Always Be Covering: A Candid Interview With Santonio Holmes
Welcome to an exciting Super Bowl edition of Always Be Covering, the internet’s most guaranteed gambling advice column insomuch as we guarantee that it provides gambling advice. Before we get to the big pick we have a special treat, an actual no-holds-barred (except the cross-face chicken wing) interview with Santonio Holmes of the Pittsburgh Steelers. Continue after the jump for all the fun.
KSK: Hey Santonio, thanks for taking the time to chat with us.
SH: Oh that’s cool, I’m a big fan.
KSK: Of us?
SH: Yeah, I like that Hines Ward chinaman speak and the retarded Ben character. That shit’s funny.
KSK: Oh, cool. Thanks for reading.
SH: Ain’t shit.
KSK: So Santonio, on media day you admitted to selling drugs in your younger days. Why did you do that?
SH: Well I want to be an example to the kids out there, and they gotta know the truth. That’s why I decided to just be up front and truthful about all I’ve been through over the years. Plus I had to get my hands on these sick Penny II’s. You know, I think it’s something a lot of people can relate to.
KSK: Shit, how do you think I bought these Air Max 95’s back in college?
SH: Nice.
KSK: Speaking of shoes, you see that new Quagmire Dunk?
SH: Giggity!
KSK: You said it. So what made you stop dealing?
SH: I only stopped when I went to THE Ohio State University, cause I was gettin’ paid that Buckeye money. I started back up before the draft though, you know, just for shits. Why, you need a dime?
KSK: I’m straight, but you might want to talk to my man Ape. He’s been awfully high strung.
SH: Word.
KSK: Speaking of weed, you got pulled over with a little bit of the God’s gift in your car, any regrets there?
SH: Nope, I was just thrilled that the cop never found the kilo of heroin hidden in the spare tire.
KSK: Wow, you really are committed to this whole honesty thing.
SH: Damn straight.
KSK: Of course that wasn’t the only time you ran into legal trouble.
SH: Hell no.
KSK: Back in July of ‘06 you were in court on charges of domestic violence against the mother of your child. Now the charges were later dropped, but would you care to tell your side of the story.
SH: Oh I smacked her around a bit.
KSK: You did?
SH: Yep.
KSK: Bold admission.
SH: You know, it’s what I do.
KSK: Hit women or tell the truth?
SH: Oh I mean tell the truth, I haven’t laid a malicious hand on a woman since then.
KSK: Well that’s good.
SH: Wait, do hookers count as women?
KSK: Nah.
SH: Cool, thought so.
KSK: So tell me how you felt when a fully nude picture of you surfaced on the internet for the world to see.
SH: Oh man, that shit was funny. To be entirely truthful that wasn’t really all me.
KSK: Are you saying that the image was digitally enhanced.
SH: Oh hell yeah, that thing was photoshopped to within an inch of its life.
KSK: So in reality you’re…
SH: Tiny.
KSK: Tiny?
SH: Tiny.
KSK: Care to elaborate on th-
SH: Two inches.
KSK: Flaccid?
SH: Nope.
KSK: Wow. Did not see that coming.
SH: That’s what she said.
KSK: HAHAHAHA
SH: HAHAHAHA
KSK: So tell us how you like to pump yourself up before a big game. Do you watch a movie like 300 or listen to some upbeat music?
SH: Oh you know it. I mean, I’m not into the heavy action stuff, but when I wake up Sunday morning I’ll watch my favorite scenes from The Notebook.
KSK: Huh.
SH: And when it comes to music it’s gotta be the Jonas Brothers. Those guys are my secret weapon.
KSK: You’re quite the rare breed.
SH: You know this.
KSK: So Santonio, before we let you go we have to get your official Super Bowl pick.
SH: Oh man. I mean, I’d love to pick us of course, but in all honesty I’m not sure we can compete with the Cardinals.
KSK: Wow.
SH: Hey, it’s nothing against us, I just think they’re the better team right now, especially because Ben’s ribs are all broken?
KSK: REALLY?
SH: Yep, NFL wants to cover that shit up, but that’s the truth, man.
KSK: Score?
SH: 35-12. MVP is Adrian Wilson. Man, he’s gonna kick my sorry ass.
KSK: Thanks for taking the time to join us, Santonio, good luck on Sunday.
SH: I’m gonna need it.
And now, ON TO THE PICK!
Pittsburgh -7 vs. Arizona
Sadly I don’t see things working out quite the way Santonio does. Arizona has become a more popular pick over the past week* (probably because the experts have been playing them up because it gives them something to blather on about while not begging strippers for a quick blow job), but I’m not buying that shit for a minute. The Steelers were my pick when the playoffs started, and they’ve looked plenty capable in their previous two playoff games, covering in each. I like Pittsburgh by two scores.
*RJ Bell of Pregame.com is reporting that 55% of the betting populace is siding with Arizona.
