Okay, assholes. You think you can just fucking unfairly stereotype a Jersey fan like myself and get the fuck away wit it? THAT’S WHERE YOU’RE WRONG, AM I RIGHT?
(sits on hood of car)
First off, I am NOT from fucking Rockaway. Okay? I’m clearly from Nutley, or Essex, or some other part of Upper Central Eastern Northern Middle New Jersey. IS THAT NOT FUCKING CLEAR TO YOUS? You can’t just lump all Jerseyites together like dat. Every town in Jersey contains its very own distinct tribe of people wit its own unique blend of cultures and customs. We’re like the Africa of states, except we don’t have as many n—-rs. AM I RIGHT?
(grabs dick)
Furthuhmore, the fan you described yestuhday was CLEARLY a Jets fan. Everyone knows dat. I’m a Giant fan, okay? I don’t threaten to rape women in the ass, like Jet fans do. I threaten to kick them in the tits. Big difference. You should know dat. Jets fans are the ones who have no sense of class or decorum. Like remembuh the time the Saints had their game moved to Giants stadium, and all the fans were taunting them about having their homes flooded? Those were obviously Jet fans dressed as Giant fans. AGAIN, TRYING TO SHAME THE NFL’S FLAGSHIP FRANCHISE.
(contorts face into permanent half-smirk)
Bro, bro, bro, bro. And Sanremo Pizza? You really think Giant fans eat dere, bro? PATHETIC. Everyone knows we eat at Paradiso. BEST FUCKING ITALIAN SUBS IN ALL OF NORTH JERSEY. I beat you don’t even know where it is. Do you know? I can tell you where it is. Just take the Garden State. You got EZ Pass? You need EZ Pass. Do you have EZ Pass? No? You’re a faggot.
(grabs dick again, folds NY Post at Hondo section and tuck it under arm)
All’s I’m sayin’ is dat you got it wrong. You clearly know nothing about anything. As opposed to myself, who knows everything about everything. Like these shoes. You see dese shoes? I got a fucking DEAL AND A HALF on dese shoes. And I was gonna tell you where I got dem, BUT NOW I FUCKING WON’T. You are a FUCKING FAGGOT. And if I see you in my town, I SWEAR TUH GOD I WILL FUCKING BEAT YOU TO DEATH WITH A BICYCLE CHAIN. YOU HEAR ME?
(door flies open)
Tommy: HOW FACKIN’ DAY-UH YOU COMPLAIN ABOUT BEIN’ STEREOTYPED, YOU NEW YARK FAGGOT! We, the proud fans of Celtic Nation, have been stereotyped fahhhhh longah than you! WE EARNED THIS STEREOTYPE! YOU HAVEN’T HAD TO SUFFAH LIKE WE HAVE!
Mickey: You got a fucking problem, assfuck?
Tommy: I sure FACKIN’ do! I’LL FACK YOU AND THEN JIZZ ON YOUR FAT SLUT GARLFRIEND’S EYEBROWS!
Mickey: Try it! I know many violent Italians who will fucking STRANGLE YOUS!
Tommy: Yeah? Well, I bench 225!
Mickey: 235.
Tommy: I gawt this tattoo of Sylvester raping Tweety Bird!
Mickey: I GOT A FUCKING TATTOO OF ME FUCKING YOUR MOTHUH!
Tommy: Yeah, well yar mawm’s a DAHHHHKIE!
Mickey: AND YOUR MOM’S A FUCKING SPIC!
Tommy: FACK YOU!
Mickey: FUCK YOUS! All’s I’m sayin’ is, FUCK BOSTON. AM I RIGHT!
Tommy: No! You AHHHHHH WRAWNGGGG!! DIE!
Mickey: Yo yo yo, WATCH THE FUCKING HAIR!
Tommy: I WOULD SO FACKIN’ FIGHT YOU RIGHT NOW IF I DIDN’T HAVE TO GO TAKE A SHIT.
Mickey: Then it’s a date. My fist and your sorry ass!
Tommy: Mahhhhhk it. Finally, everyone will know that BAWSTON FANS AHHH THE MOST IMPARTANT FANS IN THE WARLD! NO ONE DENIES THIS!
Mickey: Fine. But let’s go to a shitty nightclub first and grab girls by their cunts.
Tommy: Okay.
This week, we’re holding the second annual KsK Kares Kharity Drive for Fisher House, which helps build temp housing for disabled veterans and their families. You can donate directly to FH here.
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I’m trying to think of the possibilities for NFC North team fans…Bears fans discussing the cumslinger and neckbeard? Packer fans becoming Jets fans? The possbilities are endless.
Mickey- “She tasted like gaw-lic”
/fixed.
Mickey – “Byootiful. Fuckin Beautiful. Am I right? Yo Sally, take a look at this shit. It’s fuckin byootiful.”
Sally- “I don’t get it. I read it like too, tree times already and I still don’t fuckin get it. What part of Jersey is this prick from?”
Mickey – “The part of Jersey that’s wedged in your ass, you fat fuck”.
