In Which Peter King Discovers The Sudden Ascendancy Of Ugg Boots
I had a fucking miserable week last week. Every time I finished an assignment at work, every time I had finally been able to move one goddamn thing off the ginormous pile of shit that had been dumped on me, it would come roaring right back at me with new and hideous revisions. “Hey Drew, I have just a few slight tweaks for you. Could you make this into something completely different and unrecognizable? And could you give me seven different versions of it? And could you make it be more about torque wrenches?” GAHHHHHH GET IT AWAY FROM ME!
I suppose it’s unfair of me to take out all this hostile aggression on Peter King. Sometimes, I think my anger is really MY problem, a fundamental flaw in my character that I should confront and address, rather than displace onto to other people, who I do not know. And then I read something like this…
f. My one and only piece of wisdom for the week: Go to the Grand Ole Opry before you die.
And I realize, no. My anger is justified. I am not flawed. I am perfect, like a fresh spring flower. AND PETER KING IS A GODDAMN SHITHEAD.
Eli Manning had just been intercepted again by the Eagles with three minutes left in New Jersey late Sunday afternoon, and Philadelphia’s 23-11 upset of the Giants was sealed. Right about then, Ken Whisenhunt’s cell phone rang in his living room in Arizona.
“You are not only playing in the NFC Championship game next Sunday,” I said. “You are hosting the NFC Championship game next Sunday.”
To which Whisenhunt replied, “WE ARE?! HOLY SHIT! I HAD NO IDEA! THANK YOU, PETER KING. YOU ARE GARLOX, THE BESTOWER OF FATES.”
I swear to you, this man could easily work the red carpet at the Golden Globes one day. No questions for people. Just mindlessly regurgitating obvious circumstances to them. “Mickey Rourke, you were once unemployed, and a wife strangler. Now, YOU’RE A GLOBE WINNER.” “Kate Winslet! Not only were you nominated. YOU WON.” “Mr. Puck! You have made sole for dinner.”
Think of the headlines from the weekend.
I’ll try. How about, “JESUS LIVING FUCK COULDN’T THERE HAVE BEEN ONE DECENT GAME BESIDES TITANS-RAVENS TO SAVE ME FROM MY FUCKING HORRIBLE EXISTENCE?!”
McNabb, yanked in November, leads Eagles to fifth title game this decade.
Not as punchy as mine. May I suggest WON-ovan?
Flacco, no Fluke-o, the rookie QB wins his first two playoff games.
I see what you did there. But Tony Sacca still suck-a.
Will third Steelers-Ravens meeting of year be another Texas Steel Cage Match?
That’s Texas DEATH Match there, fella. You get paid hundreds of thousands of dollars a year, King. While the rest of us troll for fucking discarded chicken wings in the gutter. KNOW YOUR GODDAMN WRESTLING NOMENCLATURE. It’s all I ask.
13. Minnesota (10-7). I see where Brad Childress has opened up the quarterback competition for next year. Good idea.
You think? See, because I was secretly praying he’d prematurely give the job to a guy who needs to take a timeout to ask if he can spike the ball.
But don’t bury Tarvaris Jackson yet.
Why not? BURY HIM, DAMMIT. Bury him deep, and bury him good. Pile on everything you can to make sure he doesn’t get out: bricks, mortar, molten lead, Romeo Crennel… AS LONG AS HE STAYS IN THE COLD HARD EARTH.
14. San Francisco (7-9). Happy trails to you, Aaron Salkin. You have been a heck of a PR man for the Niners, and you will be very good somewhere else.
Couldn’t this have been a simple email? Do WE need to hear this message? I fully expect King to use MMQB as a convenient dumping ground for all personal communication henceforth, especially thank you notes.
“Cheers to you, Fran Johnson. We loved the pie!”
“What a lovely wedding you throw, Bob Dawson.”
“Lady Heather, why so stingy with the jumper cables? HAS LITTLE PETER PIGGY OFFENDED YOU, MASTER?”
