Hey Bawlmer, Did You Die in a Fire Yet? No? WELL THEN DIE IN A BIGGER, HOTTER ELECTRICAL FIRE!
Earlier this season, I enumerated just a small litany of ways in which Baltimore would barely qualify as a third-rate bombed-out township in the Gaza Strip. I could continue to list these ad infinitum, though I fear my hate would consume all of existence.
More than being possessed of a massive persecution complex that results in them being massive dicksmacks, I loath Baltimore fans for their false sense of toughness. I’d like to think that’s what rooting for a bunch of talk-talking, post-tackle-dancing, bounty-hunting drama queens will do to a fanbase, but I fear the problem runs a little deeper.
An instructive story:
I was at a game at an interleague game at Camden Yards in the spring of 2004 (this being still when the Or-ee-oos were the closest available MLB team to me) during the brief period when the Ravens were trying to orchestrate a trade for Terrell Owens which he nixed in favor of going to Philly (even T.O. isn’t dumb enough to want to play for the Ravens). The game was between the Giants and the Orioles, yet an entire section of Eagles fans had gotten tickets for the express purpose of chanting “WE GOT T.O.! WE GOT T.O.!”
Yes, at a game between the San Francisco Giants and the Baltimore Orioles, a group of Eagles fans had bought up an entire section at a baseball game and driven in just to taunt people from Baltimore about a football transaction that had taken place in the off-season. And this wasn’t a quick little chant. It went on FOR FOUR FULL FUCKING INNINGS! And nobody tried to stop them, save shooting them the occasional ugly look.
See, I respect the doucheiosity of Philadelphia fans. Because they’re legitimately scary. Truth be told, I’d be nervous attending a game at the Linc wearing visiting team colors. Not M&T Bank. Sure, pretend hard-ass Ravens fans will threaten you plenty if you show up in a road jersey. Stabbings, ass-kickings, other vague and unconvincing intimations of violence, what have you. And they’ll act on exactly none of it.
Because behind their (FEARSOME!) purple camo and plastic chains, they’re a bunch of exurban bitches wracked by insecurity. And guilt for having stolen a franchise. And the trademark Baltimore inferiority complex. And a Who’s Who of infectious disease.
Oh, how I hate them and everything in their city.
Okay, that’s not entirely accurate. I enjoy The Comics Curmudgeon guy. His wry take on the daily funnies never fails to brighten even the darkest day. The best part about him? His work is on the Intarwebs, meaning one need not visit Lord Baltimore’s herpetic lesion on the Chesapeake Estuary to access it.
For the rest of Bawlmer, let me extend to you my fondest Festivus greeting:
DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE
Preferably getting capped in the street like Bodie.
Tags: hate, lsufreek photoshops, seriously fuck baltimore, xmas ape
![[badge]](http://cdn.ksk.uproxx.com/wp-content/themes/default/images/100121_FOXmsnBadge_200x50.gif)
January 16th, 2009 at 10:37 am
props to LSUfreek…
the hate is strong with you ape.
too bad the Stillerz will choke one away at home to a rookie QB…mainly cause Simmons just wiped his ass with a terrible towel.
January 16th, 2009 at 10:39 am
That .gif = the greatest thing i’ve ever seen.
January 16th, 2009 at 10:41 am
Oh yeah, almost forgot…..fuck the ravens.
January 16th, 2009 at 10:42 am
LSUfreek clearly has a lot of time on his hands, and I think we’re all the richer for it…
January 16th, 2009 at 10:45 am
They’re not badasses? Well then why do they wear purple camo??
January 16th, 2009 at 10:47 am
i almost applied to johns hopkins for a phd program next year…but then i realized i would have to live in bawlmer.
/possibly regretting applications to upenn and carnegie mellon
//now hoping to be accepted at either maryland or princeton
January 16th, 2009 at 10:48 am
http://sports.espn.go.com/espn/otl/news/story?id=3831956
January 16th, 2009 at 10:49 am
The haterade is flowing freely today. Delicious!
Do we still get titties for Sexy Friday, too?
January 16th, 2009 at 10:50 am
@Flozell….who doesn’t have $150,000 worth of HGH laying around?
January 16th, 2009 at 11:06 am
Point taken.
January 16th, 2009 at 11:08 am
http://www.pittsburghlive.com/x/pittsburghtrib/sports/steelers/s_495525.html
Here you go, Flozell. An article from a year earlier with the same amount of information but fewer vaguely couched and ominous-sounding implications. Can’t believe ESPN pegged an article with no new findings to run right before a big game!
