God Explains The Conference Championship Games
Hello, my children. How joyous this day when it has been revealed that I’ve given you a new presidential messiah. And you fools thought he was a secret Muslim. Nope. God went and got freaky with a black chick and he had Him a second son. Wasn’t the first either. That’s right. Jesus had Aretha Franklin at his inauguration too. So enjoy.
To Warner and Roethlisberger, I am not yet ready to disclose which of you will take home your second Super Bowl title and which I will consign to bitter, Meforsaken defeat. But know this: to whomever I go with, the checklist of thank-yous just got longer. Postgame, you thank, in order: Me, then Jesus, then Obama. I will not have my sons spurned! You fucked up last time Ben, and I gave you an asphalt facial. This time it gets updated to magma.
You know, I initially was going to make it so the Ravens made it to the grandest stage (other than personal one I got up here with all the nekkid dancers) so I could hear Ray Lewis and Kurt battle to namecheck Me the most during pregame, but that Joe Flacco makes it so obvious that he’s going to throw it Derrick Mason that even my divine powers could not stop defensive backs from intercepting his telegraphed passes. I only help those who help themselves. AND BOTHER TO TRIM THEIR ME-DAMNED UNIBROW! CLEANLINESS IS NEXT TO ME-LINESS!
I allowed the Cardinals to win even though their fans are wayward in faith and burn shit into the opposing quarterback’s lawn, because, well, did you really think I was going to give Philadelphia two major sports titles in one human lifetime? Not fucking likely.
Go in peace my children. Actually don’t. Be violent. I need something to entertain me during this pointless week off before the Bowl.
January 20th, 2009 at 1:49 pm
Dear Ape,
This week before the Super Bowl is not pointless, as it virtually assures that Ward will play.
Smirre!
January 20th, 2009 at 1:51 pm
Jesus’s middle name is “Hussein” too.
January 20th, 2009 at 1:51 pm
Thank you God for giving me that Eagles loss.. YOU ROCK!!!
January 20th, 2009 at 1:56 pm
“You fucked up last time Ben, and I gave you an asphalt facial. This time it gets updated to magma.”
Very nicely set up… +1
January 20th, 2009 at 1:57 pm
CLEANLINESS IS NEXT TO ME-LINESS!
Nice
January 20th, 2009 at 1:57 pm
God went and got freaky with a black chick and he had Him a second son.
Jesus II’s mom was white.
/that guy
January 20th, 2009 at 2:13 pm
Do half black/half white people always pick to be black, instead of white?
/Guess qualifying for afirmative action, minority scholarships, etc., would be worth it.
January 20th, 2009 at 2:20 pm
“Do half black/half white people always pick to be black, instead of white?”
I lived in Chicago in the early part of this decade, and when Obama was asked why he portrayed himself as black, he replied that the media kept insisting he was, so he finally went along with it
January 20th, 2009 at 2:28 pm
Dear God,
You are a fraud. We all know you are a Stillers fan. I am now conspiring with the Devil to ensure a Cardinal victory. Kurt and his wife have been worshipping the Devil since ‘95. Why do you think that picture he drew was so fucked up?
January 20th, 2009 at 2:53 pm
But God… every destructive militant on this planet believes that burning effigies is a sign of respect to you all mighty? Why? Why must you confuse the poor souls? On a second note, could you take it easy on McGahee in the future? That guy has had it pretty fucking bad on the football field.
January 20th, 2009 at 3:12 pm
@Rocco:
As John Redcorn said once: “You say that know, but we’ll see which box you check off when he applies to colleges.”
January 20th, 2009 at 3:21 pm
It’s quite possible that Barack is Michelle’s third man, but it’s a FACT that he’s God’s second Son.
January 20th, 2009 at 3:28 pm
FIX YO PROOFREADING!!
January 20th, 2009 at 3:44 pm
“I allowed the Cardinals to win even though their fans are wayward in faith and burn shit into the opposing quarterback’s lawn, ”
Stay classy, Cardinals fans!
