KSK Celebrity Pickkake: Vince the ShamWow! Guy
The celebrity Super Bowl pick is a time-honored tradition, one we at KSK are super fucking excited to be a part of, as we have in the past. For the next two weeks, stars from the world of entertainment, politics, and more will drop by to make their picks for the big game in Tampa! Up next, it’s the cockweasel from the ShamWow! ads.
Hi, it’s Vince with ShamWow! I’m here to tell you about an amazing new product called the Arizona Cardinals. This team can do it all, and all for a low low price you simply have to see to believe. Whether you’re looking for thrilling trick plays, an opportunistic defense, or a scrappy underdog they have everything you need in a rooting interest for this year’s Super Bowl. I mean come on, think of the alternative!
Just look at those Terrible Towels, THE NAME SAYS IT ALL, PEOPLE! Would you trust some overpriced threadbare cloth to absorb all of that thigh sweat? It can’t work wet! What you need for a job like that is an officially licensed Arizona Cardinals ShamWow!
Is that robo-fluid leaking out of Anquan Boldin or is he just crying on the sidelines? Don’t even worry about it, because the Arizona Cardinals ShamWow can suck them up like a vacuum.
Now keep in mind, this piece of high performance engineering is made in Germany, so you know it’s gonna be awesome! Much like fascism, the Germans didn’t invent the sham, but they certainly gave it the WOW! factor that you’ve been looking for in a multi-purpose Super Bowl novelty towel.
Tags: celebrity super bowl pick bukkake, Photoshop by Punter, ShamDouche!, Unsilent Majority
January 21st, 2009 at 3:09 pm
Vince, there’s a Mr. Leitch on line 1, wants to know if you can substitute a buzzsaw for the cardinal design and still get it for $19.99. He says he’s got his friend’s new ass tattoo if you need a stencil.
January 21st, 2009 at 3:11 pm
I use a sham wow! for a jizz rag.
January 21st, 2009 at 3:11 pm
I’m really disappointed you didn’t work in a “You’re gonna love my nuts” reference.
January 21st, 2009 at 3:14 pm
But you gotta call now cause we can’t do this all day.
/cooks meth
//smokes meth
January 21st, 2009 at 3:18 pm
are you followin’ me here, blogger guy?
January 21st, 2009 at 3:22 pm
This is gonna be a great 2 weeks.
/Forgot about Fitzy’s green blood.
January 21st, 2009 at 3:24 pm
Does this mean i will be able to get an official Steelers Snuggie?
January 21st, 2009 at 3:25 pm
Dude. I bet this guy’s O-face is TERRIFYING.
January 21st, 2009 at 3:28 pm
Ya betting 50,100,200 dollars on the Steelers,ya throwin ya money away….
January 21st, 2009 at 3:32 pm
If the Night Man has a face, Vince is it.
January 21st, 2009 at 3:35 pm
@normmac: you stole my line. I was gonna say he looked like an inbred meth addict with a faggy little mohawk. He can’t do this all day because he’s gotta go toke up at some point.
January 21st, 2009 at 3:35 pm
I believe he is saying in that picture “I am Cornholio”
January 21st, 2009 at 3:37 pm
I can’t decide if he looks more like the creature from Alien or a raptor from Jurassic Park.
January 21st, 2009 at 3:38 pm
@FMRA: Found it.
January 21st, 2009 at 3:38 pm
I would love to see Billy Mays kick this guys ass.
January 21st, 2009 at 3:39 pm
I’m not even pushing down on it and look how it soaks up the tears of all those Stiller fans. Wring it out into a cup and you can enjoy those sweet tears now or whenever.
I don’t know, this thing sells itself. Like a crack whore needing a fix.
January 21st, 2009 at 3:40 pm
“don’t forget to bring a towel”
-Towelie
January 21st, 2009 at 3:42 pm
Douchy as this dude may be, he’s still a 100 times better than that OxyClean asshole.
January 21st, 2009 at 3:44 pm
@UU…
Yeah, I’ve heard that the biggest problem with the ShamWow is sometimes it gets high and just sort of wanders off.
January 21st, 2009 at 3:46 pm
WHY ARE YOU WEARING A HEADSET!!?? WHY??!?!?!?!?
January 21st, 2009 at 3:47 pm
@2port
They discontinued the Steeler Snuggie because the average Steeler fan complained that it was too restricting.
January 21st, 2009 at 3:48 pm
@stealofthedraft
The best part is that that OxyClean asshole is from PITTSBURGH! WOO HOO!!!
Oh, and thanks to the magic of StumbleUpon, I learned earlier today that the Sham-wow guy is an ex-Scientologist who tried to make a movie, and the movie was so bad that the church threw him out.
January 21st, 2009 at 3:48 pm
Soft enough to caress a baby, strong enough to smother it
January 21st, 2009 at 3:50 pm
Don’t forget to bring a sham wow!
January 21st, 2009 at 3:52 pm
From Wikipedia:
In 1999 Offer released the Underground Comedy Movie to scathing reviews. Lawrence Van Gelder of the New York Times described the movie as “a series of sketches built around subjects like masturbation, defecation, alienation, urination, necrophilia, voyeurism, casual brutality and mockery of the unfortunate.”
And apparently Anna Nicole Smith backed out because she said the movie would hurt her career. Ouch.
January 21st, 2009 at 3:52 pm
Are they going to make a Cardinals Wunder Boner? My wife would like that!
January 21st, 2009 at 3:52 pm
Looks like Fire Marshall Bill after a skin graft and lots of BoTox.