Sally – ” You know you say some hurtful things, Mickey, you really do.”
Mickey – “Fuck, Sally..I was just breaking your balls, nothing personal. Just having a little fun. Like I had with yo Mama last night, the fuckin whoo-ah!”
Sally – “I’ll kill ya, ya fuckin prick!”
Mickey – “She tasted like garlic!”
end
Yo, mickEE!
@ Boatdrinks — did you notice the way he was LIFTING WEIGHTS while he was talking to European Asshole #1 and the scary tattoed Asian/Hispanic guy?
I hope this will be the first of many posts with the “New York and Boston can both eat shit” tag.
That was AWESOME! This need to be the first of many
Aight they sprinkled a couple of “youz” in there which is an upgrade but most of my blow out wearing, gold chain wearing, AX muscle shirt wearing, Lucas Prada listening to friends rarely say nigga unless they are talking to another guido about another guido. If you your throwing a jab at a darkie its always “these fuckin’ Moolies”.
St Louisians would be vastly overweight, drive a Chevy Monte Carlo, crank Sammy Hagar, be sweaty, farmer tanned, pronounce “-or” as “-ar” (example, “Highway Farty Far” for 44), compare everything to Stan Musial, boo black athletes, drink too much Busch Light, and ask where you went to high school.
Oh, and he should constantly be updating which is actually the best pizza place.
It’s getting there but Mickey needs a few more touches. He needs to use the phrase “not for nuthin’” more often, and always ask if people are kidding him.
“I mean, not for nuthin’ bro, but are you fuckin’ kidding me? No way Peyton was a better QB than Eli.”
/Top Chef: @pr and BDD: I wondered who else was thinking that last night. That guy is Puhfect. He was puhfectly fukkin clewless on why was going home too! I think the measure of a Top Chef contestant is if they have a clue why they are staying or going. He did not. Eugene knew he was “this” close to the edge.
Did ya TF88? Did you ROFL or LMAO or LSOIPM (laugh so hard I peed myself)?
Worst. Fanboy. Poster. Ever.
Clearly “grabbing cunts” means making out in the back of u-haul truck.
I just lol’ed.
Best. Post. Ever.
As a Philly fan I thoroughly enjoyed this post. Thank you, Drew! It was like watching the DeNiro-Pacino scene from Heat, except with two complete douchebags. Fuck Boston and New York.
/returning to “emo” state… now
Holy shit. There is now a hole in the time-space continum. Isnt there some kind of law about two organisms comprised of the exact same matter existing in….
/head explodes.
I think I peed a little out of sheer excitement when I saw Tawmee make an appearance.
Mickey: Yo yo yo, WATCH THE FUCKING HAIR!
wow, you had to have followed a guido around for a week to get this gem! fuckin priceless! North Jersey babY!
Clarification about “NO ONE DENIES THIS.” Is that Bill Simmons or is it just so Simmons that he doesn’t even need to say it?
Also, if the reward for living out a fatwa is bedding Padma for a few years, then I’ve got some cartoons that I wanna post.
priceless, god bless you BDD
There is definitely a rip in a space-time continuum now. The universe is about to implode on itself as we speak. Thanks Drew.
And NEW YAWK IS THE CENTAH A DA FRIGGIN’ UNIVERSE YA COUNTRY FUCKS. DON’T COME HEAH IF YA KNOWS WAHT’S GOOD FOH YAH. AM I RIGHT??? OF COURSE I’M FRIGGIN RIGHT. NOW FUCK AWF.
@G. Hill
The I-Banking field is flooded with Nova grads. Richmond, Nova and BC. I can’t escape them.
The new Wade and Jerry.
sigh…I was hoping Tommy would have been killed by Mickey. No Welkah references? HES THE BEST WIDE RECIEVEAH IN THE LEAGUE AND HE ISN’T EVEN AH DAHKIE LIKE MOSS. NO ONE DENIES THIS.
I also watch Top Chef.
Oh, Padma. I’ll serve you pork loin any day.
the guy kicked off “top chef” last night could play mickey in the made-for-TV movie “Stereotypes are Awesome: NO ONE DENIES THIS!!!”
/first post ever here
//yes, i watch “top chef”
Kudos for the ultra-regional Jersey reference … this was a coup de grace.
Two years ago I met a lady who was from “North Jersey” I noted that my family grew up nearby … just 3-4 towns over …. maybe 15 minutes apart … she looked like I was a fucking dolt and said AND I QUOTE “I thought yous said North Jersey”
Drew, not to nitpick, but most Giants fans I know pepper their conversations with “AWL DAY!” more than you indicate.
“Personally, I think we need a typical douchebag Cowboys fan to complete the set.” But shouldn’t Drew wait until the Cowboys are actually, you know, good?
Everyone knows that it’s Brother’s Pizza that’s the best in Jersey. There’s only 500 of them.
@2Port: +1
@TF: – 1 million (that NSF… bullshit was criminally insufficient)
Pretty close to reality. You got the misogynistic tendencies spot on. I thought I lived in the Twilight Zone until I moved out of Long Island.
