KSK Fantasy/Sex Advice Mailbag: Spying On Your Sister-In-Law
Welcome to another disturbingly arousing edition of the KSK Football and Sex Advice Mailbag! After the jump we’ll delve into such sensitive issues as how to explain away that tape you made of your sister-in-law undressing, teaching your adolescent son the proper way to clean up after himself, pregnant sex, and of course, the quest for anal.
KSK,
Sex: My wife’s sister lived with us for a number of months a few years ago. I would consider these years to be her prime, Pro Bowl-caliber ones as she has since decided to marry, get pregnant and generally stop giving a shit about what people think. During those glorious months, I frequently wondered what she looked like getting into and out of the shower totally nude. Being a technology-inclined pervert with a raging desire to polish off to something only a few have ever seen, I procured a wireless spy cam and placed it in a fake plant near the shower. Let’s just say the sister liked to dry off while looking at herself in the mirror and my camera placement was perfect. AWESOME footage. Three questions:
1. What the fuck is wrong with me?
2. Could I ever make a case with my wife if she found the DVD/VHS (I like redundancy) that this actually enhanced our sex life?
3. Now that, due to my complacency and tape hiding skills of a 5 year old, she has found said tape, please repeat question 2.
Football: Fuck football. I’m fucked
-R
You aren’t fooling anyone Strahan, we know it’s you! First of all, what kind of technology inclined pervert uses VHS? As Punter said, you need to store that shit on a password protected external device. Now to answer your questions.
1. You’re just curious!
2. No, but feel free to try.
3. Unless there was another house guest staying with you at the same time then you pretty much can’t deny anything. This is one of those times when you’re pretty much reduced to throwing yourself on the mercy of the court. And unless you have the coolest most understandingest wife on the planet, court is exactly where you’re headed.
And now allow me to ask some questions of you.
1. How long is this tape? Did you record her once, or over the course of several weeks?
2. Is there a surviving copy of said tape that we may analyze?
3. What kind of fucking idiot are you?
KSK,
So this isn’t explicitly a sexual question (Ed. note: Boooo!), but it does pertain to my dick (Ed. note: BOOOOOO!). I noticed a while back that whenever I was about to fall asleep in a meeting I would pop a pretty resiliant boner about five minutes before I started head-bobbing. What the fuck is that about? I don’t recall it happening when I fell asleep in class.
Footballwise, I remember thinking back in the day that anyone could play QB if they were surrounded by the likes of Marshall Faulk, Isaac Bruce and Torry Holt. Warner’s second TD on Sunday could’ve been off by 15 feet in any direction and Fitzy would’ve still hauled it in easily. My question then, is Kurt Warner a really good quarterback, or just a really lucky one?
Eyeing the Bandwagon,
-Z
Doctors don’t fully understand morning wood, so I doubt anyone can tell you why you are experiencing the phenomena just before nodding off. Perhaps your dick just really loves naps. If that’s the case, we have something in common.
Kurt Warner is a very good quarterback who has been fortunate enough to play with some outstanding receivers in his career. He may be a bit of a pussy, but don’t overlook his deep ball accuracy just because he gets to throw to All Pros.
KSK Sex Team,
Sex Question: My wife is reaching the late stages of pregnancy. With her case of pregnancy gigantism, we’ve consequently had a difficult time getting it on. The logistics are just all sorts of messed up.
However, I must have sex now. After the birth, she’ll need at least six to eight weeks to physically heal, and I’ll need at least three months to mentally heal from the sights of having my son’s head come out of the sex spot. I’m not sure if I can go those many months without sex.
What sort of pregnancy sex can I engage in to fill my canteen before the coming drought?
Football Question: I’m in a keeper league. Do I keep Hines Ward or Anquan Boldin?
Thank you,
Smaaron
Men should be allowed to use the services of professional escorts under these circumstances. How this was never made into a “Man Law” commercial is beyond me, but I suspect that women are to blame. Keep Anquan and tell the preggo that if she loves you she’ll let you take care of business on the side*.
*Note: Do not actually go through with this, assuming you prefer your testicles to remain inside your scrotum.
KSK,
Okay, I’m trying to be a good mom here, but I am at my wit’s end. I know 15-year-old boys are wont to masturbate basically non-stop, and I of course have no problem with his doing so (not that it matters if I *did*) but is there a nice way to suggest he not, um, “clean up” on pillow shams? I’ve put tissues in his room. He takes two showers a day. HE HAS SOCKS. What the fuck is going on here? Am I going to have to resort to saying, “Look. These shams have to be dry-cleaned. STOP HUMPING THEM.” I don’t want to traumatize the poor kid but damn. Isn’t there some sort of Jack-Off Etiquette you guys are born with?
I don’t have a football question other than how bad is it going to be on Ape if the Steelers lose?
Sign me,
I think I’m too old for this site
Send the boy our way, for we will teach him the ways of man.
Exactly how old is “too old” to be reading KSK?
KSK,
Football: Some teams seem to believe you can put together a receiving corps on the cheap, filling the roster with like-skilled players who might not be ‘athletic’ but are precise enough route-runners/fast dudes that they can be successful. Does Larry Fitzgerald make those teams look dumber than the contents of a short bus?
Sex: I’m a virgin and so yes, my question is ‘What’s it like?’ Or it would, except I have a chance here…a chick is actually willing to fuck me (I’m pretty stunned too, she even knows I read KSK with the same religious fervor as Kurt Warner does the ‘Left Behind’ book series) but I have to be okay with two things: she’s a butch lesbian (so, unattractive lesbian…she looks like Mike Tirico, no shit) and it will be a rape – I’ll be tied to the bed and fucked repeatedly until I can no longer summon an erection. I guess two questions here, can men actually be raped, and is it worth it to lose my virginity to Mike Tirico-with-a-vagina, or should I wait and see if maybe I can score at the very least a Scott Van Pelt look-alike? I’m sort of desperate…but is that a bit too much?
Yours faithfully,
Mark
No, every other team in the NFL isn’t stupid for failing to build around a guy like Larry Fitzgerald. It’s not like other GM’s have the opportunity to sign the league’s best receiver only to say “eh fuck it, we can get by with Hank Basket.”
Yes, a man can be raped by a woman, but don’t expect them to talk about it very much. To answer your question regarding Mike She-rico, it depends. Some people are all caught up on making their first time special, which is a dumb fucking way to go through your adolescence. To give you the proper advice we really need to know a lot more about you. For instance, how old are you? How long have you been in pursuit of the poon? Do you have any other possibilities on the horizon, however remote they may be? Are you morally opposed to paying for it? If nothing else is playing out in your favor you might as well just make the leap. Hopefully you can at least upgrade to a Scott Sans Pelt.
Guys,
So I just started dating this girl and we’ve had sex a few times but now she wants me to start going down on her. The only problem is that she doesn’t do the best job shaving down there. I sort of discreetly asked her why and she said her ex-boyfriend thought it was sexy so she assumed all guys liked that. How do I tell her that her ex boyfriend is flat out wrong? Also, I’m not exactly a “cunning linguist.” Any tips?
Football wise, what historically awful team (aka which Court of Fail team) do you see next making the step up to the Super Bowl ala the Cardinals?
Adam K.
Easy, just tell her you’d be able to do a much better job if she’d go Brazilian. Trying to predict the next football team to “make the jump” is a futile pursuit. Every year teams rise from nothingness to the playoffs, so it can really happen to anybody. Except of course for the Lions. They’ll still be sucking when we’re all dead and buried.
