People who’ve never had a gun pointed at them don’t know. They live in naive La-La Land like in the IBM BladeCenter commercials with the crazy animated animals. BUT I BET YOU DIDN’T KNOW THAT TOAD IS CARRYING A TOOL! HE READY TO LIGHT YOU UP THE SECOND YOU TURN YO BACK! THEN YOU BE THE SHOT-UP HUCKLEBERRY!

Once you been robbed at gunpoint, that gives you free rein to carry firearms the rest of your life. It may sound counterintuitive that someone who’s been the victim of irresponsible gun use should in turn get a gun themselves, but let me lay out my reasoned reply:

YOU BEEN DISRESPECTED!

YOU NOW ON A LIFELONG QUEST TO REGAIN RESPECT! Even if you do so in ways that run counter to the federal statutes and end up hurting yourself in an embarrassing fashion. Respect is not an exact science. It’s hard to gauge when you’re being properly respected. Lemme tell you: You feel the respect when you carrying a gun in yo sweatpants. THAT GUN IS A TOOL OF SELF-RESPECT! WE SHOULD GIVE THEM TO WOMEN WITH BODY ISSUES SO THEY CAN FEEL GOOD! GET YO GUN FATTIE AND FIX YO CAKE-EATIN’ MOUF!

This kid got the right idea. You goin’ a long way, junior.

Me and Plaxico, we know The Way of the Gun. We watched that movie together when we was on the Steelers. We learned some important lessons: First, that white boy can kind of act. And, second, that if you carry two pistols a la John Woo, that’s TWICE THE RESPECT! That’s why Tank Johnson the most respected man in the league. Ask anyone.

This week, we’re holding the second annual KsK Kares Kharity Drive for Fisher House, which helps build temp housing for disabled veterans and their families. You can donate directly to FH here.