Hey, That’s a Nice Truck. For a Woman.
Sayyyyy, nice truck you got there. What is that, a V-8? Oh, only a V-6? Well, I suppose that’s okay. As long as you don’t need your truck to do anything MANLY, like carry heavy shit uphill. Heavy shit made out of metal, because that’s the kind of heavy shit REAL MEN need to haul.
But no, it’s a good truck. You get good gas mileage? Yeah? Well gas mileage is for pussies. My truck here gets about two gallons per mile. You know what else gets mileage that bad? A fucking TANK. That’s how I know my truck kicks ass.
That’s a nice color for it, too. What is that, “red”? It looks good. I seen some real pretty flowers that color. Me, I don’t need to paint my truck. Primer’s good enough for me. If I had paint it would just get in the way of me doing MANLY SHIT, like driving through explosions in the desert and speeding past giant machines swinging other trucks at my truck. But red’s good, too. Probably looks really nice in the parking lot when you pick your son up from ballet practice.
But I like yours. Who made it, Tonka? I’ll bet it plays your Jonas Brothers CDs pretty loud while I’m fucking your wife. Pussy.
Oh hey, I notice you’ve got a little– what is that? A “man ramp” to get up into your truck’s bed? No, no — it looks good. Must come in handy when you want to help a dainty little man into the back there. So you can hold his hand and have sex with him and ask him to stay the night, because you’re a needy little bitch. It works for you.
Whatcha got in the forward cab, huh? Scented Kleenex and Barbies, I bet.
(peers in through window)
Well well well. Looky here. Seatbelts, huh?
(makes wanking motion)
No, don’t take that the wrong way! Seatbelts are great for women and babies in little cars. And trucks for men with tiny little limp dicks.
Listen to me, jabbering on like that. I should let you go. You’re gonna be late to yoga class or book group or your… your Cocksuckers Anonymous meeting. You can park that bad boy next to the hybrids.
Gonna drive with the windows up, huh? Pffft. Faggot.
Tags: captain caveman, Gas is cheap for another two months! Buy a truck!, Howie Long, howie long says that truck is gay
January 11th, 2009 at 11:31 pm
I’m surprised you put up a new post, Ufford. I didn’t think you would want to divert attention from the Steeler haterade.
January 11th, 2009 at 11:35 pm
I came here hoping for some relief from sitting thru the Globes that my girlfriend is obsessed with – to get just a little satisfaction. I was hoping for am 3rd blog, but then I realized ya’ll are probably too drunk at this point.
January 11th, 2009 at 11:44 pm
anoder tipical bidder seahox fan not givin the stillers the respect dey deserve. dis post is an affront to yinzers everywear!
/the comments section on the last post makes me want to murder puppies
January 11th, 2009 at 11:50 pm
During the commercial breaks in the Ravens game yesterday, I got sucked into a show on the History Channel, called Shootout, about recent firefights in Afghanistan. It told me that our tanks get a half mile per gallon. Figures… they’re made in America.
January 11th, 2009 at 11:54 pm
At which point, Howie slapped the shit out of Teri Hatcher for being so annoying in those Radio Shack commercials.
January 11th, 2009 at 11:57 pm
I’m so glad that some of the money from the Auto Bailout is (I guess) going to Howie Long, so he can call me a homo for not drive some outdated, gas-guzzling truck.
January 12th, 2009 at 12:00 am
Chevy: Since our product sucks, we’ll just resort to making fun of the competitors!
January 12th, 2009 at 12:02 am
“While I’m sure your truck is capable of… injuring certain small animals, or decrepit medium sized animals, it’s no comparison to my squirrel squashing, deer smacking driving machine.”
/hums “Canyonero” every time she sees a Hummer
January 12th, 2009 at 12:04 am
Say GM, hows that AUTOMOBILE business working for you?
January 12th, 2009 at 12:46 am
What happened to Ape’s CounterpoCENSORED…
Damn RSS Feed.
January 12th, 2009 at 12:56 am
Can you name the truck with four wheel dirve
Smells like steak and seats thirty-five
Canyonero
January 12th, 2009 at 1:06 am
Stupidity aside, Howie is right that steering wheel warmers are for homos.
January 12th, 2009 at 1:07 am
@Mario Barrio — check back in in the morning
January 12th, 2009 at 1:58 am
Howie’s TV mugging ass making fun of someone getting manicures reeks of hypocrisy…you know that fucker gets them daily.
January 12th, 2009 at 2:03 am
That dude must have bought the Canyonero F-Series. Telltale sign is the lipstick holder where the cigarette lighter should be.
January 12th, 2009 at 2:13 am
Please don’t forget…
Top of the line in utility sports,
Unexplained fires are a matter for the courts!
Canyonero! Canyonerrrrroooooooo!
January 12th, 2009 at 2:24 am
One American auto company is still trying to push the masculine bullshit on a market that demands hybrids and fuel efficiency, the other is owned by the same guy that let Millen spend eight years raping the Lions like a prison bitch. Yep, I feel very good about this industry’s ability to turn itself around.
January 12th, 2009 at 4:05 am
@all you pussies
Wow, since when does the Taliban post comments on KSK?