Enjoyable/Aggravating Travel Note of the Week
Back on the road again. What a great weekend. Not just because of the football, but because I discovered Nashville. I never knew what a gem of a city it was.
They have ribs!
A stupid gripe first.
Is there any other kind?
I don’t want to say it was too hot on my Newark-to-Nashville Continental flight the other morning, but the mini-Kit Kat in my lunch snack couldn’t be opened because the chocolate was percolating inside.
GAHHH! You bastards! Peter couldn’t enjoy his Kit Kat! It was a special gift for elite flyers! Don’t you people know that chocolate is tempered? TEMPERED! ONE DEGREE CAN RUIN A KIT KAT FOREVER! He will break himself off a piece of that Kit Kat bar IN YOUR ASS!
On Friday, sandwiched around a trip to see the Ravens at their downtown hotel, I did two of the most enjoyable things in Peter King Roadtrip History. My wife made the trip with me, and we visited the Hermitage, Andrew Jackson’s estate 13 miles northeast of Nashville.
Will there be slides? FETCH ME MY CAROUSEL PROJECTOR!
Incredibly educational trip, particularly in learning about slavery
There were slaves? In America? Well, whip my back raw, why don’t you?
– how slaves were housed and treated most notably.
Did the slaves also get melty Kit Kats?! CONTINENTAL, YOU ARE THE COTTON PLANTATION OF THE SKIES.
Jackson had about 150 slaves on his property. Families of six or eight lived in tiny log cabins, bunking almost wherever there was room.
Yes, but they did get to work the land.
Just as interesting was the tradition of dueling.
“Let me tell you about what I read on the museum plaque! INCREDIBLE STUFF!”
Seeing Loretta Lynn sing “Coal Miner’s Daughter” at the Ryman Auditorium in the Grand Ole Opry … well, I can only imagine it’s something like someone seeing the Cubs-Cards at Wrigley Field on a sunny July afternoon. And then doing a show-finale duet with Vince Gill … very, very cool, and that comes from someone with no love for country music.
Oh, did YOU not get to see it? I bet you’re one of those filthy peasants who avoids high culture and BLOCKS UP I-95 FOR THE IMPORTANT PEOPLE.
Wonderful acoustics.
It’s like I can hear Loretta’s voice now from that florid description!
All in all, a great night.
Glad you had fun. This was just like talking to an in-law on the phone!
f. The 9-7 Cards or the 9-6-1 Eagles in the Super Bowl. What a country.
It’s really an amazing story, when you think about it. Why, the Eagles immigrated here from Costa Rica not but a decade ago!
Mark Clayton is a tougher receiver than I thought. Must be learning from Derrick Mason.
BUT DOES HE PATIENTLY SIGN AUTOGRAPHS?!
I have been critical of McNabb for not coming up big in some big games, but that was the definition of clutch.
If you remember last week, it was Brian Westbrook and Ed Reed who were the definition of clutch. Now, McNabb defines clutch. Next week, someone else will almost certainly define clutch. This is why, when we define words, we use OTHER WORDS to do it. People are notoriously unreliable for lexicographic purposes.
The Titans benefited from a Ravens offside on their first PAT attempt of the day Saturday, putting the ball at the Baltimore 1. Why not go for two?
Because that would have been stupid?
Saturday was not a day for the plodding LenDale White. Titans used him too much, and I say that knowing Chris Johnson got hurt.
They should have thawed the corpse of Chris Brown, dammit.
Third quarter, third-and-10, Baltimore ball at its 20. Tied, 7-7. Joe Flacco fits a bullet into a tight hole, right into Todd Heap’s gut, with two defenders around him. Huge play. And Heap drops it. Very, very big play in the game. Good thing for the Ravens it didn’t cost them later.
HUGE play. Completely changed the whole outcome of the game. Except that it didn’t. Really more of a Fluke-o play when you think about it. TWO CAN PUN AT THAT GAME, MY FRIEND.
