KSK Fantasy/Sex Advice Mailbag: Bi Week Special
Welcome to another enlightening edition of the KSK Football and Sex Advice Mailbag! After the jump we’ll delve into such topics as bi love triangles, a Rachel Maddow fetish, foodie blowjobs, and of course, the quest for anal.
Sir-
I’ve been dating my girlfriend for over 6 months; she is bi-sexual. Since the beginning, she has been very upfront about her bi-sexy nature (she also has a very cute girlfriend) but has been adamant that she would never be interested in having a threesome with said sexy friend and myself. Earlier this week, she confessed that for the past couple weeks, she has been hooking-up with her girlfriend and another guy. My question is: should I stab her repeatedly with a dull knife and then set her on fire? or should I set her on fire first and then stab her?
/consults lawyer
//keeps mouth shut
Staying on the flaming topic, do you see Brady Quinn in the starters role next season, or will he be riding his gay lovers cock on the bench again?
Much Thanks-
CP
Wow, sorry to hear that your girlfriend is a duplicitous whore. You should at least get revenge by fucking her cute little girlfriend on camera and sending her the tape. As for Brady, expect to see him under center next season, even if the play calls for a shotgun snap.
KSK,
Sex: I’ve been friends with this chick, who is Bi, for about five years now (we went to school together). She has a girlfriend and has been with her for about 2 years. Anyway after a of drinking we end up going back to my place and fucked like mad. So my question is should I feel guilty for most likely breaking up their relationship?
HAHAHAHAHAHA. No, that’s just stupid. You should probably do it again. Hell, fuck both of ‘em.
Football: I’m an Eagles fan living in AZ. Seeing how I loathe the Stillers, and I can’t stand the bandwagon hopping Cards fans, should I watch the Super Bowl or allow myself to be dragged to see Don Quixote at the theater?
-E
Are you seriously considering skipping the Super Bowl to go watch some play? Fuck that, you’re a football fan, so sack up and watch the fucking game. Drinking should help rid you of these hangups.
Gentlemen,
So I get an email this week from my friend from college detailing his most recent sexual conquest. The kid lives in the Old Town area of Chicago and hooked up with a girl he met off of Craigslist. He met her at a Jamba Juice and claims that within an hour and a half he was truckin’ her at her appartment.
Is it wrong for me to hope that my friend gets herpes or some other STD simply for the humor aspect. I mean – this could provide YEARS of entertainment, but its also a dick move.
Football: Your an NFL GM and you need a running back – who are you taking in the draft? Beanie Wells or Knowshon Moreno?
-Charlie
You’re never allowed to wish an STD upon a friend, unless said friend just fucked your whorish ex. What you should do is mock the shit out of him for bragging about getting pussy via Craigslist. A hunchbacked leper with halitosis could get laid that way.
If I’m an NFL GM I’m not drafting any running back in the first round.
Gayest of Gay Mafia,
How prescient a monkier to have, because I am writing in to say that I have a crazy, unyeilding, Mark David Champman-esque stalking festish. I want to f*ck Rachel Maddow so hard and am proud (pun inteded) of it. That’s right – dykish hair, sport jacket, super oversized uber-hipster black horn rimmed glasses (when not on camera), quiet farm life, would not do me if I could make her Secretary of State – Rachel Maddow. If you can show me a picture of any woman out there hotter and more f*ckable than Maddow, the gauntlet has been thrown (Ed. note: see below) (hint: any pics from that dude from last week who used to video his sister in lawy might help)
Here is the problem, my girlfriend, much like every other single woman on earth, hates that I find someone else bangable. Even a lesbian. In fact, probably much more so a lesbian – because all she can imagine is me doing a 3 way with two boyish chicks. She has gotten to the point where she wants sex all the time, takes me out to eat at 9pm every night and won’t even let me have the remote. She is utterly convinced that I am going to go to a witch doctor, buy some anti-gay fairy dust, fly to NYC and try to bang the HOTTEST CHICK EVERRRRR. My girl cannot get enough of my womble snout, but all I ever think about is Maddow. Is there something wrong with me?
Football question: Any chance NBC signs a unemployed Kilby to just piss on the co-anchors for the NBC Super Bowl. I mean, the guy has no talent other than being an asshat, why not boost ratings by having him taking a giant verbal dump all over the Matt Millen Experiment? Thoughts?
Corndogg
I’m not sure what would repulse Maddow more, your dick or your spelling. I don’t think I want to know what a womble snout is, and I can say unequivocally that there are many many things wrong with you.
Fortunately NBC has finally run out of chairs.
Dear homosexuals who live in my computer,
I’ve been dating a girl for three months, and I’m just getting to the point where she’s starting to annoy the shit out of me (asking me to spend time with her in lieu of watching sports, yelling at me for falling asleep immediately after sex, pouting when I shoot early, blah blah blah I’m not listening). I’m ready to break up with her and get back to my twice-daily masturbatory schedule, but this week she insinuated that there might be buttsex is our not-too-distant future. As someone who has never known the pleasures of the Chamber of Secrets, I’m wondering whether it’s worth putting up with her shrill female annoyance until I can put it in her poopin’ hole.
