Hater’s Guide to the Postseason: AFC 2nd Seed — Pittsburgh Steelers
SCENE 1 — Anthropology Lab, Duquesne University, Pittsburgh
Professor: (studying printouts) Fascinating. Tom, look at this. (motions to graduate assistant)
The Steelers and Cowboys are the NFL’s two most popular teams. I can account for the Cowboys’ popularity — Dallas is the nation’s 9th largest city, and for a long time it was the only team in the entire southwest United States.
Tom: Mmm-hmmm.
Professor: But I can’t seem to connect the dots on the Steelers’ fan base. Pittsburgh’s population is just a little more than 300,000, and it has regional competitors for fans in Philadelphia, Cleveland, Buffalo, Cincinnati, Washington, and Baltimore. I’d like to attribute it to the team’s massive success in the 1970s just as the steel industry failed, displacing fans across the country… but that simply doesn’t account for the numerous Steelers bars in every American city.
Tom: Mmm-hmmm.
Professor: It almost seems to be a pervasive, debilitating personality trait, in which seemingly intelligent people find ways to justify their fandom of a team they have little or no regional connection with, just because cheering for a team that tends to win more satisfies some aspect of their malformed personalities.
Tom: I see. So, yinz watchin’ the Stillers on Sunday?
Professor: Wait. You’re from Florida. Your father is a 49ers fan.
Tom: (waves yellow towel) Here we go, Stillers, HERE WE GO!
Professor: NNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
SCENE 2 — The National Security Council War Room
Scientist: Mr. President, it’s worse than we imagined. This pervasive personality disorder exists in every American city, and it spreads further every time the Steelers win.
President: What are our options? Can we quarantine?
Four-Star General: Impossible. We don’t have the manpower.
President: A vaccine?
Scientist: We’ve tried, sir, but Steelers fandom is extremely resilient. And WAY douchey.
CIA Director: Why don’t we just stop the Steelers from winning? Maybe a snatch-and-grab of James Harrison and Troy Polamalu? Keep them in Guantanamo until after the Super Bowl?
President: We can’t take that chance. I’ve got Pittsburgh in the office playoffs pool.
Four-Star General: Sir, I think it’s time we looked at eliminating Ground Zero of the problem.
President: You mean…?
Four-Star General: Yes. I mean an atomic attack on Pittsburgh. (pauses) Mr. President… are you ready for some football?
President: Fuck yes! That place sucks! (launches nuclear strike)
SCENE 3 — New York City, the following Sunday
Joey: Shame about Pittsburgh, huh?
Mark: Not really.
(they high-five)
Joey: Man, I am SO looking forward to watching Chargers-Steelers in a sports bar without a bunch of jackasses waving cheap hand towels and screaming at the TV.
Mark: Me too!
(they enter bar)
Zombie Fan 1: Nnnnggguhhhh… Kordell GAY!
Zombie Fan 2: Grrrrraaaaahhh… Fire Bruce Arians!
Zombie Fan 3: Mmmmugghhh… One for the… first finger on… second hand!
Joey: Fuck! Those cockroaches survived! Mark, we gotta get outta here!
Mark: Aw, c’mon, Joey. The game’s about to start. Besides, you gotta be impressed by dere loyalty. Look, even all the Stillers chicks got jerzees on.
Zombie Fan 1: Damn… Neil O’Donnell… Gaaarrrrggh… Must continue to bitch… despite team’s success.
Joey: Mark, WHAT’S WRONG WITH YOU? You can’t really be serious about watching the game with these assholes, can you?
Mark: You better redd up that mouth, neb-nose. My favorite aunt was a Stillers fan! I growed up rootin’ for this tihm! Kind of! When they won! I know all about dere great historih from before I was born! I studded it on Wicker-peedy-er!
Joey: No! They got you too!
SCENE 4 — The White House, Washington, D.C.
President: Hey, how ya like my jersey?