Dear Fucktasters,
Football question: given Cutlerfucker’s displeasure with the firing of the Oompa Loompa, is the safe bet on the Broncos being even more of a shitshow than they were this year? What’s the story with his contract, anyway? Does he have to stick around? I demand expert analysis here. Don’t make me email Fatsis.
Sex question: my boyfriend (yes, I’m a chick) claims that if we ever wanted to get our freak on with some voyeuristic action, he could find a willing dude at any random bar on any random night to come home with us and watch us fuck (no threesome action involved or implied, just watching/jackin’ it.) I say there’s no way, and that we’d have to turn to the internet to find someone who is specficially looking for that sort of activity. So, who’s right? Would any of you pervs go home with a random (and reasonably attractive) couple to watch some live porn? And no, that’s not an invitation.
Regards and stuff,
-K
Invitation or not, Ufford’s on his way.
As for Cutlerfucker, he’s three seasons into his rookie contract that goes for a total of six. With a hot young coach in Denver the future actually looks pretty bright, at least right up until you remember that said coach is a former Belichick coordinator. Don’t let that lack of obesity fool you, he could be every bit the fuckup as his predecessors. Hell, Josh McDaniels has already hired his 28 year-old brother as an offensive assistant. Who needs real coaching experience when you’ve spent three years as a quarterbacks coach at a couple of Ohio high schools? I’m sure Cutlerfucker can’t wait to benefit from that turd’s experience.
KSK,
As impartial observers, who should we be rooting for next Sunday? Will it be worse to hear Steelers fans have more bragging rights, or to see the creation of a Cardinals bandwagon?
I live in an apartment building that’s apparently made out of paper. Anytime my girlfriend and I are doing the deed, it’s obvious that the neighbors who share a wall (and especially those downstairs) can hear everything. No one wants to hear their neighbors having sex; is the onus on me to try to keep things quiet, or is it just tough shit for the neighbors?
Barry
How can you not root for the Cardinals in this situation? Their fans are delightfully apathetic and they’re all neatly tucked away deep in the southwest.
If the walls really are that thin then you at least owe it to your neighbors to make an effort to keep the volume down, but fuck, they’ll probably hear you no matter what. Give ‘em something to complain about and grunt like Maria Sharapova taking it up the ass.
KSK,
Football – My FF league is getting very lazy and this year they decided to not have any money involved. Do I ditch? Or give them another chance to shape up and put some fucking money in?
Sex- My wife doesn’t really let me play with her breasts that much since we had a kid. She is scared that she is going to leak milk while I’m playing with them. The thing is she stopped producing milk MONTHS AGO. I think its unfair for me not to be able to have access to them. Plus…I like tits. I mean….I really like tits. And she has nice big ones (no picture available….yet). How can I get her over her fear so that I can get the motorboat going again?
Thanks,
HoC
The only thing worse than fantasy football with nothing at stake is women who don’t let you fondle their breasts. Simply remind your wife that you put up with that stupid wedding idea of hers, so now you own those milky fuckers.
Dear KSK,
I’m going to Vegas in about a month. It’ll be the first time I’ve been. All I really know about the place is from those Simmons columns which only really teach you that if it wasn’t for those “Asian closer dealers” that he’d be a millionaire. My question is, how much should I budget out for strippers/whores? Normally I’d budget out a lot because I’m painfully single and live in one of the many states that has strict “no touching” laws (but hey, it beats Utah’s “they can’t get naked at all” law). But I’m going for the bartender’s convention which means numerous hot chick bartenders loaded up on free booze. So should I budget out a little and take my chances with a bunch of women with impaired standards or just hit up the titty bar? Or both?
My football question is, how do I make it the next week and a half without wanting to attempt every one of Drew’s suggested methods of suicide? If I have to hear about how Fitty was a ball boy for the Vikings one more time I’m jumping into a tank with Nazi Shark with a fishhead belt.
-El Duke
Your best bet for dealing with the bye week is to take a dry run through Vegas. It never hurts to be too prepared, and this way you won’t be overwhelmed by loud noises physically impossible tits during your bartender gathering. If you do jump in Rolf’s tank make sure the fish head belt is made entirely of smoked fish heads.
Your budget for strippers and whores depends on your overall budget for the trip. The rule of thumb says to only spend what you win at the tables, but I say take your overall gambling budget and triple it. Your best bet is to take one (or more) of those bartenders to Cheetah’s and show them what kind of tipper you are.
Of course you’ll probably lose all of your money playing blackjack against JONATHAN FAHKIN’ PAPELBON! and crying yourself to sleep with your dick in your hand. But hey, at least you’ll always be able to tell everyone how you scared Norv Turner away from your table!
/high fives Hench
KSK,
1 football – am i the only one thinking that the weather is going to suck and when its cold (compared to AZ), windy, and possibly raining (a la bears/ colts SB) that the cards are going to get totally exposed after these 3 long weeks and get destroyed big time?
2 sex – so after a dumb 4.5 year relationship i finally got out of it. she was hot, but it wasnt working and plus the sex was boring. the rebounds were all 7s to 9s so i wasnt bitching, but the first real girlfriend after that was roughly a 9.99 give or take .01 depending on whether it was a monday or a friday, and the sex was absolutely awesome. of course she went back to her ex-boyfriend who i want to stab with a soddering iron in his pee-hole. anyways, how long is the appropriate time to mourn? and since apparently i can pull decent strange in still (no clue how), what is the appropriate level on the hottie scale that i should go after for revenge sex (aka crying sex)?
hail the matron saint,
-waldo
How the fuck do you know what the weather in Tampa is going to be like?
A 9.99? Really? Go fuck yourself with a soldering iron.
KSK,
Jim Mora was recently introduced as my favorite team’s new coach while the Rams hired a superior coach, do I give up now and wait for the Coors commercial or pretend that he had nothing to do with the atrocious secondary and will be a fine head coach?
That whole Rod Tidwell speech from Jerry Maguire about shoplifting the pootie was a joke right? Something put in the movie to please all the single mothers who loved Say Anything so they could sell more tickets? I should be able to bang single moms and never call them again if I want to.
Vin
Ufford answers:As a Seahawks fan, I admit, I’m somewhat less than confident in the skills of Jim Mora. But let’s not panic yet. The Rams hired a superior coordinator, not necessarily a superior coach. Remember when Romeo Crennel was a defensive genius sure to lift the Browns the heights of the AFC Central?
The NFL is a fickle bitch. Most of the actual coaching in the NFL comes not during the three hours we watch on Sundays, but during the rest of the week, when the head coach manages a staff of coordinators and coaches. Mike Holmgren sucked at running a 2-minute drill, but that fat walrus could turn anyone reading this into a capable D-II quarterback. So let’s wait and see what Jim Mora, Mike Singletary, and Steve Spagnuolo can do over the course of an entire season before anyone’s ass gets crowned.
Okay, now back to me. Go rent a movie that isn’t a poorly disguised chick flick and maybe you can get your balls back.
KSK,
Who is your favorite porn star?
What is it that you actually DO once the Super Bowl is over until the beginning of the next season?
TF
1. Your mom.
2. See 1.
And now, for some anal emails.
KSK,
Football: If the Cardinals do anything to catch the Steelers off guard, do you think The Edge will have a bigger role running the ball, or the Buzzsaw will throw in the trick play towel and just heave it to Predator Larry Fitzgerald all day?
