Here’s your 2009 Hall of Fame class:
Bob Hayes
Bruce Smith
Randall McDaniel (yay)
Derrick Thomas
Rod Woodson
Ralph Wilson
I have no qualms with any of the above men making the Hall, and am indeed delighted Randall McDaniel got in (Take that, Strokey Zimmerman!). But you see the gentleman in the photo above? That’s Cris Carter, who was only the second best receiver in NFL history. And yet again, the Hall sees fit to deny him induction. Hey Hall Of Fame Committee, I hope you all fucking die of kidney failure. I hope your renal systems slowly fail, turning your urine black and requiring you to endure painful daily sessions of dialysis. And I hope a matching donor is found just a hair too late, so you die slowly on a hospital gurney just as the paramedics are jumping out of the helicopter with an Igloo cooler carrying your precious, vital organs. That way, you think salvation is close at hand, only to have it cruelly wrested from your big fat grasp. YOU FUCKING IGNORANT STUPID FUCKS.
CRIS CARTER HAD THE BEST HANDS IN NFL HISTORY AND CAUGHT SIDELINE PASSES LIKE NO OTHER. We’re not talking about Art Monk here. We’re talking about someone who was fucking GOOD. If you fucks can’t see fit to induct him, THEN YOU KNOW FUCK ALL ABOUT FOOTBALL AND DESERVE TO BE HUNG ON A MEATHOOK DIPPED IN WOLF AIDS. That means you King, and Wilbon, and all you other fucks. I bet you all spend 20 hours a day drinking out of your own toilets. “Oh, my shit! It’s so good! I’m so amazing! MY POOP IS A HAVEN OF CORN AND FOOTBALL ACUMEN.”
Because they harbor a delusion that tells them that we care, Seahawks fans are letting the world know that they would rather become the only team without a Super Bowl title in a division that includes the Rams and the Cardinals than see the Steelers win another one. Like the fellow in the video above, who went so far as to buy the hat of a division rival so that he may gain entry to the Cards bandwagon.
Not all C-Hox fans are decided, however. Regular KSK commenter J.L. White took the time to write us this lengthy e-mail (which I promise to finish reading one of these days) expressing his ambivalence about the contest. Uh, enjoy.
Dear President Obama:
We as a nation are faced with many challenges today, as we work to fix the mistakes of the past and at the same time make the future a brighter one for our children. There is no doubt that the economy, Iraq, and global warming require to be addressed both seriously and swiftly. You said during the inauguration that, “Our challenges may be new. The instruments with which we meet them may be new.” Well sir, there is another challenge today that America must overcome very shortly, and it may require some new and creative thinking. Mr. President, I beseech you…..(pausing for dramatic effect)……please cancel this Super Bowl.
On the surface, this may sound like a heinous, almost un-American request. Did not both the Steelers and Cardinals reach t his match fairly? Are not both fanbases eagerly awaiting the outcome? Don’t millions upon millions of Americans celebrate this game not just as a championship match but as a chance to bond with their fellow man, shovel fried foods into their mouths for hours on end, and drink themselves to near unconsciousness? I say yes to all those questions, and I don’t ask this of you for any spiteful reasons (unlike what some festive primates might tell you.)
No sir, in fact I see this as an opportunity for all of America. I call not for the season to end this Sunday, but to be restarted so that we all can continue to enjoy America’s favorite sport throughout the doldrums of late winter and early spring. You also said during the inauguration that “Time and again these men and women struggled and sacrificed and worked till their hands were raw so that we might live a better life.” Do not the over 300 million citizens of this great nation deserve a chance to enjoy our favorite sport during the months we usually spend bored and waiting for its return?
Look, this Super Bow l, other than the glamour and prestige the event itself already has, is nothing special. As a basketball fan you’ll understand that the Arizona Cardinals are the L.A. Clippers of football. As for the Steelers, a grand majority of native Pittsburghers have fled the city many years ago, and most people who claim to be Steeler fans are really people who have no ties to any team, but like rooting for a team that has a cool-looking uniform and have been almost universally successful each of the past 40 years. Being one of these people, Mr. President, you should understand all too well.
Aside from these two fanbases (if you want to call what the Cardinals have a “fanbase,” that is) the rest of America will welcome a new season with open arms, even if it must be abbreviated to 8 or 12 weeks, so not to interfere with the Final Four. We will still have a Super Bowl when everything is said and done, and if these two teams make it back to the Promised Land once again, nobody should resent it. The sacrifices of a few hundred millionaire football players and the few dozen billionaire football owners should not outweigh the benefits to the rest of us. Not only will the nation’s morale improve, but more people will be employed to keep the stadiums ope n and to feed all the football fans while they root for their favorite teams. For once a truly bold initiative must spring forth from Washington, and I can think of nothing bolder than this.