Now we move onto Peter’s Hall of Fame musings. I’ll spare you the majority of them, in accordance with the Geneva Conventions. But there was this one:
Special-teamer Steve Tasker. No surprise he didn’t make the finals. Just sad.
We should give him a Kit Kat.
We have to realize sometime that special teams is a major part of the game (not a third, the way some people say, but a significant fifth), and Tasker was the best ever to play them.
So it’s a major part of the game, but it doesn’t even have the mathematical value that is popularly ascribed to it? “Vote for Steve Tasker! He mattered even less than you think! I SAVED ALL HIS VOICE MAILS!”
But to suggest Tebow’s some sort of maladroit (there’s your PKWOTW) and marginal prospect is demeaning and downright wrong.
Maladroit means clumsy and unskillful. Is there anyone in the universe who believes Tim Tebow is unskilled? AND DOESN’T HE DEFINE CLUTCH?
I think I need to make a few comments/clarifications about the All-Pro team I ran in the mag and online last week, and the one I filed as one of 50 voters for the Associated Press’ annual All-Pro team.
Let me just look at Peter’s All Pro team for reference and GAHHHHH HE VOTED FOR WELKER?! WHAT THE FUCK?
/tears out own eyes
Secondly: I voted for Peppers on the AP ballot at defensive end and Suggs on the SI team. This vote semi-tormented me
Did you have a semi-argument with yourself about it?
I haven’t done this forever, but I’ve changed to now voting as much as I can (except in cases like Suggs’) for right and left, free and strong. I’ll vote for a right and left tackle, right and left guard, etc. The AP suggests that, and I think it’s smart.
The AP has suggested rules for filling out your All-Pro ballot? I find that incredibly appropriate.
“When filling out your ballot:
1. Please pick football players, and not blacksmiths.
2. Please pick them according to position, and not whether or not they’ve attended the Opry.
3. Please use a pen to fill out your ballot, and not your own feces.”
But more about David Eckstein, I mean Wes Welker.
Wes Welker’s caught more balls than anyone in football over the last two years
BECAUSE RANDY MOSS IS ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THE FUCKING FIELD.
and he’s done it playing with two quarterbacks when everyone on defense knows he’s going to be the target 10 to 12 times every game.
ZOMG! HE MIGHT GET THE BALL TEN TIMES A GAME! AND NEVER SCORE! WE HAVE TO ABANDON COVERING MOSS TO CONTAIN THIS GRITTY FELLOW!
Dallas Clark is Peyton Manning’s security blanket; his number aren’t as good as Tony Gonzalez’s, but to me his value is higher, partially because the Colts win and the Chiefs don’t.
So it’s Tony Gonzalez’ fault that his team is coached by Herm Edwards and quarterbacked by Tyler Thigpen?
Mitch Albom, you wrote a tremendous, moving, stirring story about Detroit in Sports Illustrated this week. The end, with the reaction of the theater crowd to Clint Eastwood’s “Gran Torino,” fit the story so well. Congratulations. That’s a must-read for fans of the teams of your city — and for fans of the American city. Any city.
*story originally written by Drew Sharp
Isn’t Hollywood nice. Finally letting “Gran Torino” in a theater near you. And me.
FINALLY, THE EXTORTION ENDS.
Coffeenerdness: Hard by the campus of Vanderbilt is a Starbucks on West End Avenue, and if you went in there over the weekend, you saw (presumably) Vanderbilt students come in by the dozens, looking like they just got out of bed, some in pajama pants, and I think about half the girls in Uggs boots. Starbucks has it figured out — or did, until they started building stores across the street from each other. Get kids hooked on tasty caffeine early, and it’ll last a lifetime.
And look who’s proof! LITTLE PETEY CAN’T RESIST THAT TASTY CAFFEINE.
e. These Uggs are everywhere.
My God! Where did this hot new trend come from? AND SINCE WHEN DID KIDS START TRAVELING VIA RAZOR SCOOTER?! WHAT A COUNTRY!
g. We were talking in the press box before the game Saturday about the decline of newspapers, with the news that the Rocky Mountain News and Seattle Post-Intelligencer are on their deathbeds. And one of my peers — I forget whom — said, “It’s amazing. I thought what’s happened to the business in the last year would have taken about 10 years.”