Chief of Staff: NNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
(dials emergency number)
Secretary of Defense: Hello?
Chief of Staff: Mr. Secretary, we have to re-schedule the inauguration for RIGHT NOW! It’s about President Bush, sir. We’ve… we’ve lost him. He’s more dislikable than ever.
Secretary of Defense: I’m afraid it’s too late, Junior.
Chief of Staff: So that’s it, then. This is how our republic falls.
Secretary of Defense: Not yet. We still have one last hope.
Chief of Staff: Are you saying…?
Secretary of Defense: We better ask somebody.
SCENE 5 — The San Diego Chargers Locker Room
(a phone rings)
Marmalard: THE FUCK DO YOU WANT?
Tags: captain caveman, George Romero actually went to Carnegie Mellon, marmalard, Night of the Asshole Fans, pittsburgh steelers, Ufford Photoshops
![[badge]](http://cdn.ksk.uproxx.com/wp-content/themes/default/images/100121_FOXmsnBadge_200x50.gif)
January 5th, 2009 at 9:53 am
Thank you for making my morning infinitely better…
Steelers fans are the biggest douches on earh.
January 5th, 2009 at 9:53 am
Well played. And douchy.
January 5th, 2009 at 9:54 am
Wait, which zombie is Ape again?
January 5th, 2009 at 9:55 am
So you’ve spent 2 years setting up the Marmalard line. Well done sirs.
\Still rooting for the fucking Stillers over that asshole.
\\Colts beat all four of the remaining AFC teams. Fuck.
\\\Fuck Fuck Fuck
January 5th, 2009 at 10:03 am
granted my only insight is having watched a ton of The West Wing, but isnt it called the situation room?
January 5th, 2009 at 10:05 am
And the Kolber for best special effects in a KSK skit goes to…..Captain Caveman.
*slow clap*
January 5th, 2009 at 10:07 am
I don’t comment usually, but that was FUCKING HILARIOUS as all get out. Well played.
January 5th, 2009 at 10:14 am
GOLD. Extremely funny.
January 5th, 2009 at 10:16 am
Even though I’m a Yinzer, I found this hilarious.
January 5th, 2009 at 10:17 am
Still trying to figure out how Charlotte, NC has three Steelers bars. Seriously – we have an NFL team playing less than 5 miles from where two of them are.
January 5th, 2009 at 10:18 am
I agree with L’il Lebowski. The payoff on this one was gold, Jerry, gold.
Anyone seen the South Park episode with the homeless people?
“Change? Anyone got some change?”
January 5th, 2009 at 10:21 am
Excellent. I almost want the Chargers to win just for more Marmalard posts.
January 5th, 2009 at 10:23 am
So….we didn’t nuke Pittsburgh??
We better ask somebo — nope. Not doing it.
Can’t the Titans save us? I’ll even root for Lendale White.
January 5th, 2009 at 10:24 am
CC is so good at the Internet. Strong way to get the divisional week going, gents.
January 5th, 2009 at 10:25 am
A post from Ufford about the Steelers that doesn’t include “wah wah wah the refs stole the Super Bowl from us?”
Didn’t think that was possible. Nice work.
January 5th, 2009 at 10:26 am
Excellent. If you had thrown in a picture of Ape with the zombie Steelers fans, I’d get Brian Russell to swallow your gravy.
January 5th, 2009 at 10:26 am
Luuugggggaaahhhh… USE THE I-FORMATION MORE!
January 5th, 2009 at 10:29 am
ZOMBIE APE HAS A LOTTA SPLAININ TO DO.
January 5th, 2009 at 10:31 am
http://vids.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=vids.individual&videoid=4328974&searchid=b0146ad4-5f75-4bea-aef2-8fea588d8caf
January 5th, 2009 at 10:33 am
No douchey Stiller post is complete without the most important information being provided…….
Jerome Bettis is from Detroit!!
