It’s championship week in fantasy land (unless you’re me and your league decided to hold its title game in Week 15, and then you went and choked the championship away and now want to absolutely fucking die. I’m telling you. I am the Minnesota Vikings of fantasy football owners.). Not only that, it’s now the holidays, when loneliness and sexual frustration can often reach their peak, especially if you’re the kind of person that reads this site. That’s a lot of pressure coming at you from both angles. You want to win your league. You want to get laid. You could just drive yourself fucking crazy over all this… GAHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!

You need a release. So before I even get to your questions this week, let me just dole out this one universal piece of holiday sex advice: Double your jerking. Don’t ask questions, just do it. If you jerk twice a day, go for four. If you jerk three times a day, jerk it up to a sixpack. I don’t care if you have to go to the bathroom at work four times in an hour to do it. I don’t care if you start tearing foreskin. Just get it done. You’ll feel better. Your mind will be clearer. You won’t feel so much pressure to go out there and have some awesome, party-filled, orgasmatastic Christmas break no one ever actually has.

It’s a fact: national per capita jerking levels rise at least 45% during the holiday season. You got football, relatives, and old high school friends swirling around you. You need some stability. You need a rock. An anchor. And there’s no better anchor than the one swinging between your legs. Some call it a penis. I call it my bestest friend in the whole wide world.

Onto your questions. Got a query for next week? Email us here. Next week, we’ll be expanding to both questions regarding fantasy football and real football. And the mailbag will continue through the offseason. As always, points are awarded for brevity and sincerity. And, may I say, I think this is our finest batch of questions yet. You folks really brought your A-game this week. Kudos to you.

KSK,

I’m going to Europe for a week right after Christmas. Any good tips on taking down a fraulein?

Also, I’m in the finals this week. Who do I go with at QB – Rodgers against a motivated Bears D, a banged-up Garcia, or Fitzpatrick off the FA wire against a piss-poor Browns D that’s going to mail it in?

Thanks for the tips.

-Al

This is difficult because Al here hasn’t specified exactly which country in Europe he’s going to (though I suspect Germany). Hitting on European women always varies by country. When I was in England, I found out with relative speed that some British women are ecstatic to hook up with American men, while most other British ladies won’t touch them even if their dicks were covered in steak and kidney pie. I heard porn star Jo Guest speak once (for real! It was a formal address and everything!), and she said she far preferred British men and would never date an American man. Fag hag.

Here’s a quick guide to hitting on European women by country. Keep in mind, I’ve only hooked up with one European woman in my lifetime, and everything I know about foreign chicks I learned by watching European Vacation.

England: Hit the DTM nightclub in Oxford. No self-respecting person goes within 100 feet of that place. But you likely have none, and can therefore expect an easy hookup with anyone on the dance floor within about seven seconds. Do not expect to be proud of yourself in the morning.

Italy: You’ll meet an incredibly striking beauty with kickass curves and ravishing brown eyes. She’ll make nice eyes at you. She’ll take you to the Tuscan countryside to meet her family. And it won’t be until you’ve invested five weeks of dating and learning Italian that you’ll discover she’s a devout Catholic who wouldn’t touch your dick even if the Pope told her to. Therefore, I suggest you try scoring with other American female tourists around town. Italy makes American women fat and horny.

Germany: Skip the beer halls. Hit the clubs. I can’t think of a less sexual place than a German beer hall. Except for maybe a German porn film set. An ICH LIEBE DER FUHRER shirt can’t hurt your chances either.

Switzerland: It’s well known that Swiss people aren’t actually human, but are in fact elaborately designed timepieces. So don’t bother hitting on women in Zurich. There are gears inside there your penis wants no part of.

Spain: I don’t know how you score with Spanish women, except that you will stay up far longer than you want to in the course of trying. Seriously, those people are like fucking vampires.

France: I’d make love to a crepe instead. Ever have one of those street crepes in France? With the sugar and the good butter? Holy shit.

Poland: Just tell her you’re a UN Vaginal Weapons Inspector.

Czech Republic: Ask locals for directions to Silvia Saint and/or Anita Blonde.

Scandanavia: Just show up. Those women will have sex with anyone. But the currency exchange will really hurt your wallet. 200 kroner for a beer? Who is the one getting fucked now?

Holland: Got $10 on you, and no fear of disease?

Start Rodgers. As I point out this week in the Jamboroo, Rodgers is the #2 overall scorer in fantasy football. In others words, he’s secretly kind of a stud.

Dear Sultans of Cock & Jock,
Pick one of the following for a flex spot:
donald driver
desean jackson
muhsin muhhamad
dominic rhodes

my girl is off the pill now –so i am back to condoms.. altho i have failed the past few times.. my dick can’t stay hard w/ a condom.. anything I can do?

SN

This is a classic problem that condom makers often fail to address. Condoms often cause immediate flaccidity in many men. My first piece of advice comes from Dennis Miller. “I wear two condoms at all times. Then, when I go to fuck, I take one off and feel like a wild man.”

