Always Be Covering: Unless Of Course You’re Too Busy Dissecting Teen Wolf
Welcome to another spectacular edition of the internet’s least reliable gambling column, Always Be Covering. Today, in the grand tradition of Fire Joe Morgan I’m going to attempt to tackle the Sports Guy’s latest offering following his spectacular 0-4 performance a week ago. Buckle up…
Not to step on Jeff Foxworthy’s toes, but here’s how you know you just went 0-4 with your Round 2 playoff picks:
That’s the first sentence? Jeff Foxworthy references? ARE YOU FUCKING SERIOUS? Obviously I’ve made a huge mistake.
• If your first three favorites lost their games outright in a scenario that would have netted 29-to-1 odds on a three-team parlay, you just went 0-4 on your playoff picks.
If only I had parlayed the moneylines of three games I picked wrong I’d be rich, richer than Nazis! HOW COULD I HAVE MISSED OUT ON THIS OPPORTUNITY?
• If your wife comes home, sees your face and asks, “What’s wrong?” …
You just got caught masturbating to old game film of Tommy Heinsohn. Or maybe you incorrectly picked some football games, you know, either way.
I might as well be Louden Swain in “Vision Quest” right after Carla moved out without telling him.
Well, you know what happens after those montages? The dude always comes back! Didn’t Louden end up pinning Chute? That will be me, dammit! Have some faith.
I’ve barely made a dent and I’ve already gotten through references to a 90’s comedic hack, The Longest Yard, Swingers, and Vision Quest. So yeah, it’s pretty much the same column I remember from the last time I read Simmons.
The lesson, as always: I am HUGE in Pakistan.
Also HUGE in Pakistan: human trafficking, feudalism, and religious persecution.
I am immediately adding this to my Sports Czar campaign: If Collinsworth is gigless for an NFL playoff weekend, either CBS or FOX has to hire him for one of the games or risk a $1,000,000 fine from the FCC. We don’t want this to happen again, baby.
Wait, are you the Sports Czar or the Chairman of the FCC? Eh fuck it, you can probably do both.
The Don Beebe Award for “Best Momentary Silver Lining During An Out-And-Out Catastrophe”
To ABC Family’s HD channel for showing the four-movie “Karate Kid” marathon during Sunday’s games as my handicapping world was falling apart. Just as it was becoming apparent Eli had a better chance of eating one of the goal posts, digesting it and crapping it out over throwing a decent pass in the Giant Stadium wind, “Kid II” was finishing up and “Kid III” was looming. So all wasn’t lost. I spent the next hour trying to find similarities between Eli and Daniel-San, ultimately coming up with seven
Only seven? LOOK CLOSER!
Note: Can you tell “Teen Wolf” has been on a lot lately? I can’t stop mentioning it in columns.
Apparently Teen Wolf has been on six times a month for six straight years. But really, you can’t stop mentioning it? Have you tried not mentioning it? Because that’s probably the first thing I’d do.
By the way, a reader pointed out No. 45’s incredible performance on Fox’s team and I looked for it on my third viewing of 2009 … there’s a good possibility No. 45 finished with 22 points, 25 rebounds and nine blocks without getting a single line of dialogue. Check it out next time it’s on.
No.
Note to Jake: Don’t blame yourself, blame us. It’s our own fault for trusting you laying 10 points at home. And just for the record, I’m adding this to the Playoff Manifesto next year: “Never lay significant points with a QB whose name rhymes with ’snake.’”
Yep, that’s your problem. Not nearly enough rules! New rule suggestion: Never take gambling advice from a guy who can’t go a week without analyzing the stats of role players from Teen Wolf.
The Ryan Seacrest Trying To High Five a Blind Guy Award for “Most Entertaining and Somewhat Amazing Moment By A Host Or Play-By-Play Guy”
To Kenny Albert for not blinking once during his pregame and second half intros for the Panthers-Cards game. Would he blink if you threw water at him? What if you punched him right in the face?
If you punched him? No, probably not.
The Dee-Dee Getting Assaulted Again on “Hunter” Award for “Serious Promos for A Serious Show That Become 100 Times Funnier If You Don’t Watch That Show”
To CBS for the incessant stream of “Grissom leaves ‘CSI’” commercials that had me initially saying, “Wait, Marquis Grissom is leaving ‘CSI’?”
HAHAHAHAHAHA!
I can’t tell if I missed out by never getting hooked by this show, or if I saved 200 hours of my time that was spent on more important things, like trying to figure out No. 45’s stats in the final “Teen Wolf” game. It’s a coin flip, really.
