YOU CAN’T BEAT PEYTON WITH LONG HAIR! HE’S LIKE SAMSON! Well, after the first day of playoff games, in which the Colts are one-and-done yet again, Edgerrin James and Mike Scifres are quixotically your two standout performers. Yes, the two division winners from the weakest divisions beat out two Wild Card teams fawned over by the media in startlingly entertaining contests. We can only hope Sunday offers similar treasures.

Thanks NBC for the total paucity of crowd shots in the opening game. And for “Ice, Ice Baby” vignette with Matty Ice.

Mike Ryan, who Matty Ice appearently ruined for life in a car accident, was on hand to watch his brother’s rookie year humbling. And show as little emotion as possible while doing so. C’MON CLAP OR SOMETHING MIKEY ICE!

That taint tackle: it is brutal in its efficiency. And unfortunate bruises.

“Hey, you Cardinals break up the sodomy fest. Don’t me get the hose. Or sock you in the marbles. Or get Leitch to gently massage them.”

Marmalard is ever the generous resource of ridiculous facial mannerisms and this was the best of the night. Which is why we’re enjoying the douche for at least one more week.

Oh San Diego, you are a fine repository of impossibly bosomed cheerleaders. We’ll miss you when you’re gone.