God Explains The Divisional Round Of The NFL Playoffs
Hello, My children. Remember the 1990s when I totally fucked the Buffalo Bills at every turn? Hehe. That was hilarious.
Many people have prayed into My Hotline and expressed their discontent with the run of the Baltimore Ravens. How could You, they profess, rally behind Stabby McStabsalot and his band of rapists, thieves,
and rapists? To be honest, I have a total chubby for Joseph Flacco. He just needed some help against Tennessee. That blown safety call and that delay of game call? Yep, that was Me!
People think of the South as My country, but honestly? Fuck the South. If I can burn Tennessee AND North Carolina in one weekend, you know I’m gonna smoke that pipe. Those bastards use My House as their own fucking country club so they can plan their dinky little meat-and-three dinner parties? It’s not fucking high school, people. GO TO CHURCH AND BE BORED LIKE EVERYONE ELSE, FAGGOTS. At least that way I know you’re just there for Me.
But what about Kurt Warner? I really was on the fence about letting his team advance. Thing is, the playoffs really aren’t fun for Me unless somebody totally shits the bed. And fucking with those cajuns is more fun than, oh, just about anything that isn’t combustable. Remember that it’s totally okay to hate people that don’t live in the same geographic area as you. I said “Love thy neighbor,” not “love everyone.” Because, damn, how miserable and frustrating would THAT be?
Oh, and Kurt? THANKS AGAIN FOR THE PICTURE YOU DREW OF ME, FUCKFACE! YOU MAKE SIX MILLION DOLLARS A YEAR! YOU COULDN’T SHELL OUT FOR SOME FUCKING WATERCOLORS? Guess what, asshole, I drew a picture of you! Wanna see it?
Enjoy sticking that dildo up your ass, shithead. Your wife will appreciate the night off.
Donovan McNabb? Wasn’t me. Hey, I had nothing to do with that shit, I swear. You don’t see any black quarterbacks in the New Testament, do you? People think his getting benched brought his groove back, like it was some near-death experience. Truth was, I tried to kill Donovan that same week, and I totally screwed it up. So his figurative near-death experience was replaced by a literal near-death experience, and you know how those go. And just for future reference, never drop a piano without careful planning beforehand.
I would have felt like a total dingus if I hadn’t let one home team win. And before you lump Me in with those douchebags in Steeler Nation, hear Me out. Would you REALLY want to see the Chargers, those shit-eating 8-8 Chargers, get into the Super Bowl? Do you really want a BCS in the NFL? Should I reward that bitch Tomlinson for sitting out? Again? Plus Roethisberger’s a big dumb animal. He’s not getting to the Super Bowl if he has anything to say about it.
Anyway, that’s what happened last week. So don’t bother me on Sunday after 3, because I’ll be watching the CBS pregame show. That Shannon Sharpe is amazing. Did you know his great-grandmother was a duck-billed platypus? Oh, and don’t forget, I AM THE LORD AND THE WAY, NOT SOME COCKSUCKING MICROMANAGER! I HAVE BIGGER FISH TO FRY! NOW SOMEBODY KILL ME A SHEEP! WOOOO! GO RAVENS!
Tags: god explains the NFL, MMP
January 14th, 2009 at 12:56 pm
“Remember the 1990s when I totally fucked the Buffalo Bills at every turn? Hehe. That was hilarious.”
yes God I remember and it was not hilarious.
January 14th, 2009 at 12:59 pm
fucking Baltimore homer. damn you God.
January 14th, 2009 at 1:01 pm
NOW SOMEBODY KILL ME A SHEEP!
Rod Marinelli has already been sacrificed, O Lord.
But tell us who else to smite and he shall be smoted.
January 14th, 2009 at 1:03 pm
How could You, they profess, rally behind Stabby McStabsalot and his band of rapists, thieves,
and rapists?
You said rape twice.
/i like rape
January 14th, 2009 at 1:05 pm
so at the end of all those Bills superbowl losses when i was cursing “God Damn it!!!” over and over again I *WAS* addressing the right person.
January 14th, 2009 at 1:07 pm
I can only assume that by mentioning Tennessee and North Carolina in the same sentence, a series of BBW-related comments is bound to ensue.
