God Explains The Wild Card Round
Many people scoff at the idea that God can control the outcome of sporting events, or that He even cares. But those people are wrong. God does control the games, AND He cares a great deal. Today, He explains why He let the outcomes of Round 1 of the NFL playoffs happen as they did.
Before I get to this week’s games, I want to address the issue of Kurt Warner trying to draw Me…
Excuse me, Kurt. Would you mind if I go just right ahead and direct you to the Second Commandment. You know, the one I wrote…
Thou shalt not make unto thee any graven image, or any likeness of any thing that is in heaven above…
See that “heaven above” language right there? That me means Me. I’m from heaven. I built the damn place. YOU DON’T FUCKING DRAW ME, MOTHERFUCKER! I WILL NOW GIVE YOUR FUCKING FAMILY CANCER!
/gives family cancer
These fucking people… they claim to live by Me, and then they go and just doodle Me (badly, I might add), as if it’s nothing. As if they aren’t VIOLATING ONE OF THE MOST FUNDAMENTAL TENETS OF MY HEAVENLY LAW. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST.
I don’t like it when people try to draw Me. They never get it right. They always fuck up the nose. I have a good nose. I don’t have one of those fucked up Owen Wilson noses. Besides, I can take on many various forms. Sometimes I look like a human being. Other times, I like to turn myself into fine mist and then sneak into ladies’ bedrooms when they’re fingering the honeypot. That’s some solid misting, right there.
Other times, I like to take the form of a cloud. Why? NONE OF YOUR FUCKING BUSINESS, THAT‘S WHY. I also enjoy taking the form of a very bright white light. That’s a classic one. And at night? That’s wolfie time.
Didn’t think God was a lycanthrope, did you? Well, I am. Sometimes, I like to turn into a wolf. Then I run into the forest, find a six-point buck, and then rip its throat right out. BAM! NATURAL SELECTION THERE, BUCKY! MY SELECTION! YOU GOT SERVED.
You know who it’s fun to turn into from time to time? Dylan McDermott. You should see the looks I get on the street when I turn into that guy. I bet he’s just drowning in pussy. Good stuff.
Anyway, it bears repeating, DON’T DRAW ME. And since you, Kurt Warner, have crossed Me once more, I assure you Deangelo Williams and the Panthers will tear you a new Godhole come Saturday night. Fuckhead. Enjoy the loss. And the cancer.
Last week, I allowed the Ravens to beat the Dolphins because the city of Miami is a den of sin and sodomy. Sometimes I turn on the Godscope and point it a Miami, and I swear I have no clue what I’m looking at. Are those three Cuban men fucking in that alleyway? Four? Why is there a Chihuahua there? Why are they smearing bananas on each other? Yuck. Not cool.
I also allowed the Chargers to beat the Colts. A lot of people might think I like Tony Dungy, since he worships Me and all. Well, to be frank, I think he’s stealing a bit of My thunder. I get it, people. Tony Dungy is a swell guy. But you don’t praise him. You praise ME. STOP STEALING MY THUNDER, TONY DUNGY! ONLY I KNOW HOW TO MAKE IT!
As for the Vikings… FUCK THEM. THEY’LL NEVER WIN A TITLE IN A MILLION YEARS AS LONG AS A SHADY JEW OWNS THEM! I DECLARE IT SO!
Tags: Big Daddy Drew, god explains the NFL, god is a werewolf, god is horny, god is smoky, going to hell
January 7th, 2009 at 10:08 am
Well, that’s the first and last time God and Dylan McDermott appear within 500 words (or yards) of each other.
January 7th, 2009 at 10:10 am
OH HE GON SERVE. BULEE DAT!
January 7th, 2009 at 10:11 am
I allowed the Ravens to beat the Dolphins because the city of Miami is a den of sin and sodomy.
And Baltimore isn’t?
January 7th, 2009 at 10:11 am
God threw the cardinals a bone because of that one time he got a insane handjob from a 37 year old, over tanned bartender named Betsy out at Lake Havasu.
