Will He Or Won’t He?
[Office of Mike Tannenbaum, New York Jets general manager. Mike is sitting at his desk as Brett Favre walks in]
Mike Tannenbaum: Hi Brett, come on in and have a seat. So listen, I want you to know that the Jets are truly committed to having you back for 2009.
BRETT FAVRE: Welldatsoll wellinguud derr Mikeybuttah ainso surrabout cumminback cuzimmeen ibeenhere fowrdang monts inna ainseen no guud coonhuntin anuwhure. Endiffderr wonthing Brittfarr wondoo itsgo huntin dem coons.
Mike Tannenbaum: Well, uh, Brett, you know the correct nomenclature is African-American now. I mean, you know, between us whitefolk we can even–
BRETT FAVRE: NO CUMMON DERR yabigol hushpuppy. Coonsin crittersin varmits anna guudoll fishinole. Aingot nunnadat herriNoo Yowrk andiownlee spotiNoo Jerzeegotta bigoll Wappina tracsoot keeppon charjinmee fordda bait. Mighbe sumptin shaydeegonnonn derr, lemme tell ya.
Mike Tannenbaum: Hey, Brett, I totally understand. You’re looking for more of the natural amenities that you enjoyed in Green Bay. And the Jets organization is sensitive to that. So you tell me, what’s it going to take to keep Brett Favre in a Jets uniform for 2009?
BRETT FAVRE: Awcommunderr Mikeydon need nuttinbutta lilmoor tymma thinkuh boudit. Lettoll demoll meedya typespeckuhlatin kinda willie wonnie Brittfarr willie wonnie. Datderr’s guudfer bizniz, lemme tell ya.
Mike Tannenbaum: Brett, we’d really like to avoid that sort of attention this offseason. Now tell me. What does Brett Favre need from the Jets to play quarterback one more season.
BRETT FAVRE: Welluh…
Mike Tannenbaum: Come on, Brett, don’t be bashful.
BRETT FAVRE: Welluh…dat Mangeenee? Heddun thinkoll Britfarr ennuhthinkkit mybeeziur fwee din havoll puppytits assa big dog next year.
Mike Tannenbaum: So you want Mangini gone. That’s great, because I fired him like three days ago.
BRETT FAVRE: Yaddid? Aw dat jus dandy.
Mike Tannenbaum: Indeed. Now what else does Brett Favre want?
BRETT FAVRE: Well [reaches into back pocket], beenthinkinbowt dem yooni forms y’allad lasyeer? Ol’ Brittfarr haddenay deeuh boutdat. Now juslooky addis and telloll Brittwutyathink.
[Brett hands Mike a doctored photo]
Mike Tannenbaum: Wow, this is…this is something…I’ll have to get back to you on this, Brett. I notice that on this jersey, you don’t have a number.
BRETT FAVRE: Naw, seederr? Dassa bigoll possum.
Mike Tannenbaum: You want your jersey number…to be a possum?
BRETT FAVRE: Yessir, frunowwon immabee runninnow datderr tunnelendat bigoll voysgun holler, “Heer’s y’alls quoreback, nummer possum, Brittfarr!”
Mike Tannenbaum: That’s some powerful imagery, Brett. But I’m quite sure the league won’t let your replace your jersey number with a possum.
BRETT FAVRE: Dubble possum den.
Mike Tannenbaum: Brett…let’s just put this one aside for now. What else do you want?
BRETT FAVRE: Well…howbow summadem geesinda lockaruum?
Mike Tannenbaum: Geese? Brett…you can’t hunt geese in the team dressing room.
BRETT FAVRE: Hunnum? Ayduwanna hunnum? Ayjuslike geese. Yewlike geese, doncha?
Mike Tannenbaum: Well, yes, of course! I, uh, even had a pet goose as a child! Such…sanitary creatures.
BRETT FAVRE: Yew foolin. Ol’ Brittfarr knowdattif yew haddiny geesen yewdnoduh singulurfer geeses geese, ya bigoll dummy.
Mike Tannenbaum: Oh…well yes, haha! You got me, Brett. I should have known to put one over on you!
BRETT FAVRE: Wellemme thinkusumudder stuffen allbee fixintecall yewtumorruh?