Football: I am a lifelong Lions fan. Should I stop watching football altogether and get into some gay shit like soccer?
-J
I hate to break it to you, but what you’re describing is called a “girlfriend”. Break up with her if that’s what you want, just be forewarned that they are all going to annoy the shit out of you from time to time. If you think you can handle a relationship then go for the anal, otherwise just get out now and go back to jerkin’ it all by your lonesome.
You sound like the exact kind of fan the Lions deserve.
KSK,
I am car-less University student and go to school a distance away from my girlfriend. For Valentine’s day though, I’m taking the trip out to see her. The day of love, her roommate will be out of town, nothing could be more perfect.
Until she informed me that she will be on her period…. What do I do? I haven’t seen her for a few months and won’t see her again for a few months after so I need some loving, but I do not want to come off as not appreciating her unless she pleases my d. Is there a way to convince her for shower sex or at least a lot of head?
Hmm for the big game… What’s your favorite Super Bowl commercial?
Thanks boys
Blowjobs, blowjobs, blowjobs, and more blowjobs.
The Orwellian nerd in me loves the 1984 ad, but the rest of me is a complete sucker for anything featuring monkeys. Of course as a football blog we have to show support for Terry Tate’s foray into office linebacking.
KSK,
Two-Parter: I hold my breath while knocking one off, usually leaving me winded when the deed is done, but with a heightened O. Am I on my way to autoerotic asphyxiation and premature death ala the front man from INXS?
Also, my nips are super sensitive, so how does one manage a mouse, a nip squeeze, and the lil’ general while browsing for the latest nasty on the Interwebs? I usually just rotate righty between the mouse and the nips, but it slows down the browsing experience. I figure I should just go straight to video, but I enjoy still pics, too. What’s a lonely guy in a basement to do (and for the commenters, yes, I’m married, and we do it regularly, just not the six times a day a healthy prostate requires…plus, one needs the mental ammo, and the wife knows and doesn’t care…side note: was in New Orleans and went to gamble, came back, and she was servicing herself to pay-per-view…WTF?).
What in the name of fuck are you babbling about? Is this Buffalo Bill? Nobody wants to hear about your man-nipples. Unless of course you can milk them.
Fantasy Football: Keeper League, which QB: Cassel (not knowing his destination/situation) or Schaub (and his penchant for missing four games a season)?
-Cory
Take Cassel and pray for Brady’s leg to fall off at the knee.
Dear Sirs,
Football:
What’s the most disgusting thing you can imagine Brenda Warner doing?
Taking a shit while straddling Bill Bidwell’s face while blowing Kurt Warner.
Sex:
How far is too far to drive for sex? Bear in mind, I’m not talking about state line prostitute sex, I’m talking about good, consensual sex with a beautiful woman. Specifically, is three hours in a car time wasted when I could beat off and be getting drunk?
Thank you for your time.
-Peter
If the sex is good, and you are sufficiently in need, then three hours is an acceptable driving distance. This is all assuming that it will not interfere with your Super Bowl viewing.
KSK,
I’ll be in Vegas with my wife over Super Bowl weekend, and our team made it (I won’t say which one, to avoid being subjected to more awful fan songs). Since we actually have a horse in this race, I’m having a hard time deciding where to lay my money. Do I bet on my team, or is that bad luck? Alternately, should I bet against my team, so that if they win I’m happy anyway and if they lose I can drown my sorrows in a pile of strippers? Finally, if I want to try taking the wife to a brothel, are my odds better if our team wins (a celebratory romp) or if they lose (a grudgefuck)?
Thanks,
Betting the Under
Normally I leave the rules to Simmons, especially with Vegas involved, but here are two that you should probably heed.
1. Never bet on or against your team in the Super Bowl (betting the under is fine).
2. Never take your wife to a brothel.
In fact, never go to a Nevada brothel at all. Unless of course you enjoy paying four-figures to fuck an ugly prostitute. You’re in Vegas, there are plenty of crazy-hot whores you can pick up for a handful of chips.
To who it won’t concern,
Football question; Should I watch Jerry Maguire before or after the Superbowl weekend, and is it acceptable that I shed a tear when Cuba was okay after the hit?
No. What the fuck is wrong with you? It’s god damn Cameron Crowe movie, not Schindler’s List.
Sex question; What is the most effective way to lure pussy this Valentines season?
Waiting in suspense,
Matt
You sound like quite the Casanova, so I’m going to suggest Craigslist. Be sure not to mention the hunchback, leprosy, or halitosis until you’ve made the date, just to be careful.
KSK,
This question would probably be best suited for Drew (Ed. note: Well too fucking bad!. It involves the two things he seems to know best: Cock and Food (Ed. note: How did you know that the rest of us are cockless anorexics?!). My wife recently decided she will only suck my cock if it involves some food wrapped/drizzled around it. We’ve done the standards (honey, chocolate syrup, whipped cream) but where do we go from there? I fucking love head and I’m not about to stop this hot streak of married blowjobs.
Football: Besides Purple Jesus, who is even worthy of a top 5 fantasy pick next year?
