Now mere weeks away from the start of the postseason, the hopes of many have been stoked, only to be later squelched. With eight playoff berths remaining to be clinched, the postseason picture remains muddied. To untangle the Gordian knot of playoff scenarios, we consulted out tiebreaker specialist, the tie rack motor. Take it away.
NFC
The Cowboys can clinch a Wild Card spot if:
“Ed Werder stops reportin’ them Cowboy-hatin’ facts! Yer journalism is yella!”
OR
DeMarcus Ware does everything.
The Eagles can clinch a Wild Card berth if:
BOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
OR
BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
The Vikings can clinch the NFC North if:
Drew abstains from pie for two weeks. GOD HAS DEEMED IT THE ONLY WAY, DREW! HOW MUCH DO YOU LOVE YOUR TEAM!?
OR
Chilly Chill puts it in Tarvaris’ capable hands to carry the Vikes to glory! Or Valhalla. Or whatever mythic brothel Vikings like.
The Bears can clinch the NFC North if:
The gods of football are intent on giving us an uninteresting team to lose a first-round playoff game at home (At least the Vikings collapse will be amusing).
The Buccaneers can clinch a Wild Card spot if:
Grimey captions them into a playoff bracket.
The Falcons can clinch a Wild Card spot if:
Mike Smith maintains his surprisingly effective “Let Michael Turner score four touchdowns every game” strategy.
The Saints can clinch a Wild Card spot if:
They can’t. But my fantasy team needs Drew Brees to keep trying!
AFC
The Patriots can clinch the AFC East if:
A few more of Matt Cassel’s relatives die the next two weeks.
The Patriots can clinch a Wild Card berth if:
Only one of Matt Cassel’s relatives dies the next two weeks.
The Jets can clinch the AFC East if:
Opponents bother to conveniently implode at the right moments.
The Jets can clinch a Wild Card spot if:
League executives have a vested interest in seeing Favre make the playoffs. And they might. Just a guess.
The Dolphins can clinch the AFC East if:
Lavernanues Coles can’t bear to see Chad Pennington miss the playoffs.
The Dolphins can clinch a Wild Card spot if:
Because otherwise if would be DISRESPECT! A POST-SEASON SCENARIO THAT DON’T INCLUDE PEEZY IS ONE IN NEED OF FIXING! It would taint the whole league! THIS MY DYNASTY!
The Ravens can clinch a Wild Card berth if:
Their fans keep turning a blind eye to missed holding calls while complaining about the refs.
OR
They replace Joe Flacco with the Joker’s henchman.
The Colts can clinch a Wild Card berth if:
They continue squeaking by winless teams at home.
OR
Bill Simmons disdain for them is canceled out by Peter King’s venti boner for Pey-Pey
The Broncos can clinch the AFC West if:
Their defense can hold opponents under 300 points the last two games.
OR
Someone takes pity on the Cutler sad face.
The Chargers can clinch the AFC West if:
CUTLERFUCKER FACES ME LIKE A MAN! OR AT LEAST FACE ME LIKE THE SULLEN TEENAGER POSING AS A MAN THAT HE IS! YOU OWE ME A BLOOD DEBT, HOCHULES! LASERFACE CONQUERS ALL!
And, finally, the Steelers/Titans/Giants/Panthers can clinch home field advantage throughout the playoffs if:
They win Sunday. How fucking complex is that?
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I think the Eagles chances also ride on the number of batteries that hit Cowboy’s players in that final game of the year
HEY LOOK YOU GUYS, BEARS RIDING HORSES!!!!!
I must say, I’m proud. The last time the Ravens lost, you disappeared for three weeks. This time you’re blubbering like a bitch a mere two days after the fact. That’s progress, my friend.
Another dazzling retort. You’re like Baudelaire with adult acne.
Kharma?
Is she Dharma’s sister?
Dipshit.
Swift comeback, seriously. And such.
Taint kharma awaits yoinz. As sure as another Willie Parker 2-yard run. Prepare.
I hope you wiped all the tears off your keyboard before typing that screed, Barrack Billick.
Don’t want to get water between the keys and such.
Don’t worry Christmas Ape. TTGT knows all about missed holdings calls…be they on Sunday’s or Saturday’s.