Mike Tannenbaum: That’s fine, Brett. I’m glad we had a chance to meet. Take care.
[Favre leaves. Woody Johnson, Jets owner, enters]
Woody Johnson: So you got Brett to come back, right?
Mike Tannenbaum: That depends. [shows Woody the photo] How do you feel about double possum?
Tags: backwater Brett, Brett Favre, MMP
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December 31st, 2008 at 9:15 am
Brain went OUCHIE!
December 31st, 2008 at 9:15 am
I almost spit out my coffee at the possum jersey pic. Bravo.
December 31st, 2008 at 9:23 am
All that New Jersey’s got is a “bigoll Wappina tracsoot”. Too true.
December 31st, 2008 at 9:24 am
A broken-in pair of shit kickers would round out that uniform nicely.
December 31st, 2008 at 9:26 am
He does feel comfortable in Wrangler. The commercial told me so, about ten thousand times!!
December 31st, 2008 at 9:30 am
I’m your Huckleberry (Finn).
December 31st, 2008 at 9:33 am
Unfortunately it is not a picture of a possum, it is a picture of a lemur. Trust me, I have killed too many with shovels to not know that it is not a possum.
December 31st, 2008 at 9:33 am
All he’s missing is a racoon hat in place of the helmet
December 31st, 2008 at 9:33 am
thas a purty good pose there punte
December 31st, 2008 at 9:34 am
ESPN will insist on drama come July and August, that much is certain. I won’t be able to say I’ve lived again until Rachel Nichols crawls up Brett colon again for some in depth reporting….
December 31st, 2008 at 9:35 am
That was the original design for the Titan’s uniforms.
December 31st, 2008 at 9:39 am
Squeal like a ’slinger.
December 31st, 2008 at 9:42 am
Possum tail aingot no harr onem. Dey harrless usee? Udderndat grate post.
/Off to work the land now.
December 31st, 2008 at 9:51 am
Why is Favre flashing a gang sign? Also, missing from that pic are dip spit stains on his possum jersey.
December 31st, 2008 at 9:51 am
I totally would’ve been first, but it took me forty minutes to read this. I’m off to punch a white guy, now.
December 31st, 2008 at 9:54 am
Gawl Danggit dats purdy hard ta read. Gots ta sound it out PHO-NE-TIC-ALY
December 31st, 2008 at 9:57 am
How long did it take you to write this post? Do you get a headache writing Favaro’s dialogue?
December 31st, 2008 at 10:00 am
Terry Bradshaw found this to be shallow and pedantic. Peter King agrees as he heard this phrase used once on The Family Guy.
December 31st, 2008 at 10:01 am
Possum, the other other other white meat. Now available on all levels at Jets home games with you choice of dipping sauces: creole, cajun and tabakky.
December 31st, 2008 at 10:22 am
It is a possum, not a lemur. However, it isn’t a Virginia Opossum, which would be the sort found in North America. It’s some weird Australian one.
December 31st, 2008 at 10:23 am
@Clint – I’m pretty sure the most clever thing about it is its near-indecipherability. Die horribly.
Seriously, I had to read each Favre line three times. The first time I laughed at the sheer ridiculousness of the spelling; the second time I laughed at what he was actually saying. The third time, I nearly cried thinking about Punter trying to come up with that backwater redneck slang.
December 31st, 2008 at 10:27 am
Clint: apparently you did.
I started to read this thinking “Aw fuck, I don’t want to hear about that fucktard”. But this is good sheet mon. Happy New Year Jets! You have a qb (or not) that can’t commit. You have no Mangenious. No Cowher. Sigh.
BWAHAHAHAHHAHHA!
December 31st, 2008 at 10:34 am
the jets next head coach? this golden retriever!
December 31st, 2008 at 10:36 am
@Johnny D – Correct me if I’m wrong, but doesn’t Punter live in Kentucky? My guess is he had to tone it down a little bit so that the rest of us could read it.
If you can’t read this, just watch Boomhauer on King of the Hill until you become fluent in redneck mumble.
December 31st, 2008 at 10:44 am
@Mike Lupica – I’m not going to lie. I read “Rachel Nichols” and “colon” in the same sentence and got a little aroused.