Thanks.
That sir, is a fantastic question. But remember, all that matters is what foods she likes. That being said, here’s a list of foods and condiments you may have not considered that should fit the bill.
1. Prosciutto – It’s a well known fact that everything tastes better wrapped in savory Italian ham, even your porker.
2. Peanut butter – If it’s good enough for the dog, it’s good enough for the wife.
3. Spicy mustard – It never hurts to add a little spice to the bedroom and/or kitchen, just ask George Costanza.
God speed, good sir. And to answer your fantasy question, Michael Turner.
Tags: All SIC, Deviant Behavior, ksk fantasy sex advice mailbag, Our readers really like anal, Sex, Unsilent Majority
![[badge]](http://cdn.ksk.uproxx.com/wp-content/themes/default/images/100121_FOXmsnBadge_200x50.gif)
January 29th, 2009 at 2:45 pm
@corndogg,
“She has gotten to the point where she wants sex all the time”
i don’t understand the problem
January 29th, 2009 at 2:53 pm
“Dear homosexuals who live in my computer,”
Not that there is anything wrong with that.
January 29th, 2009 at 2:58 pm
Corndogg…say no to Maddow. Just do it.
January 29th, 2009 at 3:00 pm
I nominate Cory’s question for further review by Clare.
January 29th, 2009 at 3:03 pm
Didn’t Frodo and Sam escape from the Womble Snout before they climbed Mt. Doom?
January 29th, 2009 at 3:05 pm
Until she informed me that she will be on her period…. What do I do?
I had a girl who absolutely craved getting it on while she was on the rag (perhaps some of the female commenters like FMRA, smurphette, slash, claire, or mamacita want to clarify on the prevalance of this desire), but obviously had difficulty getting her wish. My willingness to indulge her on this paid great dividends and the period sex was fantastic, even if it also created a mess (I bought two new comforters and washed the sheets several times while with said girl). Don’t know how your girl is, but I say you stuff her like a Thanksgiving turkey. Remember, they say that blood makes the best lubricant…
January 29th, 2009 at 3:10 pm
That picture of Rhianna has a sign behind her instructing all those making deliveries there not to blow their horn.
Screw that. If you can make a delivery there, you should be allowed to make whatever celebratory noises you want.
January 29th, 2009 at 3:11 pm
Wouldn’t know. I’m on the kind of pill where you only get your period 4 times a year and it lasts for like two days. Fuck that noise, say I.
January 29th, 2009 at 3:11 pm
ever bang a chick on the rag? It feels like you are stirring paint with your dick, not that I’m complaining.
January 29th, 2009 at 3:13 pm
As someone with first hand experience, I will tell you that there is no such thing as a bi-sexual woman. They’re all a bunch of attention whores with low self esteem who went to college instead of a strippers pole.
January 29th, 2009 at 3:13 pm
Cory’s question is screaming for a nightmare fuel tag.
Also, Rachel Maddow?!?!
January 29th, 2009 at 3:15 pm
@ UU:
A little more lubricant is never a bad thing, as long as you avoid subjecting any of your senses to it afterwards.
January 29th, 2009 at 3:16 pm
Wouldn’t spicy mustard hurt like hell?
//only ever tried breath mints….didn’t work
January 29th, 2009 at 3:16 pm
To the Blow Job Food guy: Please try warm gravy and let me know how it works out.
January 29th, 2009 at 3:18 pm
LaFavre – isn’t the warm gravy the result of using the food?
January 29th, 2009 at 3:20 pm
/vomits
//still disturbingly aroused
January 29th, 2009 at 3:20 pm
If you’re going to try prosciutto, make sure she can tell the difference between that and what lies beneath.
January 29th, 2009 at 3:21 pm
Why any married man getting regular blowjobs would complain is beyond me. With the exception of Guatemalan Insanity Peppers of Quetzlzacatenango, I don’t know that there are any foods I’d even think twice about putting on my dick if it increased my chances.
Perhaps the more important question is where did his wife pick up that trick? Has she been hanging out with any sleazy male strippers lately?
January 29th, 2009 at 3:21 pm
Oh, and thanks fellas.
January 29th, 2009 at 3:22 pm
Also, if you are in college, you’re girlfriend shouldn’t live further than a 5 minute walk. If it’s any longer one of you will end up cheating.
And please don’t tell me you’re one of those, “But we’ve been together for so long and we’re going to get married guys.” By the time you’re 30 you’ll be living on your best friend’s couch telling him how you should have fucked so and so at that party junior year. “She was so drunk and she wanted me.”
January 29th, 2009 at 3:25 pm
These questions get better every week. FMRA says fuck that noise…there you have it guys, no fucking while on the rag.
Unless she’s smoking hot and she brings her own bleach and washes your sheets for you while there. Those are the only conditions that work.
@miamidiesel: you’re one nasty bastard. Carry on sir.
