Always Be Covering: Especially On This Holiest of Weekends
The Bill Simmons Rocky II Adam Carolla Award for excellence in bullshittery.
Last week a commenter informed me that my picks were the exact opposite of one Sports Guy, and that was just fine with me. Sure, Simmons is a truly brilliant analytical mind brimming with insights that none of us could ever hope to articulate, and I’m just a dipshit who accounts for quality of cheerleader tits when picking games. Needless to say, we both wound up 2-2 for the weekend, proving once again that anybody who pretends to know what the fuck they’re talking about is filled with more shit than the septic system serving Ben’s Chili Bowl and The Grill Next Door.
Seriously though, I’m shocked that Bill’s quest for an 11-0 postseason fell apart after the first weekend. Nobody could have seen that coming. YOU CANNOT DENY THIS!
On to the picks (and Sexy Friday) after the jump!
Tennessee -3 vs. Baltimore>
I like how everybody forgot that Tennessee is like, good, and shit. Hopefully they still remember how to do it up right. Plus just look at that rack. Are you going to look her tits in the eye and tell her that her boys aren’t good enough to beat a rookie quarterback and a rookie coach by a touchdown? Because I sure as shit am not.
Carolina-10 vs. Arizona
Carolina gets their interior line back and the Buzzsaw must once again travel into the dreaded eastern time zone, this time without Anquan (who apparently is mortal below the neck). What a pussy.
Philadelphia +4 at New York
Again? Fuck. If Andy Reid manages to blow this I’m going to shove a spit up his ass and roast him like a fucking hog. Hopefully I won’t start a grease fire, but you know, shit happens.
Pittsburgh -6 vs. San Diego
Tiny Darren’s cloaking powers are useless against a Silverback. As you may know they hunt their prey by scent rather than site. White people are allowed to call him that, right? I mean I’m not saying he looks like a gorilla, but he looks like the kind of guy that could only be taken down by a diamond powered laser.
Enjoy the weekend, and be sure to follow along with the fun right back here at KSK.
Tags: Always Be Covering, Bad MSPaint by Flubby, bill simmons, degenerate behavior, Gambling, sexy friday, Unsilent Majority, Why should I have to drive my M3 the same speed as some poor person in a Civic?!
![[badge]](http://cdn.ksk.uproxx.com/wp-content/themes/default/images/100121_FOXmsnBadge_200x50.gif)
January 9th, 2009 at 2:43 pm
I’d pay $100 if that mascot really were chugging down two whole gallon jugs of milk.
$200 if he couldn’t remove the mask for the inevitable projectile vomiting.
January 9th, 2009 at 2:48 pm
How can Simmons spend a paragraph plus on Marmalard being a choir boy who doesn’t cuss… and somehow not reference KSK’s character? That’s DISRESPECT! (oh, wait, sorry – I shouldn’t mix inside jokes like that.)
January 9th, 2009 at 2:54 pm
Speaking of picks…. Is the suicide pool post coming up soon?
January 9th, 2009 at 3:15 pm
I would like to take them tits out for a nice seafood dinner and then never call them again.
January 9th, 2009 at 3:20 pm
…and San Diego doesn’t have a diamond powered laser.
/ enjoys “Congo” reference
// remembers that “Congo” was a steamy pile.
January 9th, 2009 at 3:22 pm
Usually my milk comes in white jugs, orange juice in the yellow ones.
Fact: The human body cannot physically handle drinking one gallon of milk in less than an hour. Well, at least according to this girl.
January 9th, 2009 at 3:24 pm
Ben’s Chili Bowl fucking owns.
If I ever move to DC I’ll get every meal either there or Five Guys, and probably die of a heart attack at 35. It will be worth it.
January 9th, 2009 at 3:25 pm
Trust me, Rocco. Those are Purity Dairy jugs and they’re milk.
Tennessean is Tennebelievin’
January 9th, 2009 at 3:30 pm
I think it was a sign that Simmons is outdated because anyone who reads this site occasionally knows about Marmalard. The Titans are going to be without their center or Mawae is going to be playing injured, that’s why the money is going to the Ravens and rightfully so.
January 9th, 2009 at 3:37 pm
@Otto: That’s just stupid, even if it keeps the light out, as they claim. Dumb hick southerner farmers can’t figure out how to use white jugs?
January 9th, 2009 at 4:00 pm
Otto, we tried to test the whole “can’t drink a gallon of milk in an hour” theory annnnnndddd…it’s 100% right. You might get it down, but most of it comes right back up. It was rough.
January 9th, 2009 at 4:33 pm
“Needless to say, we both wound up 2-2 for the weekend, proving once again that anybody who pretends to know what the fuck they’re talking about is filled with more shit than the septic system serving Ben’s Chili Bowl and The Grill Next Door. ”
Nah, it just proves neither you nor Simmons knows what the hell you’re talking about.
Eagles +4 at NY…really? really? Good luck.
Carolina -10 vs Arizona….sure Q is out but Fitz is still in. I’m not saying that Arizona will win but I am saying that with the pass happy Arizona offense this game is prime candidate for a garbage time touchdown from Warner that ruins the +10 spread.
January 9th, 2009 at 4:34 pm
I unfortunately have the same picks as Simmons… that means I am going to lose a ton of money on the Chargers/Stillers game.
January 9th, 2009 at 4:34 pm
It’s definitely stupid, but they’ve been hanging with it for ages. I believe since the Jim Varney Celebrity Spokesperson Era.
And I know the milk theory is true. That’s why I want to duct-tape the mascot’s head on and let ‘er rip.
January 9th, 2009 at 6:36 pm
I’m pretty sure that image of the gorill and Tiny Darren just got added to Ape’s Spank Bank.
January 9th, 2009 at 7:23 pm
mmmmmmmmmm, Ben’s Chili Bowl . . .
/actually, liked Florida Ave. Grill better
January 10th, 2009 at 2:26 pm
Chocolate Milk coming out of those boobies? Then my vote is going for the TIT-ans.
January 11th, 2009 at 7:42 pm
douchebag Simmons about to go 0-4…..lol