My other real advice, and this will sound odd, is to put it on while standing up. Don’t try and put it on while laying down. Or while kneeling on the bed. That always kills you. Get out of bed, stand up, admire how far you’re sticking out, and then cover it, as if you’re preparing it to go head to head with insurgents in a Basra firefight. I swear it makes a difference.

If Addai is out, start Rhodes. Otherwise, go with Jackson and hope he doesn’t spend any time at quarterback.

Gentlemen-

This weekend is the championship game for my fantasy league (don’t ask me why our commissioner made it be week 16) and I have to pick between Dominic Rhodes, Joseph Addai, and LenDale White at RB, with le’Ron McClain and Derrick Ward as available FA’s. Do I grab someone new, put my faith in the Indy running game, or pray LenDale runs roughshod over Pittsburgh’s defense? At WR, I have 3 spots for Santana Moss, Marques Colston, Roddy White, and Isaac Bruce.

Also, with Christmas coming up, I need some help with gift-buying etiquette: if you’re trying to sleep with a girl, but know it’s highly unlikely to happen, do you splurge on the gift in hopes of gracious sex, or just not bother?

Don’t bother. She doesn’t want to have sex with you, therefore she never will. Take that gift money and go buy yourself a blowjob from a hooker on the point.

Start Rhodes if Addai is out. Otherwise, go with LenWhale unfortunately. Bench Bruce.

I have been married for almost eleven years, and after one child, she is hotter now and in better shape than when we first were married. Sadly, due to fatigue and exhaustion over both of us working and raising a child, I am getting as much action now as when I was in high school, which is to say barely any. As a result, I wind up hiding in our walk-in closet when nobody is around to toss one off. No biggie, except that I am not beating off to porn or the like, I have an image of my wife’s naked body in my mind. Yeah, she’s hot and in phenomenal shape, but I thought the point of beating off was to be stimulated by unobtainable women or situations. Is that normal, or do I need help?

Oh, and for my championship game this week, do I start Warner or Romo?

I’m pretty sure you qualify for some sort of sainthood or something with that story. The point of beating off is to get off. I don’t care what you have to think of to get there: your wife, other women, dogs, robots, whatever. It’s like eating a Reese’s peanut butter cup: there’s no wrong way to do it. Now go claim your husband of the year trophy.

Start my boy WARNER.

I work for a large corporation and I just started working here about 8 months ago. I met a girl at work that is pretty cute, big dark eyes, dark hair, large breasts, 5′ 2″, small ass. Anyways, we started hanging out while taking smoke breaks while at work. She has told me such interesting tidbits as “I get everything waxed” and “I didn’t do anything on Sunday, just made dinner for one.”

I assumed that these were subtle ways of telling me to ask her out, so I did. She takes two days to respond to me and when she finally does, she says no, she has other plans that she can’t break.

That means she doesn’t want to date you.

So I tell her that I’ll ask her out again.

Oh, that’s not a good idea.

She tells me about a week later that she decided she doesn’t want to date anyone at work.

“Anyone” means you specifically, I assure you.

Understandable. I told her we would still just be friends if she said no, to make her feel comfortable, but who really ever means that?

No one. She knows this.

Since then, she has asked me a couple of times to walk with her to the store or have a smoke, etc. Is she interested in me but might take more persuasion or does she just want to be friends for real? And do I bother being her friend or do I just start ignoring her?

And for Fantasy, what 2 do I start at RB: Foster/Gore, Choice, Cadillac Williams, Jamal Lewis. Thanks.

King Crackhead

Ignore her. Gentlemen, if I have one piece of universal advice for you, it is this: DO NOT WASTE YOUR TIME TRYING TO HAVE SEX WITH WOMEN WHO DO NOT WANT TO HAVE SEX WITH YOU. Took me 30 years to figure that one out. Don’t fall into the same trap.

What a shitheap you have at RB. Flip a coin. You’re in a lose/lose-lose-lose-lose situation. Choice and Gore, if you need help being decisive.

Dear KISSING SUZY KOLBER,

I’m going home for the holidays and my mom is trying to set me up with one of her co-workers while I’m there. Is it possible for me to nail this chick without a potential awkward situation between my mom and I (you know, since women like to talk about everything)?

As for fantasy, Keller or Boss at TE, and should I start Indy’s D vs the Jaguars or the Jets against the Seahawks?

Proud owner of the inaugural “least of the week”

Andy

Take the date. If a woman at your mom’s office is desperate enough to be set up with the son of one of her co-workers, that’s a green light. Your mom likely won’t annoy her at work about it. But she may annoy you forever afterwards. ”Why don’t you date that Margie Fishman again? She was so nice!” You’ll have to weigh the pros and cons of that.

Start Keller and the Jets.

My question concerns the curve of a penis. Can my method of masturbation (righty, lefty, underhand, side-arm, craps, rolling-down-a-car-window, etc.) influence the natural bend of my skeet-shooter? Or am I just stuck with whatever direction the Big Guy bestowed on my little guy? I guess this is a simple question of nature versus nurture. And if it’s nurture, which way should I be jerking this sucker for the best twat-tickling trajectory?