Kill me. Or him. Just kill one of us.
The Come And Touch It, Dave, Award for “Most Noble Attempt to Degrade Me For My 0-4 Performance Even Though Nothing Else Needed To Be Said”
Bronze (to U. Howard in Philly): “Damn you. I just realized that you went 0-4. It’s a good thing you’re funny or else I’d stop listening and reading religiously. Keep making with the laugh laugh. You’re like that girl we all dated for a while in our early- to mid-20s that was only good for one thing. She couldn’t cook, couldn’t take care of a pet or a plant, barely could read. But she did one thing well.”
That’s right, his pussy is like a vice grip.
The Kate Winslet Accepting a Golden Globe Award for “Most Uncomfortable Performance”
For the poor Tennessee fans … you could actually hear their sphincters collectively tighten…
Literally!
Nobody knows that haunting sound better than Red Sox fans…
Obviously. NO ONE DENIES THIS!
Alge Crumpler’s fumble was a self-fulfilling prophecy in many ways; it’s not like the fans made it happen, but they created an environment with their excessive doubt where it opened the door for something like that to happen. (Yes, I fully believe in this crap.)
“Well that’s because you’re an idiot.” -Elaine Benes
Anyway, the strangest thing about the Dave Roberts Steal in 2004…
Is that we’re talking about it now in this completely unrelated forum?
…and the one thing I will never fully be able to figure out — not just at the time, but four years later — was why the beaten-down Red Sox fans rallied behind Kevin Millar in the top of the ninth, then reacted like Mia Wallace after Vincent’s adrenaline shot just because he drew a walk and Roberts ran out of the dugout.
I am officially lost in this metaphor.
I was there.
We know.
I can still see him leading off first base and being utterly convinced that he could steal it, even though we had 86 years of bad luck working against us. We all felt that way. It was weird. I cannot explain it. Like we knew.
We’re clairvoyant.
By contrast, the Titans fans never seemed like they felt good about winning that game.
Ah, so it’s their fault.
So how do we explain that? Is there a term we can come up with?
Surely.
Maybe CISSESP (Collective In-Stadium Sports ESP)? I believe in ghosts, I believe in bad karma, and I absolutely believe in CISSESP.
But do you believe in the Church of Baseball?!
Can you think of any two people who have less in common than James Brown and Pacman Jones?
Caligula and Judge Reinhold.
Going in, I thought the famously clean-cut Brown was going to be dressed like one of the “Exorcist” priests and just start the interview by saying, “Pacman, welcome to the show … THE POWER OF CHRIST COMPELS YOU! THE POWER OF CHRIST COMPELS YOU!”
To be fair, JB did go to a Catholic high school.
As it turned out, Pacman’s response was wildly disappointing — partially because I couldn’t understand him, and partially because … well, I couldn’t understand him. So that was a problem. I was hoping he’d go off the board with something like, “Pacman likes to watch his fellas get their lap dances on! Pacman don’t like ‘em himself, Pacman just likes to watch! Can you feel me?”
OH PACMAN GON’ DRINK!
The Alec Baldwin Playing Tony Bennett Award for “I Like Things That Are Great … Good Things Are Fantastic”
To the things I liked about Round 2 and the week that went with it: Larry Fitzgerald settling the “Who’s the best receiver in football” argument once and for all …
Or at least until the great WES WELKAH! returns next season.
… the sassy new judge on “Idol”
TH-THAT’S TONY KORNHEISER’S MUSIC!
To the things I didn’t like about Round 2 and the week that went with it:
.. Kobe not being satisfied just with ripping off MJ’s fist pump, so he rips off Sam Cassell’s Testicle Dance …
But KG’s pathetic rip-off Jordan’s chalk clap? Chills.
Without further ado, the championship weekend picks…
Oh thank God, it’s over! ON TO THE PICKS!
/looks at Simmons’s picks
//realizes they are the same as his own
Fuck, I may as well just embrace it.
/turns on Teen Wolf
Tags: bill simmons, FJM style, Not as good as Drew's FJM style
January 16th, 2009 at 1:07 pm
“Well that’s because you’re an idiot.” -Elaine Benes
indeed
January 16th, 2009 at 1:07 pm
Believe it or not, I couldn’t find a single decent picture of a female Cardinals fan.
we believe it.
January 16th, 2009 at 1:11 pm
You just make me laugh out loud.
January 16th, 2009 at 1:13 pm
That Steelers girl looks downright emaciated. So we’ve apparently got Steelers fans on both extreme ends of the body type spectrum, but nothing in the middle?
