Your 1pm open thread: whatsa muskit?
Unless you have a rooting interest, today’s early slate– save the Falcons-Bucs game– is a complete disaster area. Dog games galore. The ESPN Countdown crew took turns riding the high horse this morning; telling us what an abject failure the T.O. Experiment has been and how they knew all along it would end so badly. The only other place where people will tell you retrospectively of their long-standing confidence that things would come to pass is my barbershop.
If you believe these old duffers, they could have fixed the economy, Iraq and America’s sorry public education system years ago if only those fatcats in Washington would listen. Yet, in spite of their dedication to curing the nation’s ills, they still find time for levity. A few months back while waiting my turn, another customer asked what they did with all the hair that accumulated on the floor. “Well,” said one of the old barbers, “Ain’t good for nothin’ ‘cept makin’ muskits.” “What the hell is a ‘muskit’?” I asked, “Like one of those old-timey rifles?”
The old barber looked at me and in a very somber tone replied, “A muskit is a wig for a bald pu$$y.” He brayed with laughter and shouted “E.G.! E.G.! He fell for it! He fell for it!” The other barber burst from the men’s room, still pulling up his trousers, laughing at me. “Son, you just fell for the oldest barber joke there is.” They spent the rest of my visit giving me the business, and I went on my way.
Fast forward to this weekend, the boy and I both needed haircuts. He’s too young to sit still while I’m in the chair, so the wife had to come too. The situation presented a singular opportunity to exact my revenge. The boy got his haircut, then I took my spot in the chair while he sat with the wife. The second barber took advantage of a lull in business to tidy up a bit. He retrieved his broom from the corner and began sweeping. That was the wife’s cue. “So,” she asked icily, “what do you do with all that all that hair?” The old guy froze in his tracks, turned bright red and didn’t say a word. Nice.
[ image via you're english is suck ]
December 14th, 2008 at 1:06 pm
sf @ mia: apparently joey porter’s new nickname is “the sack man.”
i can’t decide if that’s funny or not.
December 14th, 2008 at 1:15 pm
After that, she asked “What’s a dickfer?”.
December 14th, 2008 at 1:16 pm
I’m so glad I don’t have to listen to Dierdorff talk this week, but I have to look at that god damn Fox robot.
December 14th, 2008 at 1:27 pm
Don’t fantasy playoffs spice up the shitty early slate? I’m analyzing every game like the Zapruder film.
December 14th, 2008 at 1:38 pm
What is it with the Bengals and the NFC East?
December 14th, 2008 at 1:43 pm
I’d rather have Pussy Pop than spotted dick.
December 14th, 2008 at 1:44 pm
I thought they were called merkins too?
I unfortunately have to listen to Dierdorf suck the juice out of Favre right shoulder. No early games on FOX in NY so kill me now. Also, I sit Coles and he’s going off again. SWEET!
December 14th, 2008 at 1:46 pm
Marshon Lynch and Michael Turner making early bids for Meast o the week.
December 14th, 2008 at 1:49 pm
@ Slothrop: Andre. Johnson.
December 14th, 2008 at 1:51 pm
is there a dumber man in america than dan dierdorf?
December 14th, 2008 at 1:56 pm
“Pussy Pop.” Approved by Jean Grey.
@BCW: Nope.
December 14th, 2008 at 1:56 pm
Did Greg Gumbel just say ’shazbot?’ When you think a guy can’t get any whiter, he pulls a Mork from Ork reference.
December 14th, 2008 at 1:57 pm
@ BCW
Rod Marinelli
December 14th, 2008 at 1:58 pm
Brian griese doing his best drew bledsoe impression
December 14th, 2008 at 2:02 pm
Wow bullshit illegal contact on 3rd and 10 when the pass was 15 yards behind Calvin Johnson.
December 14th, 2008 at 2:16 pm
Choosing between starting Thomas Jones, Leon Washington or both gives me weekly headaches.
December 14th, 2008 at 2:20 pm
Choosing between Darren McFadden and Leon Washington gives me weekly aneurysms after I invariably pick wrong.
December 14th, 2008 at 2:22 pm
Calvin Johnson just made bitches of the Colts D.
December 14th, 2008 at 2:22 pm
That was a godawful story.
December 14th, 2008 at 2:29 pm
@bk: It’s funny ’cause everyone EXCEPT Porter is sacking Shaun Hill today. Seriously, people are coming out of the stands and sacking him.
