s Red Hot over night… it was pretty good— I’d suggest it only be used to add to other foods (i.e. bacon burger). Booze is pushing it.
January 23rd, 2009 at 10:12 am
CC I am glad you have such a strong opinion about this. From now on I am making KSK my wikipedia. Information from other sources is false and amatuer.
January 23rd, 2009 at 10:23 am
is there any information on making s’mores schnapps on the internet?
January 23rd, 2009 at 10:27 am
Here’s my favorite recipe:
- Take 10 strips of bacon and a bottle of vodka
- Fry bacon
- Pour three ounces of vodka in a glass
- Eat bacon
- Drink vodka
January 23rd, 2009 at 10:33 am
@Animal Mother- Agreed. Bacon should only be the complement meat on a sandwich (like a bacon cheeseburger) and not the main meat.
January 23rd, 2009 at 10:36 am
Bacon Alcohol: when you want your heart and liver to race to see which one gives out first.
January 23rd, 2009 at 10:37 am
There is a small distillery in South Carolina called Firefly that makes Sweet Tea vodka. It’s just making it’s way down here in J-ville and damn it’s the shit if you liked sweet tea. I don’t know the exact ratio but it’s parts vodka, parts sour mix, and parts water and I’ll be fucking MeDamned if it doesn’t taste just like sweet tea with lemon with the additon of a buzz factor!
http://www.fireflyvodka.com/
January 23rd, 2009 at 10:38 am
Bacon Bourbon: making bums feel classy since Prohibition!
January 23rd, 2009 at 10:39 am
K, I respect bacon too much by mixing it with anything else. Soaking bacon in any liquid is an abomination. An abomination!
Also, bacon as only a complement? You crazy. I have just bacon sammiches every chance I get. The tomato and lettuce (much less another meat) makes bacon soggy. And soggy bacon just ain’t right.
January 23rd, 2009 at 10:44 am
@Slash
preach on!
January 23rd, 2009 at 10:50 am
“wait three weeks, freeze, strain”
Since 80 proof wodka freezes at -16.51 °F (-26.95 °C), one would have to have a super-deluxe, dry-ice powered freezer to pull that trick off. Well, that or live in North Dakota.
January 23rd, 2009 at 10:51 am
dAndy:
South Carolinian here. Firefly is tits. +1 to you.
January 23rd, 2009 at 10:55 am
@ wrecking ball: Yeah, I hunt up there, but my chick actually introduced me to it here in Jax. That’s shit is awesome for tailgating before watching the Jags get ass pounded. After the ass pounding I have to move on to something with a little more skrength though.
January 23rd, 2009 at 10:59 am
Up next: Vagina infused tequila.
No?
Well fuck you then. I’ll figure it out myself.
January 23rd, 2009 at 10:59 am
Dear Sirs,
I would like to renew my subscription to your fine website. Your blog has brought me hours of enjoyment and wasted countless hours of work. For that I thank you. But this bacon and booze article is fucking awesome. Please continue the superlative work.
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January 23rd, 2009 at 11:00 am
Speaking of bacon bloodies and all things bacon related…
http://blueribbonbaconfestival.com/
mmmmmmmm, bacon.
January 23rd, 2009 at 11:14 am
Damn, there must not be much to do in Des Moines. That shit be sold out like a mug!
January 23rd, 2009 at 11:18 am
Stupid question. Should this bacon be cooked before the vodka or bourbon soaking process?
January 23rd, 2009 at 11:19 am
Or I could read the article’s first few sentences. Oooof.
January 23rd, 2009 at 11:21 am
http://www.baconsalt.com/
Bacon Salt is gooood…haven’t tried to Baconnaise or Bacon Lip Balm yet
/pork fan
January 23rd, 2009 at 11:25 am
-1 for referencing xkcd.
January 23rd, 2009 at 11:32 am
Uh, DMT, the freezing is probably to make all the fat congeal so it can be strained off. And it might also concentrate the alcohol a bit, if it’s cold enough.
/chemist, shoulda been a … a … IDK, something else
//jewish, but this is giving me an idea: pastrami infused Scotch. Hmmmm…
January 23rd, 2009 at 11:33 am
CC — you need to patent the “BLTini”, sounds fucking amazing
January 23rd, 2009 at 11:33 am
Bacon Salt?! I feel like a failure as a fat guy for not know this was out there! And Baconnaise! It’s like someone has read my mind and granted me wishes. This joy reminds me of the time I discovered the Bacon Burger with the Grilled Cheese buns. I cried. Definitely a greater moment then my wedding or children’s birth. Check it out. http://aht.seriouseats.com/archives/2008/10/the-bacon-hamburger-fatty-melt-a-bacon-burger-with-two-baconstuffed-grilled-cheese-sandwiches-as-bun.html
January 23rd, 2009 at 11:34 am
Ufford has done his good deed for the day, and can now go back to hooker jokes.
@Steal: Regular bacon is fine, but you def get what you pay for. Try something with hickory or maple in the title.