January 16th, 2009 at 1:13 pm
Nobody knows that haunting sound better than Red Sox fans…
No fanbase has ever suffered like we have! Nobody could ever feel worse about their team losing than us? Titans fans, you think that loss was tough! It was nothing compared to losing game 7 to Tampa Bay! Boston’s misery >>>>> all your misery!
I wish I could write nonsensical shit like this while looking up a few stupid pop/culture references and make 750K a year for the privilege.
January 16th, 2009 at 1:15 pm
You forgot to mention his smarmly little digs at the Giants for beating the Patriots.
What a loser, just get over it already, your team didn’t even make the playoffs the following season. NO ONE DENIES THIS!
January 16th, 2009 at 1:19 pm
How much do you want to bet that Bostoners bring up the Dave Roberts steal to draw comparisons to every mundane event in their miserable lives
January 16th, 2009 at 1:27 pm
u forgot to mention that he again made excuses and called the Giants superbowl win, super lucky.
January 16th, 2009 at 1:29 pm
I think you mean LeBron stealing from MJ, not KG, but carry on with the Simmons hate.
January 16th, 2009 at 1:30 pm
That chick in a Steelers shirt is from nowhere near Pittsburgh. You clowns don’t understand that models get paid to wear trash like that. This is representative of the best Pittsburgh has to offer: http://blog.dairytwist.org/images/blog/SteelersFans.jpg
January 16th, 2009 at 1:30 pm
Also, who’s the fair lass in the Rongrastname jersey?
January 16th, 2009 at 1:31 pm
I have it on good authority that Judge Reinhold once fisted a guy in front of his wife.
January 16th, 2009 at 1:32 pm
Slothrop- http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xAeSP9ks6Cg
January 16th, 2009 at 1:33 pm
ah, that’s what I get for not watching the NBA.
/the Celtics won the title? WHOO HOOOO!!! Suck it bitches!
January 16th, 2009 at 1:34 pm
Wow. I sure am glad I bet on the Cards and Steelers this week, in addition to having them as futures picks to win the Super Bowl (and the Cards at 46-1!).
/shoots self
January 16th, 2009 at 1:38 pm
Um, you missed BEEF MOE – http://www.tunjiafonja.com/photos/uncategorized/female_grill.jpg – she’s kinda attractive.
January 16th, 2009 at 1:39 pm
Judge Reinhold once fisted a guy in front of his wife.
I’d believe that. Judge Reinhold looks like the kind of guy who’d enjoy fisting another man in front of his wife.
Can we make that other man Bill Simmons? Maybe Judge Reinhold could find his sense of humor, which, like his head, has retracted into his ass.
January 16th, 2009 at 1:39 pm
nice Dematha reference
January 16th, 2009 at 1:52 pm
Is that Isla Fisher in the POW POW jersey?
January 16th, 2009 at 1:55 pm
“I’ve barely made a dent and I’ve already gotten through references to a 90’s comedic hack, The Longest Yard, Swingers, and Vision Quest.”
Pathetic, but nice hooters
January 16th, 2009 at 2:00 pm
BTW, good call on the ASU whores. They got lots of quality whores out there in Tempe.
January 16th, 2009 at 2:04 pm
@ bill: Timely. We’ve only seen that, what 4,000,000 times over the last year alone?
@ Genny: http://rkullman.blogspot.com/2009/01/steelerette-2009.html
January 16th, 2009 at 2:14 pm
“I wish I could write nonsensical shit like this while looking up a few stupid pop/culture references and make 750K a year for the privilege.”
Does anybody in media/marketing/journalism have a sense of how much this chimp actually makes? It can’t be 750k/year can it? It’s gotta be around 300, right guys? ……………. Guys?
January 16th, 2009 at 2:14 pm
So the only female steeler fans in between Skeletor and hippopotamus are strictly in 2-D?
/oddly not surprised
January 16th, 2009 at 2:18 pm
That was the worst Simmons column I’ve ever read. That’s saying something.
January 16th, 2009 at 3:14 pm
Good start to Sexy Friday.
January 16th, 2009 at 3:16 pm
I believe Simmons just described himself as a believer in “the Secret” (aka some power of positive thinking bullshit Oprah whored a couple years ago). God, I was working in a book store and wanted to smack each and every person that bought that shit.
January 16th, 2009 at 3:17 pm
So, let’s see…We have the stick-figgy Stillers fan up above, the Stillers fan that will eat her and then pick her teeth with a random shinbone in Bill’s link; and Rob answers the request for a girl in between the extremes with a link to a cartoon.