December 14th, 2008 at 2:37 pm
@ Colts and Hoosiers Fan
…at least I don’t have to listen to Rod Marinelli talk for three hours. If I did…
December 14th, 2008 at 2:48 pm
bwahahahahaha, Favro.
December 14th, 2008 at 2:49 pm
Favre’d!!
December 14th, 2008 at 2:50 pm
Is Dierdorf giving Favraro the ol’ mint julep?
December 14th, 2008 at 2:51 pm
And Marmnalard is picked too!
December 14th, 2008 at 3:04 pm
Can someone check on the Maj to be sure he’s alright?
December 14th, 2008 at 3:07 pm
Bill Leavy: “After reviewing the play, the runner never crossed the ball with the goal line.”
Marvelous.
December 14th, 2008 at 3:08 pm
Love that story, flub. I’ve missed out on lots of filthy jokes because my grandad — who knew some great ones — wouldn’t so much as say “damn” in my presence.
December 14th, 2008 at 3:15 pm
Over/under on UK posters in your barbershop: 17
December 14th, 2008 at 3:16 pm
for the love of God, someone please make Brian Balldinger stop talking
December 14th, 2008 at 3:18 pm
Surprisingly, Brian Billick is much, much better now than he was at the beginning of the year.
December 14th, 2008 at 3:20 pm
How in God’s name are the Jets not crushing Buffalo? I luvs me sum shitty New Yawk. Gimme some Bills and some Baltiless, beat teh 9ers in Miamah, and we’ll be good to go.
Playoffs, bitchez!!@
December 14th, 2008 at 3:22 pm
Motherfucker, what are you talking about?
December 14th, 2008 at 3:24 pm
Jets aren’t crushing the Bills because 1) the Jets lose games they’re supposed to win, and 2) the Bills like to give just the tip and make their fans think they might be able to compete the next year
December 14th, 2008 at 3:25 pm
Emmitt? Is that you?
December 14th, 2008 at 3:30 pm
Did BDD switch from the Vikings to the Dolphins and get a lobotomy? I suppose that is redundant.
December 14th, 2008 at 3:33 pm
Man oh man, smurphette’s got some ’splainin’ to do.
December 14th, 2008 at 3:34 pm
@Slothrop, just daring to believe. 1-15 last year, now a shot at the playoffs. Can’t contain myself. That, and I want to see Tawmmy cry.
December 14th, 2008 at 3:36 pm
bwahahahahaa, Ty Law. nice try against the run.
December 14th, 2008 at 3:41 pm
Turner and MJD have shown up like they have all year in fantasy but damn you Marmalard… Boldin and WELKAH better save me this afternoon.
December 14th, 2008 at 3:46 pm
are you fucking kidding me Losman? Goddammit you suck ass.
December 14th, 2008 at 3:46 pm
J.P. Losman just happened. That’s the only way to describe that.
December 14th, 2008 at 3:47 pm
There’s no greater feeling than narrowly getting knocked out of your playoffs one week, and then having your team put up astronomical numbers the next week when it doesn’t matter at all. Awesome.
December 14th, 2008 at 3:47 pm
THIS JUST IN: BILLS COACH DICK JAURON HAS JUST BEEN FIRED.
December 14th, 2008 at 3:48 pm
Holy shit. Someone has to lose their job after that horrifyingly awful call in the Bills/Jets game.
December 14th, 2008 at 3:48 pm
Fucking Bills. Powerful stupid.
December 14th, 2008 at 3:50 pm
Tripplette got KTFO.
December 14th, 2008 at 3:50 pm
I played Vincent Jackson instead of Greg Jennings, and Jonathan Stewart instead of Leon Washington. This is why I missed the playoffs and I’m playing for Consolation.
December 14th, 2008 at 3:51 pm
Wow I wish I was watching the Bills Jets game since everyone is apparently pissed off now.
December 14th, 2008 at 4:00 pm
Phhhhewwww… Dolphins scrape through again. How many lives does a Dolphin have?
/Dolphin>Cat
December 14th, 2008 at 4:01 pm
Nobody
circles the wagonsshits the bed like the Buffalo Bills.December 14th, 2008 at 4:30 pm
Looks like Vincent Jackson and Lazerface are trying to save teh season.
December 14th, 2008 at 9:58 pm
i would never go to a barber shop that gives anyone “the business.”
/might be misunderstanding what that means