January 12th, 2009 at 5:55 am
@bam33
Since we abandoned Afghanistan. Plus Teri Hatcher thinks it’s cute that Howie Long still thinks he’s a man when all she ever remembered of him was his penchant for wearing panties at their Radio Shack shoots. Oh, and the shemales he use to bang during the dry spells.
January 12th, 2009 at 7:02 am
Eli Manning drives a Kiamino.
January 12th, 2009 at 8:25 am
Wow, since when does the Taliban post comments on KSK?
Yes, unless I drive a John Deere combine to work, the terrorists have won.
January 12th, 2009 at 8:56 am
Can you guys STOP POSTING PICTURES OF YOURSELVES!
I’d like to remember you as Gods and not of the kids who used to get beat up by the girls basketball team at lunch.
January 12th, 2009 at 8:56 am
whoops…meant for Steeler haterade….I’ll go there.
January 12th, 2009 at 9:07 am
My car gets forty rods to the hogshead and that’s the way I likes it.
January 12th, 2009 at 9:26 am
Hey Howie, does your shirts say CONTRACTOR or MILITARY or COWBOY?
No? Well, I guess that’s okay. As long as you weren’t planning on peeing standing up.
January 12th, 2009 at 9:44 am
Well can YOUR truck can tow a boat up and down some wild seesaw contraption O_o ??
January 12th, 2009 at 9:57 am
Ah, Firestorm. Cinematic masterpiece.
Howie’s still quite dreamy.
January 12th, 2009 at 10:03 am
Sorry Howie, I’m not buying your obsolete by 2010 truck.
Go home and enjoy some of that Terri Hatcher poon and know that the Bald-Headed Country Yokel is having his way with Jillian Barberie.
January 12th, 2009 at 10:21 am
Calling something a “man-___” implies that the ___ term is inherently effeminite. Such a man-purse or a man-nurse. Since when the fuck did a “step” become a female object? And what if Ford put it there to appease the midget tough-guy market? What? Huh? FUCK YOU!
January 12th, 2009 at 10:29 am
These guys all pale in comparison to the Budweiser douche “Oh it’s 3 o’clock that means budweiser is testing their beer at the brewery NO OTHER BREWERY DOES THIS you ladies probably want to return that beer you’re holding….the stuff that actually has more flavor than the aluminum can we put it in.”
January 12th, 2009 at 10:49 am
“Sure, its nice if your truck has anti-lock breaks…if you’re into that type of thing. Me, I like my breaks locked and forcing my car into a dangerous fish-tail spin. Real men cause roadside collisions.”
January 12th, 2009 at 10:55 am
I enjoyed watching Fox’s Ford F-150 Pregame show right after I saw my first Howie-v.-manstep commercial. Nice.
January 12th, 2009 at 11:09 am
Howie is dumb enough to call Chesty Puller a wuss. Because only girls go by the nickname Chesty.
January 12th, 2009 at 11:23 am
There is not enough attention being paid to the fact that this post was awesome.
January 12th, 2009 at 11:33 am
Hines Ward (sounding a lot like Long Duc Dong):
“Automobeeeeeeeeerrrrrraaaaahhhhh?”
January 12th, 2009 at 11:37 am
Naturally I find the clip after posting: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gvOGQFm1Xvc
January 12th, 2009 at 11:53 am
Howie Long and Bill Cowher could have sex and it would somehow be the most hetero display ever. Peter King and Tony Kornheiser would shed a tear as they jerked it in the corner.
January 12th, 2009 at 11:57 am
Can we get Marmalard to do these commericals?
January 12th, 2009 at 1:29 pm
When we don’t like something, we condescendingly trash talk it… make fun of the owner of whatever it is… leading to the inevitable gunplay involved when someone DISRESPECTS our person, mate or goods.
This is OUUUR COUNTRYYYY.
+1 Rook. Marmalard: YOUR TRUCK SUCKS! HUH? WHAT? FUCK YOU!
January 12th, 2009 at 1:42 pm
Firestorm just might be the greatest movie ever!
January 12th, 2009 at 2:06 pm
+1 OzoneRanger – I’m going to Peter King all over the thought of that commercial now
January 12th, 2009 at 2:32 pm
No matter what kind you drive, if you drive a truck, you have a small penis. NO ONE DENIES THIS!
/hops into Nissan Maxima
January 12th, 2009 at 5:15 pm
“I’ll bet it plays your Jonas Brothers CDs pretty loud while I’m fucking your wife. Pussy.”
Fantastic!
January 12th, 2009 at 5:47 pm
i drive with my windows up. i’m pretty sure i’m not gay.
January 12th, 2009 at 6:51 pm
Hateful, childish and ignorant. Yes, you closet queens must leave no doubt that you are not closet queens. Can you say OVERCOMPENSATION? “Me thinks she complains too loudly.”
January 22nd, 2009 at 9:00 pm
Oh I’m sorry, sir, but that truck is, uh.. for gays?
April 22nd, 2009 at 12:45 pm
Great post. Howie is a little too smug and condescending for a guy selling an inferior product. If anybody has been screwed it is the Chevy brand, reputation, and market cap.