Sex: So I’ve been dating/banging my girlfriend for over three years now, but she won’t hand over the anal sex until “there’s a diamond ring on my finger.” Does that seem fair to you? We’ll probably be married in the next few years, but how long does she think I can wait?
Thanks,
Waiting For Anal
That’s just preposterous in every way imaginable. Try to calmly explain to your wife that if she wants a god damn ring then she’s going to have to earn that shit the hard way.
Oh, and fuck The Edge. And Bono. The Buzzsaw need to spread the ball around quite a bit if they want to get Fitzy freed up in single coverage. This will mean giving the ball to Edge (no “The”), Anquan, Breaston, and anybody else on the field who can manage to get open before LaMarr Woodley rips Warner a fresh new asshole.
For the rest thinking of knocking at the backdoor, read this.
And finally, here’s a follow-up from a previous edition of the ‘bag…
KSK,
That’s right gay mafia, your advice was taken, and it turned out to be terriffic.
If you can recall, I e-mailed a few months ago about a current girlfriend that enjoyed the blowjob-on-a-regular-basis routine. She then decided to start sticking a finger in my ass while performing that made me uncomfortable to say the least. Well taking your “tread lightly” advice on this very delicate subject, I parlayed it into something spectacular. I decided to suck it up and not be a pussy about a small female finger in my ass, and told her it would turn me on as well if I could, in exchange, explore her anal region. This has led to my first (and now regular) anal encounter! What a fucking trade off!!
Thanks KSK, you really changed my life.
/Middle-aged woman infomercial voice.
I keep 2 of the 4 for next year: LT, Cutler, Rowdy Roddy, Gore
Is there some sort of drawback to keeping the running backs? Will you lose picks later in the draft for keeping high draft picks? If not keep the backs and pray, otherwise stick with Cutlerfucker and Roddy.
Tags: All SIC, Deviant Behavior, ksk fantasy sex advice mailbag, Our readers really like anal, Sex, Unsilent Majority, Your Mom jokes are never not funny
January 22nd, 2009 at 1:58 pm
To all the guys who are shocked/dismayed that pregnancy alters their sex life: you shoulda thought about that before you decided to slip one past the goalie. Also, the sky is blue and water is wet.
January 22nd, 2009 at 2:04 pm
So I broke up with this hot bitch, then had rebound sex with a bunch of 7s and 9s, then banged this 9.99, and I totally pull hot tail, (but I’ll insert this here to look modest), so how hot of a bitch should my hot-bitch-nailing-ass go after?
January 22nd, 2009 at 2:05 pm
Invitation or not, Ufford’s on his way.
Better set up some tripwires, or Charlie’s going to be inside your perimeter before you know it.
And by “perimeter,” I mean …
January 22nd, 2009 at 2:09 pm
What kind of teenage boy has pillow shams in his room? I’d be more concerned that he’s surfing gay porn and NAMBLA sites, if I were you.
January 22nd, 2009 at 2:10 pm
The fuck is a pillow sham?
January 22nd, 2009 at 2:11 pm
Yeah I don’t get the virgin post. If she’s a lesbo why is she agreeing to fuck you? Can there be some further clarification in the comments? As it is I suspect that the whole thing was made up. Convince me otherwise!
January 22nd, 2009 at 2:11 pm
The fuck is a pillow sham?
A fake pillow. I mean, just a travesty of a pillow.
Seriously, that mom needs to explain the difference between a sham and a sham-wow.
January 22nd, 2009 at 2:11 pm
@Grimey: a fancy pillowcase
January 22nd, 2009 at 2:12 pm
@Vin: I don’t care if the zombie of Vince Lombardi took over the reigns, nobody is leading this St. Louis Rams team anywhere but 4th place. Now stop peeing your pants 8 months before the season starts and SUPPORT YOUR FUCKING TEAM!!!!!
/not confident in Jim Mora II either
January 22nd, 2009 at 2:12 pm
@me: reins. fuck.
January 22nd, 2009 at 2:23 pm
Spy camera guy forgot to add his question about anal; namely, how awful is it going to be when his cellmate forces it on him?
Very.
January 22nd, 2009 at 2:25 pm
Any guy who is so disgusted by pubic hair that it prevents him from going down on his girlfriend is either
a) gay, or
b) a pedophile (prefers that “little girl” look and feel).
If you don’t want to satisfy her, send her to someone who does.
January 22nd, 2009 at 2:27 pm
To: -R
Re: sister-in-law
Shaved or unshaved
January 22nd, 2009 at 2:29 pm
@dinosaur: I think it depends on whether or not we’re talking 70’s porn bush here. Either way, he should play up the “it’ll be a bazillion times better for you if you shave/wax” angle if it’s that big of a deal.
January 22nd, 2009 at 2:29 pm
The virgin just needs to go for it. You just need to get that first one out of the way so you can build your stamina for something better.
January 22nd, 2009 at 2:30 pm
to the guy having trouble banging his pregnant wife. two words: dog style. Problem solved.
January 22nd, 2009 at 2:35 pm
@ Katni
Exactly my thought on the pillow shams. I am assuming that this otherwise cool mom legislates their use. She needs to stop doing that. Yes, I too am concerned that the kid is likely thinking about the Jonas brothers, not Miley, while abusing himself.
Then again, I have always been recalcitrant about even making my bed.
January 22nd, 2009 at 2:38 pm
Uh, dinosaur, bullshit. You apparently have never had the pleasure of having a pube stuck in your throat, and the subsequent four hour retching fit that can only be cured by four bongloads and a bottle of Orangina.
January 22nd, 2009 at 2:42 pm
Moms know about 15 year olds and tossing off? That’s not what “Weird Science” taught me. I was combing my hair!
/no, I was tossing off.
January 22nd, 2009 at 2:43 pm
Any guy who is so disgusted by pubic hair that it prevents him from going down on his girlfriend is either
a) gay, or
b) a pedophile (prefers that “little girl” look and feel).
or c) flosses on his own time.
Seriously, the pool rack full of fuzz is pretty 70’s. I don’t think asking for a little trim is out of bounds.
January 22nd, 2009 at 2:43 pm
To the virgin kid with the butch lesbian: watch out for her fist.
January 22nd, 2009 at 2:48 pm
To HoC – Been there. Keep up the pressure as she should find her nipples are electric after nursing. Once my wife found that out, I was given 24/7 access.
January 22nd, 2009 at 2:50 pm
First the guy secretly tapes his wife’s sister naked and pawing herself, then he leaves it where his wife can find it. Now he’s looking for an excuse, after the fact that she found it?
Look, dude, next time you have a brilliant idea, write in for advice before you actually do it.
And send in the tape.
January 22nd, 2009 at 2:55 pm
Everyone knows you have to tag pregnant women from behind. That way you can pretend you’re not fucking a pregnant chick. Actually, you can pretend you’re nailing anyone you want.
January 22nd, 2009 at 2:57 pm
Bet that kid has a duvet cover too.
January 22nd, 2009 at 3:00 pm
Hey guy with the knocked up wife: It’s called masterbating. Unless you are a total douchebag, jack it for a few months until she’s ready to let you back in the glory hole.
January 22nd, 2009 at 3:01 pm
You hit pregos on the side, from the back… and possibly reverse cowgirl.
January 22nd, 2009 at 3:03 pm
The mom with the chronic masturbator for a son could always give her son a mayonnaise jar and tell him that stuff like that should be saved for the wedding night.
January 22nd, 2009 at 3:05 pm
Morning wood!
