[Prelude of Bach's Cello Suite Number 1 overlay]

It’s no surprise that Super Bowl spots are getting more expensive these days.

Hi. I’m Dan Hesse, CEO of Sprint.

Given how much companies are pouring into these commercials, wouldn’t you think they would make the ads more appealing than dragging out their CEO and giving him a false sense of gravitas by filming him in black and white with classical music swelling in the background?

You would think that, wouldn’t you? You probably don’t even have the Simply Everything Plan.

If you did, you would realize what truly amazing things these devices can do. Look, they even have cello music as a ringtone. And they can accurately predict the outcome of the Super Bowl.

You just hit, uh, this one. Nope. Hmm. Seems to not be working right now.

Anyway, I don’t know who’s going to win the Super Bowl. I do know that the wireless revolution is afoot. And that my ads will run exactly five hundred fucking thousand times during the broadcast. So I guess the winner is me.

I also think you’ll enjoy a half-naked Florio storming the field with Sprint tattoos covering his body. Because security probably won’t. Stay clear of James Harrison, Mike.