As Long As There Is Salma Hayek, There Are No Losers
My favorite team lost their playoff game today. As always, they did it in a manner that was both uninspiring and depressingly predictable. There’s a chance your team lost this weekend as well, be they the Dolphins, Colts, or Falcons (Just kidding there, the Falcons have no fans). Maybe you’re sad. Maybe you feel like there’s not much in the future to indicate your team will get over that proverbial playoff hump next time around. I know I feel that way. After all, my team still employs Brad Childress, and will almost certainly relocate in 2011 without ever having won a championship in its original location. WOO HOO!
But I’m not all that sad. For one, you could see the loss coming a mile away, even if Andy Reid were blocking your view (he wears shiny black shoes to distract you from the fatness!). For another, there are still boobs in this world. And as long as there are boobs, and liquor, and more playoff football to watch, well the world ain’t all that bad. Even when Tarvaris Jackson or Chad Pennington are your team’s “quarterbacks,” so to speak.
So chin up, all you playoff losers. You can take solace in knowing that your teams played hard, and that you live in a day and age where a relatively simple Google Image search can reward any masturbatory need you may have. And that’s a real comfort, I tell you.
Tags: god i hate paul ferraro, Homerism, just trying to push my picture down the page for you, should have put gus in after the pick six
January 4th, 2009 at 9:42 pm
Salma was probaly 60-70% of the content of the liveblogs.
*sniff / single tear*
Good going, gentlemen.
January 4th, 2009 at 9:43 pm
But seriously, PURPLE JESUS WHY HAST THOU FORSAKEN US??
January 4th, 2009 at 9:47 pm
What a weekend. Matty Ice melted. Tiny Pocket Darren grew. LT biked 10 miles, a punter (forgot his name) made a name for himself, Pey Pey pretended to be a hippy, Andy Reid gained 15 lbs, the Cardinals played some Defense….
Cant wait till next weekend !!
And of course we will still be blessed with one more week of San Diego Cheerleaders !!
January 4th, 2009 at 9:48 pm
As long as they don’t move to San Antonio.
I can’t be a Packers fan, and have those purple cunts in my city.
January 4th, 2009 at 9:50 pm
You look like someone just walked in on you while you were getting a blumpkin.
January 4th, 2009 at 9:56 pm
The dolphins really shit the tank, but Peter King will help me laugh about it tomorrow. Or not, it’s 50-50 on that. But I’m really looking forward to my Favraro update of the week.
January 4th, 2009 at 10:08 pm
Ed Norton hit that.
/respectsednorton
January 4th, 2009 at 10:11 pm
Sadly, we will not see anymore Chargers cheerleaders this season. No more home games for them, unless they make the Super Bowl.
/tear
/splooge
January 4th, 2009 at 10:32 pm
My favorite team’s fans are still waiting for their playoff game
/Patriots fan
//Happy to bear Patriots hate as long as Colts/Cowboys hate gets equal time
January 4th, 2009 at 10:33 pm
They could still host the Ravens for the AFC championship!
/really, really reaching
January 4th, 2009 at 10:35 pm
Salma makes everything better, but the Vikings are still losers. As are the Cowboys. And the Patriots didn’t make the playoffs. And the Eagles just won a playoff game. And now I’m enjoying Salma Hayek’s spectacular rack. Life is very, good.
January 4th, 2009 at 10:39 pm
I think Salma would have thrown fewer picks today than Chadwick. Christ.
January 4th, 2009 at 10:42 pm
I can’t wait for next week to see what lady we pick up next…. although there is nothing wrong with sticking with a sure thing. More Salma next week? Stay tuned
January 4th, 2009 at 11:12 pm
Salma helps, but I spent a lot of time thinking, “Wow, Andy Reid looks like a recently shitcanned Best Buy manager, and Brad Childress looks like an accountant. Why are these guys coaches again?”
January 4th, 2009 at 11:29 pm
Dear Trace Bullet,
get dick cancer.
Sincerely,
Dr. Smith
January 4th, 2009 at 11:49 pm
Just a brief break from Salma’s rack.
http://accidentalsexiness.files.wordpress.com/2008/04/salmahayek_03.jpg
January 4th, 2009 at 11:50 pm
Just a brief break from Salma’s rack:
http://accidentalsexiness.files.wordpress.com/2008/04/salmahayek_03.jpg
January 4th, 2009 at 11:52 pm
And we’re back:
http://www.whattofix.com/images/SalmaHayek.jpg
January 5th, 2009 at 12:15 am
Secretly I kind of hope they relocate these fuckers. Sundays might all of a sudden become productivier without the fuckwad Purple around.
January 5th, 2009 at 12:24 am
I’m a Falcons fan. WE EXIST! Oh, how we exist…..
January 5th, 2009 at 2:09 am
@ TDub,
I second that emotion. If Zygi moved the Vikings (Lord willing, he won’t), I would abandon the NFL forever- and then be forced to have meaningful interaction with family and loved ones, which is a dreadful prospect. My liver and stomach would thank me, but the liquor industry and my “green grocer” would suffer greatly.
About Salma Hayek: to borrow the words of a much fatter Vikings fan- FUCK. AND. YES.
January 5th, 2009 at 6:00 am
so true so true.
January 5th, 2009 at 7:02 am
“[The Vikings] will almost certainly relocate in 2011 without ever having won a championship in its original location.”
I’m sorry, you made a mistake. You meant the Buffalo Bills in that sentence, right?
January 5th, 2009 at 8:09 am
You could have used a better/sexier picture of her than that, although if I weren’t in the office…
January 5th, 2009 at 9:14 am
Oh ya, BDD gone drank, he gone drank. And he gone hit dat Salma azz (while he’s masturbating).
January 5th, 2009 at 10:19 am
Salma is the answer to all of life’s problems
January 5th, 2009 at 10:35 am
Salma – proof that a baby and 40+ years of life don’t have to mean a woman lets her body go to crap
January 5th, 2009 at 11:04 am
@Gino-
A buddy of mine’s bitch wife works for the Vikings and she keeps talking about how real the possibility is of moving given the resistance from the legislature. What with our bridges collapsing all around us, and with us getting this recession on, it seems people aren’t jacked about paying for a stadium!!!
So get ready for the L.A. Vikings, coming to an HDTV near you.
January 5th, 2009 at 11:07 am
@ARR-
The Bills won the AFL championship in 1964 and 1965.
January 5th, 2009 at 11:52 am
What an abortion of a game. I think the 2008 Vikings might be the worst team to ever get a home playoff game. Horrible.
January 5th, 2009 at 12:04 pm
Dear Tracer Bullet,
We have concluded our tests and we are happy to report that you do not, in fact, have dick cancer. We agree that life is very, very good.
Sincerely,
Dr. Trask
January 5th, 2009 at 12:22 pm
@Chris,
I hate to defend our lovable purple retards, but did you actually watch the Miami game?
January 5th, 2009 at 12:37 pm
Salma Hayek nude in Desparado was cinematic genius.
/Please let the Bills move. I’m tired if my taxes going to Ralph Wilson.
January 5th, 2009 at 12:37 pm
*of
January 5th, 2009 at 12:56 pm
@ TDub, Rocco
Will the Minnesota Vikings and Buffalo Bills become the Los Angeles Brahz and the Toronto Hosers? Very depressing thought.
January 5th, 2009 at 1:32 pm
My God, Salma is perfect.
/grabs length of rope
The things I’d do to her…
/ties knot
Great news, fellow Vikings fans…
/stands on chair, adjusts rope
Mark Wilf said Childress is going to be back next year.
/jumps