VINEGAR / MOLASSES
January 14th, 2009 at 1:08 pm
Or I could have spelled it “BBQ” like a normal human being. Jackass
January 14th, 2009 at 1:08 pm
i love me a Blazzing Saddles qoute
January 14th, 2009 at 1:12 pm
@DeepFriar, TN and NC could also generate a series of BBW (big, beautiful women) comments
Fat / super fat
January 14th, 2009 at 1:12 pm
“That blown safety call and that delay of game call? Yep, that was Me!”
The CBS Postgame show, say what you want about what complete tools they are, showed a replay of the supposed-safety from the back of the end zone. Flacco was a good yard inside the end zone, so it definitely wasn’t a blown call. Never-the-less, fuck the Ravens and the CBS studio team.
“Remember the 1990s when I totally fucked the Buffalo Bills at every turn? Hehe. That was hilarious.”
Really, KSK, is this the best you can do to engage Bills fans: just tangentially mentioning a decade of suffering? Fuck you and your large/popular market bias.
January 14th, 2009 at 1:13 pm
@DeepFriar: being a lover of zaftig women, I was looking forward to some BBW posts.
January 14th, 2009 at 1:16 pm
“Brenda’s Night Off,” your 2009 TFFL Champions!
January 14th, 2009 at 1:19 pm
@chad
maybe he’s referring to the actual safety that occurred when Chris Johnson’s knee was down in their own endzone. they also got an extra down there too!
http://www.profootballtalk.com/2009/01/12/titans-avoided-safety-got-an-extra-down/
January 14th, 2009 at 1:20 pm
@flacco
How would that blown call help Flacco and the Ravens?
January 14th, 2009 at 1:24 pm
Rapists, thieves and rapists? Wasn’t that a Cher song?
January 14th, 2009 at 1:24 pm
admit it BDB. your daughter drew that picture of you. holding a bong. with Jean Grey on your head.
/really really hope it was a bong
January 14th, 2009 at 1:32 pm
If God approves of purple camo pants, then I need to start hanging out with the Buddhist Koreans at the deli.
January 14th, 2009 at 1:33 pm
Why’s Kurt Warner wearing a pirate costume? Not that I care–because it’s hilarious, I was just wondering…
January 14th, 2009 at 1:34 pm
@chad and flacco
Seriously though, I was wondering how that works when I saw that replay. What’s the call if a ball carrier’s knee is down in their own endzone but the ball has crossed the the plane exiting the endzone? Anyone?
January 14th, 2009 at 1:34 pm
Is God going to send His quarterback to Tampa to thwart those who would get their Sacred Sixth before His team? Why yes, yes he is.
January 14th, 2009 at 1:42 pm
@TF
If your knee is down in the end zone, and the ball is completely outside of the endzone, then it is no safety. From the picture on the link,
http://www.profootballtalk.com/2009/01/12/titans-avoided-safety-got-an-extra-down/
it looks like there is still a little bit of the ball still within the plane of the endzone, therefore, it could’ve been called a safety had harbaugh chose to review the play.
Now let me a stereotypical ravens fan for a moment and just note how much the national media talked about Flacco nearly stepping out of the endzone, yet no one mentions the fact the ravens actually got a safety with that Chris johnson play…
January 14th, 2009 at 1:50 pm
down goes Ufford photoshops!
January 14th, 2009 at 2:05 pm
Jesus must be a Ravens fan. I seen him walking around Fells Point all the time!
January 14th, 2009 at 2:31 pm
The Kurt Warner that worships me is not a corny Kurt Warner.
January 14th, 2009 at 3:09 pm
god, what I’d really like to know is why both Millen and Marinilli continue to find professional success with new career opportunities. is it irony? are you making some sort of deep statement about the futility of life? please help me out.
January 14th, 2009 at 3:12 pm
Alls I know is that:
1) Shannon Sharpe is an illiterate idiot
2) Rooting for the Ravens or Steelers is like cheering the tuurrorists
3) The Cardinals better not fuck this up
4) If God is a merciful God, why must he ruin my season so unmercifully?
5) That picture of Warner looked like Ufford was shrooming when he drew it
January 14th, 2009 at 4:51 pm
Hey God, many thanks for the demise of the shit-eating Chargers. Would have preferred if you had saw fit to make this so back on the 28th of December however…
January 14th, 2009 at 11:00 pm
because of these posts, the pope voted for ksk as the web’s best sports blog. who sez catholics got no sense of humor?