You Suck! Now Start Acting Like It!
Most of you will be pissed when you realize this post has nothing to do with the Pittsburgh Steelers. There’s a bigger towel to trample right now, and it sits on a patch of dirt in the shitheap of incompetence listed on your maps as Detroit, Michigan. We’re on the cusp of history; The Detroit Lions are 0-15, a scenario that can break exactly one of two ways. Option A: Detroit upsets the Packers in Week 17, in Green Bay, where they haven’t won in 17 years. Or, Option B: The Lions continue their mastery of scoring fewer points than the other team and ride that shit-stained chariot of ineptitude into immortality.
Either way, we hold this truth to be self-evident: one week from today, Rod Marinelli’s ass is gone. Marinelli is the most visible remnant of the Old Millen Regime, and it wouldn’t be unfair to say that he couldn’t coach 50 ccs of semen into Brady Quinn’s mouth. But let’s not hang this all on Rod. He’s had help from this amazing cadre of fuckups:
JOE BARRY: DEFENSIVE COORDINATOR
How great a coach is Joe? Who cares? Barry married Rod’s daughter, which means the Lions’ defensive coordinator is also the head coach’s son-in-law! And is that his daddy Mike that’s an assistant for the offensive line? It’s like a family reunion in there. But now who brings the buffalo wings to film study?
Perhaps the worst indictment of Joe Barry is that he doesn’t even run his own defensive meetings; Marinelli does. Okay, fine, but who holds Joe’s dick when he takes a piss?
KIPPY BROWN: PASSING GAME COORDINATOR
Passing game? That passing game that ranks in the bottom five in every conceivable category? Luckily, your office is probably smaller than Marinelli’s, which should make it even faster to clean out! But chin up, Kippy. You’ll have plenty of time to prepare for an offseason of fruitless, token head coaching interviews!
STAN KWAN: SPECIAL TEAMS
Colch speciar teems fol Deetloit Rions? No smirre!
So this team didn’t shit the bed 15 times by accident. And Rob Parker, a Detriot-area columnist who might describe his entire career as oh and fifteen, had as much nerve to ask Marinelli as much in the postgame press conference when Parker asked, “Do you wish your daughter had married a better defensive coordinator?”
And Parker’s an authority on incompetence. In fact, Parker was once called been called The Worst Columnist In America! By The Big Lead! That’s like Keanu Reeves calling Heath Ledger lifeless! But Florio joined the FOX panel in pooh-poohing the move, saying that “Parker’s question had no redeeming value or purpose.”
Oh, I beg to differ.
I beg to differ because I am so goddamned sick of every shitty coach in America sitting behind a microphone after his team gets its ass whipped and tell everyone how they’re gonna work hard and fix everything next week. YOU ARE OH AND MOTHERFUCKING FIFTEEN! YOU HAVE FAILED MORE THAN ANY FOOTBALL TEAM IN THE HISTORY OF THE SPORT. YOU DO NOT HAVE A FUCKING CLUE WHAT YOU’RE DOING! STAN KWAN HAS ALREADY COMMITTED SEPPUKU, FOR FUCK’S SAKE. AT LEAST HE HAS A SENSE OF SHAME!
Get pissed. Punch a baby. Drag your wife around the block by her hair. Do SOMETHING that would indicate any degree of displeasure with your record. Because you couldn’t suck a bigger dick if that dick got horrible gas mileage and had a terrible resale value. And you ought know, shitbag! You work in Detroit!
I can’t wait until you get fired and you make that shiteating grimace at the press conference to say, “What, me? Are you serious? I thought we were doing okay.” No, you are not doing okay, and you’re down to six days to master not doing okay, because your ass will go the way of the Edsel. Dickbag.
Rob Parker can see this. Why can’t you? Because you suck. Now start acting like it.
Tags: 0-16, anatomy of fail, detroit lions, MMP
December 23rd, 2008 at 1:52 pm
The fuck does Stephen Kwan know about special teams?
December 23rd, 2008 at 1:54 pm
If only Stan Kwan could coach special teams the way his sister Cookie sells real estate.
December 23rd, 2008 at 1:57 pm
The whole Lions team is special.
December 23rd, 2008 at 1:57 pm
I expected Kippy Brown to look like an Ivy League douchebag (see Jason Garrett), not a heavy set middle-aged black guy.
December 23rd, 2008 at 1:58 pm
If only Stan Kwan could coach special teams the way his sister Cookie sells real estate.
He’d definitely keep receivers off the west side of the field.
December 23rd, 2008 at 2:02 pm
We’ve been over this. Rod’s shovel is sharp and his will is outstanding.
December 23rd, 2008 at 2:02 pm
When the Mensa chapter of Fox’s NFL Studio Crew calls you an “idiot,” that has to sting. Those boys have advanced degrees in stupid.