January 5th, 2009 at 10:37 am
Should the Whale’s Vagina Chargers win, I predict that the interweb will blow up from the massive amount of responses to the Marmalard post.
January 5th, 2009 at 10:39 am
“I can account for the Cowboys’ popularity — Dallas is the nation’s 9th largest city, and for a long time it was the only team in the entire southwest United States.”
You forgot to add, “Plus, their fans from outside the area are front-running assholes and secret fans of ‘Jem’ who really get off on stars.”
January 5th, 2009 at 10:40 am
Doesn’t Ape usually write these things? Why didn’t he write this one? Oh, yeah.
/Brilliant
January 5th, 2009 at 10:43 am
Holy Shit that was funny
January 5th, 2009 at 10:48 am
I have nothing clever or funny to say.
That is awesome though.
<3 Warren
January 5th, 2009 at 10:53 am
yaarrgghhh…Ben holds the ball too long
January 5th, 2009 at 10:55 am
“Professor: It almost seems to be a pervasive, debilitating personality trait, in which seemingly intelligent people find ways to justify their fandom of a team they have little or no regional connection with, just because cheering for a team that tends to win more satisfies some aspect of their malformed personalities.”
Seemingly intelligent people? Have you *met* Steeler fans?
January 5th, 2009 at 10:58 am
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MPh0-fVV4D8
January 5th, 2009 at 11:00 am
+1 Ape
January 5th, 2009 at 11:01 am
The atomic strike is risky, it might actually improve the Pittsburgh area’s roads
January 5th, 2009 at 11:04 am
That was the best payoff since the first time I masturbated.
January 5th, 2009 at 11:10 am
Phillip Rivers or Jack Bauer. I’d take Rivers. Bauer always bitches that he needs more time…..
January 5th, 2009 at 11:10 am
I can’t believe I’m actually starting to root for Marmalard.
January 5th, 2009 at 11:16 am
I so want Lazerface to win the Super Bowl now.
January 5th, 2009 at 11:17 am
It hurts because it’s true. Stopped watching the games at Steeler bars for that reason.
“Hey you in the Parker jersey! Come sit with us and drink some coffee! I call every player by their first name, even special teamers!”
That being said, I find every team’s fans douchey and irritating.
January 5th, 2009 at 11:18 am
Great KSK post, or greatest KSK post?
January 5th, 2009 at 11:19 am
That is a super cool Nokia Marmalard is sporting there. You can store like 30 phone numbers in that and it has that badass dizzy ringtone.
January 5th, 2009 at 11:24 am
One last hope, indeed. I will go into this game rooting for Marmalard, but will find it at least somewhat enjoyable when the Steelers’ defense eats him alive.
January 5th, 2009 at 11:25 am
Great job. This is the first decent post since Peezy was axing for RESPECT for Chad.
January 5th, 2009 at 11:28 am
@WhoDey: Um… look, since you’re obviously a Bengals fan, I wouldn’t be making any comments on the intelligence of other fans.
As a Pittsburgher, I found this post hilarious. Extra points for doing it as a zombie movie, which demonstrates more knowledge of Pittsburgh than you seem to want to admit.
January 5th, 2009 at 11:37 am
Can of RAID at the back bar of Buffalo Billiards would do the trick.
January 5th, 2009 at 11:40 am
Thanks for reminding me how fucking annoying it is listening to twenty-something Stillers fans going on about the Steel Curtain. You fucks “remember” that like I remember the moon landings. Seriously, If I went around yammering about how great Roger Staubach was, sooner or later I’d get punched in the nuts. And I’d deserve it.
January 5th, 2009 at 11:42 am
/wonders if Ape is gonna verbally dicksmack TTGT again.
January 5th, 2009 at 11:43 am
//thought theres not much to work with.