January 22nd, 2009 at 3:08 pm
Man, just be grateful she’s letting you near her twat in the first place. So long as the pussy is clean, who cares about the vagiscaping? If you’re that hung up on the fur, offer to shave her yourself and make a production out of it. Candles, music (Sade? Fuck and yes) and let her soak in hot bath water. Spend the money on pre-shave oil, a new razor, good shaving cream and really good aftershave lotion. Look here: http://www.theartofshaving.com. Take your time, shave with the grain and for god’s sake, don’t fuck this up.
January 22nd, 2009 at 3:08 pm
To the mom– have the boy drive the shams to the cleaners. It’ll give him time to think about it. Also, look into Scotchgard.
To the virgin– holy shit–o not let anyone tie you up for your first time.
@UU — buhleev dat. Doggy style is the way to go. I disagree with the homo who said that having pregnant sex is harder than putting together IKEA furniture.
January 22nd, 2009 at 3:11 pm
Also, six to eight weeks is pretty conservative. Some people I know (ahem) didn’t make it nearly that long.
January 22nd, 2009 at 3:13 pm
For those with, shall we say, indiscriminate footage on DVD (VHS? wtf?) who are trying to hide it from their spousal units, let me provide a few free hints.
1) Do not fucking HIDE it. By this I mean, don’t put the damn DVD underneath a fucking plant or in an old suitcase somewhere. She will eventually stumble upon it at SOME point, and the location immediately lets her know that it’s something YOU have been trying to hide from HER.
2) Find out what movie or game you have she would absolutely never ever watch or play.
3) Stash the DVD inside that box. Do not put it underneath the movie/game itself, because then it will seem out of place again. Just put the DVD in the box. The movie or game itself, you put somewhere else, in a blank jewel case or something.
Voila. Even if, for some utterly bizarre reason she opens that box, she’ll see a DVD. She will have no desire to watch it. The end.
(Note, be careful that she doesn’t lend your shit out to someone though… That could lead to either some knowing grins from a male buddy, or total revulsion from one of her female friends. And no, that female friend is NOT going to use that knowledge to blackmail you into giving her fantastic anal sex. That kind of shit only happens on that DVD of yours.)
January 22nd, 2009 at 3:13 pm
I love this fucking blog.
January 22nd, 2009 at 3:13 pm
bahahahahaha I’d laugh so hard at a dude that put on Sade and tried to shave me his dick would go into hibernation for a solid 6 months out of shame
January 22nd, 2009 at 3:14 pm
If the mother of the 15 year old tugger would just cover her sons pillows in the same plastic covers my grandmother has on her couches, the gravy would clean up like a dry-erase board.
/Sham wow’d
January 22nd, 2009 at 3:19 pm
@WAS:
Also dude, you didn’t wait these 16-55 years of your life to have sex with a bowling ball with hair. Emotional sentiments aside, you need to have sex with an attractive woman – then worry about the attachment/diseases later!
January 22nd, 2009 at 3:26 pm
FMRA- What about Erykah Badu and a wax job?
January 22nd, 2009 at 3:28 pm
To the virgin: If you’re going to let Dyke Tirico take your cherry, make it special. Give yourself some color commentary.
“Jaws, IN A MILLION YEARS, did you ever think he would LOSE HIS VIRGINITY LIKE THIS?!?”
“Tony, I looked at the film, and it’s hard to find a more depressing first time than this in the history of Male. Female. Sexual. Relations.”
January 22nd, 2009 at 3:28 pm
Preggo sex aid = body pillow. Holding it puts her on her side and in perfect position to come in from behind.
January 22nd, 2009 at 3:40 pm
Did the sisters of Pi house ever figure out that those Tri-Lam nerds were filming them in the shower?
“We’ve got bush. We’ve got bush.”
January 22nd, 2009 at 3:40 pm
Let me clarify my original statement about shaving. I can understand a guy having a *preference* that his woman shaves or trims. That’s not a problem.
The problem comes when a guy is so disgusted with a woman’s failure to shave or trim that he can’t bring himself to go down. In the case of those guys, I stand by my original statement — you either don’t like the vadge, or you don’t like the vadge over the age of 13. I’m deeply suspicious of any man who finds a clean, disease-free (but hairy) vadge to be disgusting.
/been doing this for years, never had a flossing problem, never had a hair stuck in my throat for more than a few seconds.
January 22nd, 2009 at 3:43 pm
@Warren Moon Pie:
Absolutely. I don’t really see much accomplished under those circumstances, which sound nothing like sex, really. No other woman will accept him being so submissive, and Dyke Tirico will (nice one, 85) probably has an agenda of her own. Which is more likely, that he would be penetrated by something, that he will be unable get an erection, or both?
If the virgin just want to know what sex feels like, he would be better off buying a flank steak, putting on a condom, throwing the steak in the microwave for 30 seconds or so, then beating off with it. Or going on eros.com.
January 22nd, 2009 at 3:43 pm
To Virgin Mark: Me thinks you’re putting the lesbo pussy on a pedistal……be careful she doesn’t smash your skull in with it while you’re tied up…..or stab you with an icepick…..shit, didn’t you ever see “Basic Instinct”?
January 22nd, 2009 at 3:44 pm
@ FMRA: Whatever, lady. It worked for me. Or, more to the point, it worked for her.
January 22nd, 2009 at 3:46 pm
The fuck is a pillow sham?
A fake pillow. I mean, just a travesty of a pillow.
Otto. +1. That’s just funny.
January 22nd, 2009 at 3:49 pm
I’m waiting for Clare’s comments.
January 22nd, 2009 at 3:54 pm
Hairy pussoirs are still pussoirs dammit. Get in there and give it hell.
January 22nd, 2009 at 3:56 pm
Let She-rico have its way with the virgin. Think of it as a “character building” exercise. He can always load up on porn prior to the assault and just withdraw to a happy place.
The whole premise puts a different spin on “Slump-buster.”
January 22nd, 2009 at 4:02 pm
I don’t know what’s funnier, the Simmons jokes or the fact that one of the guys in our Vegas group texted me after reading this and said not to worry about it because we already have an escort lined up.
January 22nd, 2009 at 4:09 pm
El Duke: Nikki Avalon or Jessica Rabbit? If not one of those two, your odds of getting ripped off are rather high.
January 22nd, 2009 at 4:10 pm
@UU: Not much to address here that hasn’t been addressed already. Anal, shaving, preggo sex, lather rinse repeat.
January 22nd, 2009 at 4:11 pm
@Dieter
Flank Steak??? you think that’s healthier than getting tied up by Dyke Tirico???
January 22nd, 2009 at 4:13 pm
@FMRA – Would hancuffs and a straight razor work for you?
January 22nd, 2009 at 4:15 pm
@katni, or lather, shave, repeat.
January 22nd, 2009 at 4:22 pm
No disrespect meant, Tracer. I’m not much of a “slow and romantic” kind of gal, I suppose. More power to you for being able to pull it off.
January 22nd, 2009 at 4:22 pm
So if I understand what a sham is correctly, then this 15 year old kid is dropping loads on his own pillowcase?
January 22nd, 2009 at 4:32 pm
I’m not shocked pregnancy altered the sex life — her newly ginormous breasts have acclerated my erecto-time to instantaneous. The question I had was how to get the most out of real, doing it sex in the precious time I have left.
Sounds like straight doggy with the body pillow. After that, I need to invest in a pillow sham.
January 22nd, 2009 at 4:37 pm
RE: Mark (the virgin)
What’s Dyke Tirico’s angle here? If she’s a butch lesbian, the thought of sex with a man has to be unappealing to repellent. If she’s throwing in S&M Mistress shit, you gotta procede with serious caution. Better yet, skip her altogether.