December 23rd, 2008 at 2:10 pm
I don’t know why anyone should pay any attention to what ex-athletes, especially guys like Terry Bradshaw who notoriously hate reporters, have anything to say about what a reporter does and I’m not sure why Marinelli should be praised for being “classy.” Buddy Ryan was a colossal asshole and his defense got the Bears to 15-1 and a Super Bowl. I think Parker’s idea was right (”Is nepotism the only reason this inept clown is your DC?”), but his phrasing was . . . inartful.
December 23rd, 2008 at 2:20 pm
Fucking Lions. Were they trying to hire a proper coaching staff or cast the next crew of the USS Enterprise?
December 23rd, 2008 at 2:22 pm
I love how Marinelli thought the question posed was disrespectful to his daughter. I’m pretty sure the point was to clown him for hiring his son-in-law.
December 23rd, 2008 at 2:22 pm
I had no idea who Parker was until just now. He just became my favorite Columnist. That may be the greatest question asked during a post lose press conference.
Awesome.
December 23rd, 2008 at 2:23 pm
Yeah, I live in Detroit (try not to be jealous) and you should have heard the uproar on sports radio yesterday afternoon. “But he said it at a press conference, its sacred! Not the precious precious presser” like shut the fuck up, he’s a coach of a football team not the goddamn president of the US. CHRIST! also? I hate the word “presser”
December 23rd, 2008 at 2:26 pm
+1 CR: Anyone who uses the word “presser” for a press conference should be burned at the stake.
Fucking douchebags
December 23rd, 2008 at 2:33 pm
I love how Marinelli thought the question posed was disrespectful to his daughter. I’m pretty sure the point was to clown him for hiring his son-in-law.
Yeah, that was fairly obvious to anyone not named Michael Strahan.
December 23rd, 2008 at 2:34 pm
Hey, want to know how to fix this team, besides not hiring a functioning retard as GM and a half-wit as head coach?
…
DRAFT A GOOD FUCKING PLAYER OTHER THAN CALVIN JOHNSON!
December 23rd, 2008 at 2:48 pm
Perhaps the worst indictment of Joe Barry is that he doesn’t even run his own defensive meetings; Marinelli does. Okay, fine, but who holds Joe’s dick when he takes a piss?
Have you watched a Lions game? I’m pretty sure the Defensive Coordinator pisses his pants.
December 23rd, 2008 at 2:54 pm
oh fyi, Ford is “keeping an open mind” as to Marinelli returning. Also? I was at that game sunday (free tickets) and the mood in their was downright creepy. Silent and apathetic, all you could hear was the murmuring of fans engaged in their own separate conversations.
December 23rd, 2008 at 3:02 pm
Thank God I’ve found people who actually thought the question was funny. I’ve had enough with the faux moral outrage on sports talk radio.
December 23rd, 2008 at 3:05 pm
Los Angeles would like to know if the Lions are available. Nobody would ever notice in LA if the team went 0-16 or 19-0, but they’d all have to be there between the 2nd and 3rd quarters to see it.
December 23rd, 2008 at 3:12 pm
After watching the Packers blow yet another game last night I am convinced that they are going to lose next week.
December 23rd, 2008 at 3:17 pm
@Doc Holiday – Loved you in Tombstone. Calvin Johnson isn’t the only good draft pick by the Lions. There’s also Kevin Smith and Ernie Sims. Oh, and Jason Hanson, best Lions draft pick I can ever remember. I think the Lions need to build around them. Yes, I am a Lions fan, and yes I am quite sad to admit that we should build around our kicker.
Did anyone see Mitch Albom’s article? http://www.freep.com/article/20081221/COL01/81221043 Marinelli is not the problem, definitely part of it, but not _the_ problem.
December 23rd, 2008 at 3:18 pm
I love racial jokes as much as the next person, especially Asian ones (I’m Asian). However, you could at least insult the correct culture.
Kwan = Chinese
Seppuku = Japanese
UU – that’s some funny shit man.
December 23rd, 2008 at 3:19 pm
You completely missed the biggest part of the problem: Jim Colletto, offensive coordinator. This guy has ridden a 21-42 head coaching record at Purdue into multiple OL and OC jobs in the pros. It is like Canada hiring George W. Bush to be Chief Military Strategist after he leaves office.
December 23rd, 2008 at 3:26 pm
They might have a better shot if Michelle Kwan coaches special teams.
December 23rd, 2008 at 3:31 pm
@Captain Murphy: isn’t she a known choker? she never got the gold right? In other words, perfect for the Lions.
December 23rd, 2008 at 3:37 pm
The Lions should take Denver/San Diego’s place in the playoffs and be allowed to continue playing until they win.
December 23rd, 2008 at 3:43 pm
Knowing the Packer’s luck this season they will somehow lose by 3 or less this week and the Lions will get their win.