“It’s amazing. I thought they’d just let us keep losing money for another century or so.”
h. If you’re an aspiring journalist, learn to love the web.
And Kit Kats. Always love Kit Kats.
Tags: Big Daddy Drew, FJM style, fun with peter king, kit kats
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January 12th, 2009 at 1:09 pm
It’s still real to me DAMMIT!!!!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BvTNyKIGXiI
January 12th, 2009 at 1:10 pm
I’m surprised King didn’t tell us he’s “wacko for Flacco”
January 12th, 2009 at 1:10 pm
damnit you forgot to end the bold again didn’t you?
January 12th, 2009 at 1:11 pm
You should probably close that bold tag, drew.
@Upstate Underdog – No kidding!
January 12th, 2009 at 1:12 pm
Did you also know slaves WERE FORCED to work for free? Mind-boggling…
January 12th, 2009 at 1:14 pm
Flacco, no Fluke-o, the rookie QB wins his first two playoff games.
“Yeah, well, Scooby Doo can doo-doo, but Jimmy Carter is smarter.”
January 12th, 2009 at 1:14 pm
“The 9-7 Cards or the 9-6-1 Eagles in the Super Bowl. What a country.”
What a country? Now this d-bag is quoting Yakov Smirnoff. Shoot him now.
January 12th, 2009 at 1:14 pm
i would have loved to have seen and cockpunched peter king while he was in my city,except he went to the Grand Ole Opry and the fucking Hermitage,two place pepople from Nashville never go. “what a gem of a city”,ha! you didnt get too far out side of downtown loop,so unfortunately you missed the oppurtunity to get accosted by homeless or have your rental stolen and put up on blocks.fatass…..
January 12th, 2009 at 1:15 pm
One of the Ten Things I Think I Think each week is that this feature is my new favorite on KSK.
January 12th, 2009 at 1:17 pm
Dallas Clark is Peyton Manning’s security blanket; his number aren’t as good as Tony Gonzalez’s, but to me his value is higher, partially because the Colts win and the Chiefs don’t.
So does Peyton call Dallas his Blanky?
January 12th, 2009 at 1:18 pm
lexicographic = DMWOTW?
January 12th, 2009 at 1:19 pm
FIX YO BOLD FONT!
January 12th, 2009 at 1:20 pm
“If you’re an aspiring journalist, aim to not have your musings lambasted on a weekly basis and your wit outshined by a blog on a weekly basis. But don’t stray too far from ineptitude, otherwise you’ll never get hired by SI.”
January 12th, 2009 at 1:20 pm
i always look forward to this every monday.
January 12th, 2009 at 1:23 pm
Especially galling is that he ranks Arizona (who is hosting the NFC Title Game) #7 on his poll. Didn’t they just light up 2 teams to be one of the 4 teams left? How does #7 work?
January 12th, 2009 at 1:23 pm
I did two of the most enjoyable things in Peter King Roadtrip History. My wife made the trip with me, and we visited the Hermitage, Andrew Jackson’s estate 13 miles northeast of Nashville.
GAAAAAAH! He just compared fucking his wife to visiting Hermitage.
January 12th, 2009 at 1:26 pm
Ugg.
January 12th, 2009 at 1:27 pm
Why does it not surprise me that PK loves the Grand Old Opry?
And he may have ruined Kit Kats for me, goddammit.
Also, Starbucks has college-adjacent locations? The hell you say!
January 12th, 2009 at 1:29 pm
I took a Continental flight last night and fuck, was it warm.
No Kit-Kat for me though you fat fuck.
January 12th, 2009 at 1:30 pm
+10 for the Lady Heather reference
January 12th, 2009 at 1:30 pm
Peter King defines clutch. Repeatedly.
