So, the matchup for Super Bowl XLIII is set: the team I hate most in professional sports, the Pittsburgh Steelers, will go against a franchise I love perhaps more than my own family: the Team That Is Playing the Steelers. As many of you know, Team That Is Playing the Steelers is also known in some circles as the Buzzsaw that is the Arizona Cardinals, and there is no more prominent fan on the Web than Deadspin editor emeritus Will Leitch.
Meanwhile, here at KSK, as has been painfully obvious in recent weeks, our own Mike Tunison (AKA Christmas Ape) will be cheering his little black heart out for the Steelers. Not that he needs to, as 90% of the country will be doing the same.
And so, as has been done in recent weeks over at Deadspin, I’ve taken the reigns to organize a little “mayor’s bet” for the blogosphere. I consulted neither Leitch nor Tunison for this bet, but fuck them. Their teams are in the Super Bowl.
IF THE STEELERS WIN:
- I will hit Mike Tunison in the face with a cookie tray.
IF THE CARDINALS LOSE:
- I will hit Will Leitch in the face with a cookie tray.
Um, that’s pretty much it. Maybe I should have thought this out more in advance.
Detail-oriented readers will note that I did not include the terms of an Arizona win. I guess, given the existence of Larry Fitzgerald, it’s theoretically possible that the Cardinals can wi– no. Nope, I can’t even finish that sentence. It’s better if we all come to terms with a Steelers championship now.
You know the saying, “Hope for the best, prepare for the worst”? Well, this is me dipping my cookie tray in resin and broken glass.
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emo girls are the hottest imo but any girl on webcam is just sexy
One for the cock!!! Go Steelers!
The only thing better than the tears that comes from whining Seahawks fans is the bitching three years after the fact. Seattle misses you, Ufford.
@Fitz: I’m kind of hoping that both teams just die in a fucking fire.
/Fans, too
Oh, and Will looks like he’s about to pull an “American Pie” and spit semen into some dude’s beer.
That isn’t Janine Garofalo on the left, but an amazing simulation
So we can either take mocking Ape for six months over a Steelers loss or enjoy Ape being hit in the face with a win?
Now I just don’t know what to do.
“It’s better if we all come to terms with a Steelers championship now.”
You mean ‘chomponcheep’.
/ we sclatch them
Pretty soon “The Team That is Playing the Steelers” will clearly more bandwagon than the Steelers themselves… at which point there is no choice but to root for a painful, ongoing repeated overtime game with no first downs in which fans give up and go to bed.
Will the tray be laden with delicious cookies?
@Needs more Cheerleaders
No. Realistically it should be 79-0, but I figured I would throw them a bone.
Ben comes to my hometown every few weeks to go to a huge resort (no plug). He really should be thanking the sluts that live up in the mountains around there who fight to the death over the honor of giving him a rim job. they did way more for him than the troops overseas…
Steelers 79 Cards 2
Oh come on. Do you seriously think the Cardinals “defense” can get a safety against Big Ben?
I’ve taken the reigns
Reins.
So you’re going to beat the shit out of Leitch no matter what? What did poor emo-boy ever do to you? Such hatred…
There is no way the Steelers lose. They are the greatest team of all time and will prove it in 2 weeks! Not only that but they have the most rational fanbase EVER!!!!!!
Steelers 79 Cards 2
/Please God, let this prediction jinx those assholes
That Williams-Sonoma shit looks too splippery. A regular old commercial sheet pan, good weight, not real smooth, won’t accidently slide off a face.
if this bet stands, i may have a mild interest in the game and end up watching
@Farthammer: If by “gummy bears and sprinkles” you mean shards of broken glass then yes, yes indeed.
You need to dip the tray in honey, then cover it with shards of gummy bears and sprinkles.
Trayflawa!
As long as John Madden covers himself in gravy and covers the game shirtless the SB will be huge success. And if the Steelers get “One for the Cock”. But either will work.
I’ve got a stoneware cookie sheet. About 1/2 inch thick.
Mmm… weaponized cookie sheet… mmm….
The Cardinals (or their fans) actually refer to themselves as the Buzzsaw? K, that’s it, I’m rooting (in an ineffectual, half-assed sort of way) for the Steelers.
@dAndy
Him holding a can that says “light”… I take that as the final gay-proof…
Not in the face. That’s how they make their livin’.
If Leitch gets smacked in the face with a cookie tray, that’ll be one hipster injured and thousands more to go…
Jinx attempt will not work!
If a Steelers win prevents Will from morphing into the Buzzsaw version of Simmons….well then, I’m all for it.
Will the cookie tray be fresh out of the oven with cookies on it? That would be exxxtreme!
you gotta go with one of those heavy glass cookie trays – you know the ones that are about a quarter inch thick glass, they just might shatter if you hit the guy on the forehead. yeah.
Another NFC West team. Yawn.
Why is Ellen Degeneris wearing Steelers Clothes?
I wish I could wear a baseball cap with a jacket to work instead of this leather mask.
Someone behind me. I’ll wear a gay alternate uniform, but I won’t stoop to a gay Troy wig.
Is that a Polamalu wig or is there a black haired maiden standing behind you?
If the Steeler’s win Leitch has to wear Ape’s capri pants from the previous post.
They better win. They just can’t lose a Super Bowl game against the CARDINALS… that would be an epic fail (not as epic as 18-1 or 0-16, but still pretty epic).
I thought the site was called men who look like OLD lesbians.
How bout the fan of the team that doesn’t win has to mow his lawn in his wife’s best Sunday dress?
How come Ape gets gayer and gayer with each pic posted of him on this site? Ape, are you s l o w l y coming out of the closet or something?
Weapon of choice for you, CC: http://www.williams-sonoma.com/products/sku9772765/index.cfm?pkey=csheet-pans-cookie-sheets
“Aluminized steel?” I like the sound of that going against flesh, bone, cartilage, and tears.
/Howie Long notes that you can also bake foccacia on it if you’re a fairy
E! C! W! E! C! W!
De-tails?
I’ll take a cookie tray to the face if it means another Super Bowl title.
Also: QUIT JINXING US, ASSHOLE!
Dammit… now I want the Steelers to win