January 16th, 2009 at 11:08 am
/off-topic, but rick reilly is really with the times. maybe he can die in a fire with the ravens?
http://sports.espn.go.com/espnmag/story?id=3831916
January 16th, 2009 at 11:18 am
Root for Philly…Root for the Stillerz…Root for Bawlmer…Root for the Buzzsaw…
Damn. These choices all suck!
January 16th, 2009 at 11:26 am
hines supel smirre funtime busting caps in Lay Rewis
January 16th, 2009 at 11:37 am
So to be clear: if I attend a game, I HAVE to be an asshole and physically abuse fans of the opposite team?
January 16th, 2009 at 11:42 am
No, but by the same token, idle threats of violence are equally pointless.
January 16th, 2009 at 11:47 am
That’s some tasty hate Ape. Once again ‘Freek shows us all why he should be supreme master of the universe. One question: what is in the raven’s mouth at the end?
January 16th, 2009 at 11:51 am
So, Ape, you don’t like Bawlmer? It is subtle, but I caught some hints there. PFT has some good stuff (2 articles) on the Fish story.
January 16th, 2009 at 11:51 am
Ape, you may hate Baltimore, but Hines loves our clab cakes.
http://www.baltimoresun.com/sports/football/bal-sp.steelers15jan15,0,5770924.story
January 16th, 2009 at 11:54 am
“Here you go, Flozell. An article from a year earlier with the same amount of information but fewer vaguely couched and ominous-sounding implications. Can’t believe ESPN pegged an article with no new findings to run right before a big game!”
waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!!!!!!!!!!!!!
January 16th, 2009 at 11:58 am
Baltimore vs Pittsburgh? Whom to root for?
I’m rooting for the terrorist with vans full of dynamite.
January 16th, 2009 at 11:58 am
They play MLB is Bawlmer?
January 16th, 2009 at 11:59 am
But Mel Kiper lives there and ESPN has a Zone right on the water. Does that not count for anything?
LSUFreek is the man!
January 16th, 2009 at 12:00 pm
@LaFavre’s Next Retirement
They host about 80 or so scrimmages a year.
January 16th, 2009 at 12:02 pm
Is this the same ESPN that published a pretty convincing (to me, at least) article on the benefits of HGH. Why yes, yes it is.
http://sports.espn.go.com/nfl/news/story?id=2733919
January 16th, 2009 at 12:03 pm
Yeah remember DeepFriar, if you are ever at a baseball game and an entire section of South Jersey transplants decide to act like obnoxious dickheads you can’t give them the stinkeye. Don’t even taunt or threaten them. That’s being a pussy. Instead you should round up everybody in the stadium and kick the fuck out of them. That’s a reasonable thing to do. Otherwise you’re just acting like an ‘exurban bitch racked by insecurity.’ By the way I’d be fucking shocked if more than half of any NFL fanbase lived within the city the team represented. I’m sorry that people from Baltimore county like the ravens you fucking twat. Jesus People from Pittsburgh are mongoloid scum.
January 16th, 2009 at 12:09 pm
Instead you should round up everybody in the stadium and kick the fuck out of them. That’s a reasonable thing to do.
or water board them..GODDAMN IT, I LOVE ME SOME WATER BOARDING!!!!!!
Jesus People from Pittsburgh are mongoloid scum
What about jesuspeople from Baltimore?
January 16th, 2009 at 12:10 pm
I’d like to think that’s what rooting for a bunch of talk-talking, post-tackle-dancing, bounty-hunting drama queens will do to a fanbase, but I fear the problem runs a little deeper.
…says the guy who cheered for Joey Porter.
January 16th, 2009 at 12:10 pm
There’s only one, and his name is Kyle Boller.
January 16th, 2009 at 12:16 pm
“I was at a game at an interleague game at Camden Yards in the spring of 2004 (this being still when the Or-ee-oos were the closest available MLB team to me)”
So, Ape – you choose your MLB team based on proximity? Why doth that logic not apply to NFL as well? Not that cheering for the shitskins is any better than cheering for the squealers, but still…
/scratches head much like an ape
January 16th, 2009 at 12:18 pm
urdum Says:
touche
January 16th, 2009 at 12:27 pm
Nothing sums up Ravens fans like a vague, possibly true/possibly false, anecdote about an Orioles game, where there were probably 15,000 fans in attendance and half of them were from DC.
January 16th, 2009 at 12:31 pm
I hear Chemical fires are better and much more satisfying in which to watch scumbag yinzers and bawlmorians die.
January 16th, 2009 at 12:33 pm
Massive props on that animation. Just fucking fantastic.
January 16th, 2009 at 12:59 pm
So, Ape – you choose your MLB team based on proximity?
I don’t like the Orioles. I just went to the game.