January 12th, 2009 at 1:33 pm
Clutch
Automotive, Machinery.
a. a mechanism for readily engaging or disengaging a shaft with or from another shaft or rotating part.
b. a control, as a pedal, for operating this mechanism.
c. the thing I’m going to rip out of my car to beat the crap out of Peter King with next time I’m in Montclair
I’m joking… I’m joking… I’m going to beat the crap out of everyone who lives in Montclair- those guys are ALL assholes.
January 12th, 2009 at 1:33 pm
@ roland_t: and often incorrectly
January 12th, 2009 at 1:33 pm
Coffeenerdness: Starbucks makes shitty coffee
January 12th, 2009 at 1:37 pm
“The Titans benefited from a Ravens offside on their first PAT attempt of the day Saturday, putting the ball at the Baltimore 1. Why not go for two?”
I’m pretty sure they enforced the five yards on the kickoff there, Petey.
January 12th, 2009 at 1:45 pm
GAAAAAAH! He just compared fucking his wife to visiting Hermitage.
In all fairness, Peter King refers to his penis as “Old Hickory.”
January 12th, 2009 at 1:48 pm
Everything I need to know about slavery I learned from Jimmy the Greek.
January 12th, 2009 at 1:48 pm
I don’t understand Bullet 4, Sub-Bullet K:
k. Darren Sproles, 11 carries, 15 yards. That sends a chill or two up the spine of the Ravens’ backs.
Is that… sarcasm? (Unlikely) Or did he copy/paste the wrong stat (receiving yards, Peter!)? Or did… I… I just don’t know. Can someone explain?
January 12th, 2009 at 1:50 pm
I’m surprised PK didn’t describe the over-seers as gritty and determined. He thinks the whole place would have fallen apart without them
January 12th, 2009 at 1:52 pm
No I will not put my fun size Kit Kat on the tray table until it cools off again! This is supercilious! I am Peter King!
January 12th, 2009 at 1:58 pm
Carnivore: I think this one’s all right. That is in fact his rushing stats from yeaterday, and with Bal facing that same defense this week, this one actually makes sence.
DS had 5 rec. for 95 yards 1td, though…
January 12th, 2009 at 2:00 pm
one of the best parts of King’s column is the pic of Willie Parker with this caption:
“The Panthers saw a lot of the back of Willie Parker during his 146-yard performance.”
ZOMG, WAS THIS FROM THEIR FUTURE SUPER BOWL XLIII MATCHUP!!!1?
January 12th, 2009 at 2:02 pm
2. Baltimore (13-5). “We’re the team you don’t want to play right now,” says Ed Reed. Right now? When exactly, this season, has anyone wanted to play this rolling ball of butcher knives?/
does he mean ray Lewis has a butcher knife? that may end poorly/Richard Lollar agrees
January 12th, 2009 at 2:03 pm
Drew’s vitriolic hatred and rage are magnificent. Like fine Kit Kats on airplanes, toasted to the point of percolation.
BTW, I can’t wait for PK to travel around Philly and report back on how apparently, we seceded from England and declared ourselves independent! They even have an old letter that all these people signed saying so!
January 12th, 2009 at 2:04 pm
also:
1) Overtime is fine the way it is. It’s not unfair, it’s called Defense.
2) I know it’s the Cardinals and all, but they are in the NFC Championship game. I would think they would at least have to be ranked in the top 4.
3) Seriously, WHY not bury Tavaris? Is there any reasoning behind your insanely empty opinions? Oh wait, I just answered that.
4) I think you voracious Eagles fans can be happy about the present this morning,… Yeah, because you fuckwits aren’t fair-weather fans or anything. How you like McNabb and Reid now? Still want to blow up the team and start over?
5) There’s no way Jake Delhomme will get over that game ’til March. April, maybe. Yeah, right after his ass is cut.
6) I’ll run an e-mail from a Philadelphia reader, Scott Clayton, to get us started. “Peter, if I wasn’t a huge fan of your reporting skills… See? People from Philly are idiots.
January 12th, 2009 at 2:07 pm
i like how he goes to great lengths to mention the names of anyone associated with the NFL, but if youre one of his peers he cant be bothered to remember trivial information like your name.