December 23rd, 2008 at 3:46 pm
How does a team not win a single game? Man, is there anything Detroit can’t fuck up? You’d think a city full of angry, unemployed people would at least be good at a game that requires a certain amount of aggression. If nothing else, they should have a winning football team.
And that question was fucking AWESOME. If only sportswriters in the Dallas area weren’t permanently lodged up Jerry Jones’ colon, we might get kick-ass questions like that. Instead, we get to witness near-daily tongue-bathing of Jones’ testicles. Yeah, think about that one, picture it…
December 23rd, 2008 at 3:53 pm
@ndhwn: I think this is your bus…
December 23rd, 2008 at 4:11 pm
As bad as this has all been – I can’t wait for Rod to come back and take Monte Kiffen’s job in Tampa.
/dick joke
December 23rd, 2008 at 4:50 pm
Commish Rawdgaw Gawdell: And with the first pick in the 2009 NFL Draft, the Detroit Lions select, Michael Crabtree, Wide Receiver, Texas Tech
December 23rd, 2008 at 9:49 pm
So, after the carmakers re-fail two years from now and the city of Detroit shuts down, will the team move to Las Vegas? Like in the movie Major League with the Cleveland Indians. Why else was Millen hired?
Pitty they built that colossal new stadium. State of Michigan is gonna have one HUGE foreclosure on its hands.
Las Vegas Lions has a nice ring to it, don’t ya think?
December 24th, 2008 at 2:15 am
a. i think parker’s question was actually humorous
b. i wish nbc flexed the lions/packers game
3. i am only partially retarded
q. what the fuck is going on with uproxx page formatting? is my computer broken?
December 24th, 2008 at 11:03 am
“The Detroit Lions are 0-15, a scenario that can break exactly one of two ways. Option A: Detroit upsets the Packers in Week 17, in Green Bay, where they haven’t won in 17 years. Or, Option B: The Lions continue their mastery of scoring fewer points than the other team and ride that shit-stained chariot of ineptitude into immortality.”
You getting rules interpretations from Donovan, guys? Option C: Lions piss everybody off by tying Green Bay. Hopefully a 0 – 0 tie. With a missed field goal at the end of overtime. If. There. Is. A. God.
December 24th, 2008 at 11:03 am
I don’t like how Millen was able to “re-sign” and partially escape this disaster of a season. He should be placed on the 50 yard line at Ford Field when they lose, while all the homeless people in Detroit rub they’re naked, smelly, HIV infected bodies on him. Pissing and shitting all over him while Barry Sanders repeatedly kicks him in the balls!! At least this would give Lions fans something to cheer about.
Merry Christmas you fat fuck, rest easy knowing that at least 15 people were murdered in Detroit because you’re a failure as a human being and have no sense of how to run a football team.
December 24th, 2008 at 11:31 am
He should force is daughter to marry Rex Ryan
http://thingsfatpeoplehate.wordpress.com/2008/12/22/mall-santa-hates/
December 24th, 2008 at 11:52 am
Punte, YOU WERE ON FIRE! Well played sir.
December 24th, 2008 at 12:40 pm
i’m not sure which is more surprising:
that there’s no infighting from this team
or
they’re winless AFTER firing matt millen
December 24th, 2008 at 3:02 pm
deck da hawls wif bawls of harry,fa-ra-ra-ra-ra,ra-ra-ra-ra,tiss da season to be jarry,fa-ra-ra-ra-ra,ra-ra-ra-ra
happy holidays,now bring the pain! 24hrs of a christmas story
December 25th, 2008 at 1:23 am
@Ryno: That’s EFFIN’ funny!!!
All I know is Rob Parker’s comments at this stage were WHOLLY appropriate. If you can’t get a win, you can at least get a good laugh out of this.
I have decided that here on KSK, I am announcing my candidacy for Lions GM. Yes, I’m serious. As the Lions achieve the perfect un-season, I will have seen everything wrong that could ever go wrong for a pro football franchise. Not only that, but I was at Prairie View A&M during “The Streak” so again, I’ve seen it when the band at halftime gave the best performance of the game. I don’t have the credentials, but as every single GM for Detroit in my lifetime has proven they don’t matter anyway. Why not give someone like me a chance? Someone who for once in his life would like to see an actual Pro Bowl QB wearing a Lions helmet. Someone who wants to never re-live “Another one bites the dust,” as the motto and instill “To crush your enemies, see them driven before you, and to hear the lamentation of the women.” Why not me? Why not someone who wants not to be pitied and laughed at, but to have to hear the haters hate because we’re just that good?
I want to be Lions GM and I don’t just want to win; I want to trample on the souls of every other franchise in the league.
December 25th, 2008 at 7:18 am
Re: That’s like Keanu Reeves calling Heath Ledger lifeless!
I am both repulsed and in awe of the brilliance of that comment.
December 26th, 2008 at 7:22 am
The casual racism was hilarious, you fucking cunt. I hope you literally die an actual death sooner than you expect to.