Anyway, who should I jerk it to this week: Shaun Hill @ STL or Jeff Garcia vs. SD, assuming he starts… crap he’s the gay one isn’t he?

-Lloyd

I’m no doctor. But I’m quite sure a doctor would tell you your method of masturbating cannot permanently alter the shape of your penis. Unless you jerk off by sticking your dick in a Play Doh fun factory or something. Oooh, look! It’s a star log!

Your dick is what it is. Love your hook and jerk as you please.

Start Hill.

KSK,

I’m meeting my ex for drinks in a couple days and I’m trying to figure out my best approach to getting sex. She rudely declined my offer at first, but then agreed to meet me after I more or less told her off via email. Since my self-esteem was an issue (translation: I’m a pussy) I’m thinking it might be beneficial to keep up the attitude angle and not let her be her usual bossy self (translation: She’s a bitch). Then again, there’s a chance she might already plan on having sex with me, in which case all I want to do is make nice and not fuck
it up, right? Any thoughts?

As for football, who do I take out of Andre Johnson, Roddy White and TO? Actually, I don’t care. I just wanted to brag about how awesome my team is.

I’d let her bring up the idea of hooking up. No point in trying to force the issue with her, as she clearly wants to do it on her own terms. And, since you’re already caving by seeing her again, you may as well cave all the way if sex is what you’re looking for. Don’t cop an attitude with her. Surprise her by being gracious. Then, when you’re back at her place and just about ready to relive old sexual delights… BAM! Forearm shiver right to her sternum. She’ll never see it coming.

Start Johnson.

Love the site, you guys do a great job!

Fantasy: For all the marbles and cash, who do I take at QB? Marmalard at TB, Schaub at Oakland, or Ryan at Minnesota?

Sex: I just recently started dating again after breaking up with a long-term girlfriend. She was completely bare and I got spoiled by that goodness. Contrary to what I thought, I’m finding out that not all girls believe in all things Brazilian. How do I approach the topic and get them to keep it clean down there?

Shave or wax your own genitalia. When any new girl asks why you do it, tell her, “Oh my God, you don’t do it? OMIGOD IT FEELS INCREDIBLE! YOU GOTTA TRY IT!” You’ll be swimming in bald chipmunk by then.

Start Marmalard.

KSK-

First we’ll do FF. Got the championship this week, and its a scoring only league (tds, fgs, 2 pts, etc). Do I start Cassel in hopes that he’ll be still in mourning for his dad and therefore tear apart the Cards (plus if T Jack can do it who can’t), or take Pennington against the shitty KC pass defense, or Ryan against the shitty Vikings pass defense?

On to the sex. What’s it called when you stick your dick in between her butt cheeks like a hot dog in a bun and thrust like there is no tomorrow?

Sincerely,
Hopefully a G richer come Tuesday

Ah, the ol’ Southern Titty Love. I call that “Tickling the blowhole.” But a lazy urbandictionary search turns up nothing.

And start Cassel, you crazy man.

So this girl I’ve been seeing recently mentioned something she read online that could “help us”. Naturally that scared the shit out of me, but really she was talking about how over a few weeks she could effectively turn off her gag reflex (while brushing her teeth or something) to give better head. The hitch is she’s effectively turning off her gag reflex so she could choke on food easily, and she’s already a klutz as is. Am I wrong to encourage her at this and risk her safety for my oral pleasure?

No you are not.

Fantasy, for the league title: two WR spots between Wayne @Jax, Colston @Det, and S.Moss@Phi, or should I just use the third in my flex spot over Chris Johnson against that Pitt D?

-Alf

Bench Moss. I hate the idea of benching Chris Johnson, but I guess the matchup mandates it.

hey homos,

how long is too long to spend on one porno/jerking session? my one friend says 15 min. tops, but i can sometimes go for over 2 hours.

also, cassel or cutlerfucker? berrian, coles, or brandon marshall? (pick 2) i have to submit my roster AND jerk off before the wife gets home. time is a factor. chop chop.

big dave

Two hours! Are you insane? After 2 hours, you won’t have a dick left! That’s wasting valuable time, my friend. Get more efficient. It’s about the destination, not the journey.

Bench Coles. Start Cassel. If T-Jack can get 4 TD’s versus that Cardinals D…

What’s the easiest way to convince a girl that I don’t have an STD and it’s simply Fordyces, which isn’t bad or contagious. I’ve went as far as telling them to look it up online – not really helpful if you’re hooking up anywhere but her house or your house (and it still doesn’t convince them sometimes).

Romo, Thigpen, or Ryan for the win.

-name withheld

Well, let me just look up Fordyce’s on Wikipedia here and GAHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!! (NSFW) Holy shit. Why, Wikipedia? Why would you do that to me? Your dick looks like a goodamn SnoCap. Two words, my friend: blemish crème. Use all the makeup you can to convince ladies your dick doesn’t have chicken pox.

Seriously, though. I’d continue explaining to potential women your condition AND I would get a blood test that proves you’re STD-free. So you can whip it out if need be and say, “Look! I swear it’s true! Now give Bumpy here a big ol’ kiss.”

Tough call here. Start Ryan.

Until next week, gang.