January 12th, 2009 at 2:07 pm
Kerry Collins knows little of this Andrew Jackson fella, but likes the cut of his jib.
January 12th, 2009 at 2:08 pm
Those overseers sure looked like they were just having fun out there! The slaves, not as much.
John Wayne Gacy also complained of getting melted Kit Kats one Halloween, right before all the local drifters and young neighborhood boys started dissappearing. Coincidence?
January 12th, 2009 at 2:10 pm
Did Peter King just write an entire MMQB without mentioning Brett Favre?
*hides under desk*
January 12th, 2009 at 2:10 pm
PK needs to take his mouth off the Patriots balls. Love how the Patriots moved up the “fine 15″ to number 5 this week from number 6 last week. PK will have them number 2 come early February.
January 12th, 2009 at 2:10 pm
“2) I know it’s the Cardinals and all, but they are in the NFC Championship game. I would think they would at least have to be ranked in the top 4.”
not to mention they’re marked two spots BELOW the pats WHO DIDN’T EVEN MAKE THE PLAYOFFS
nice to see Houston and San Francisco are still in the rankings mix too, if they buckle down they just might make it as Wild Cards
January 12th, 2009 at 2:15 pm
PK forgot to mention that the Kit Kat had been shoved up his ass for 2 hours before he tried to open it.
January 12th, 2009 at 2:16 pm
im gonna punch piggy peter right in his fucking snout.
January 12th, 2009 at 2:18 pm
I love how Peter King shows how the Giants couldn’t gain a yard on three seperate plays, yet wonders why a team wouldn’t go for two. Stupid.
January 12th, 2009 at 2:21 pm
There is something wonderfully infuriating about reading the word “coffeenerdness”. As a person who lives on anger, this sustains me.
January 12th, 2009 at 2:26 pm
But to suggest Tebow’s some sort of maladroit (there’s your PKWOTW) and marginal prospect is demeaning and downright wrong.
Maladroit means clumsy and unskillful. Is there anyone in the universe who believes Tim Tebow is unskilled? AND DOESN’T HE DEFINE CLUTCH?
I’ll also point out that maladroit is an adjective, not a noun (its noun form being maladroitness). Either Tebow is being called out for his maladroitness or for the fact that he is considered maladroit as a prospect, but he is not in and of himself a ‘maladroit’ because no such thing exists. So King didn’t even know how to properly use his ‘word of the week’. Hopefully someone calls the fat shit on it, but I doubt it’ll show up in his Tuesday edition.
/readjusts glasses on nose with forefinger
/not getting laid anytime soon
January 12th, 2009 at 2:28 pm
What a lactating fat nozzle. NO, I don’t need to go to the Grand Ole Opry before I die. And YES, you need to stop ramming biscottis into your pie hole while double fisting Venti, Mocha gayness every morning.
/what a queer
January 12th, 2009 at 2:30 pm
@ asdf: No. 2 by February? PK will have them no.1 by tomorrow. NO ONE DENIES THIS!!!
January 12th, 2009 at 2:30 pm
@ Mike D
Shame on you for six months. Of course Petey managed to bring up his alltime favorite lover, Favre.
Brett Favre, in the 2001 playoffs, threw six picks against the Rams, but in that game, Favre was just throwing balls up throughout the second half trying to hit the lottery.
He even managed to excuse one of Favre’s worst performances ever (there are a lot on that list).
January 12th, 2009 at 2:30 pm
Maladroit was a terrible album by Weezer. Do not confuse this with the slight ineptitude of Tebow of Nazareth when projecting his god-like skills to the NFL.
January 12th, 2009 at 2:41 pm
In his next column, I’ll bet he writes, “I don’t know if anybody else has noticed it, but that Obama kid sure delivers a good speech.”
And then I will hunt him down, slather him in Kansas City barbecue sauce, and throw him into a desert ravine.
