Why Are My F-cking Fantasy Football Teams So Sh-tty?
I played in five fantasy football leagues this year; I didn’t make the playoffs in any of them. I bought the magazines and everything, did the research, had discussions about certain players with my friends. And now, All my minutes of waiver wire shopping and proposing shitty trades to Rob Iracane seem to have gone for naught, and so now I’m out $200 and wondering why I didn’t just roll those fantasy mags into a bonfire and throw myself on top of it.
Some people think fantasy sports are just glorified gambling, while others have said that such practices run on websites actually infringe on proprietary information of the NFL. Fuck those people, I say. They’re overlooking the greatest injustice of all: that fantasy football can make somebody like me, a guy who does nothing but watch football, feel like a total football idiot.
Football is, now more than ever, my life. I’ve watched more action in 2008 than I ever watched in the 80s, 90s, or aughts…combined. I write about it, I think about it, I study it. How the fuck could I be so bad at this? Why can’t this just be like sex, where I could just stay drunk the whole time and receive insincere compliments the next morning?
The prime issue might be that I just pour hours of prep into my draft board and then, once that process of picking my cadre of statistical fuckups is over, I take the rest of the fall off. In other words, I run my team exactly the way Mike Brown runs the Bengals. Maybe I should hire a general manager, too.
So now I have to watch everyone else in the leagues I FUCKING RUN AS COMMISSIONER chase that virtual championship, while I sit idly by with my dick in my hand and think of new rules that will fuck everybody over next year. Did you fucks even pay your league fees? I hate this shit.
Oh, but congrats to everyone that made the playoffs in their leagues. I hope you choke on each other’s cocks.
Tags: fantasy football, haterade, MMP
December 1st, 2008 at 9:56 am
My draft yielded me Carson Palmer, Larry Johnson, Marc Bulger, and Ocho Cinco.
Yep, I’ve spent the past three weeks begging Justin Gage to yield some kind of result.
December 1st, 2008 at 9:59 am
Three thoughts you may have had that indicate you’re going to have a crappy year:
1) Lee Evans in the 4th round, STEAL OF THE DRAFT!
2) The Texans had their best year ever last year, Schaub is definitely a solid backup to Derek Anderson
3) I’m the envy of this draft, I got Kellen Winslow AND Braylon Edwards.
December 1st, 2008 at 10:02 am
EXTREME CLOSE-UP!!!!!!
December 1st, 2008 at 10:05 am
And that is why I stopped playing fantasy football.
BTW, your dentist should see you now.
December 1st, 2008 at 10:05 am
I was lucky, my position in the draft afforded me the oppurtunity not to draft all of those one year wonders and otherwise busts.
December 1st, 2008 at 10:06 am
Measure the disappointment in another way — cancel the leagues.
December 1st, 2008 at 10:08 am
WHY IS MY FUCKING UNDERBITE SO PRONOUNCED?
December 1st, 2008 at 10:13 am
those are some nice window treatments.
December 1st, 2008 at 10:15 am
those are some nice window treatments.
Seriously.
Unless you took that picture at a Perkin’s Restaurant or your mom’s house, I think I know why your fantasy teams did so poorly this year, funboy.
December 1st, 2008 at 10:16 am
*cough*goingtotheplayoffsinallthreeleagues*cough*
December 1st, 2008 at 10:17 am
Unless you took that picture at a Perkin’s Restaurant or your mom’s house…
Pretty sure that was a Bob Evans somewhere in Cincinnati.
December 1st, 2008 at 10:18 am
Bob Evans. Dammit, I was close.
December 1st, 2008 at 10:21 am
The Bob Evans?
December 1st, 2008 at 10:28 am
Last year: Laurence Maroney — This year: Joseph Addai
I have a talent for picking overblown running backs
December 1st, 2008 at 10:30 am
I know why my team sucks. Cuz fuck LT and Dropsie Edwards, that’s why.
December 1st, 2008 at 10:33 am
Fantasy football is dead.
December 1st, 2008 at 10:34 am
What is this “not going to the playoffs” that you speak of? I know fantasy football only as supplemental income.
