Quoth Punter: Thanks for editing yourself out of the photo, Rocco. Now I only have to crop out one face before I jerk to it.

Welcome to another disturbingly arousing edition of the KSK Football and Sex Advice Mailbag! After the jump we’ll answer such sensitive questions as when to clean the pipes, what to do about a dog who wants to join the fun, and when it’s time to retire the spooge sock (Ed. note: Immediately).

Gentlemen,

Sex: Pictured is my ex-wife. The problem is this: How do I go from such a hot piece of ass to something else? Do I hold out for similar hot ass, or start settling for less?

Football: I suck at fantasy football. Do I keep playing, or just go cold turkey?

Thanks as always.

Rocco

After months of yapping about his blond cheerleader of an ex-wife we finally get a look into Rocco’s past. Now Rocco, you certainly seem to be hung up on this particular “piece of ass” and before you move on to new conquests (date rape) I think we all need an explanation as to what the fuck happened. Did she leave you because you took her to the St. Lucia during the rainy season? I bet that’s why.

As for your fantasy question, keep playing. Every league needs a guy that will pay up year after year without the slightest chance of ever winning in the end. Here’s an analogy that might make sense.

Bait Fish : Shark :: Rocco : The Rest of the League

Gentlemen,

I broke up with my girlfriend of six months right after Thanksgiving break, and I have been on a dry spell ever since. I partly blame finals and the horrendously long winter break, but in all honesty it’s probably me just being a huge pussy. Anyhoo, there is finally another girl that actually wants to see my dick, and I really don’t want to fuck this up. I’m worried that after such a long hiatus, her just telling me to put on a condom will make me cum all over myself. I have decided that I will jerk off before we hang out to hopefully delay the inevitable early splooge. My question is: When should I “prep myself”? Too early, and all of its intentions go for naught. Too late, and I am sitting there with a limp dick and an uncomfortable explanation. I need your help.

Also, one of the members of my fantasy league decided that he didn’t want to do a fantasy playoff league because it “is going overboard.” Should he be thrown out immediately?

Thanks,
CJ

Well CJ, a lot of this depends on your own body and it’s response time. That being said, you should probably be unloading the gun around 60-90 minutes prior to meeting up with the lucky lady. As for your other question, the answer is no because fantasy playoff football is retarded.

Dear Gay Mafia,

Whenever I go over to my wife to initiate some kind of sexual contact, our dog takes it as a sign that he should start humping my leg. The most baffling part is he’s neutered. What should I do about this?

Also, should I lay the points and take Carolina this weekend or go with Arizona and hope Jesus will help Kurt Warner at least cover the spread?

All the best,
Dog-humped in Philly

The question you should be asking is why a neutered dog keeps humping your leg to begin with. If I had to guess I’d say that your dog is incredibly pissed that you cut off his nuts, and he’s determined to exact his revenge by ruining the mood during tender moments. The easiest solution is to just lock the little fucking mutt out of the room before you start getting frisky with the Mrs. Have you honestly not figured this out yet or do you live in a one room shack?

What up my man?

So really I just need the advice…but not for myself…really!
So last night I get a call from my sister who said she has a problem that she can only speak to me about. She’s cheating on her gay husband with an ex-boyfriend of hers. This ex, back in the day, used to smoke a lot of pot. So much, in fact, his penis has shrunk. As a result, he’s now insecure about the size of his junk. Primarily the reason for this is that my sister isn’t as vocal during sex as she was 8 years ago. She asked me what she can do to reassure him that his submarine sinks her battleship. Other than just saying she’s satisfied with their bang up sex life, I told her to just moan louder and all should be well with the world. She claims he’ll know she’s faking. What can I tell my sister that will let her man know his junk is enough?

I guess for football, what are the odds my Steelers make it to the Super Bowl? If they are slim, which week will I need to hide under my desk from my Cowboys-loving boss to avoid the harassment that will be inflicted upon me for a Steeler meltdown?