January 12th, 2009 at 2:42 pm
Of course Tebow won’t get passed the Patriots in the second round. He’s gritty, he’s tough, he wills his team to victory. He wills Percy Harvin to be a far superior football player than himself. He wills his defense to hold Oklahoma to 14 points. He’s the next WELKAH. He’s already been getting plenty of practice in accepting the praise from the media that should be attributed to his more talented teammates. He’s a perfect fit for those douche bags in Foxboro.
January 12th, 2009 at 2:58 pm
Seeing Loretta Lynn sing “Coal Miner’s Daughter” at the Ryman Auditorium in the Grand Ole Opry … well, I can only imagine it’s something like someone seeing the Cubs-Cards at Wrigley Field on a sunny July afternoon.
Where to begin with this one??
“I can only imagine” – Were you there or not assmunch?
“something like someone seeing the Cubs-Cards” – stupid on several levels. Apprently, you haven’t seen the Cubs-Cards at Wrigley on a Sunny July afternoon as implied in your statement, so how can you make the comparison moron?
Lastly, you are the ONLY asshole on the planet that thinks seeing the Grand Ol Opry could even compare to a game at Wrigley
January 12th, 2009 at 3:08 pm
I read Peter King again if only to pickup on what Drew will highlight…I can’t believe he didn’t breakdown this:
“It’s weird, it’s odd, it’s what happens in the NFL every January. Flacco and Derrick Mason and Santonio Holmes and Larry Fitzgerald and Darnell Dockett and LaMarr Woodley and Brodrick Bunkley are bursting into our living rooms, and we don’t know them, but we really like the stories they’re writing.”
Other than maybe a DT like Dockett all are recognizable. Fitty’s arguably the best WR in the game, Flacco’s a rookie sensation, Mason’s been around forever. Thanks to the internet we’ve seen more of Santonio than anyone wanted to. But we don’t know them?
January 12th, 2009 at 3:18 pm
College kids didn’t drink caffeine before Starbucks? News is slow traveling to the PK’s native Planet Ass-Douche.
January 12th, 2009 at 3:23 pm
Based on Peter’s All Pro pick of WELKAH!, I’m willing to overlook a few of his shortcomings.
January 12th, 2009 at 3:31 pm
faggle
January 12th, 2009 at 3:32 pm
this one guy i work with said this smart thing, but fuck me if i can remember his name. why should that stop me from appropriating his words for my useless braindead column?
January 12th, 2009 at 3:35 pm
What’s that? They have the internet on computers now?
January 12th, 2009 at 3:53 pm
The piece on revamping the OT rule was thoughtful, well-researched, supported statistically, and provided historical perspective.
It was also cribbed word-for-word from JIM NANTZ.
Seriously, why does SI/NBC pick up the tab for this fat clod to run around the country stuffing his face with popcorn and melted chocolate when he can’t provide content as interesting as random blogs or blow-dried anchors?
His puzzlement as to why Kerry Collins and Vince Young haven’t formed a bond is typical piece of clueless hilarity. You’d think the visit to Jackson’s estate may have tipped him off as to why.
January 12th, 2009 at 4:20 pm
“Lady Heather, why so stingy with the jumper cables? HAS LITTLE PETER PIGGY OFFENDED YOU, MASTER?”
CSI gag. Excellent stuff.
January 12th, 2009 at 4:53 pm
@ f. The 9-7 Cards or the 9-6-1 Eagles in the Super Bowl. What a country.
It’s really an amazing story, when you think about it. Why, the Eagles immigrated here from Costa Rica not but a decade ago!
—->i’m having a semi-argument with myself as to whether this is the funniest thing i’ve ever read on this website…
January 12th, 2009 at 5:44 pm
As a Nashvillian, I’d like to point out that Peter King has no idea what the fuck he’s talking about. He says he visited “the Ryman Auditorium in the Grand Ole Opry,” but the Ryman isn’t anywhere near the Grand Ole Opry. And the Ryman’s great if you like shitty bench seating and no good views of the stage. I imagine Peter King was looking for dropped popcorn half the time, so I doubt he noticed.