Just goes to show that Stillers girls that are ‘just right’ are completely imaginary!
January 16th, 2009 at 3:30 pm
Over on the Cardinals, Under on the Ravens
The weather has been horrible here in Chicago and its about to hit Pittsburgh
January 16th, 2009 at 3:50 pm
worst awards ever
January 16th, 2009 at 3:52 pm
Oh, and yes and YES.
January 16th, 2009 at 4:00 pm
“Can you think of any two people who have less in common than James Brown and Pacman Jones?
Caligula and Judge Reinhold.”
First time I’ve laughed all day. Thank you.
January 16th, 2009 at 4:07 pm
Fuck Arizona State.
January 16th, 2009 at 4:09 pm
“Just goes to show that Stillers girls that are ‘just right’ are completely imaginary!”
You could not be more wrong. But I’m gonna let you do the research yourself since the kids’re home.
January 16th, 2009 at 4:15 pm
Who gives a shit about Simmons, I’m furiously Googling this Brazilian Bombshell Andressa Soares’ from the Uproxx link dump below.
/HOLY SHIT…
January 16th, 2009 at 4:45 pm
Is it too late to change my name to “Caligula and Judge Reinhold”?
January 16th, 2009 at 4:47 pm
Also, I hate ASU (fucking Erickson) but love their co-eds. How about some more gratuitous ASU pics for Sexy Friday?
January 16th, 2009 at 4:51 pm
Now that ASU girl, now that’s a hot piece of ass. Am I right?
January 16th, 2009 at 5:17 pm
I will admit, the Ryan Seacrest begging for the high five from the blind guy was pretty funny. Funny in a way that further cemented Seacrest as a giant asshat.
\Didn’t watch more than 5 minutes of Idol
\\Here’s my man card, but can I keep the beer?
January 16th, 2009 at 7:05 pm
I like both of these writers, but for Drew to complain that Simmons is a one-dimensional writer is like Bush complaining that Palin is too incurious and rigid.
January 16th, 2009 at 7:24 pm
Thank you for this. If only Simmons were half as funny and witty as he thought he were, he’d be 100 times as funny and witty as he really is.
January 16th, 2009 at 7:52 pm
She’s not a Steelers fan. No Steelers fans, male or female, have Ginsu hip bones like that.
January 16th, 2009 at 10:36 pm
What article?
I am here for the pics so please stop using big words (incurious and ginsu), also I don’t get any of the political references. Please explain.
Does anyone know a link for “girls of the Big East”?
January 16th, 2009 at 10:42 pm
Wow, I just realized something. Is Bill Simmon’s column really a column or just a series of obscure 80s/90s pop references that he pulls out of a hat and then relate to everyday events?
January 17th, 2009 at 12:32 am
I saw the ASU whore and immediately was thinking of a post to include her and Rocco’s ex wife.
Then I just read Rocco’s post.
I don’t have to say a word !!
January 17th, 2009 at 7:00 am
@ Todd: Simmons is eerily similar to the mantee’s that write Family Guy…
/I believe in the church of baseball
//falls out of boat; misses water
January 17th, 2009 at 11:46 am
How much do you want to bet that Bostoners bring up the Dave Roberts steal to draw comparisons to every mundane event in their miserable lives
A hundred dollars. No…. A THOUSAND DOLLARS.
January 17th, 2009 at 2:14 pm
I just moved back to Seattle after 5 years in Scottsdale. Why? Good question, anyways the hottest, slimmest fakest (in a great way) tannest chicks are in Arizona. Take a stroll through Fashion Square on any given Friday afternoon and you will never want to leave because of all the superhot chicks of all ages. Granted, there aren’t any in Cards jerseys, but that’s a big plus in my book.
January 17th, 2009 at 11:39 pm
The girls are hotter in Tucson than in Tempe. Plus, they’re not retarded.
As the joke goes, why did I go to UA instead of ASU? Because I already learned how to read.
January 18th, 2009 at 12:02 am
@MK – “I like both of these writers, but for Drew to complain that Simmons is a one-dimensional writer is like Bush complaining that Palin is too incurious and rigid.”
Bingo. Who’s act is more tired? Simmons’ or the people who complain about him?
January 18th, 2009 at 12:06 am
Simmons. The people who complain about him are often funny.
January 18th, 2009 at 12:16 am
Excluding most commenters, I suppose. Is espnisweak.blogspot.com still hiring writers?
January 20th, 2009 at 12:08 am
Simmons makes me hate sports sometimes.