January 21st, 2009 at 3:53 pm
Keep that towel away from Drew!!
@steal of the draft… no way, no fucking way. Equal perhaps, but certainly not a distant second to the OxyClean hairball.
January 21st, 2009 at 3:54 pm
I didn’t know Jim Carrey did infomercials now?
Also, if it’s not illegal (in Texas it’s 17), let me get the girl in the middle with Big Ben’s jersey on…she’s got some nice teeth.
January 21st, 2009 at 3:55 pm
@Francois Leroux Speedskater:
But Tom Cruise gets a free pass!?!?!?!
January 21st, 2009 at 3:57 pm
I’m pretty sure this is the only man in America who’d even give Leitch a challenge in a douche-off.
/Leitch still wins going away
//until Ape’s next Steelers post
January 21st, 2009 at 3:59 pm
RE Upstate Underdog Says:
January 21st, 2009 at 3:38 pm
“I would love to see Billy Mays kick this guys ass.”
I would love to see both of them – plus those asswipes from the freedcreditreport.com ads – being run over by a thresher. Or being fed head-first into a wood chipper. Either one is fine with me.
Also, I think of the Nazis every time he mentions that the product is made in Germany, so you know it’s good, and then I add (in my head) the ending, “just like their world-famous gas chambers and ovens.”
I don’t even feel bad about that.
January 21st, 2009 at 4:00 pm
ShamWow guy vs. OxyClean guy = InfoCommercial Flame War or InfComFlaWa
January 21st, 2009 at 4:01 pm
Vince’s haircut comes from the magic of Ronco’s Spray-On Douche Hair!
January 21st, 2009 at 4:01 pm
RE El Duke Says:
“They discontinued the Steeler Snuggie because the average Steeler fan complained that it was too restricting.”
No, no, no, they discontinued it because the Steeler fans found it was even more difficult to operate than a blanket.
January 21st, 2009 at 4:05 pm
I heard this guy gets paid in live goats. He just unhinges his jaw and swallows the whole damn animal.
January 21st, 2009 at 4:09 pm
He just unhinges his jaw and swallows the whole damn animal.
You think he needs to unhinge it?
January 21st, 2009 at 4:11 pm
you gotta do some research on this guy, he’s a total weeeeirdo.
also, go slapchop: YOU’RE GONNA LOVE MY NUTS!
January 21st, 2009 at 4:11 pm
Know why we haven’t seen Newman from “Seinfeld” lately? Vince spat corrosive acid on his face and ate him. True Story.
January 21st, 2009 at 4:13 pm
Doesn’t work like on the commercial.
True story.
January 21st, 2009 at 4:29 pm
@Rocco
You mean you can’t just barely lay it on a carpet and have it soak up a half gallon of liquid? Including the shit under the carpet it didn’t even touch? Amazing!
January 21st, 2009 at 4:44 pm
The Sham-Wow! is just a bunch of Snuggies cut into squares.
January 21st, 2009 at 4:54 pm
Tim Couch uses the sham-wow to clean up after his numerous and varied sexual conquests.
True story.
January 21st, 2009 at 5:07 pm
What the hell’s this guy doing making picks? He isn’t a celebrity. Dude’s a snitch!
January 21st, 2009 at 5:57 pm
this lock-jawed,wirey tweaker gets paid in meth and burnt light bulbs.
January 21st, 2009 at 5:58 pm
and as far as those girls-thickness…..
January 21st, 2009 at 6:01 pm
at least the oxyclean guy’s got a product that works. for that reason, i postponed hating him until he took a break from making crappy infomercials for himself and began making crappy infomercials for ESPN.
for that, in spite of the fact that his product has rescued several of my favorite piece of clothing from wine, vomit, and assorted other stains, i would pay to see him and vince starved for five days, each given half a vial of acid and a rusty hatchet, and locked in a dim room. i’d pay double if you threw in the cash-for-gold fuckers, and the douche from j.g. wentworth (”it’s my money, and i want it NOW!–at an interest rate that only desperate or mentally damaged persons would agree to!”).
January 21st, 2009 at 7:34 pm
I’ve said this a thousand times: Kurt Warner is a pussy. Hit him a couple of times and he reveals himself as the world’s largest free floating vagina.
His wife is more of a man.
January 21st, 2009 at 7:49 pm
if he can do it with his finger,you can do it with your whole hand
January 21st, 2009 at 9:57 pm
i hear this reincarnation of alfalfa has landed a gig as the 43rd president’s new media relations guy. true story.
January 21st, 2009 at 10:47 pm
FACT. faux hawks are for fgs. FACT
January 21st, 2009 at 10:48 pm
fags.fuck!
January 22nd, 2009 at 3:24 am
Vince is probably quite fond of German-made porn. You know the Germans always make good stuff!
January 22nd, 2009 at 8:55 am
Ron Popiel is so fucking jealous of Vince and Billy.
January 22nd, 2009 at 1:34 pm
Its not obvious in that pic, but Vince definately has a Stu Scott Lazy eye thing going on. Not the discolored, dead fish thing, not yet anyawy, but he’s definatey on his way. Stu Scott circa 2003 maybe.
January 22nd, 2009 at 10:28 pm
@richromance
me bitchslap you long time. maybe most other regulars on this site want to also?
begin blogosphere reclamation project now. talk about your turnshovel operations.
January 23rd, 2009 at 12:57 pm
Ah I won’t lie…I like that Vince guy. He’s got pluck.
March 28th, 2009 at 10:53 pm
at least he can beat up a prostitute
http://gawker.com/5187540/shamwow-guy-beats-up-cannibal-hooker