January 12th, 2009 at 5:49 pm
So it’s Tony Gonzalez’ fault that his team is coached by Herm Edwards and quarterbacked by Tyler Thigpen?
That is 100% vintage Ken Tremendous right there.
Pile on everything you can to make sure he doesn’t get out: bricks, mortar, molten lead, Romeo Crennel…
That fucking killed me.
January 12th, 2009 at 5:51 pm
“Seattle Post-Intelligencer”
Is that a new show on CBS, right after the Mentalist? What the fuck?
January 12th, 2009 at 5:56 pm
“Love how the Patriots moved up the “fine 15″ to number 5 this week from number 6 last week. ”
You gotta admit, their victory over Offseason was pretty fucking impressive!
January 12th, 2009 at 6:36 pm
Will no one mention that PK also referred to Fitzy as a “gentleman”?
Yup, nothing’s more refined or civilized that beating your child’s mother.
January 12th, 2009 at 6:58 pm
Weirdo: “Peter, if I wasn’t such a big fan of your reporting. . .” I wouldn’t go home and wrap my dick in it and squeeze until I pass out.
PK: “‘Seeing Lorretta Lynn sing coal miner’s daughter. . .’ made me want to right up to The Favre and ask him if he’d mind mining coal out of my shaft.”
I think we need to start a pool, how many weeks before PK uses his PKWOTW correctly. I’ve got the over 20 weeks, and I think the word will be “sphincter freshner.”
January 12th, 2009 at 8:49 pm
Newspapers aren’t losing money. It’s an issue of profit margin for publicly held companies. And in Seattle, Hearst is cooking the books, moving the profits from the P-I elsewhere to make it look like that paper is losing money. Good column otherwise – love a good PK bash, he deserves it.
January 12th, 2009 at 8:58 pm
“Hey, call me crazy, but I think these teen dramas are more than a fad!”
“The Family Guy is on Fox at 9pm, I’d tell you the channel but the Cable companies keep extorting us by using different numbers in different city. Every American City.”
“Called Brett Favre today, straight to voicemail. Then I heard later from Chris Mortensen that he was running the combine over the land.”
“I’m not sure, but I think I stole my rambling style from a parody of Larry King I saw one time…hey, suspenders keep pants up. It’s like two belts, but they go over your shoulders.”
January 12th, 2009 at 9:03 pm
Imagine being seated next to Peter King on an airplane warm enough to melt a chocolate candy bar.
The same guy who objects to unsatisfactory hotel toiletries.
/Slimfast
January 12th, 2009 at 11:21 pm
Things happened in the past, BEFORE I was born, that are different than what occurs today. DID YOU PEOPLE KNOW ABOUT THIS SHIT? There’s, like, at least 200 years of things that happened before I was born!
God can only hope he doesn’t discover a Roman Empire exhibit. We’d get about 30 columns worth of museum text explaining different artifacts. THEY HAD SWORDS, GUYS!
January 13th, 2009 at 12:36 am
You ever notice Peter King writes exactly the way an Onion parody of Peter King would be written? That is, he writes like he’s an overweight woman in her early 50s who collects Precious Moments figurines.
January 13th, 2009 at 8:42 am
“Especially galling is that he ranks Arizona (who is hosting the NFC Title Game) #7 on his poll. Didn’t they just light up 2 teams to be one of the 4 teams left? How does #7 work?”
Peter King’s writing is comically entertaining and easily mockable, but he got this one absolutely right.
Arizona beat 2 teams to reach the NFC title game. They are now ranked on top of those two, Atlanta and Carolina.
The Patriots, who did not reach the playoffs, spanked their asses 47-7 in the regular season.
Therefore until the team from the land of the Dirt People, AZ, actually reaches the big game, they are right where
they should be.
January 13th, 2009 at 4:16 pm
j) I love these Peter King parses
2) We need a similar one for the stupid things the MNF crew says too.
January 13th, 2009 at 8:09 pm
First time i’ve been to this blog. This is hilarious!