Just finish highschool, take a couple terms of community college so you can nail some dumb chicks to get experience, then go to a four-year univeristy when you know what you’re doing.
I hope Mark the Virgin is in highschool, ’cause otherwise…fuck.
January 22nd, 2009 at 4:39 pm
@dieter
Fuck if I know. I didn’t know escorts made reservations a month in advance. I’m skeptical of that one. I might just stick with titty bars and drunk bartenders. Anybody know if that strip club run by former Nation of Domination member The Godfather is in Vegas?
January 22nd, 2009 at 4:49 pm
Sham:
3. a cover or the like for giving a thing a different outward appearance: a pillow sham.
You know how girls like to have two sets of pillows on a bed? One set you actually put your head on, and a second set that matches the duvet (a usually down-filled quilt, often with a removable cover; comforter.). So he’s probably not actually “dropping his loads” on his own pillow.
I’m not much of a “slow and romantic” kind of gal, I suppose.
Now there’s a woman after my own heart.
January 22nd, 2009 at 4:55 pm
@ farthammer. yes, that is exactly what im saying. should i get an uggo friend to try and ‘get back at her’ or should i try (and possibly modestly fail) with more hotties? this luck isnt gonna last forever… college is almost over :-/
January 22nd, 2009 at 4:57 pm
@waldo, forget revenge, bang as many hotties as possible before that well runs dry and you end up with a 5 for the rest of your life
January 22nd, 2009 at 5:06 pm
Waldo, It’s always fun to take a Porsche or Ferrari out for a ride but somehow we all end up with a Honda/toyota for the long run…………
January 22nd, 2009 at 5:09 pm
Re Mark: Make sure that when she says she’s going to fuck you, it’s not with a strap-on.
January 22nd, 2009 at 5:12 pm
@ UU – I’m beginning to think Clare has a 15 year old son who jerks it quite frequently…. all over the place…. I wonder where else he has left his mark.
January 22nd, 2009 at 5:24 pm
G’damn joe Rogan!
January 22nd, 2009 at 5:24 pm
Also, as long as there’s no fucking way I’m working on this grant any longer: there was TOTALLY an episode of Picket Fences where Cameron from “Ferris Bueller’s Day Off” got raped by a chick and she got convicted.
January 22nd, 2009 at 5:28 pm
To the virgin: Don’t bang Mike Tirlesbo (the good variations have all been taken)!.. Unless you’re older than 20 that is, in which case you should just take what you can get, cash out, and move on to hopefully better stuff. We are all hoping you’re younger than that though.
The big reason is that you don’t want to set low standards for yourself. If you start off with a dirtpig of the highest order, you will carry that stigma along for the rest of your life and I genuinely believe it will put you in a pussy rut that will be harder to get out of than merely waiting a couple months for some mediocre broad to let you bang her. If you start out with Dyke T you set a bad precedent, lower what you perceive as “average”, and then the best you can do in the future is pulling decent middle of the road broads (who you will think are hot)! And this is to say nothing of the possibility that any of your friends find out about Tirico. They will make fun of you forever, and rightly so, thus embarrassing you and eroding any morsel of confidence you could ever hope to attain …
Listen, all you have to do is find some plainish, decent, maybe even slightly above average, or underrated chick at your highschool or university, treat her semi nicely on even days, and like you are much too cool and busy for her on odd days… She will fucking you in three weeks max*#^…
* add 3 weeks to the max timeframe for every year younger than 18 she is
# stay away from religious chicks (except repressed Catholic sluts, subtract 2 weeks for them, 2.5 if you start smoking)
^ why the fuck did I spend ten minutes typing this?
January 22nd, 2009 at 5:35 pm
To the virgin, go for it. Then check in with us periodically. By the time you get a sex change and start cutting yourself, we will be on the floor laughing.
/that’s the kind of sick fucks we are.
January 22nd, 2009 at 5:58 pm
@ fmrsra
Holy shit, I remember that “Picket Fences” episode! The chick Cameron accused of raping him was Sue Ellen Mischke from “Seinfeld”. The judge was Mr. Hand from “Fast Times at Ridgemont High” and Don Cheadle was one of the lawyers.
January 22nd, 2009 at 6:29 pm
Gino- move away, slowly. from the television…
January 22nd, 2009 at 6:39 pm
RE Smaaron: For the love of cheese, don’t watch your kid coming out. Stay by the wife’s head and say that the idea of watching actual birthin’ stuff makes you feel sorta faint. She’ll just shake her head and say “Men are such pussies” with a pitying tone, but she’ll believe it. By the time anything starts coming out for the actual birth, she won’t give a fuck where you are. You could be seeing it via satellite from another state for all she cares. Also, is doggy style not working? Seems sorta obvious to me, but I’ve never been pregnant, so I could be completely clueless on that one.
RE Mark: Don’t fuck the lesbian. Don’t you live near any colleges? That’s what drunk college chicks are for. They don’t know what actual good sex is, so no performance anxiety, and they’re really slutty. They just have to be drunk enough not have very high standards, but not so drunk you would feel bad about taking advantage. And letting a lesbian tie you up with the promise of first-time sex? That sounds like the description of a very unpleasant horror movie.
January 22nd, 2009 at 6:43 pm
I have no advice for the retard who made a video of his naked SIL and then left the tape lying around for his wife to find. That kind of stupid, you usually find only in Peter King columns.
January 22nd, 2009 at 6:57 pm
And letting a lesbian tie you up with the promise of first-time sex? That sounds like the description of a very unpleasant horror movie.
I believe it was called “Misery.”
January 22nd, 2009 at 7:02 pm
The logistics of the doggy, with my future born hanging around down there, are off kilter. She needs some sort of mechanical device to grab hold of, like a pillow sham, to offset the physics of her extra mass and weight.
January 22nd, 2009 at 7:10 pm
Well, with my suggestion of doggy style to a complete stranger off the table, I’m out… sorry.
January 22nd, 2009 at 7:21 pm
im still stuck on the idea of giving it Maria Sharapova in the ass.
January 22nd, 2009 at 7:36 pm
You know it’s a good mailbag when the obligatory anal question is the one we kick around the least in the comments.
Also, to the virgin, let us know beforehand if you’re going to go through with that. If we don’t see you back here the next week, we’ll send someone to find you.
January 22nd, 2009 at 8:04 pm
OK, OK, I’m here. I was at a work thing all day today.
Mark: Don’t fuck the lesbian. Losing your virginity to a lesbian is as pathetic as a girl getting wasted on lemon drops and losing her virginity to a twinky, closeted gay dude.
R-: You videotaped your wife’s sister naked, your wife found the video, and you expect her to forgive you/still fuck you? You are an idiot of the highest order.
LaFarve: The letter from the woman with the 15-year-old isn’t me. I do not have a 15-year-old son. If I did, I would’ve had him when I was 12, and I was far too ugly and awkward an adolescent for anyone to want to have sex with me then. Or now. As it were.