January 29th, 2009 at 3:26 pm
be careful of craigslist booty calls. you might get a hunchbacked leper with halitosis, or you might get peter king wearing a favre thong…
/throws up at thought
January 29th, 2009 at 3:29 pm
@jackin: Nonsense. Maybe I’ve just gotten lucky (pun intended), but I’ve had the good fortune of being (with a few notable exceptions) with plenty of guys who not only are not disturbed by having a threesome with the Red Baron, but often initiate. And these aren’t tree-hugging drum-circling poetry-reading pansies who are in touch with their feminine side, either. That being said, sometimes I’ll be the one to suggest the shower option, because yeah, it IS messy, but let’s face it, blood and semen are both nothing more than protein-based fluids. Stop being such a pussy.
January 29th, 2009 at 3:29 pm
“Prosciutto – It’s a well known fact that everything tastes better wrapped in savory Italian ham”
capicola would be an acceptable substitute, it’s also a savory Italian ham
January 29th, 2009 at 3:29 pm
@ Fletch – sounds like you have a great story….proceed
January 29th, 2009 at 3:31 pm
Chicks get wicked horny when on the rag, so I say go for it. As MD said, you do get bonus points that can be cashed in later…say for that oh-so-desired anal that everyone here seems to desperately crave. If you can’t actually go through with the crime scene sex, I believe the proper term for the period of menstration is ‘blowjob week’.
@UU That was the most apt description ever! That is fucking hilarious AND true.
January 29th, 2009 at 3:34 pm
you’re one nasty bastard. Carry on sir.
That’s why we get along so well, j4b.
@Katni: wanna go to a quizno’s together sometime? Lemme know…
January 29th, 2009 at 3:35 pm
@miamidiesel: I’m super horny when I get my period. Probably the hormones. Also, a good orgasm helps relieve some of the muscle cramps associated with the onset of one’s period.
January 29th, 2009 at 3:35 pm
for all of you brave men who ride the Crimson Tide once a month, just know that its still possible for your lady friend/drunk whore/prostitute to get knocked up while Aunt Flo is in town.
/hears music for “The More You Know”…
January 29th, 2009 at 3:43 pm
Three words: Shower, dark towels. These are the tools that will help you get your red wings Clarence.
January 29th, 2009 at 3:47 pm
Matt: Word of caution- attempting to “lure pussy” around Valentines will often result in lonely/desperate pussy that will stick around till Easter whether you want it to or not.
January 29th, 2009 at 3:51 pm
How far is too far to drive for sex?
Mule Rule #381: No distance is too far to drive for guaranteed sex. However, if you don’t get one orgasm for each hour of driving (each way), get her to chip in on gas.
January 29th, 2009 at 3:51 pm
Anyone here ever earned “the red badge of courage”?
January 29th, 2009 at 3:53 pm
@UU: Is that the same as red wings?
January 29th, 2009 at 3:53 pm
side note: was in New Orleans and went to gamble, came back, and she was servicing herself to pay-per-view…WTF?
WTF indeed. Your girl doesn’t care that you abuse yourself while looking at porn because she’s in another room flicking her happy switch. Either accept it or maybe ask is she wants to fuck more.
January 29th, 2009 at 3:56 pm
2009 michael turner = 2007 larry johnson
January 29th, 2009 at 3:58 pm
I might have my terms mixed up, correct me if I’m wrong
red wings = banging on the rag
rboc = oral on the rag
January 29th, 2009 at 3:59 pm
Period sex beats the shit out of Mydol for getting rid of cramps. If your woman is normally the “lots of foreplay/let’s make love, honey” type if you fuck her during her period she will turn into the screaming moaning hair-grabbing JESUS CHRIST FUCK ME HARDER chick you’ve always dreamed of. Put down some towels and let the good times roll.
January 29th, 2009 at 4:00 pm
I had always heard red wings for oral, but I like yours better. Regardless, I can’t speak for the other ladies, but that is definitely where I draw the line. No downtown action until the oven is off of self-clean mode.
January 29th, 2009 at 4:02 pm
@UU and Katni: if you guys are talking about bringing by Colonel Angus while Aunt Flo is around, then yes
/things I have to do to get laid
//still better than being this guy
///would gladly brave the Red Storm for #47
January 29th, 2009 at 4:03 pm
I don’t quite see how you cherish the memory of the dead by killing another million. And, this is not combat, it’s an act of lunacy, General Sir. Personally, I think you’re a fucking idiot.
January 29th, 2009 at 4:06 pm
The tree of liberty must be refreshed from time to time with the blood of patriots and tyrants. Thomas Jefferson.
January 29th, 2009 at 4:07 pm
“Patriotism is a virtue of the vicious,” according to Oscar Wilde.
January 29th, 2009 at 4:07 pm
why was “The Rock” just quoted???
January 29th, 2009 at 4:09 pm
After the blood-fest make sure to clean-up fast..blood gets sticky and then you got yourself a hefty bat-wing going on.. and thats not good for anyone
January 29th, 2009 at 4:09 pm
My favorite part about these threads is the fact that I feel incredibly boring compared to the rest of your readers. For this, I am grateful.
January 29th, 2009 at 4:14 pm
maybe rboc should stand for red beard of courage then
January 29th, 2009 at 4:18 pm
I’m not about to kill 80,000 innocent people! Do you think I’m out of my fucking mind? We bluffed, they called it.The mission is over.