December 1st, 2008 at 10:49 am
At least you weren’t in first place all year long, only to have the team with THE LEAST AMOUNT OF FUCKING POINTS IN THE ENTIRE FUCKING LEAGUE (that somehow managed to catch everyone on their worst week to stay one game behind you) win your division!!! This retarded fucking monkey has 350 less points than me on the season and I have to watch his sorry ass play in a league that I run… did I mention that he never made one transaction move all season and that he starts Kevin Smith, Kevin Walter, Todd Heap, & the Chargers D every week? I FUCKING HATE THIS SHIT!!!!… (time to start prepping for next year’s draft)
December 1st, 2008 at 10:53 am
I abandoned my teams like a prom night fetus in about Week 9. It’s easier that way. Now I can blame their tanking on apathy rather than ineptitude.
December 1st, 2008 at 10:54 am
You know what’s worse than a cadre of statistical fuckups? Needing one win against 3 sub .500 teams and each goes off for season high scores. So a big fuck you to Thomas Jones (3 TDs) , Kellen Winslow (2TDs), Marshawn Lynch(2 TDs), Randy Moss (3 TDs), Brian Westbrook (4 TDs), and the Tampa Defense (2 TDs) for rising out of your funks for one career game the week you faced me.
December 1st, 2008 at 10:54 am
Purple Jesus = Fantasy Playoff lock.
December 1st, 2008 at 10:57 am
yeah, that’s fantasy football for ya. There’s just waaaay too much luck involved. That’s why the dipshits who don’t know jack about football always seem to hang in there and like as not win the fucking thing. After more than a dozen years of pulling my hair out, and winning it all a few times, I pulled the plug this year. Now I can actually watch games without worrying about the fantasy implications. Unless muff stubble girl is involved…
December 1st, 2008 at 11:03 am
I haven’t won shit in my league since I became commissioner. Being commissioner must be the kiss of death. Also, fuck you Ryan Grant and Rian Lindell
December 1st, 2008 at 11:05 am
I haven’t won shit in my league since I became commissioner. Being commissioner must be the kiss of death, that have taken Joe Addai with my first pick. Also, fuck you Ryan Grant and Rian Lindell
December 1st, 2008 at 11:06 am
*that and taking…
/long weekend
December 1st, 2008 at 11:09 am
don’t read those fantasy mags. they’re crap.
http://www.rotoworld.com and some Matthew Berry for comic relief mostly but sometimes he has good picks.
/made playoffs in both my leagues
December 1st, 2008 at 11:14 am
I’m still in the hunt, but need a couple teams ahead of me to collapse for me to make the money round of the playoffs. Still smarting after getting completely housed last week by Cassel and Moss. It was great to watch them get trucked by the Stillers yesterday though.
December 1st, 2008 at 11:17 am
As far as new statistical categories go I have pondered a few due to my consistent mediocrity early this season.
#1 – Add a roster spot for a punter. Scoring on 50+ yds and kicks inside the 20/10/5. And for my 1st selection in this year’s draft I will take Nick Harris of the Detroit Lions.
#2 – Give points to the QB for successfully handling the snap from the center. Yeah, my QBs sucked that bad!
December 1st, 2008 at 11:19 am
Pretty sure that was a Bob Evans somewhere in Cincinnati.
the one by the cooker? cause that’s an excellent Bob Evans
December 1st, 2008 at 11:34 am
My Thanksgiving was so good that I won’t remind you that Fantasy Football = Dungeons and Dragons for grown-ups. Time-wasting pussy repellent.
December 1st, 2008 at 11:37 am
@claude balls: I challenge you to an honor du-al.
December 1st, 2008 at 11:46 am
I think it’s safe to say claude balls is better than the rest of us.
December 1st, 2008 at 11:53 am
@LLUA: No, just sick of FF posts. I’d rather read extended musings on the perfect post-Thanksgiving turkey sandwich. Speaking of which, where is Drew today?