Santonio image via Behind the Steel Curtain
Tags: Always Be Covering, celebrity super bowl pick bukkake, degenerate behavior, Gambling, it's satire people, Santonio Holmes, Unsilent Majority
January 30th, 2009 at 3:08 pm
Who knew Santonio Holmes was so likeable?
Two-team parlay: Cards money line and the over. Book it!
January 30th, 2009 at 3:11 pm
That “55%” is doing it just because:
1. Pats/Giants is still fresh in their minds.
2. Pride of avoiding a “bandwagon pick.”
3. Love Jesus.
4. Bigger money to be made on the Cards. Desperate times and all that.
5. People are generally stupid.
Yet I do think the Cards beat the spread.
January 30th, 2009 at 3:12 pm
“I like Pittsburgh by two scores”
what if those 2 scores are field goals?
January 30th, 2009 at 3:15 pm
You’d think that 55-45 on the +7 would cause the line to move a tick by now.
January 30th, 2009 at 3:21 pm
@ Nate Newton’s van: Not if the people betting on the Cardinals are morons who watch Sportscenter and decide to place $20 on “that Fitzgerald guy’s team” to make it interesting, while the people betting on the Steelers have enormous bankrolls and last names that end in vowels. I’m guessing that’s what we’ve got here.
January 30th, 2009 at 3:23 pm
what if those 2 scores are field goals?
damn you
January 30th, 2009 at 3:26 pm
sorry UM, I knew you meant one of those scores will be a TD.
January 30th, 2009 at 3:29 pm
Prediction: That little biddy in the photo with Holmes will go black on her 19th birthday.
She will never go back.
January 30th, 2009 at 3:31 pm
OK, Tracy’s betting his money shirt on the Steelers. But what about his gold shoes?
January 30th, 2009 at 3:49 pm
Adrian Wilson? The Cardinals have defensive players? ESPN has not yet informed me of this development.
January 30th, 2009 at 3:57 pm
@porky1:
6. received that email forward about the kurtis and brenda supermarket story one too many times.
January 30th, 2009 at 3:57 pm
I’ve been in love with Pitt since the line came out. Thanks for fucking that up for me, UM.
January 30th, 2009 at 3:57 pm
“Ain’t shit.”
And that’s the overstatement of the year.
@UU – The Steelers have a pretty good defense, those two scores could be safeties.
January 30th, 2009 at 4:01 pm
His name is Tracy Morgan… not Jordan.
January 30th, 2009 at 4:04 pm
“Hitting women or telling the truth?” & “Do hookers count as women?”
great stuff…NOW BRING ON THE SEXY!
January 30th, 2009 at 4:04 pm
If ever I am left with just the shirt on my back, I hope it’s that shirt
January 30th, 2009 at 4:04 pm
His name is Tracy Morgan… not Jordan.
See Rock, 30
January 30th, 2009 at 4:09 pm
Vegas is telling us that this will be a 27-20 game. Take the under and meet me at the window.
January 30th, 2009 at 4:11 pm
“His name is Tracy Morgan… not Jordan.
See Rock, 30″
My bad… I never have seen 30 rock. I heard it sucked and just remember his stand-up comedy and stint on SNL.
I didnt realize his character’s name on a different show would be so close to his real name.
January 30th, 2009 at 4:15 pm
Prediction: That little biddy in the photo with Holmes will go black on her 19th birthday.
She will never go back.
Spoken like someone who’s seen the business end of a black mamba multiple times. excelsior to you madame
January 30th, 2009 at 4:15 pm
I didnt realize his character’s name on a different show would be so close to his real name.
Seinfeld, what?
January 30th, 2009 at 4:25 pm
I didnt realize his character’s name on a different show would be so close to his real name.
Everybody Loves Raymond, and?
January 30th, 2009 at 4:27 pm
Dear merciful Christ, I forgot the italics. Please spare me, oh sweet delicious Christ.
January 30th, 2009 at 4:33 pm
His name is Tracy Morgan… not Jordan.
Clearly, you’re a big fan of his work.
January 30th, 2009 at 4:36 pm
I didnt realize his character’s name on a different show would be so close to his real name.
Yeah, that never happens.
“The Tony Danza Show” …. Tony DiMeo (14 episodes, 1997-1998)
“Hudson Street” …. Tony Canetti (22 episodes, 1995-1996)
“Who’s the Boss?” …. Tony Micelli (191 episodes, 1984-1992)
“Taxi” …. Tony Banta (114 episodes, 1978-1983)
January 30th, 2009 at 4:43 pm
why has there been no coverage of an annual pre-super bowl tradition, the wing bowl?
January 30th, 2009 at 4:48 pm
Not sure if it’s related, but the Pew Research Center just released survey results for cities Americans would least like to live in. And every single AFC North city made the list.
Cleveland and Cincy make #2 and 3. Pitts is at 6. And beating the curve is Bawlmer is #8.