January 29th, 2009 at 4:23 pm
I drive a Volvo
January 29th, 2009 at 4:23 pm
Corndogg: Rachel Maddow? Really?
J: Do the right thing, be a grown-up and break up with her. I have a feeling she realizes it’s near the end too, because if I were dating a guy for three months, and I sensed he was pulling away from me, offering anal might be a last-ditch attempt to lure him back to me.
College boy: You, sir, are in for a treat. I too will confirm that period sex is the shiiiiiiiit. Put down an old towel, get some potato chips and Dove bars for afterward, and prepare to fuck until your dick is broken. (UU’s got it right: Red Wings for fucking on the rag, Red Badge of Courage for oral on the rag.)
Cory: Clothespins. Think about it.
Food blow job guy: If your wife will only blow you if she disguises the taste of your dick, perhaps instead of coming up with new food items for her to chow down on, you might invest in a bar of soap?
January 29th, 2009 at 4:27 pm
I’ve gone downtown while the front door was being painted, didn’t know it of course (dark, really drunk), but I still got that nut. Oh YEAH!!!!
January 29th, 2009 at 4:28 pm
@Clare: There you are!
Also, regarding J, I realize I’m only hearing one side of this, but there are other girls out there who aren’t nearly as shrill/clingy as you claim she is. Find one of ‘em and date her instead. But yes- ditch the current one first.
January 29th, 2009 at 4:31 pm
The Red Wings are a bunch of pussy faghags (North Stars for life), but getting your Red Wings is a real man’s treat. Go for it, dude, and tell her Coach sent you.
January 29th, 2009 at 4:36 pm
I’ll point out that every chick on here who has a regular period has confirmed that she loves period sex. I would also mention that every girl I’ve been with since the one who introduced me to this phenomena has also desired, enjoyed, and rewarded period sex immensely. So College boy, if you’re reading, get yourself some latex supplies and one of those ‘Biohazard’ disposal bags and get busy, my friend.
January 29th, 2009 at 4:39 pm
when it comes to banging broads on the rag, a wise man told me, a little blood never hurt the butcher
January 29th, 2009 at 4:46 pm
I guess I’ll be the lone voice against period sex. I’m clearly in the minority, though. Your girlfriend should look into one of those no-period pills like FMRA suggested; they are, in fact, the shizz. You’ll have lots more sex to look forward to … until that one week every now-and-then when her period comes and she tries to ax-murder you. Sleep with one eye open.
January 29th, 2009 at 4:47 pm
Period sex guy: You said you’re going to see her. You’re not even messing up your sheets. Rock on. If you’re not cheating on her at college, you’d be a complete dumbfuck to pass up any sex.
January 29th, 2009 at 4:52 pm
The things one find when reading the sex/football mailbag.
CP: bang the cute girlfriend then bail.
E: Wait…are you the other guy who’s banging CP’s girl?
Charlie: Craigslist sex is nothing to be proud of. Make fun of his ass.
Corndogg: I know what you mean. I think Rachel Maddow could break a dick off from riding it!
J: That insinuation of buttsecks is a tease to keep you in. No buttsecks for you!
Unnamed: Ride the Red River. Just do it on someone else’s bed.
Cory: Sounds like you and the wife want lots of sex…just not with each other.
Unnamed 2: Good sex with a beautiful woman? Is this the plot to some comedy?
Betting: Don’t gamble on your team and don’t take the wife to a brothel.
Matt: Do you have $100? Do you not care to what the pussy is attached to?
Unnamed 3: Yogurt, Mousse, nacho cheese (let it cool!), pasta noodles
January 29th, 2009 at 4:57 pm
@mamacita: Unless she’s one of those unfortunate women (ahem) who absolutely can’t abide any sort of hormonal birth control because it makes her a stark-raving lunatic who isn’t even interested in sex anyway. Worth a try though! Make sure she experiments with it after Valentines.
January 29th, 2009 at 5:05 pm
Matt: Stay single. Go out and get hammered on Valentine’s Day. All the other single girls in the world (who aren’t sitting at home, eating disgustingly garlicky shrimp scampi and drinking bourbon, and using every ounce of willpower not to email the boy who acted like he liked her but fell off the face of the earth, NOT THAT I KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT THAT) are out looking to get laid on Valentine’s Day. If you’re at all decent looking you should be able to pull some similarly single tail on February 14.
Katni: Some of us have to work, you know.
Addendum to College Boy: I will also add that blood doesn’t always make the best lube and spit won’t get the job done either, so be prepared and bring your own. None of that cheap shit they sell in the condom aisle at CVS, order something good like Sliquid or BabeLube.
January 29th, 2009 at 5:15 pm
Make sure your girl on the rag isn’t drunk and forgets to take out her tampon, somehow. That’s nothing I ever want to see again.
January 29th, 2009 at 5:17 pm
Most disgusting thing, and you didn’t mention Brenda tossing Madden’s salad?
January 29th, 2009 at 5:21 pm
College Kid: Don’t be a pussy. Get your Clown Face on. You’ll be glad you did!