@Sydney: Cook the bacon
/dick joke
January 23rd, 2009 at 11:35 am
“Imagine getting rid of all that horseshit lettuce and bread and mayonnaise and adding booze.”
words to live by.
thank you for this inspiration, CC. i think for the SuperBowl i’ll try to improve my shrimp bloody mary with some of that bacon salt if i can find it in these parts
/my shrimp bloody mary = mix of organic cucumber and tomato vodkas, extra spicy cajun mix, shrimp of your choice, cucumber slice swizzle stick, olives on toothpick (which serves double duty as shrimp picker upper)
January 23rd, 2009 at 11:35 am
@dAndy
There’s a reason that we natives call it “Dead Moines”. We do have a special place in our hearts for all things pork related.
/glad to have escaped when I had the chance
//would kill for a pork tenderloin about now
January 23rd, 2009 at 11:38 am
@no witty — You are correct. DMT is good with numbers, less so with common sense.
January 23rd, 2009 at 11:43 am
will doubling or tripling the bacon count decrease the waiting time for the vodka to reach the proper flavor? or does bacon vodka refuse to negotiate with terrorists?
January 23rd, 2009 at 11:59 am
Fact. “Common sense” would dictate that one would strain the grease off before putting the bacon in the wodka. Fact.
But then, what do I know–I’m just a dumb Polack who’s been infusing wodka for some 30 years.
January 23rd, 2009 at 12:37 pm
sorry about the tone of my post, I realize that it reads as snotty, which i didn’t mean. but i imagine that even if you strain the bacon first, some of the fat will still remain in the bacon and thus need to be strained once the vodka is ready to be drunk. or drank.
everyone enjoy your bacon-infused weekends, now
January 23rd, 2009 at 12:39 pm
If I was motivated to pursue any of this I wouldn’t be reading this blog
January 23rd, 2009 at 12:46 pm
Did I miss something? Was eating bacon no longer enjoyable?
January 23rd, 2009 at 12:49 pm
Fine, DMT. You’re the expert, apparently. Do it your way. Lemme know how it goes.
January 23rd, 2009 at 12:55 pm
I’ll stick to beer and whiskey.
January 23rd, 2009 at 1:34 pm
RE Mike D Says:
“Did I miss something? Was eating bacon no longer enjoyable?”
If eating bacon is wrong, I don’t wanna be right. The only way I would mix vodka and bacon is eating a big-ass plate of bacon and drinking vodka tonics.
January 23rd, 2009 at 1:35 pm
Clearly, the bacon everyone who reads this site desires is located here. Slightly NSFW.
January 23rd, 2009 at 1:41 pm
This is a beer that deliberately tastes like bacon. You will not like it.
January 23rd, 2009 at 1:43 pm
This might be the best day ever.
January 23rd, 2009 at 1:48 pm
Bitters sucks?!?
… and the horse you rode in on buddy…
January 23rd, 2009 at 1:52 pm
RE Sabbatini’s Pacifier Says:
“Clearly, the bacon everyone who reads this site desires is located here. Slightly NSFW.”
Er, not exactly. I prefer my bacon on a plate, but that’s just me.
January 23rd, 2009 at 1:54 pm
Roger Sterling doesn’t understand this generation.
January 23rd, 2009 at 2:10 pm
You had all the credibility in the world until you dissed bitters. A cocktail isn’t proper until you’ve added a dash or two. Hell, if you want to skip the twist for an old-fashioned, just add some orange bitters!
Oh, and to all the Jews, there’s a beef bacon available at Whole Foods. It’s not perfect, but it really does work.
January 23rd, 2009 at 2:22 pm
As a cardiologist, I would like to thank CC for a post that will fund my children’s college education
January 23rd, 2009 at 2:37 pm
Actually, I like the schlenkerlau rauschbier, although it helps to eat something nonsmoky when you drink it. Then again, I’m the kind of guy who will eat the charred bits of chicken left on the grill as long as some part is still recognizable as chicken, so don’t take my word for it.
Left Hand Brewery also makes a really really good [pretty lightly] smoked imperial porter that’s great on its own. that I could drink all day.
January 23rd, 2009 at 4:33 pm
Captain Caveman:
I’m a Whiskey Man and am extremely skeptical about this bacon bourbon, but I’m willing to give it a shot- with someone else’s booze. I have a rich asshole friend with a big liquor cabinet. Which kind of bourbon should I steal from the prick?
January 23rd, 2009 at 4:42 pm
Everyone keep their skepticism to theirself. The author of this article is clearly the man and his authority should never be questioned.
January 23rd, 2009 at 4:58 pm
@ Gino — Try Four Roses. Don’t use anything that’s excellent on its own.
January 23rd, 2009 at 5:01 pm
Thanks, Cap.
January 24th, 2009 at 11:41 am
You’ve got me all excited with this, having just consumed 6 pieces of bacon with breakfast because damnit I can’t stop myself and no one else was going to eat it. In fact my 1 year old daughter wouldn’t even eat one piece… I was so ashamed…
January 26th, 2009 at 10:42 am
Caffeinated bacon? Baconnated grapefruit? Admiral Crunch?
…if you don’t like those, you could always try some Archduke Chocula.
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I’m the only one in this world. Can please someone join me in this life? Or maybe death…
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