December 31st, 2008 at 10:50 am
For the first time ever I could actually read this without even slowing down. Thanks KSK for making me quadralingual now. I got Hines, Brett, Pac, and Tawmmy down pat.
/my new year’s resolution is to become octalingual.
December 31st, 2008 at 11:10 am
@ devang: coonskin cap > hunter orange helmet with a black “Natural Light” logo printed on the side and a fishhook bent over the facemask (?)
December 31st, 2008 at 11:14 am
You just made it under deadline. This is the funniest thing I read all year. Well done, Sir.
December 31st, 2008 at 11:15 am
You just made it under deadline-This is the funniest thing I read all year. Well done, Sir.
December 31st, 2008 at 11:17 am
I think ‘double possum’ is going to be my fantasy team for next year. I already won a championship as ‘(door flies open)’
December 31st, 2008 at 11:19 am
Of all the creative things you guys could, this is the best you can come up with? Lame.
December 31st, 2008 at 11:24 am
+1. Perfect.
December 31st, 2008 at 11:31 am
I have lived in the South my whole life. I have to admit, I had to read this post about 5 times to actually decipher what the hell Favre was saying….classic!!!
December 31st, 2008 at 11:36 am
I really want one of those possum shirts. Looks like it’d be especially great for a touch football game.
December 31st, 2008 at 11:45 am
Hilarious dialogue. He’s such a great hillbilly….and drama queen. I love Brett, but, man, can he drag this out for the SECOND STRAIGHT SEASON?!?! HH@showoffsports.com
December 31st, 2008 at 11:52 am
@HH: second is inaccurate, he has pulled this crap for three to four years straight.
December 31st, 2008 at 12:07 pm
goddamn that was hard to read.couldnt tell if it was brett favre or boomhauer.
December 31st, 2008 at 12:11 pm
By the way cockslappers, possum is really spelled opossum. Don’t know why I didn’t catch that earlier considering how important it was to spell that correctly to graduate from the bumfucked redneck high school I went to. Also, on the final was identify if it was a small block or big block chevy V8 based on the sound alone, and 5 question multiple choice section regarding the state laws regarding fishin and huntin.
But if you ask these fucktards, http://home.earthlink.net/~frontporchmusic/id14.html , you did spell it correctly.
December 31st, 2008 at 12:14 pm
@chris johnson: There’s a difference?
December 31st, 2008 at 12:46 pm
Needs more Peter King nekid.
December 31st, 2008 at 12:47 pm
who gives an intercepted fuck?
December 31st, 2008 at 1:33 pm
Maybe Brittfarr could meet up with Pacman at a Speech Therapy class.
December 31st, 2008 at 1:34 pm
I’m not sure what makes this funnier: the fact that you have to read Brett’s dialogue three times to understand it, or that there’s a decent chance he actually sounds and talks exactly like that.
And now, your starting quarterback for the New York Jets, number double possum, Brett Favre!
December 31st, 2008 at 2:33 pm
Fuck, my mother grew up in Mississippi and I’m glad she didn’t spew bullshit like Fav-ruh here.
God, this is worse than Jake Delhomme and his need for a Cajun interpreter.
December 31st, 2008 at 2:57 pm
The possum was absolute brilliance. Thank you for that.
December 31st, 2008 at 3:18 pm
Did Brittfarr pick up ‘lemme tell ya’ in ‘Sconson? cause it ain’t Mississip.
December 31st, 2008 at 3:33 pm
THAT is why Photoshop was invented.
December 31st, 2008 at 4:57 pm
Fuck I can’t read this. Too bad Yahoo doesn’t have a “Hickshit to English” translator.
Oh wait, I found it. It’s under French.
December 31st, 2008 at 5:02 pm
I think I got a concussion reading this. Aneurism in 3…2…1………………………………………………..
December 31st, 2008 at 6:55 pm
@spanky datass: I know it isn’t from my area of ‘Sconson (northwestern). Never been to the eastern part of the state myself.
Now, wood ya tell me why you would wanna hun some geese and not dem bucks ov’r der?
December 31st, 2008 at 11:01 pm
“Yessir, frunowwon immabee runninnow datderr tunnelendat bigoll voysgun holler, “Heer’s y’alls quoreback, nummer possum, Brittfarr!””
hahahahaha….best part of a hilarious article