January 5th, 2009 at 11:48 am
Holy Shit, I just watched Luther’s video link. I was a little ambivelent about Pittsburgh before – hated the team, but didn’t mind yunzers. Now I agree with with turning the whole area into a charred wasteland. All yunzers must be hunted down and killed.
January 5th, 2009 at 12:02 pm
awesome.
I’m a steelers fan, but not a yinzer…wait no NOOOOOOOOOOOO!
*gets brain eaten by fat yinzer zombie in levon kirkland jersey*
urrrrrrrr….offensive line baaaad, titans stomp on towel…urrrggghhhhh
January 5th, 2009 at 12:05 pm
You had me at “(motions to graduate assistant)”
January 5th, 2009 at 12:17 pm
Did Walt Coleman survive the blast?
January 5th, 2009 at 12:18 pm
No words …. They should … have sent … a poet.
January 5th, 2009 at 12:18 pm
Can some one take the LT Palamolou-Reed commercial and replace LT with a midget? Please.
January 5th, 2009 at 12:20 pm
I think Bruckheimer and Bay can turn this into the summer smash of ‘09!
January 5th, 2009 at 12:22 pm
Fuck the Steelers for being the Steelers….and fuck them for forcing me to root for Marmalard.
January 5th, 2009 at 12:29 pm
more like +1000000 ape, for that vid
January 5th, 2009 at 12:29 pm
I’m impressed the rivers seem to completely block the mushroom cloud. However, Heinz field is on the other side so we’ll have to nuke it again just to make sure.
January 5th, 2009 at 12:33 pm
Ugh…can’t the Pittsburgh Defense just win this game and become their own team? Kinda like seceeding from the Union?
They could be called the Pittsburgh “Likeables”
January 5th, 2009 at 12:34 pm
Im not a Chargers fan, but Philip Rivers is my favorite player. Yeah, hes a douche, but like it or not, Marmalard is growing on everyone.
Nobody else here thinks it would be awesome for him to beat Pittsburgh, Balmer and then the Giants in the Super Bowl? Especially after taking out Denver and Indy? Rivers is killing douchebag coaches, quarterbacks AND fan bases. Give it up people, King Philip and his army of Tiny Darren are the savior of football.
Indeed, ya bette ask somebodaaay!!
January 5th, 2009 at 12:37 pm
Fucking. Awesome.
January 5th, 2009 at 12:43 pm
Well played, Caveman.
This post needs the Marmalard tag for the archives. Maybe after a week, so not to spoil the twist ending?
January 5th, 2009 at 12:43 pm
Fucking awesome. +1 CC. I haven’t laughed that hard in a while.
January 5th, 2009 at 12:46 pm
Silverback wins DPOY
http://www.post-gazette.com/pg/09005/939707-100.stm
Urge to douche…RISING!
January 5th, 2009 at 12:47 pm
the real question is..what kind of douchey fans are they? Summers Eve or Massengil?
January 5th, 2009 at 12:54 pm
/starts slow clap
and +1 at Ape’s youtube
January 5th, 2009 at 12:55 pm
This post is now among my top 5 all time. I lol’ed.
January 5th, 2009 at 1:00 pm
It really was all leading up to this one post. I laughed so hard and so long, even my boss heard me.
Doesn’t change the fact that Marmalard and his tiny Darren have grown on me to the point I’m actually cheering for the Chargers, if only to get a few more posts. (Especially since the Sex Cannon seems to be in the Witness Protection Program these days)
We better ask somebody indeed…
January 5th, 2009 at 1:06 pm
So good…
There seems to be a dirth of Stillers fans stabbing their own eyes out and calling out a jihad on KSK for some unknown reason.
Maybe that’s because, with the exception of the asshole fans common among all teams, we are resonably intelligent people with a sense of humor unlike the Bengals’, Browns’, and Ravens’ fans whose only joy in life is watching Pittsburgh get shit on undeservedly.
Chargers 21 Pittsburgh 27
January 5th, 2009 at 1:06 pm
Tremendous work!