January 22nd, 2009 at 8:15 pm
@El Duke:
First rule of Vegas is never gamble the first day you’re there. I’ve had a 3 day trip totally destroyed by dropping my bank roll on the first night. Yes, you can have an escort reserved a month in advance, or so I’ve heard – ahem. My advice would by to stay with the escort the first night, that way the pressure will be off and if things don’t work out with the bartenders you still hit paydirt. For strip clubs try the Palomino. Old school Vegas with full nudes and full bar. As for the gambling, it depends on your budget but what works for me is buying in with my entire budget at once. Say you have 500 for gambling, get 500 worth of chips and hit the tables. Once it’s gone it’s gone, stay away from the ATMs which are every 3 fucking feet. Also, don’t try to break the bank. If you double your buy in at any time WALK AWAY. This way you have doubled your money and have some in reserve should you decide to gamble another day or at a different casino. If this works you should be playing with house money and should never have to touch your original buy in again.
One final note, stay away from the buffets. Some of the most depressing people you will ever see.
Oh yeah, you gon drank!
January 22nd, 2009 at 9:02 pm
First rule of Vegas is never gamble the first day you’re there.
I’m going to have to sort of disagree with you there. Set aside a fixed amount to gamble with each day — you lose it, then fine, it was money you earmarked for gambling and money well spent; you win with it, and you’re riding high for the weekend.
Last time I was there I hit the poker room at the Wynn literally within ten minutes of checking into my hotel. Sat down at a 1-2 NLHE table with my predesignated $200, and within three hours got up with about $900. Trust me, there is no greater feeling than having that kind of house money to blow on a bachelor party weekend in Vegas.
January 22nd, 2009 at 9:04 pm
One final note, stay away from the buffets. Some of the most depressing people you will ever see.
On this, we agree. It’s like a Greyhound terminal with all-you-can-eat crab legs.
January 22nd, 2009 at 9:59 pm
Clare – Your sage advice in this forum over the past months led me to believe your wisdom was gained over more years than you have. I’m glad to hear you didn’t have a kid at 12.
Mr Virgin – Don’t listen to the sappy, romantic bullshit. You need to get laid. Just make sure she’s not a serial killer first.
January 22nd, 2009 at 11:20 pm
Well, I’m surprised there have been as many comments as there have been about me. Most of them involve the word ‘pathetic’ or ‘loser’ so I’m getting a big head about it…I know it might be hard to believe, but I told an entirely accurate account of the offer I received and the person giving it. Believe me, I am not that creative. So you can appropriately mock me, I am 24, and only considered this out of quiet, depressed desperation. If I had to guess my biggest problem, it’s that I have less charisma than Bill Belichick during a press conference, so the only things that would want to fuck me would have to be sex-crazed, psychotic, potentially insane people. I do not think I will go through with it, I think I might be better off a virgin for the rest of my life. Which is pretty much assured at this point, I mean, if after high school and college I couldn’t accomplish it, what hope do I have now? I mean, that’s pathetic, but not as pathetic as taking a pounding from a lesbian who in her own words ‘has a little thing for virgin men’.
Masturbation is always fun, right? Right???
January 22nd, 2009 at 11:40 pm
reviewing the common sense and breadth of experience demonstrated on this blog, it’s apparent our new president missed out on a depressingly-high number of cabinet appointments. so be it. the republic will recover. meanwhile, y’all are, collectively and individually, awesome. thanks for salvaging my thursday.
to mark the virgin: take it from a guy who misspent his youth chasing the wrong women and compromised later – never drop trou in desperation. between dumb luck (better defined as the intersection of skill and opportunity), the internet, and making the acquaintance of a member of the world’s oldest & most revered profession, you can create an initial encounter that’ll put you on the right track for all those which will follow (i recommend you find the lass who’s identified above as the poster girl for anal excursions). it’s the carpenter’s axiom: measure twice, cut once. this really is a big deal, and you owe it to yourself to do it right. oriental philosophy aside, this is your one and only life. get what you want, or scheme until you do.
as for r, he of the cecil b. demille fantasies, all i can say is this: hire the most misogynistic divorce lawyer you can find and pound on your soon-to-be ex-wife til she can’t stand up straight. (that, as a lawyer of 20 years’ licensure, is my professional opinion.) admittedly, women ain’t fungible, but you’ll find a reasonable (if not better) facisimile of your current wife. and you won’t spend the rest of your adult life in a chastity belt.
and rethink your medium back-up plans, for chrissakes.
as for football: go you fuckin avian freaks, go. the first football franchise to win 6 super bowls should NOT be one that doesn’t have any goddam cheerleaders. we don’t want to see players in victory celebrations; we want to see the trim who cheer them on.
January 22nd, 2009 at 11:42 pm
Mark: Masturbation is always fun.
You are in a challenging situation. Normally I would not deny any person sex, trust me I’ve woken up next to some disturbing sites. Your situation is different because the first time you have sex sets a benchmark from which you will always measure future encounters. Yes, it’s nice to get the virgin monkey off your back but then again if she chains you up, forces you to eat feces covered bagles and Coolwhip while administering testicular shock treatment, you may find yourself trolling the internet for Tirico looking bull dyke dominatrix types for the rest of your life.
Just looking out for you, that’s all.
Nothing wrong with a hooker.
January 22nd, 2009 at 11:51 pm
If I had to guess my biggest problem, it’s that I have less charisma than Bill Belichick during a press conference, so the only things that would want to fuck me would have to be sex-crazed, psychotic, potentially insane people.
First off, sex-crazed, psychotic, potentially insane people are terrific in bed. I guarantee that every man, woman and Belichick on this site has dated at least one complete nutjob, for a few weeks at least, just because the insane-asylum sex was so mind-blowingly amazing.
Second, and seriously here, the number one thing most women in your age range are attracted to is self-confidence. They often lack it themselves, and crave it wherever they can. This is why so many high school and college girls flock to douchebag badboys, jock-asses, and fratholes — those guys are so full of themselves they have enough to share. Women eventually wise up, but they will always want someone who’s self-confident. Not an asshole, but comfortable in his own skin. For God’s sake, keep your chin up and relax, or else this “nobody will fuck me” attitude is going to be a self-fulfilling prophesy.
January 22nd, 2009 at 11:56 pm
@K:
Two words: public sex. Seriously, ditch the stranger idea and git ‘er done in an Embassy Suites elevator at 2 am. All the thrill of being watched without the crazy drifter knowing where you live.
January 23rd, 2009 at 12:13 am
@Otto Man, You make a good point. I was speaking about someone who has never been to Vegas and from the sound of it would be there for a few days. First night is good to see the sites, grab a nice dinner, check out the clubs and scout for the best casino. Nice job with the Hold ‘em win. I am just speaking from my own personal experience when I had a room booked for 3 days and lost my gambling money in, oh about 17 minutes on the first day. If you can win some bucks the first night, it is indeed sweet.
I hear that Tryst at the Wynn is pretty nice but my best experience was at the Ghost Bar at the Palms.
Best part about buying in with a decent stake is free drinks! Tip the cocktail waitress a 5 on the first round and you will be a drooling idiot 5 hours later when you call your ex from your room and tell her “But, I always loved you, man!”
Jesus, I’m sharing too much.
January 23rd, 2009 at 12:54 am
@Mark – Everything I am saying to you is absolutely true. Keep that in mind.
There are beautiful (or at least cute) women who, for reasons of intelligence, social awkwardness, or general misfit-ness, don’t get laid nearly as often as they look like they do. I promise. They don’t wear make up, they don’t wear flashy clothes, you might not even notice they’re beautiful because they spend an inordinate amount of time staring at their shoes or chewing on their hair or nails nervously. You can occasionally find them in a coffee house or restaurants by themselves reading a book. Sometimes libraries or craft stores. These are your targets. If you can manage not to be a raging dick, you’ve probably got a pretty good shot of getting laid. Also, look for girls who might be considered “fat” in the mainstream media, but who really just have an ample figure. Built for comfort, not for speed, is what I’m saying.