January 20th, 2009 at 5:04 pm
Pointless? Does God not care about the Senior Bowl?
/has wasted life
January 20th, 2009 at 6:17 pm
“Guess qualifying for afirmative action, minority scholarships, etc., would be worth it.”
yeah, being black is nothing but handouts. and the fun of dealing with racists fucks like you and Ben. that’s two posts in a row from you with some shit i normally don’t engage, but bring it today bitches.
January 20th, 2009 at 6:35 pm
God, you ain’t shit. You talk like a Cardinals-Steelers Super Bowl is somehow part of your divine plan, but that’s bullshit; there is no purpose to this matchup other than pissing off the majority of football fans. If you were honest you’d admit that you had no part in these turn of events, and that it was the fucked-up will of humanity that led to this travesty.
For now on, I’m going to worship a deity that has some actual stroke. Does anyone have the phone number for Ganesha?
January 20th, 2009 at 7:52 pm
That really sucks about McNabb’s family and property. I can’t think of anything funny to say about it.
January 20th, 2009 at 11:57 pm
That really sucks about McNabb’s family and property. I can’t think of anything funny to say about it.
Neither can I, but Tracy Jordan can: “Do you know it’s still a crime to be black in Arizona?!?”
/Go Steelers
//Fuck the Cardinals
January 21st, 2009 at 3:26 am
@foxxxy brown
Racism!!! Racism!!! Racism!!! Racism!!! Racism!!!Racism!!! Racism!!! Racism!!! Racism!!! Racism!!!Racism!!! Racism!!! Racism!!! Racism!!! Racism!!!Racism!!! Racism!!! Racism!!! Racism!!! Racism!!!Racism!!! Racism!!! Racism!!! Racism!!! Racism!!!Racism!!! Racism!!! Racism!!! Racism!!! Racism!!!Racism!!! Racism!!! Racism!!! Racism!!! Racism!!!Racism!!! Racism!!! Racism!!! Racism!!! Racism!!!Racism!!! Racism!!! Racism!!! Racism!!! Racism!!!Racism!!! Racism!!! Racism!!! Racism!!! Racism!!!Racism!!! Racism!!! Racism!!! Racism!!! Racism!!!
Fight ‘THE MAN’
January 21st, 2009 at 9:02 am
Do half black/half white people always pick to be black, instead of white?
Yeah, they’re the ones who get to pick. Are you retarded?
January 21st, 2009 at 11:11 am
@Foxy: I voted for Obama, so I’m not racist.
@Brian: I was really asking. If being black is so difficult, why wouldn’t someone half and half consider themselves white?
January 21st, 2009 at 11:19 am
Oh, and Foxy: you didn’t like my NAAWP idea? Fair’s fair, right?
January 21st, 2009 at 12:15 pm
@Rocco: Not to be an ass here, but I can’t believe you really asked that question. “Do half black/half white people always pick to be black, instead of white?” You really think that mixed race children get to CHOOSE which race to belong to? History tells us that white people wouldn’t accept a mixed race child because he or she had black features. Black people (for the most part) accept them, but there are still folks who are color-struck and can’t accept them either way. I know that times are a changing but damn, that was one ignorant question.
All that is to say, that mixed race children associate with whomever they are most comfortable with and if white people actually saw them as white, they might “choose” as you say, to be white. But since that isn’t the case, they don’t. That’s OK, I’ll accept all the Halle Berry’s, Leila Arcieri’s and Salli Richardson’s of the world.
/jumps off soap box
January 21st, 2009 at 1:21 pm
Relax, I’m not being serious. The question struck me because Obama is just as much white as he is black, yet is described (and not denied to be) a black man.
January 21st, 2009 at 1:25 pm
Aiight cool. Next thing you know we’ll be having an octoroon vs. quadroon discussion up in the KSK comments.
/Hooray RaFlaWa!!!
January 23rd, 2009 at 1:20 pm
I hear the winning QB is going to sacrifice whoever Peter King decides is the “Goat of the Week” on an alter after the game