In other words, people would rather be murdered than live in Ohio or Pittsburgh.
January 30th, 2009 at 4:53 pm
@ Otto… that’s more because Mr. Danza doesn’t know enough to respond to another name.
January 30th, 2009 at 5:27 pm
@Billy I’m sure the same goes for Mr. Morgan. He went by Tracy Mitchell on his short lived NBC sitcom.
Steelers 28-17, Willie Parker 125 yards, a score and maybe MVP.
January 30th, 2009 at 5:28 pm
Prediction: That little biddy in the photo with Holmes will go black on her 19th birthday.
I’ll take the under…
Little do you know she is actually taking it from behind in that pic.
January 30th, 2009 at 5:33 pm
I love how all week, the ‘Cards will win it’ bandwagon has grown to become the ‘no-longer-a-sleeper-pick’ that picking the Steelers is now the sleeper.
my gut says Cards will win it, so I’m picking the Steelers, 31-17. Fast Willie is the MVP.
/my gut is an idiot
January 30th, 2009 at 5:41 pm
@Slothrop: Eh the line hasn’t moved and Simmons picked the Steelers. My guess is the Cards outright and the over is a lock.
January 30th, 2009 at 6:01 pm
doesn’t the line not moving only mean the book got it right and that betting is 50-50? Simmons’ picks have been awful this post-season, but the Steelers have been the better team all year. Last year was an aberration (and a dammed abomination. die Asante.). Leitch’s Buzzsaw has been great lately, but unless Warner can get the ball out quickly and consistently and not give up the INT, I think the Steelers D will wear them down like they did the Pats in Foxboro.
January 30th, 2009 at 6:02 pm
Otto + Otto Man – Did Otto go into the witness protection program?
January 30th, 2009 at 6:42 pm
@Slothrop: Eh my view of it is that the Cardinals are the NFC Chargers with better receivers and no Darren Sproles and a more aggressive D. The Steelers got three big breaks and still only covered by one score at home (punt return for a TD, shanked punt that hit a Charger, and tipped pic after a 80 yd kickoff return that may have hit the ground). No matter how many Pitt fans are there its not going to make Tampa cold with a shitty field. Ben hasn’t thrown a pic yet and the Cardinals only have 12 takeaways in 3 games (a bit skewed because of the 6 against the pantheros) something has got to give. The Cardinals will either win it in the 1st half or they’ll lose a grindfest.
January 30th, 2009 at 6:50 pm
Doesn’t Tracy know to use H&R Block?
January 30th, 2009 at 7:13 pm
The line has shifted to 6.5 at some books.
January 30th, 2009 at 7:22 pm
The Steelers got three big breaks and still only covered by one score at home
The Chargers had to get a garbage time score to pull the game within 11. Give it up.
January 30th, 2009 at 7:23 pm
I’m with Fletch here. This is supposed to be Sexy Friday. SUPER Sexy Friday. I open the normally reliable ABC column, and the Tracy in the column is a dude?
Get Jeff Reed on the payroll now!
January 30th, 2009 at 7:28 pm
Hey Maj, I see both you and Simmons are picking the Steelers this week. Isn’t it great when great gambling minds think alike? I’m sure nothing but good things will result from this development!
/leaving now to attend the victory parade in Phoenix
//not really; fuck both those teams
January 30th, 2009 at 9:19 pm
I’m bored. You’re boring commenter’s.
/leaves
//reads rest of internets
What the hell? No new comments since 7:28?
January 31st, 2009 at 1:39 am
Seriously, that was one of my favorite posts in weeks. That’s some ground-breaking journalism there, UM.
January 31st, 2009 at 11:49 am
Prediction:
Cardinals 28 Steelers 17
Fitz and Boldin will put on a clinic in the first half. how many teams have two receivers that should be double covered?
Ben will go back to his old self. 2 picks, 1 fumble.
January 31st, 2009 at 12:12 pm
@ Billy – beat me to it
@ Otto Man – see also Romano, Ray (http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0005380/)
January 31st, 2009 at 12:56 pm
I cannot believe that people think that this will even be close. Has anyone seen the Steelers defense? Unless Pittsburgh goes as conservative as they can on offense and lets Arizona hang around, I do not see how the Cardinals will keep this in double digits.
And yes, this is an attempt to jinx the outcome, but everything I just wrote is true.
January 31st, 2009 at 12:57 pm
/Meant single digits
January 31st, 2009 at 3:44 pm
The Cardinals are a great story. They got hot at the right time. But they’re still a 9-7 team out of one of the weakest divisions in NFL history. And they’re playing a team that not only survived, but prospered playing what in all likelihood was the toughest schedule in NFL history.
Only the fact that the Stiller offense is so banged up keeps this from being a classic 55-14 80s/90s style Super Bowl blowout. Steelers cover (and then some). But bet the under.
March 20th, 2009 at 11:34 am
Same, the Jonas brothers can make any song a decent song .