Or just buy yourself a hooker, which will build your confidence, which will cause you to have more charisma. At this point I’m betting you’re in some hideous circle of realizing that you need more confidence to get laid, but the fact of your non-laid status is causing you to have ultra low confidence. Good luck and godspeed.
January 23rd, 2009 at 1:07 am
@Otto Man: That’s actually not the house’s money since the house takes a rake from poker. You had someone else’s money but it feels good either way.
January 23rd, 2009 at 1:08 am
At this point, I am seriously considering a hooker…would I want to tell her of my virginity, or not? Or should I save that for next week’s mailbag?
Also, I am (pleasantly) surprised by the useful and kind comments, I expected to be merely raked over the coals and discarded, so thanks.
January 23rd, 2009 at 1:15 am
@Smaaron: You’re an idiot. I was still fucking my husband the day before I went into labor — both pregnancies. (It helped that I believed it would induce labor.) Step aside and let Mark fuck your wife.
January 23rd, 2009 at 1:50 am
RE Mark: It’s not like you’re gonna suddenly develop self-confidence overnight, so maybe a pro is the way to go. Ordinarily wouldn’t recommend that, but if your goal is simply to get laid and you’re considering a bondage thing with a manly lesbian acquaintance as the first time, I’d say the pro is the lesser of two not-ideal situations. As long as we’re talking Vegas, maybe go to one of those there legal brothels in Nevada, maybe you’ll find a nice, reasonably attractive prostitute that you probably won’t get VD from and you won’t have to worry about getting arrested.
The truth is, many men are not very good at sex, but they don’t know it because a lot of women feel they have to lie about it or fake it. So if your stumbling block is you think you won’t be any good at it because you’ve never done it before, know that there’s a fairly large club full of dudes who are crappy in bed but don’t know it. At least you have an excuse. I’m thinking it wouldn’t be terribly difficult to find some decent-looking chick interested in deflowering you. Some women are really turned on at the idea of being some guy’s first. Not sure where you would find such women. Craig’s List? Facebook? Friend of friend? I dunno. I will guarantee you that most of the “confidence” other people have is entirely fictitious. There’s a difference between “confidence” and “asshole,” but many people don’t appear to know that. Christ, look at Peter King. He’s a well-known sportswriter and every line of text he produces is full of idiocy. Every time he submits his retarded columns, he probably thinks to himself, “Damn, I’m good.”
January 23rd, 2009 at 1:52 am
And I think Mamacita may have submitted the best comment…
January 23rd, 2009 at 1:57 am
I had a question that never really got answered and never got published, but apparently now I can use my pathetic life experiences to help others. I have no doubt that Genny’s first paragraph of advice is right on the money, but for the love of God don’t hire a hooker just to lose your virginity – it won’t give you confidence because every time you think of sex you’ll remember that you were forced to pay somebody to fuck them. That shit is many things, but a confidence booster is not one of them. I don’t know what the fuck you’ve been doing up until this point, but assuming you’re not like me and you have actually been TRYING to socialise, just keep fucking doing it – one day, when the stars align just right, maybe on Valentine’s Day if you’re out getting drunk, it’ll happen. And though I have no personal frame of reference for saying it, it will be muuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuch more satisfying than if you’d done it with a hooker. Mostly because you won’t have paid as much for the privilege.
Also, I don’t care how little charisma you think you have, you are guaranfuckingteed to be orders of magnitude better looking than I am. If the worst comes to the worst, I’ll stand next to you while you hit on girls and make you look more attractive by comparison. I’ve done it before, I can do it again.
/has actually done it before. depressing times
January 23rd, 2009 at 2:07 am
@slash:
normally, i don’t like draws, but when it comes to trying to pick between fmra & mamacita, the conclusion i keep coming back to is: they’re both the tits (& i mean that in the best possible way).
January 23rd, 2009 at 6:36 am
Mark- I’m guessing you’re one of those guys who has a lot of friends who are girls right? And you like some of these girls but they only want to be your friend? You have got to start being aggressive. When you meet a new girl that you find attractive, you should make it your goal to not end up as “just friends”. You have to try. You have to step outside your comfort zone. You’re going to fail sometimes, but once you get shot down a few times you realize it’s not a big deal. Everyone gets shot down.
I’m not buying that stuff about not having any charisma. Both of your emails/comments were very funny. Pick your head up. There are millions of women looking for a nice, funny guy. But you have to be aggressive. You have to make it clear to them that you are looking for someone to date, and that you want them in that way, not as a friend.
Everyone goes at their own pace. I’m 22, and I just lost my virginity this year to a good looking girl. All the same thoughts went through my head that are going through yours. You don’t need a hooker or a grand scheme. Have a little confidence, and TRY. You’ll get lucky soon enough.
January 23rd, 2009 at 7:33 am
I say go with the lowered expectations theme for life. Expect the worst and whatever happens won’t seem that bad. ie – Don’t realistically expect to get laid until your 30 and if you bang one out before then it’ll be sweet. In all honesty though it is all about displaying some confidence which is tough shit when you’re not. Check out some old SNL clips of Leon Phelps, the ladies mand, he help you on your way…..Hello caller what’sth your query? Oh, it’sth a ladeeey.
/prego sex is the shizzle, just try not to think about poking your unborn child in the forehead with your dick. Not that I could reach that shit anyway, but it has to be on everybody’s mind at least the first 10-75 times you nail the chick with your baby in her.
January 23rd, 2009 at 7:36 am
Sthorry, I went into Ladiesth man mode there and losth the ability to type literate sthentencthesth ta-ward tha end.
…the ladies man, he’ll help you on your way….
January 23rd, 2009 at 7:39 am
I am just speaking from my own personal experience when I had a room booked for 3 days and lost my gambling money in, oh about 17 minutes on the first day.
Oh, I completely agree with that. Again, you’ve got to set aside a limit for the day and for the whole trip and stick to them. Nothing sucks more than being in Vegas and being out of cash. It’s like being impotent at an orgy.
That’s actually not the house’s money since the house takes a rake from poker.
Yeah, I know, Johnny Literal. But it was easier to say “house money” than to say “money from a group of mildly retarded Michigan State hockey players.” You’re going to call a $100 raise on the river? Straight and flush draws on the board, and you’re bluffing with ace high? And you fucking CALL? Seriously?
January 23rd, 2009 at 8:59 am
No source for pic used?
January 23rd, 2009 at 9:35 am
@ Mark:
For Christ’s Sake, go buy yourself not one but two hookers (make sure they are bi first) and give yourself a treat most men never have the pleasure of experiencing. Don’t skimp on cost or quality…this is your virginity we’re talking about and STD’s aren’t fun…..uh, not that I would know.
On a related note, how the fuck are there two male virgins over the age of 18 in the same thread…..Does KSK target the virgin demographic or some shit? Seriously, virgins: Go find a girl, ugly or chubby doesn’t really matter at this point, and fuck her. Thank me later
@ Waiting for Anal
That’s the oldest trick in the book, buddy. Sorry to disappoint you, but there is a 98% chance that it doesn’t happen ever after said ring is on her finger and that all you will be able to do is bitch and whine about it. On the bright side, most chicks that are really into anal are whores anyways so at least you know she’s a possible keeper.