It is a tribute to modern targetting technology that the weaponry could find Pittsburgh through all of the pollution.
/Thanks for not recycling that picture of that fat chick with the stillers jersey on.
January 5th, 2009 at 1:13 pm
DeAngelo Williams wins MVP; DeMarcus Ware DPOY!
/what shoulda happened
January 5th, 2009 at 1:21 pm
Please please please gimme sequel.
Mo Marmalard = happy fun time.
January 5th, 2009 at 1:24 pm
the real question is..what kind of douchey fans are they? Summers Eve or Massengil?
I’m not sure about the Stillers fans, but I know what kind of douche Pey Pey is.
January 5th, 2009 at 1:30 pm
Jesus Christ….you have started the week off with a bang. Gonna be hard to top this one. I NEVER expected Marmalard to make an appearance in this skit. But after reading it again, it now seems so obvious he would appear. Big props to you today CC !! Job well done.
Fucking Marmalard, God Damn that is good !!
January 5th, 2009 at 1:33 pm
Otto Man! Fuck! I fucking trusted you and clicked! FUCK!
/washes eyes in kerosene
January 5th, 2009 at 1:34 pm
I’d watch that movie. Will it star Michael Rappaport?
January 5th, 2009 at 1:40 pm
Favorite Ufford post ever, including anything I ever liked on Karmic Payback.
January 5th, 2009 at 1:58 pm
Bravo, good sir. Bravo indeed!
January 5th, 2009 at 2:29 pm
For the record, the director of the CIA is a huge yinzer.
January 5th, 2009 at 3:20 pm
I love you CC.
January 5th, 2009 at 3:42 pm
For the record, the director of the CIA is a huge yinzer.
This is kind of unsettling.
January 5th, 2009 at 3:53 pm
Even more mystifying to me is the number of Browns Backers organizations EVERYWHERE around the frickin’ world. I mean, the Browns are my team and all, but they’ve pretty much defined mediocrity for almost 20 years now. WTF?
January 5th, 2009 at 4:32 pm
@ WaitTillNextYear
Because every Cleveland Browns fan that had the means got the hell out of that city during the days of Brian Sipe.
January 5th, 2009 at 4:39 pm
Pure. Awesome.
/is rooting for the NFC for now on
January 5th, 2009 at 4:52 pm
Three Steelers bars in Charlotte? I’d say there are at least 5.
Here’s your avoidance list.
http://www.steeleraddicts.com/steelersbars.shtml
One is never too far away… even in Alaska or Hawaii.
January 5th, 2009 at 6:05 pm
For the record, I love the post.
January 5th, 2009 at 6:17 pm
That was amazing…easily the funniest thing I’ve read in 2009.
January 5th, 2009 at 6:30 pm
this blog is the internet’s testicular cancer.
January 5th, 2009 at 6:47 pm
golf clap for that one. fucking awesome. at first glance it looks like obama has a huge fucking spliff in his mouth
January 5th, 2009 at 7:35 pm
A lot of people are displaced from Western PA.
Especially after the Steel industry went under. They took their “fandom” with them.
Not that anyone is interested in hearing reason.
January 5th, 2009 at 7:44 pm
Outstanding. And a huge payoff at the end.
I’m another one starting to kinda root for Marmalard, but more so for Tiny Darren. How can you not love a midget shot out of a cannon?
All of which makes it more painful for me that I’m going to watch my boys splatter Sproles all over the field on Sunday while Troy pulls down a couple Rivers’ floaters.
January 5th, 2009 at 8:31 pm
A lot of people are displaced from Western PA. Especially after the Steel industry went under. They took their “fandom” with them. Not that anyone is interested in hearing reason.
And from the original post:
“I’d like to attribute it to the team’s massive success in the 1970s just as the steel industry failed, displacing fans across the country…”
Not that anyone is interested in reading before bitching.