December 1st, 2008 at 11:54 am
I haven’t made the playoffs for like 4 years. This is after I dominated our league the first 2 years. I want to fucking murder whoever created fantasy football.
December 1st, 2008 at 11:56 am
after tom brady was injured week one, my picking up kurt warner has led my team to salvation (aka the playoffs). also, deangelo williams having an awesome year, picking up steve slaton, and starting the jets defense when they were scoring all those touchdowns helps.
December 1st, 2008 at 12:01 pm
Fantasy football is a great excuse to duck out of someone’s apartment early on a Sunday morning. “Oh, I’d love to stick around, but I gotta get home and set my fantasy roster!”
Just to throw that out there.
December 1st, 2008 at 12:26 pm
Why do they call it fantasy football? Because ‘fucking shit’ was already taken.
December 1st, 2008 at 12:29 pm
Nice excuse. Lots of those Boston boys don’t have the interwebs in their mom’s basement, I mean their apartments?
December 1st, 2008 at 12:33 pm
Four teams, three playoff spots.
December 1st, 2008 at 12:43 pm
I was in second to last when I picked up Thomas Jones off the waiver wire.
Now I’m in second.
HO HO HO
December 1st, 2008 at 12:51 pm
I’d also like to extend a hearty FUCK YOU to Mr. Tomlinson. Fuck you with your own busted toe!!
December 1st, 2008 at 1:06 pm
I thought Brady and V. Young were bad enough…
then I learned slowly that Ryan Grant was off everyone’s preranking for good reason.
thankfully I gambled on Forte and T. Jones and picked up Slaton in week 2.
big shout out to Plaxico for being useless for most of the season, only to shoot himself come playoff time.
December 1st, 2008 at 1:32 pm
I cut back to only one fantasy league this year, it definitely helped. well, that and the freebasing.
December 1st, 2008 at 2:15 pm
Thomas Jones was dropped to the waiver wire? Do you feel bad competing against special needs children?
December 1st, 2008 at 4:52 pm
FUCK YOU WILLIE PARKER
December 1st, 2008 at 6:13 pm
Wow, I had wondered where Punte has been. Not in a good place, folks.
Does the hatred of Fantasy Fuckups (yours /your players) match the hatred against rival teams you hate? Inquiring minds want to know.
December 1st, 2008 at 6:17 pm
League #2: Seven weeks ago, I negotiated to trade A-Pete, Ed. Royal, & Desean Jax for J. Lewis, MJD, & Warner (he had Pey-Pey)… I didn’t realize there was a league vote on all trades & the cocksmoking faggot-ass league voted it down. Since I had no QB to speak of, A-Pete’s points were just enough to earn me respectable losses every week, while I would have safely secured a playoff spot with MJD & Warner instead!
Votes on trades= gay bullshit
December 1st, 2008 at 7:09 pm
/made playoffs in both leagues as top seed
//laughing hysterically at you cock lamps
///hoping Marion Barber doesn’t get lit up like WELKAH did against Pittsburgh, or I’m fucked.
Gotta love the Cutler/Brees combo at QB & OP.
CHAMPIONSHIP!
December 1st, 2008 at 7:44 pm
Drafted Barber, Portis, Boldin in rounds 1-3, plus Titans D in the last round = Playoff spot good enough to rely on 3 injured running backs (portis, barber, s-jax) and touchdown tyler to get me through. i don’t have a chance to see any money after by far my best draft ever…I’m going to lose to a guy who drafter Rudi Johnson in the 3rd round 2 days after he got cut from the Bengals. Bullshit.
December 2nd, 2008 at 2:42 pm
why thank you, i will enjoy chocking on cock making the playoffs in all my leagues.
shit.
December 2nd, 2008 at 7:22 pm
Hmm, I’ve always made the playoffs. It’s nice, I quite enjoy it.
December 3rd, 2008 at 3:26 am
This year I’ve played my first fantasy season. 2 leagues, 1 playoff! In playoff team I picked Brees, Roddy White, Chris Johnson, MeShawn Jackson and Ravens D. I’m brilliant!