During you inauguration you said, “We are a nation of Christians and Muslims, Jews and Hindus — and non-believers.” Well, we are also a nation of Packer fans, Colt fans, Giant fans, Dolphin fans, Seahawk fans and Cowboy fans. Instead of being divided 30 ways we can finally be united toward a single goal. This is but one example of what our imagination can achieve when joined with a common purpose. Join us, Mr. President, and carry forth that great gift of football and deliver it safely to future generations.
God Bless you and God Bless the United States of America!
Sincerely,
J.L. White
Stirring missive, J.L. Let’s see what Barry had to say.
Yep. That’s a burn. Won’t blame you. You voted for Brian Russell.
Tracy Jordan is betting his entire shirt on whichever team I pick.
Welcome to an exciting Super Bowl edition of Always Be Covering, the internet’s most guaranteed gambling advice column insomuch as we guarantee that it provides gambling advice. Before we get to the big pick we have a special treat, an actual no-holds-barred (except the cross-face chicken wing) interview with Santonio Holmes of the Pittsburgh Steelers. Continue after the jump for all the fun.
A country radio station in Pittsburgh charged morons two bits a pop to take a sledge hammer to a (simeon) rice burner fine Amurican automobile painted up in Arizona Cardinals colors. Even though it’s all for charity, I initially thought the whole thing was pointless and silly. (”Take that inanimate object that has no connection whatsoever to the team I suddenly hate!”) But after further reflection, I’m all for Stillers fans relieving their fat aggressions in socially-approved channels. Beats domestic violence and destruction of private property.
Fast forward to the :50 second mark for the big highlight, which led to the following colloquy:
me: Peep Yokozuna.
Ape: He should replace Willie Colon.
Me: He should replace his own colon.
Maj: Mr. Fuji approves.
Me: WTF is the thing fatass picks up off the ground and shows to the camera? I thought it was a broken cell phone, but that’s not it.
Ape:Portable barbecue?
Me: Insulin pump?
Maj: Tape recorder… Note to self: remember to go to Eat ‘N Park for the midnight buffet.
Drew: If you’re going to post a transcript of this, can you work in a subtle, off-hand plug for Men With Balls?
You enter a Super Bowl pool, you usually hope to win money. Well, we at KSK believe there’s one thing sweeter than cash winnings: explicit adult DVD winnings. Guess the final Super Bowl score in the comments below, including which player you think will score the first touchdown. Closest reader gets a free copy of Andrew Blake’s legendary “Secrets”, starring Rocco Siffredi and Zara Whites. And a copy of Men With Balls to wipe yourself off with.
Have at it, gang.
NOTE: One entry per commenter only. Score and player picks are first come first serve. Do not pick a score and player combo that’s already been picked. I won’t count it.
The celebrity Super Bowl pick is a time-honored tradition, one we at KSK are super fucking excited to be a part of, as we have in the past. For the next two weeks, stars from the world of entertainment, politics, and more will drop by to make their picks for the big game in Tampa! Up next, recording superstar Beyonce Knowles.
The celebrity Super Bowl pick is a time-honored tradition, one we at KSK are super fucking excited to be a part of, as we have in the past. For the next two weeks, stars from the world of entertainment, politics, and more will drop by to make their picks for the big game in Tampa! Up next, Deadspin workhorse Rick Chandler! [NOTE: Photo is artist's rendition]
“Pickkake.” You keep on using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.
Here’s the thing about the Super Bowl: it just doesn’t light my fire the way high school football in California does. Also, it’s pretty hard to pick this far in advance. But I think the Steelers will be too tough against the Ravens at home, while there’s no way the Eagles lose in Arizona. The world simply isn’t ready for a Super Bowl with small red birds. Steelers 24, Eagles 14.
Oh, and check out this amazing new video I just found.
Well tanks fer nuttchin’. USAToday’s Jeff Zillgitt has a profile of bawdy Steelers kicker Jeff Reed today, complete with this little nugget:
Pictures of Reed with women at a Tampa bar this week surfaced. “I was with my teammates, and we had a good time,” Reed says. “Taking pictures with somebody is not necessarily a bad thing. I don’t care if it’s random fans who are guys or hot girls. You just have to be smart.”