I still fold my fuckin’ pizza though.
promise that if the jets make the playoffs, you add this guy:
http://cache.gettyimages.com/xc/72282593.jpg?v=1&c=ViewImages&k=2&d=17A4AD9FDB9CF193875DCB1DD8387ABB4AAA41F67EE9F896A40A659CEC4C8CB6
I second the notion from the distinguished Reggie Bush’s Pimp.
Just noticed Mickey is wearing the best douchetard jersey…perfectly symbolizing him! The Jeremy Shockey!
You forgot to add the typical, “Why do I think the Giants will win the Super Bowl? Because they’re the fuckin’ New York fuckin’ Giants, ova here!”
[grabs cock]
Am I right?
You can easily replace Giants with Yankees, Mets, Knicks, Rangers, Devils, Jets, Cowboys. Ya hear me?
/grabs cock
TF: Move it down to the Maryland-Delaware border and you’ve got a deal.
I was enjoying Mickey’s spiel when Tawwmy arrived…and made it even better.
But they would not be going to a club to pick up chicks. Not after last year’s Super Bowl. They’d get into shoving match before some big black bouncer would kick them both in their taints.
@ Jersey: Villanova? Which i-bank is that?
@2Port: and then they came for the Giants fans, but I am a Giants fan and I….
…oh fuck it, who am I kidding. I left New York for a reason.
@TF: dick.
Is there any chance we could find the poor schmuck that is the ‘real’ Tommy in the picture? You know, the real guy, who I hope is really named Tommy. I want to mail this guy a ‘Thank You’ card for being the perfect poster boy for Massholes. I’d also like to mail him a ‘Fuck You’ card for being from Boston.
Here’s your Yinzer:
http://i223.photobucket.com/albums/dd255/jandrews72/SteelersFan.jpg
NSFMentalHealth
@ 2Port:
+1. Nothing like adding to a sterotype post with a Holocaust reference.
225 is pretty weak for someone on ‘roids, no?
Add the Emo Philly dude, a Yinzer, the ‘Skins fan and a South Side Irish ala the Superfans, and you’re golden. Bearz.
“At KSK, they came first for the Pat’s Fans, And I didn’t speak up because I wasn’t a Pat’s Fan; And then they came for the Giant’s Fans, And I didn’t speak up because I wasn’t a Giant’s Fan; And then they came for the Skin’s Fans, And I didn’t speak up because I wasn’t a Skin’s Fan; And then . . . they came for me . . . And by that time there was no one left to speak up.”
You gotta do an I-Banker. Graduated from Villanova of course. Loves his Amstel Light. Wears “Deal” Shoes. And tells everyone he’s an Ibanker but he’s really in research.
Hey, us Brits are feeling a little left out. Where’s our horrific misrepresentation you cad!
So Drew, can we get a figure on the total number of dickheaded Giants fans who e-mailed you after yesterday’s post?
@Rocco: Like collecting Garbage Pail Kids, only far more offensive.
KSK ferverntly working to complete the set of all 32 stereotyped fans.
/Got it, got it, need it, got it, need it, got it, got it, got it.
I think we should also throw a Raiders fan into the mix, and let the racial slurs fly!
“Who you tryin’ to get crazy wit’, ese? Don’t you know I’m loco!?”
Not only a Yinzer stereotype, but I love that fat Redskins fan in the basketball jersey–can we get some more of him?
Can we just put a fortified barricade on I-95 right above Philly?
@claude balls: I second that. Absolutely. I have a coworker who would fit the bill, too. Unfortunately, he’s currently more concerned with bitching incessantly about how UT got robbed by the BCS.
Mahhhhhk it.
Flawless Victory.
when worlds collide!
“folds NY Post at Hondo section and tuck it under arm” , also +1 for the Hondo reference
You got EZ Pass? You need EZ Pass. Do you have EZ Pass? No? You’re a faggot.
Actually, I have to agree with Mickey there. If you ever drive in or out of Manhattan — even once a month — and don’t have EZ Pass, then you’re fucking retarded. I suppose some people might actually enjoy paying more and waiting in line for ten minutes instead of breezing through, but I got better shit to do. AM I RIGHT?
This post was already a 10, but Tawmmy’s entrance vaulted it into the stratosphere
Well done.
@MikeLupica: Personally, I think we need a typical douchebag Cowboys fan to complete the set.
Sweet Jesus I was praying this would happen!
More homoerotic than when Julian the 49er’s fan and Randolph the Tampa Bay fan got in a slap fight?
I sincerely doubt Tommy would cozy up so some Jawney Come Lately Bandwagon Jumper like Mickey. The Giants stole the mantle of immortality from his beloved Patriots.
NO ONE DENIES THIS!
Mickey and Tommy meet? I’m surprised the universe didn’t just implode.
Well, this has given some life to Tommy. Now all we need is a Yinzer, and we can call it the United Nations.
KSK bringing cultural understanding to differnt fanbases since 2008.