Run CMC, Philly

Well that’s the stupidest fucking shit I’ve ever heard. His penis hasn’t shrunk (although if it did it has absolutely nothing to do with smoking, no matter how many bong hits he’s taken) your “friend’s” vagina is getting more roomy. Did you know that rooting for the Steelers makes your snatch huge? It’s true, I totally read it somewhere!

The odds that the Steelers make it to the Super Bowl are currently set at 8/5 (source), but you can take them to win it all right now at better than 4/1. If you can get your shithead boss to give you those odds I’d jump on it. If you lose, just kick him in the nuts and tell his superiors that he groped you.

KSK,

I have a couple of interesting queries for you here:

I’ve been dating the same chick for a few years now and she’s pretty boring. Like, she sucks a mean cock and all, but outside of that, she’s pretty much a straight “do me missionary” type broad. Ya, she gives it up regularly…but I often find myself thinking about other things like:

– How much I love the job those Under Armour wipes do on the inside of my car
– That making Grilled Cheese on cheese bread would, quite possibly, be the greatest idea I’ve ever had
– How I figured out the Caramilk secret a long time ago [Ed. note: fucking Canadians]

Anywho, I’ve tried suggesting anal, threesomes, her letting me hit that shit from behind and she just doesn’t seem to want any part of it. Last week though, she caught me off guard by proposing a threesome…with her fat friend. This broad (the friend) is…well…ghastly. My girlfriend apparently feels sorry for her friend because she hasn’t gotten plowed in about 2 years…and thinks it would be “nice to help her out.” I instantly declined this invitation and suggested that her friend either a.) lose some weight or b.) find a guy who likes fat chicks.

She told me that I could do her in the a$$ (my lifelong dream) if I engaged in said threesome. I am not sure what to do here…please help! Do I close my eyes, ride the wave and bang the fatty when I want the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow? What if my girlfriend reneges on her promise and I went through such a harrowing experience for nothing? What would you do?

Also – I don’t tell many people this, but I am a 49ers fan. Should I have renewed optimism for next season after their 7-9 finish this year? Or, should I just pick a new team to cheer for?

-Matt

Under Armour makes car wipes? WE MUST PROTECT THIS HATCHBACK!

Now if your lifelong dream is to get in your wife’s rear entry you should be willing do to whatever it takes to make that happen. If your wife does renege on the deal then then would be well within your rights to divorce her and set fire to everything she has ever loved.

The only thing that could make you a worse person than your potentially anal Indian giving wife would be to switch football allegiances because your team hasn’t been competitive for the better part of a decade. Embrace the suck and wait for happier days.

KSK,

Your response to my previous mailbag question was bang-on (literally), and it also helped me to my first Championship in 10 yrs. While it’s a little pre-mature, my football question is keeper related.
– 2 keepers: – 1 QB – 1 RB – 1 RB/WR – 3WR – etc.
– Possible keepers: Cutler, DeAngelo, T. Jones, Fitzgerald, Andre Johnson
The league is WR heavy, so I’m leaning towards the 2 WR’s, but will find it hard to give up the #1 RB (who is in a time-share).

For the sexy business, here’s my issue:
Sometimes on the day after giving my wife a thorough shagging (a couple orgasms for each of us), she’s a little bitchy. I just made her vag explode (in a good way), why the attitude the next day? Is it hormonal? I’d like a serious answer on this. Maybe some of the lady commenters could give some insight.

Thanks,
FSL

I have no clue what would make your wife so bitchy, but you might consider the possibility that you aren’t rocking her world quite as much as you may think. Keep the dynamic Fitzy/Andre duo intact and try asking the wife what’s up her ass. Maybe it’s nothing, maybe she’s just naturally bitchy. If I had to guess I’d say she’s a closet lesbian.

Gents,

I love getting it on with my wife, she’s a lot of fun in the sack but, like most married American women, she doesn’t have the energy to get it on repeatedly throughout the week after working, exercising, etc. We don’t even have kids yet. Do you agree with the pre-marital counselor (preacher) that told me that beating off to porn is a type of cheating on your wife? When my wife is out of the house, I can’t help but have a heaping serving of good girl on girl action, especially involving a strap-on. Am I joining the rest of you in Hell?