Good times god, good times.
January 7th, 2009 at 10:24 am
There is no rational for God to favor the city of Baltimore, unless he enjoys syphilis and heroin.
January 7th, 2009 at 10:29 am
Hey God,
Can you teach me that misty trick?
January 7th, 2009 at 10:29 am
In XM radio public service spots, Tony Dungy tells me to spend more time hugging and playing with my children. He says it’ll make me a better father.
/he’s the expert
January 7th, 2009 at 10:45 am
God’s just jealous that more people worship Peyton on Sundays than Him.
January 7th, 2009 at 10:54 am
“natural selection” fucking priceless. A great post as always.
January 7th, 2009 at 10:54 am
So is gods affinity for lycanthropes why we keep getting these retarded Underworld movies. not that im complaining about getting the opportunity to see Kate Beckinsale in tight black leather.
January 7th, 2009 at 10:56 am
Dear Lord,
If you allow the Eagles to beat the Giants this Sunday, I promise never to beat my “little Giant” ever again.
January 7th, 2009 at 10:57 am
God seems a little more self-involved this week.
January 7th, 2009 at 11:00 am
“When the moon is found and full / gonna teach you tricks that’ll blow your mongrel mind”
January 7th, 2009 at 11:05 am
I promise never to beat my “little Giant” ever again.
You mean your “little Joselio”. “Giant” dick references are reserved for dick Giants fans only.
January 7th, 2009 at 11:22 am
Werewolf God would put some asses in the pews.
January 7th, 2009 at 12:05 pm
Peezy don’t like when God makes Miami lose.
THATS DISRESPECT!!! FIX YO MOUF GOD!
January 7th, 2009 at 12:14 pm
In the name of the Father, the Locker Room Mist, and the Holy Werewolf, amen
January 7th, 2009 at 12:24 pm
God lets the Ravens win because he thinks it is funny that every white suburbanite living there thinks that he is Avon Barksdale, hence the urban camo. Someone call McNulty and the Bunk!
January 7th, 2009 at 12:40 pm
Quick, Kurt. Make up with God! Dontate some money to the Human Fund.
Sacrifice Brenda. Anything!
January 7th, 2009 at 12:40 pm
I’m going to miss these
January 7th, 2009 at 12:50 pm
Do we go to hell for reading and laughing or is just BDD. Maybe we get off with purgatory.
January 7th, 2009 at 1:00 pm
@schooner: I think we have to drive the bus around to pick up souls like that guy in “Heart and Souls.” That’s right, I’ve seen it. Charles Grodin in the mother fucking house, baby!
I’ll show myself out.
January 7th, 2009 at 1:39 pm
I like the Underworld movies. Should I not admit that?
/Didn’t know that was part of the 2nd Commandment.
January 7th, 2009 at 1:46 pm
You got it wrong: Kurt Warner is God. He’s simply drawing a self-image M.C. Escher style
NFL Playoffs - Figuring Out Who To Root For
http://dagblog.com/humor-satire/nfl-playoffs-figuring-out-who-root-383
January 7th, 2009 at 2:48 pm
Catholics (and I think Lutherans) read from the same Old Testament texts as Jews and other Christians, but they bunch “The Lord Your God/have no other gods/make no idols” bit into the First Commandment. In this post, God said the Second Commandment is the “no graven images” thing. God just boxed out the Catholics! And maybe the Lutherans. So much the better.
January 7th, 2009 at 4:00 pm
Those weren’t bananas, they were plantains and…….I’ve said too much.
January 7th, 2009 at 6:27 pm
Dylan McDermott. interesting selection, yet — yes! CHUH CHUH
“because the city of Miami is a den of sin and sodomy”
well that explains the Niners’ and Raiders’ records of recent memory
and, i guess “Mehole” would indeed have been asking for that personalized lightning bolt so, yeah, good choice