January 29th, 2009 at 5:22 pm
@ Fitz: Why were you watching? That’s for her to deal with after you fall asleep.
January 29th, 2009 at 5:25 pm
Screwing a girl on the rag is like participating in Rambo II: lots of blood and dead slants.
January 29th, 2009 at 5:25 pm
Got to agree……period sex is the shit. But not as good as the holy grail……anal
January 29th, 2009 at 5:29 pm
@Clare, seriously, don’t call a boy. Find a man who knows that scampi and bourbon (and Prosciutto) and gifts from the gods and have some fun. How on earth are you single? Is it Delaware?
/I will affirm that red wing sex is mind-blowing and definitely eases cramps and mood swings
January 29th, 2009 at 5:33 pm
dammit! ‘ARE gifts from the gods.’
/what is wrong with my brain that it only sees typos after the comment is sent?
//going back to poisoning brain with alcohol
January 29th, 2009 at 5:51 pm
Don’t call him, Clare. He’s probably a KSK reader anyway.
January 29th, 2009 at 5:53 pm
Punching bloody kittens is OK as long as you don’t use your hands. I would rather hump Rachel Maddow in a Phillip Rivers mouth-eyes mask than ever have my fingers come in contact with the speleothem formed from the dried blood of a vagina.
January 29th, 2009 at 5:56 pm
Um, yeah, I’m with mamacita on this one. But if this is your only shot at gettin’ any, I guess go ahead.
I don’t even want to discuss “red wings” – the very idea grosses me out and I’m a chick.
January 29th, 2009 at 6:03 pm
As one who has “parted the red sea” on more than a few occasions, there is something very dirty yet highly erotic about it.
January 29th, 2009 at 6:14 pm
Hey, just checking in to see what…
/vomits
Seriously, why was the Rock quoted? That part perplexed me.
//vomits again
January 29th, 2009 at 6:17 pm
@Maker’s Mark: That’s some weird logic, guy. I won’t touch period blood, but I’ll stick my dick in it? Dude. If you’re that turned off by it, you can wash your hands afterward, y’know.
January 29th, 2009 at 6:20 pm
damn, this column always makes my Thursdays. Even more than jerkin’ it to Pam from the Office.
/and yes, sometimes Angela
January 29th, 2009 at 6:24 pm
“every chick on here who has a regular period has confirmed that she loves period sex. ”
add me to that list
/clearly there’s now more women on here than some of you seem to want to remember
//shoutout to Boatdrinks and the others
January 29th, 2009 at 6:44 pm
To Cock and Food: I recommend La Lechera, which is sweetened condensed milk. http://www.lalechera.com/EN/Public/Default.aspx
January 29th, 2009 at 7:31 pm
@Clare: Period sex is great, i just didn’t like putting my fingers in a vagina that felt like it was coated by chunks of the stuff they put under the chocolate of a Butterfinger bar.
January 29th, 2009 at 7:58 pm
Yep. Period sex certainly has its upsides, but heavy plating sure ain’t one of ‘em.
January 29th, 2009 at 8:22 pm
I have indeed earned my RBOC. First time during a one night stand as a young impressionable youth (dark and drunk) I found out the next morning. To trigger your gag reflex, I also received the clap from the same girl.
As I have aged I have learned that you can give the happy button a tongue twirly during the presence of the red tide if you use proper technique and hand placement. You will receive undying admiration from your partner for both your dedication and ingenuity.
@RBP: Damn, nacho cheese sauce is fucking brilliant!
January 29th, 2009 at 8:28 pm
What, 80 posts and no one asks about the two women at the top?
January 29th, 2009 at 8:29 pm
Go ahead Clare, email him. Be confident and agressive, if he can’t appreciate someone as smart and amusing as you, fuck him.
January 29th, 2009 at 8:49 pm
Yes it’s true. I’m a chick and I like getting it on my period. Unless I’m having cramps, it doesn’t really seem to help like some of the other ladies say. Besides, it’s not that difficult or gross, especially if you have easy shower access.
Step 1. Put down old towel.
Step 2. Have sex on old towel.
Step 3. Throw towel in laundry basket.
January 29th, 2009 at 8:54 pm
Dan From Chicago: It gets you off because they tell you you shouldn’t be doing it. (See, e.g., anal.)
College Boy: News flash – if you’re at all squeamish about getting down after not seeing her for a couple of months, you don’t appreciate her “unless she pleases your d.” Man up and get the job done, by any means necessary.
Clare: Don’t email him. He doesn’t get it; so he shouldn’t.
January 29th, 2009 at 9:23 pm
Man, I can’t believe how many ladies enjoy the period sex and how men fellas enjoy giving it to them. My ex-girlfriend thought I was a freak when I told her I was happy to provide her some Pelvic Midol when it was her time of the month.
Then again, maybe it wasn’t the period sex so much as my habit of taking the blood and finger painting Asian symbols on my chest with it so I could walk into the living room after all the post-coital bullshit was over and show my roommates my War Paint.
January 29th, 2009 at 9:47 pm
@Lurker — If the ladies in the photo were really bi, they would have their mouths open.