Oh Christ on a crutch every football board on the net has yinzers crying in unison about devastating holding calls in order to better swallow their fraudulent victory. What a riot. Hey Christmas Taint – holding involves “hands” not arms. Good technique and steering a guy away from the play is not holding just like “feet over the line” is not “ball over the line” you brokedick, beedy eyed Rappaport-looking Flathead owning, eh… blogger.
In short, don’t talk with Walt Coleman’s shriveled up uncut hillbilly dork in your mouth.
So hold on, you’re saying that this Simmons blogger dude you always trash hates the Colts?
So he has some significant redeeming qualities then? I need to check this guy out.
/in a non-gay way
MBP:
Sure, there are tons of uncalled holds in every game, but the Ravens got away with several flagrant ones Sunday. Enough so that those fuckwits Nantz and Simms pointed them out. Shit, even Ravens fans are saying the hold(s) on Harrison were bad.
http://blogimoreravens.com/2008/12/ravens-steelers-blown-call.html
The game’s over. I’m not in the mood for dragging it out any more. I just got tired of all the “refs handed Pittsburgh the game” bullshit.
@ Slothrop – You get the girlfriend, I’m going to LA to get the rest of his family.
Perhaps the dear Raiders, Rams and Lions can consider the season almost over too. Perhaps. Thus allowing their fans to stop staring at the TV in horrified awe.
Missed holding calls, Ape? Say it ain’t so! And please, don’t point out that there’s probably un-called holding penalties on a third of the plays run in the league, and that a pivotal TD pass in the last moments of the game is much more relevant!
…too much?
VYS – don’t you dare speak ill of those glorious mounds of joy!
@Ape –
Why you arguing with Tim Tebow’s Girlfriend’s Tits? They’re just a couple of boobs.
I’m not sure why, but I have a feeling the Chiefs are fucked too.
I’m pretty sure we’ve already been ruled out for the playoffs through the 2011 season.
The Bucs are making the damn playoffs muthafuckas!!!
“They replace Joe Flacco with the Joker’s henchman.”
It’s a smart move. The henchman’s devout allegiance to cold-blooded, purple-clad murderers should help him acclimate to Baltimore quicker.
The Bears are fucked, but at least there’s polish saasage.
I’m not sure why, but I have a feeling the Chiefs are fucked too.
The Jets are fucked.
The Vikings are fucked.
@TK’s Combover: You forget that the Bears would have to lose out too.
Meant throw INcompletions
/brain dead coma
@Ape: It wasn’t like Ben was gonna do anything with that field position other than get sacked and throw completions. He doesn’t wake up from his brain dead coma until the final 2 minutes of the game.
/Had him AND Flacco as his fantasy QBs…first and out in the playoffs!
The Lions can still clinch the NFC North if the team planes of the Bears, Packers and Vikings all crash within the next two weeks.
TTGT:
It’s not a missed holding call, it’s several. And in a field position battle game, they’re pretty important.
/dick joke
The more I think about it, the more I realize that a missed holding call determines the outcome of a game much more than just giving a team a touchdown at the end of regulation.
I will stab Matt Cassel’s girlfriend in the neck if it will help them win. Now, to get a good sense of what she looks like–perhaps she’s in Vogue or the Victoria’s Secret catalog? Sears’ catalog?
“Or whatever mythic brothel Vikings like.”
I believe it’s on some sort of boat.
Skins get a playoff birth if:
Skins win out
Falcons lose out
Bucs lose out
Eagles lose out
Sooooooo, you’re saying there’s a chance?
Hey, I object, to even a tiny pic of MARMALARD scary face. I am getting more and more nervous when I see that damn jackals face. Don’tcha have one where he is not quite as serial killerish?
Since when are the Seahawks out of contention?! Oh, September. Right.
Don’t forget, the Redskins can clinch if JUST KIDDING THEY CAN’T CLINCH BECAUSE THEY EAT A FAT DICK.
“The Broncos can clinch the AFC West if:
Their defense can hold opponents under 300 points the last two games.”
Neeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeever gonna happen.
http://www.last.fm/music/Rare+Essence/_/Overnight+Scenario