January 23rd, 2009 at 9:54 am
Come on Mark, don’t go for a pro (or Tirico)…. The other posters are right: there are about a million girls out there in coffee shops, rec league sports, around any university campus, friends of friends, etc. who may not be 9s, but are perfectly attractive if you look at them. Maybe some might be a bit larger in the stomach or ass, but that just means they probably like to drink beer. These girls rarely get hit on, and would mostly relish the attention, and want to get plowed like 98% of all women ages 18-35, but maybe just reveal it less. Nothing wrong with a slight gut, big ass, big breasts! Cast a wide net. Some things to remember:
1. ABC: always be confident. Put on the act if you aren’t. Pretend you’re acting. If things go badly, laugh it off and pretend you’re above the situation. There’s always time to cry on the inside later. You can also go deadpan with the truth, and she take it as self-deprecation. Don’t be afraid to drop stupid ballsy arrogant sounding lines, even if you feel like a fool…. If you say them with humour and confidence you attract, if you don’t, you sound creepy.
2. manufacture an opening if you’re “cold calling”: ask a pertinent-sounding question, make fun of or criticize something in your immediate environment (the rude J.A.P. at Starbucks, some notable social issue, the textbook she is reading)
3. utilize the vetting process: seek out or host social events where your friends/family will bring female friends 18-30 y/o you don’t know yet. Always employ # 1. and 2. in preliminary dealings with new girls.
Don’t go for a pro or Tirico. No more excuses about charisma or lack of confidence. Just fake the confidence for 2 weeks of fishing, you will get some bites, things will get rolling, and don’t be creepy: fight that with nonchalance and humour.
January 23rd, 2009 at 10:06 am
I think this blog has found its Rudy.
Good luck, Mark. We’re all rooting for you.
January 23rd, 2009 at 10:16 am
The hell does that make me, Rudy’s physically crippled cousin with early-early-early-onset Alzheimer’s?
…fuck.
January 23rd, 2009 at 10:53 am
No, but we can call you Corky if you like!
January 23rd, 2009 at 12:15 pm
…Corky is a better nickname that the one I had at school, I’ll take it!
January 23rd, 2009 at 12:31 pm
Mark,
-Get off your ass,
-rent 40 yo Virgin
-Watch it, Learn it, Live it
January 23rd, 2009 at 12:44 pm
R – you are fucked. YOU FLEW TO CLOSE TO THE SUN ICARUS!
Z – dude, if you want to talk about your dick go to a UFC website
Smaaron – dude, just get a hooker. They’re not only there to murder you know…
I think I’m too old for this site – you do what you would do to a dog. You rub his face in it. Sure it’s kinda fucked, but if you wipe a 15 year old’s face in his own jizz I’m pretty sure it won’t happen again (and I have lots of experience – TRUST ME. What? What are you looking at? FUCK YOU!)
“Mark” – uh-huh..SURRRRRE it’s “Mark”..I know Leitch when I read him!
Adam K – you can either just do a shit job the first time (think lots of teeth) so she won’t want you to do it again (but you need to be good with the pipe to balance it out), or straight up say “trim that shit or I’m not going down…that’s fucking gross, do you realize how fucking stinky that is?” – girls are dumb, but they think they smell worse than they do, so call em out on it.
K – address?
El Duke – bring $5,000 to throw away on top of other expenses…consider it already lost (that way if you win the trip seems extra awesome)
Waldo – go fuck a solid 6 or 7. Some girl who smiles a lot and you KNOW you’re making her year by boning her, and also – stop dating super hot girls without having something on the side. You don’t go up to bat without someone warming up on deck do you?
waiting for Anal – who the fuck says they’ve been “banging” their girlfriend for 3 years? Dude, you’re in a RELATIONSHIP. You have to watch Grey’s Anatomy and listen to her talk about a younger skank at work like the rest of us. Stick a finger in her ass when she’s on top, then when you flip her over for doggie spit on her ass then start plugging it in man. Fuck. Why do so many guys have trouble with this? It’s anal – it’s not a fucking rubix cube.
/Middle-aged woman infomercial voice – Congrats! Now you’re Both taking it in the ass. Huzzah!
(On another note, if you ever get to hook up with a hot native American woman do it. They’ve been having sex since they were like 11 years old so they know some great shit – and they’ll always do the finger in the ass while giving a BJ)
January 23rd, 2009 at 1:22 pm
Rooo-dy
Rooo-dy
Rooo-dy
/sings “Rudy Can’t Fail
//Drinking brew for breakfast
January 23rd, 2009 at 1:41 pm
@Mike D – Honest to God, if a a guy tried that flip and spit procedure with me, I’d turn right around and break his nose. That’s a permission only thing.
Y’all wanna have anal, go out and find yourself a woman who wants anal. If your woman doesn’t, suck it up like a man and buy one of those weird, disembodied porn star asses from a sex shop and keep it for when she goes shopping.
January 23rd, 2009 at 3:30 pm
Mike D, that “flip over, spit, and plug it in” move works for you? Damn. You must be hung like a hamster.
January 23rd, 2009 at 3:53 pm
MARK:
You seem like a good guy. Write back and keep us all posted. You’ve got a legion of retarded pervos rooting for you!
One piece of advice: take a dancing or cooking class. You’ll meet some girls, it’ll improve your confidence. Women love a man who can dance and can cook. It doesn’t matter if you’re terrible, if she sees you confidently trying your sincere best for her, you’re in. Good luck and happy hunting.
January 23rd, 2009 at 11:55 pm
I like how the whole “be confident and funny to get laid” thing is being thrown out there as if a] its that simple to acquire a set of balls and a sense of humor and b] I feel like Mark would’ve tried that very obvious idea by now. that being said, pick out decently attractive girls like the average coffee shop chick and just start some conversations. At first, with no intentions whatsoever. As that gets comfortable, start talking to random women with the object of picking them up in some way. And practice getting shot down. You really need to get shut out a few times to know how it is. everyone says douchebags get girls, but thats because a self-centered ass never concentrates on the time he got shot down, he just walks two feet to the left and hits on the very next girl he sees. and it works. Go figure.
January 24th, 2009 at 3:53 am
I’ve only been reading this site for a few months, but this is one of the best mailbags. I look forward to this each week. What happens during the offseason? Can we submit NFL draft/training camp questions?
Anyway- to parrot what most of you are saying- MARK, don’t lay the wood at Dykes Lumber or the Ashley Dupre wanna-be.
I used to be a shy kid up until college. The best way is to be ballsy (in terms of telling a girl straight up – I think you’re cute/if we were together I’d… etc etc) while you’re online. You’ll find that it can translate into interpersonal relationships quite easily.
It’d be cool if you kept us in the loop about everything, but at the same time it’s your personal life and you don’t have to share it. We’re rooting for you. Later.
January 24th, 2009 at 5:00 am
To the mom: The TV show ‘Weeds’ covered this better than any of us ever will.
Have him watch this http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FWzOQTFwRBE
January 24th, 2009 at 5:42 am
Mark: Wine/Beer tasting classes are another good idea. Sitting in small groups … conversation not a problem … getting drunk … and you usually meet several times over the course of a few weeks.
January 24th, 2009 at 11:47 pm
Nobody marries the ass-fuck girl.
January 26th, 2009 at 2:33 pm
Mark, go with the bartender to vegas. Escorts give a 10% discount if you double stuff them….it saves the time of having to perform twice. And at 24, Mark has never had to pay for the punani so he should have pleanty to gamble/ spend on the hooker/conwomen.
Seriously 24 and a virgin? I am 24, and by no means a Cassanova…and even i’ve slipped on some ice and fell into some pussy.