January 29th, 2009 at 10:03 pm
And what would happen next, mamacita?
January 29th, 2009 at 10:09 pm
Come on! I need closure to that anecdote!
January 29th, 2009 at 10:24 pm
Well, their shirts look awfully constricting.
January 29th, 2009 at 10:30 pm
There are a surprising amount of women on this site.
However, that’s not why I’m here.
Riding the Red Tide is a time honored tradition. As has been said, put down towels and hang on.
There are two kinds of bi-sexual. There is the “I’m not nearly attractive enough to get it consistently from one sex or the other so I roll the dice with both” kind and the “I have extreme daddy issues and no gag reflex” kind. The first kind you’re not interested in, and the second kind will cheat on you with everything and anything that comes along.
Craigslist in Chicago is hit and miss. There are some girls that are genuinely sweet, beautiful, and all that shit, but most of them are total landbeasts. However, an hour and a half seems high. 45 minutes sounds about right.
January 29th, 2009 at 11:01 pm
The brunette in the pic sure looks like she gives good nasal. Check out the penetration! It’s like a fullback hitting the hole and picking up five.
January 29th, 2009 at 11:15 pm
I’m with mamacita and slash. The idea of having sex during those few days totally gives me the creeps. There are plenty of other ways to get (each other) off during those 4 or 5 days every month. I don’t get cramps or mood swings or PMS, so it wouldn’t have those side benefits for me anyway.
January 29th, 2009 at 11:21 pm
No no. The grossest thing Brenda Warner did was take out her cock and explained that “this is how it’s gonna be from now on boyyyyyys.”
It really explains so much.
January 30th, 2009 at 12:12 am
period sex is great when you know that’s what you’re doing…
but if you’re hooking up with a girl for the 1st time, can’t get in because she says you’re too big and you go home with a shit eating grin on your face, only to turn on the lights and see that your dick looks like the alien that exploded through that guys chest, the wings es no bueno…
fucking russian girls…
January 30th, 2009 at 12:43 am
Period sex is awesome. Put down a towel or do it in the shower. She’ll appreciate you being ok with it. The sex will be great. She’ll feel more comfortable about ‘gross’ sex in general. It’ll help you move towards the ‘holy grail’ of anal, which is something else it’s easier to convince a girl to do during her period.
January 30th, 2009 at 12:44 am
Food Blowjobs:
Try jalepenos, mint choco chip ice cream, lemons………..really anything that gets the saliva flowing.
If it leaves your nuts soaking wet, it must have been fun.
January 30th, 2009 at 1:03 am
Stop being such a pussy
Well I am what I eat. OHHHHHHHH! Da-dum-ching! I’ll be here all week.
Listen, I’ve won the Red River showdown many a time as an unmarried man, I never did like it, but when you’re not married sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do. As a married man, I don’t have to hear that noise and the wife doesn’t want it with Aunt Flo around so it works just fine. Did I mention she’s a football fan too? Anyway, I’ll keep the magnum holstered for a few days until her friend packs her shit and leaves. Getting those big-O’s post-period is always worth it. Trust me on this one.
I’M A MAN…I’M…NOT QUITE 40!!!
January 30th, 2009 at 1:37 am
so,females are hornier on the rag? that will explain how i got with my hot ex-gf last week……hold on,im going to ask her…..
January 30th, 2009 at 1:39 am
ouch,got yelled at for that one…..anyways,blood sex is cool,but dont do it drunk and pass out.its scary when you wake up the next morning with dried blood on your dick and for a brief time dont remember why.FACT
January 30th, 2009 at 2:30 am
If your girl asks you to nail her while she’s on the rag, you should man up and nail her. I’ve surfed the Red Tide often myself, and I really don’t understand what the big deal is. It’s not really all that different from doing it any other time, so it’s not exactly MORE pleasurable, but you’re still having sex, and what exactly is the downside about that?
Plus, girls who want it while they’re on the rag tend to be VERY appreciative if you help them out.
And if the idea of blood on your cock freaks you out that much :
A) You are probably on your period yourself, you fucking pussy
B) Stumble to the shower once you two are done, don’t look down, and take a full-on blast of water for a minute or so. All evidence removed, you live happily ever after, the end.
Oh, and yes, I’ve earned the Red Badge of Courage. Though I gotta admit that does worry me a little in the back of my mind purely for hygene purposes. But hey, Those Who Ask And Receive Tend To Be More Giving When You Ask Of Them.
Ie, you do the red badge of courage (or the plain old plowing), and you might get the answer you want next time you’re playfully (uhuh) suggesting you stick it up her ass.
January 30th, 2009 at 2:51 am
and did i see someone mention autoerotic asphyxiation?
http://www.getreading.co.uk/news/s/2043884_man_died_after_sex_act_went_wrong
January 30th, 2009 at 4:27 am
So has anyone out there earned their Yellow Badge of Courage?
Anyone? Anyone?
/Ok, I’ll show myself out….
January 30th, 2009 at 7:05 am
Yellow Badge of Courage?
Is that eating an Asian girl’s pussy when she’s on the rag?