January 16th, 2009 at 1:01 pm
Let me get all of this straight:
According to Ape’s detractors, since he wasn’t born, raised, schooled, or currently lives in Pittsburgh he is a bandwagon fan.
According to Ape, if residents of a city don’t attack a bunch of drunk assholes at an exhibition baseball game, then everyone in that city, whether they were at the game or not, is a cunt.
Cheerin’s hard.
January 16th, 2009 at 1:03 pm
I’ve gone to Baltimore for the Steelers game six times. The second you get out of your car you get shouted at by some dickhead in purple camo from 50 yards away going “Don’t turn your back. We’re gonna fuck you up!” and other assorted fake-threatening bullshit. The more daring ones will get in your face and back off. All I’m saying is that Ravens fans are Eagles fans without balls.
January 16th, 2009 at 1:10 pm
Here I was hoping for a good StaWaFlaWa and instead we get a cripple fight between Bawlmer and Picksburg.
/Lucas can still suck it.
January 16th, 2009 at 1:11 pm
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-ucZHXXVnS4
ummmmm……
January 16th, 2009 at 1:13 pm
Sounds to me like your point is that people from new jersey (i.e. eagles fans) are better people because they will actually do you bodily harm, while people from maryland are somehow lesser because they throw some expected heckling to opposing fans, but do not actually hurt them?
“Heckle with punches, or you’re a piece of shit” – Ape
January 16th, 2009 at 1:16 pm
Saying “I’m going to kick the shit out of you” isn’t expected heckling, it’s a fucking threat.
January 16th, 2009 at 1:16 pm
yeah Ape, and when I wear a Ravens jersey in pitt, I get threatened with a cunt punch and rape from 300lb inbred mongoloids.
All I’m saying is the steelers fans are Cowboys fans without jobs.
January 16th, 2009 at 1:16 pm
Fuck the Ravens.
January 16th, 2009 at 1:17 pm
Fuck the Steelers.
January 16th, 2009 at 1:20 pm
hey Xmas ape…
I was at Heinz field a couple years ago on christmas eve when the Ravens trounced the Steelers. here are some of my memories:
1. The douchebag sitting in front of me trying to talk shit to me about the Ravens while wearing a V-NECK SWEATER. Biggest fucking loser ever. When I first took my seat behind this sweatered creature, i thought “hey, this guy looks out of place”, but then when he turned around to open his stupid mouth at me and I saw the dreaded V-Neck, I had to seriously restrain myself from Bitch Slapping him James Harrison style.
2. After we thoroughly destroyed PittsburHGH, I had no less than 3 cars leaving the stadium slow down, roll down the window and yell “FUCK You” to me — at which point they quickly sped off laughing through their toothless mouths. HAHA!
What a bunch of pussies yinz are!!!
January 16th, 2009 at 1:21 pm
best photoshop ever
January 16th, 2009 at 1:21 pm
All I’m saying is the steelers fans are Cowboys fans without jobs.
Burn!
January 16th, 2009 at 1:21 pm
@ Bmoregirlinsteeltown
/standing ovation
January 16th, 2009 at 1:22 pm
In terms of sartorial atrocities: Purple camo > V-NECK SWEATER!
January 16th, 2009 at 1:23 pm
Cowboys fans have jobs?
January 16th, 2009 at 1:26 pm
That was a cheap shot by Hines! Did you see that?! Totally cheap!
Absolutely LOVE those pics. Fuck ballmer.
January 16th, 2009 at 1:29 pm
Cowboys fans have jobs?
“Have,” “give,” same difference. Just don’t get it in their hair.
January 16th, 2009 at 1:36 pm
Another wannabe “Junkie”
January 16th, 2009 at 1:36 pm
Ah hell I was just getting into the Wire…
January 16th, 2009 at 1:38 pm
you want to talk about CAMO??!?!?!
http://api.photoshop.com/home_86b57caa6f8a491681263672de76aee3/adobe-px-assets/de64938b3db647049ce13cd089f1951c
January 16th, 2009 at 1:39 pm
Sure, you’ll see a few Steelers fans wearing it, but the crowd at any given Ravens home game is 75 percent idiots in purple camo pants.
January 16th, 2009 at 1:42 pm
Wiat: Am I supposed to be upset that the team based in my geographical area did not get a man who has been a cancer on every team he’s played for? I understand I’m the product of the MD public school system, but the logic behind this is lost on me.
January 16th, 2009 at 1:43 pm
Those camo pants are great for sneaking beers into the games, I’ll have you know.
As an aside, thanks for the introduction to Comics Curmudgeon, Ape.