Also, game time temp in Charlotte Saturday night is 40 degrees, is this enough reason to give the 10 points and take the Panthers?

Thanks,
Brad

Asking us if we agree with a pastor might be the dumbest fucking thing I’ve ever heard. Don’t let some asshole with a collar tell you that porn is wrong. Pick up a copy of Heeb Magazine’s sex issue and show him just how dirty his precious Bible really is.

There are plenty of reasons to take the points against the Cardinals, but the weather is the least of them. More on this tomorrow.

KSK,

NFL: Who is going to get kicked out of the Eagles family first: McNabb or Reid?

Sex: At what point does the line in the taintal region cross “okay, this is cool” and “I DIDN’T SIGN A WAIVER FOR THIS”.

-Chris

1. Reid
2. The insertion of digits

My favorite gay mafia,

So, my wife is pregnant. Like, 8 months pregnant. And ever since she has started to really show, I have absolutely no desire to have sex with her. Mind you, I still want to have sex as much as ever (if not more). Just not with her. But I don’t want to hurt her feelings and turn down sex with her for the first time ever. So, the last few times with her I have thought about this smoking hot 21-year old chick in my office with the most amazing body I’ve ever seen. Seriously….double D’s and a shelf for an ass. I just close my eyes and think of office girl.

So my sex question is: Should I feel guilty? Here she is, carrying my baby–and I’m thinking of someone else during sex. I mean, I know I’m a scumbag…..but should I feel guilty? Or should I just look at this situation as a temporary thing and ride it out until things are back to normal?

Oh, and my football question: Why the fuck can’t Devin Hester return kicks anymore? What the fuck? Like, seriously. Explain this to me. How do you go from 6 return TDs a season to running backwards on punts half the time?

Mike in Chicago

I’d say that feeling the slightest twinge of guilt makes you some sort of a modern day saint. If your wife is showing (and unless she’s Sarah Palin she’s certainly showing at 8 months) then you should feel fine about picturing a beautiful young thing. Now tell me more about this ass shelf.

Hester can’t return kicks anymore because he’s too busy playing receiver, the same affliction that destroyed Dante Hall. Teams need to let return men stick to what they do best (see Gray, Mel and Mitchell, Brian). If they really want to involve these playmakers in other facets of the game that’s okay, but turning a defensive back turned kick returner into a starting wide receiver is a horrible fucking idea. This is covered by the law of diminishing (punt) returns.

KSK,

1) Should the Lions go after a Schottenheimer or Shanahan as their next coach? I mean there’s no guarantee that either will win a Super Bowl, but at least they could get us to the playoffs in two or three years and that’s much better than what has been going on since Millen arrived.

2) My wife and I were having a conversation about backdoor relations and, while it has not been something I expect from her, she said if it was something that was important to me she would do it but is not something she would ask to get. Does her saying that mean it is something that she wants to do and I am just an idiot for not picking up on it? We did do it once before we were married, and she enjoyed it, but haven’t done that since. I get plenty of satisfaction from the other stuff we do, but if she wanted to do it then that would be hot!

PS If you don’t print my question, THAT’S DISRESPECT!!!!!

PPS Sorry for using such Elisha-like language but our firewall here won’t let me express myself in stronger terms.

Thanks,
Mike

First I should note that Mike’s rather prudish place of employment sounds like a headhunting firm for escort services. Now to the questions at hand.

1. The Lions don’t need to bring in some old asshole, they need an infusion of fresh blood (not unlike Count Al of Oakland).

2. Your wife totally wants it in the ass, and if she doesn’t get it from you she’ll get it on the streets.

KSK,

I have a simple, yet disturbing question.

How many times do I use the same sock to um..sock-fuck, before throwing it away? Is there a standard number or does it depend on the size of the sock and the load?

Eli or McNabb? I know, too easy, but then so are all the women in your families.

-Dave

Eli or McNabb for what? As a fantasy? As a playoff quarterback? As a lover? Maybe this is why you’re fucking a crusty stock you nasty fuck!

Thanks for sending in your questions. Until next time, stay sexified.