If so, yes I have. If you’re speaking of some sort of water sports activity, then I’ll have to throw in with the “nay” camp.
January 30th, 2009 at 9:28 am
I’m really surprised at how many girls have sex during that time of the month; I could never do it. One guy I was with insisted that it didn’t bother him and wanted to, but I can’t bring myself to be comfortable with that. It’s called blow job week for a reason! =P
January 30th, 2009 at 10:46 am
With my wife, it’s not even a question. We don’t hesitate to ride the red tide. Although, as one who reaches the hights (depths?) of the holy grail with blessed regularity, I must say I haven’t seen any correlation between the two events.
January 30th, 2009 at 11:54 am
@ obi
though, as one who reaches the hights (depths?) of the holy grail with blessed regularity
We all hate you.
January 30th, 2009 at 12:00 pm
Obi just has a little dick so it doesn’t bother his wife, that’s all.
/should we still be jealous?
January 30th, 2009 at 12:28 pm
When I was freshman in college I took a strange home and we were both pretty soused. She wouldn’t fuck but drunken, awkward white people fooling around ensued. My last memory of the night before I blacked out was getting ready to eat her out. I woke up the next morning and had high-tailed it out so fast that she left the front door of my apartment wide open. I felt pretty relieved that I wouldn’t have to deal with the awkwardness of a morning after with some random girl whose name I had absolutely no way (or desire) of knowing. The feeling of relief was immediately erased when I looked in the mirror in my bathroom.
I had a perfect, dark red, early 90s goattee. Unfortunately, I didn’t get to admire it for it too long as it immediately caused projectile vomiting directly onto the mirror and counter in the bathroom. After vomiting, I realized I had mistakenly walked into my roommate’s bathroom after shutting the front door. The sound of vomiting not caused by him or one of his guests awakened him and he foolishly got up to check it out the commotion. The door to the bathroom from his room flies open and the sight of a very surprised, mini-Mark McGwire with rebound-vomit splattered on his face caused him to vomit as well.
That was one hell of clean up.
January 30th, 2009 at 12:48 pm
I suggest that the ladies of KSK start their own sex advice blog for us to partake in.
January 30th, 2009 at 12:51 pm
@mamacita: she could also be one of those unfortunate girls who was on said awesome 4 periods a year birth controls but was subject to the might cause a blood clot and now hates people who can be on said awesome birth control. Yes, that does actually happen.
January 30th, 2009 at 1:14 pm
@meghan: are there any more risks to taking that kind of pill vs regular birth control? I thought there was a risk of blood clots regardless (especially with age/if you smoke). is there an additional risk with the 4 a year kind?
Getting my period every month is kinda reassuring. I mean I bet those pills are awesome, but if you mess up taking it and somehow get pregnant, aren’t you worried about not finding out until a few months in? I set an alarm to take mine every day and I’m good about it, but I like knowing for sure that there’s no bun in the oven every month. =P
January 30th, 2009 at 1:28 pm
Gary, this isn’t Penthouse forum.
January 30th, 2009 at 1:30 pm
wait… in my house, period days are blowjob days. usually on a 2:1 ratio, ’cause my jaw gets tired watching.
oh, and the women here are fucking whores. awesome!
January 30th, 2009 at 1:34 pm
@LouistheLipps
+3 for “War Paint” – outstanding
@ Gary Nightwagon
+2 for making me piss myself laughing
-1 for kinda making me throw up in my mouth a little bit
January 30th, 2009 at 2:01 pm
@dAndy,
Although size matters….in this case mine will be buried deep in hallowed ground……whether small, medium, or large.
January 30th, 2009 at 2:29 pm
Gary nightwagon, That’s a hell of a story.
Fellas, throw a towel down. Why would you subject your sheets and comforter to that? Are you retarded?
Also, just wear a jimmy hat, easier cleanup.
So many women on ksk. It’s absurd.
January 30th, 2009 at 3:23 pm
But it’s YOUR DOG!
January 30th, 2009 at 4:08 pm
Corndog: God yes. I don’t even care if she wants to be the man in the relationship. I just want her to be slightly condescending and whimsical while I fuck her/she makes me a woman.
re Aunt Flo: Aunt Flo showed up DURING a lovemaking session. My dear sweet ex got very embarrassed and ran away. I just thought it tickled.
January 30th, 2009 at 8:54 pm
So, I’m way late to the party but I’m “nay” on period sex. But I’m also on the 4 periods a year pill so it’s not really an issue to ask a guy to go all of 12-20 days per YEAR when we have to be content with scrabble and movies. Especially because I will literally have sex every single day if it’s good and the guy’s up for it.
And having an orgasm on or around my period actually triggers my (insanely painful and labour like) cramps, so I must be wired wrong.
April 6th, 2009 at 11:23 pm
after reading food-bj guy, one thing would not leave my thoughts.
The scene in Slumdog Millionaire where the kid runs to the shower, screaming, as the rest chant “CHILLY ON HIS WILLY, CHILLY ON HIS WILLY”
July 11th, 2009 at 7:48 pm
Can you provide more information on this?