Amateur Assistance for Kerry Collins’s Amateur Musical Career
“A Boy Named Kerry”
Kerry Collins’s country music career continues to bubble on the stove (via Shutdown Corner) as he works with established songwriters to help him write his own material:
Life hasn’t always been a string of wins and cheering fans for Collins, who completed rehab for alcoholism after public embarrassments in the late 1990s such as a driving-under-the-influence arrest and a bar scuffle with a teammate.
Although his personal life is now as solid as this season’s won-loss record, he mines those dark days to find creative inspiration.
For instance, the song I Don’t Need the Whiskey Anymore, about a man who trades his alcohol addiction for an addiction to a woman, contains his favorite line that he’s written: “I still get intoxicated but my head ain’t quite as sore.”
Hmmm. Not bad, not great. I find booze a little less frustrating than women, but to each his own. Still, since things seem to be progressing slowly, we thought we’d write Kerry his own song.
Kerry, you’re welcome to this. Just thank Kissing Suzy Kolber in the liner notes. And give us 98% of all royalties.
Nashville skyline warm like cheers I’ve barely known,
Things is nice ‘n easy now, but it’s been a long time findin’ home.
Lived once as a Giant, and I’ve hardly been a Saint.
Journeyman they call me, a franchise QB I just ain’t.
But ’sperience counts for somethin’; get hit enough, you learn to duck.
I know now to trust Bo Scaife, I’ll only buy a Chevy truck.
[chorus]
Chased outta Carolina, drowned a year in New Orleans.
Raised some hopes and broke some hearts, maybe punched some New York queens.
Took a chance out in California, but that West Coast ain’t for me.
I just need a power running game, and a home in Tennessee.
Long drive from Topeka, where I dried the whiskey outta me.
Longer drive from Thirty-Five: big game, bad memories.
Sure, I dropped the ball a lot; yeah, I rode the pine.
Maybe had some racial fights and got cut four different times.
But this old vet’s a survivor, I ain’t here to sing the blues.
Take a look at this picture, and tell me who’s still in the news:
[chorus]
Eh, it sounds better with steel guitar. And no black people in the audience.
Tags: captain caveman, racist old kerry collins, Ufford Photoshops
January 7th, 2009 at 1:29 am
Wow. Jesus Christ Uff. You’re on a roll.
January 7th, 2009 at 1:58 am
Holy shit that was the best thing ever on this site! KSK’s got my vote for best sports blog for etenity.
January 7th, 2009 at 2:00 am
goddamn kerry collins and his country music career.is it impossible for him to keep from doing something ridiculous and embarassing?ill throw a dollar into his guitar case while he plays on 2nd and broad in the rain…..
January 7th, 2009 at 2:09 am
That’s actually pretty good…
January 7th, 2009 at 3:21 am
The Ballad of Reece Bobby?
January 7th, 2009 at 3:50 am
While that is a fine country & western song, and while it makes reference to trucks and getting drunk, I’m afraid that it makes no mention of mama. Or trains. Or prison.
January 7th, 2009 at 6:08 am
Is that a Baldwin on the right?
January 7th, 2009 at 6:08 am
and +100 to Steve Goodman.
January 7th, 2009 at 6:32 am
Heather Hunter was THE black porn star of the 90s. Lennox Lewis was a champion boxer, but even she took more shots to the mouth.
January 7th, 2009 at 7:08 am
The cast of the Usual Suspects 2.
January 7th, 2009 at 7:19 am
Women without whiskey?
January 7th, 2009 at 8:45 am
Ray Ray says take this song and shove it.
January 7th, 2009 at 8:54 am
Lennox would split that chick in half.
January 7th, 2009 at 8:59 am
+1 to Long _Ball_Larry for the DBT reference.
January 7th, 2009 at 9:03 am
Stephen Baldwin looks like he is ready to be in the middle of a Collins/Lewis sandwich.
January 7th, 2009 at 9:07 am
I’m standing and applauding in my office. I’m sure someone can be found to put music to those brilliant lyrics.
January 7th, 2009 at 9:09 am
/Kicks decaying corpse of Johnny Cash in the crotch
January 7th, 2009 at 9:16 am
Well it ain’t the Stokke Pokey, but it’ll do.
Nice work Uff.
January 7th, 2009 at 9:34 am
How is Keery racist and in a picture with 2 black people? And it seems there are about 8 photographers judging from the subjects’ eyes.
January 7th, 2009 at 9:34 am
They do release parties for celebrity bukkake films? Interesting.
January 7th, 2009 at 10:01 am
Check out Stephen Baldwin’s outfit — shitty do-rag, stubble beard, Blue Steel pout, man-purse, leather pants.
It’s like a perfect storm of douchebaggery. Was he promoting Axe Body Spray?
January 7th, 2009 at 10:20 am
Wow that girl in the picture…
She ain’t nothin’ but a hoochie mama,
hood rat, hood rat, hoochie mama.
January 7th, 2009 at 10:28 am
You can hit a golf ball off Heather Hunter’s nipples. Trust me, I know.
January 7th, 2009 at 10:49 am
VH1 unveils the new cast for Celebrity Rehab.
January 7th, 2009 at 11:07 am
so…all y’all waited until sweeps week to haul out the good stuff? Does Coach Teflon go visit the Silver Pumpkin and Double-J in the next installment of “Dallas”?
January 7th, 2009 at 11:22 am
@Doc:
You’ve been to that driving range outside of Kyoto too?
January 7th, 2009 at 12:19 pm
Wasn’t she the one that kinda “brought down” Mr “Just a biiit outside”?
January 7th, 2009 at 12:46 pm
Ocho Cinco:
You oughta know you can’t judge anything from Steven Baldwin’s eyes. I think you gotta do some blow just to look at this picture. I’m sure it was a prerequisite for being in it.
January 7th, 2009 at 12:54 pm
That’s Restaurant Quality, Captain Caveman.
Oh yeah, Steve Baldwin, you’re trying WAY too hard, ya douchebag.
January 7th, 2009 at 1:24 pm
I’ll be performing this tonight at Adair’s in Dallas.
January 7th, 2009 at 1:25 pm
And don’t trust Bo Scaife. He’ll break your heart eventually.
/Had Vince Young on fantasy team.
//Loyalty is expensive.
January 7th, 2009 at 1:36 pm
a little HH trivia from Ye Olde Wikaepaediae
she’s 5′3″. which answers that ‘how much of a midget is the Scruffy Baldwin?’ question you’ve been asking yourself.
Yeah, she’s probably got heels on in this photo. But so what? he probably does, too.
also, she allegedly filmed her first porno scenes on her 18th birthday. which means that for her, doing porn probably amounted to cutting back on sexual activity, right?
January 7th, 2009 at 2:35 pm
That appears to be the Grand Canyon of cameltoe
January 7th, 2009 at 2:54 pm
Is that picture actually real? It’s SPECTACULAR!
January 7th, 2009 at 4:47 pm
@steve goodman with the david allen coe reference.
im with mike d as well.is that photoshop job?if not,what fucked up celebrity dinner prompted that cast of characters?
January 7th, 2009 at 8:34 pm
Not a photoshop.