January 5th, 2009 at 8:37 pm
@ An Army of Rooneys
Most of those places listed are just sports bars where a handful of steelers people go. Only a couple are what one might consider “Steelers Bars”, e.g. IC Light and the Steelers Polka.
@ Grimmbles
A midget shot out of a cannon…couldn’t have said it better myself. Awesome
January 5th, 2009 at 8:46 pm
its over, you win the internet
January 6th, 2009 at 12:25 am
So I was looking at that long list of Steelers bars, and I couldn’t find a single one that is located in a black neighborhood.
Huh. I wonder why that is?
January 6th, 2009 at 12:36 am
As a Pittsburgh resident, but not a native, and definitely not a Steelers fan, BEST. POST. EVER.
And as all of those things mentioned above, I can’t wait to not live here any more.
January 6th, 2009 at 1:55 am
Flawless fucking victory, CC.
January 6th, 2009 at 4:37 am
Can’t seem to ge the San Diego Super Chargers song out of my head.
January 6th, 2009 at 7:57 am
@dinosaur
You can identify black neighborhoods throughout the U.S. simply by looking at addresses? What other cool little tricks do you have?
January 6th, 2009 at 10:40 am
To be fair, not one of them was on any MLK Boulevard.
January 6th, 2009 at 2:17 pm
zegaarrahh … zombie movies were made in pittsburgh… zugh everyone knows ravens fans are worse
seriously ravens fans are the worst, not a damn sense of football knowledge in 80 of there brains. Zombie stillers still use remaining 3 brain cells to know why bruce arian sucks and make arguments about ben being better than flacco.
And new york? You just took douche fans and put them in with regular douche bags.
January 6th, 2009 at 10:32 pm
Sequel! Sequel!
January 7th, 2009 at 10:07 am
As a Steelers fan, I am flattered that you all deem us important enough to a.) write this clever post and b.) come on here and bash the team and the fan base repeatedly in the comments section.
I did however find this pretty damned funny.
AND to the Bengals fan(s) on here insulting Steelers fans (or any other fans really), give it a rest. The only sellouts you ever get are when the Steelers, Browns, and Ravens come to town. Your team is an embarassment to the AFC North.
January 7th, 2009 at 10:18 am
Funny stuff. Yeah baby, Fire Bruce Arians! Nuking Bruce is acceptable.
http://FireBruceArians.com
Sorry, didn’t get the Marmalard reference but do love that goofy picture of the goofy-looking Phirrip Livers.
January 7th, 2009 at 9:31 pm
Coming from a Steeler fan… this is hilarious. You could have also used, “you gotta give ‘da ball to Willy Parker”
January 8th, 2009 at 6:28 am
Another Steeler fan who finds this high-larious.
January 8th, 2009 at 9:14 am
Nice stuff. Zombie theory might explain the ability of Stiller fans to materialize suddenly in any given NFL city.
January 8th, 2009 at 1:55 pm
+1 Kordell Stewart’s Scar Tissue
As a Steelers fan from Pittsburgh, this is hysterical. I got linked to this site through mondesishouse, I’m going to have to read the other team previews and investigate this marmalard phenomenon a bit further.
But ya, that pic is great, and ya, I fucking hate Philip Rivers. Which is why I’m worried about this game. Losing to him at home in the playoffs would suck hard.
January 8th, 2009 at 2:55 pm
I’m also from Pittsburgh and a life-long steelers fan and also really got a kick out of this. Especially with the “redd up” and “neb-nose” references. Good job guys, you must have done some research
January 9th, 2009 at 9:54 am
Thanks for this, I’m a Yinzer, and Steeler fan, but the fans do tend to get too douchy n’at. The final pic made me bust at work though… Hopefully yinz won’t get me fired! Go Stillers!
January 19th, 2009 at 9:07 am
not bad, not bad. i can tell you that theres tons of steelers fans everywhere because lots of people leave pittsburgh and never stop cheering for our team.