January 16th, 2009 at 1:43 pm
ok, so the crowd at a steelers game is 100% idiots… half of them wearing camo, the other half in V-Neck sweaters
January 16th, 2009 at 1:47 pm
Wiat = Wait
January 16th, 2009 at 2:12 pm
“Truth be told, I’d be nervous attending a game at the Linc wearing visiting team colors”
Reminds me of a few years back when I was living in Bawmer. The Ravens played a pre-season game in Philly and a friend I’d made went up with his buddies sporting their Lewis jerseys. I warned him this could be a very bad idea. When he got back he complained about a fight they got into after the game with some drunken Eagles fans. Before I could even stop myself I just looked right at him and said “Well, what the FUCK were you thinking, Mike? didn’t you listen to a fucking thing I said??”
I’ll admit it, truth is we Philly fans are total assholes at games, no matter how nice we are otherwise. We just can’t help ourselves. Something about growing up in the City of Brotherly Love just makes you want to go out a beat the ever-loving shit out of a total stranger on occasion.
January 16th, 2009 at 3:29 pm
Also to Philly’s credit…you booed santa claus.
I’ve been in some pretty epic Flyers Penguins scuffles…Ravens fans are huge sandy vaginas compared to the hate Philly can unleash.
January 16th, 2009 at 4:55 pm
Duh guys, youre not coolz unless you assault someone. My eighth grade students like to brag about the amount of fights they have been in, now I realize that they are cool and are hardcore. Thank you for the lesson Chirstmas Ape!
January 16th, 2009 at 5:14 pm
Whatever – you can distort it all you want. My argument is that Ravens fans talk a good game about fighting and then back down. I’m not advocating scraping with other fans.
January 16th, 2009 at 5:22 pm
Chirstmas Ape?
You must teach in Baltimore.
January 16th, 2009 at 6:17 pm
Baltimore fans aren’t half as bad as Redskins fans.
Bawlmer fans > Dead Tree Crew
January 16th, 2009 at 7:03 pm
You have it right. People from Baltimore shouldnt talk about committing crimes, they should do it damn it! That would make us look great!
It took you 8 whole minutes to figure the spelling error out (Which makes you awesome BTW), I must have taught you.
January 16th, 2009 at 7:13 pm
Or they could not be dicks and act like they want to throw down as soon as they see an opposing fan.
January 16th, 2009 at 8:54 pm
I loved this… Pittsburgh’s KDKA came to Baltimore and found a big concentration of Steelers fans… in Essex.
http://www.facebook.com/ext/share.php?sid=45534428033&h=VEuix&u=_Rws2
Essex is like Baltimore’s taint. Stuck between our ass (Dundalk) and our balls (Canton).
Seriously. Hilarious.
January 16th, 2009 at 9:19 pm
okay so we know where the ksk guy stands, as a proud baltimorean let me just say, kiss my ass! I hope ed reed backpedals into the endzone again taking us into the superbowl, also, hopefully joe flacco will sleep with your girlfriend, cheers.
January 16th, 2009 at 9:25 pm
Allow me to translate that final fragment from aron’s semi-coherent rambling:
“also, hopefully Joe Flacco will sleep with your cat, a TV series from the 80’s starring George Wendt.”
January 16th, 2009 at 9:42 pm
That’s it? You use a baseball story to rant about football. You also talk about the tough Philly fans who really don’t beat anyone up and are no tougher than any others. This is typical Steeler pussy bullshit. Come on, do better next time asswipe.
January 17th, 2009 at 12:15 am
Outstanding LSUfreek, Outstanding !!!
January 17th, 2009 at 1:36 am
APE IS LOOKING FOR A FIGHT, MOTHER FUCKER. STEP UP OR STEP DOWN!
January 18th, 2009 at 8:56 am
HATE HATE HATE! Fuck the Ravens!
/hoping that all Bawlmers burn themselves while smoking their crack pipes after another loss tonight
January 19th, 2009 at 10:41 am
Philly sports fans (and I say this as a transplanted Philadelphian) are totally fucknuts. Look up the Sons of Ben, the Philadelphia MLS ultras. They’ve been going on road trips for the last two years to go get up in the grill of NY Red Bulls, DC United, and New England Revs fans… and the Philadelphia MLS team doesn’t even exist yet. They don’t even have a name, just a stadium site turning dirt that won’t host the team’s first game until 2010. Doesn’t stop Philly sports fans from going and mocking New England as the Buffalo Bills of the MLS, or the Red Bulls for their current zero MLS cups. All this for what is decisively America’s Fifth Sport.
The Baltimore Ravens couldn’t summon that kind of dedication from their fans in a million years; if those fans were capable of it, they would still live in Baltimore.