The Hater’s Guide to the Postseason: NFC 6th Seed — Philadelphia Eagles
If you find yourself confronted with an NFL postseason without a rooting interest and unmoved by Don Cheadle soliloquies, you must draw from the well of that most powerful of human emotions. Ok, well, lust probably won’t do here. But the second most powerful, hate, will serve as a fine proxy. This is the first in a series of posts filled with bile, spleen, vitriol and all-around nastiness toward all the teams involved with the sordid roundelay we know as the NFL Playoffs.
Donovan McNabb: CAW CAW
Brian Westbrook: A-heh-heh. That’s good stuff, Donovan.
McNabb: CAW CAW
Westbrook: Yeah, always great to win our last game. Especially over punk-ass Dallas.
Andy Reid: All right, gentlemen. We live to play another week.
McNabb: [Sotto voce to Westbrook] The fuck’s he talking about? I thought the season was over.
Westbrook: [Sotto voce to McNabb] I don’t know. Maybe he’s joking. Laugh like you got it.
McNabb: [Out loud] HAHAHAHAHAHAHA! That’s funny, coach. Next week? HAHAHAHAHA. You always could make me laugh. So when do you wanna hit the buffet? All this running out of the pocket the last few weeks, I think I actually dropped a couple pounds. Can’t have that.
Reid: We made the playoffs. We play next week.
McNabb: …
Westbrook: …
Reid: Y’know, a seeded tournament that determines who is the best team in the league through a series of head-to-head contests, wherein I blow it for us through a bevy of poor playcalling and inept clock management.
McNabb: You mean we have more games?
Reid: Yes. That is what I am saying.
McNabb: THE FUCK!?
Westbrook: Shit, my ankle. I think this one is season-ending.
Reid: Okay. Westbrook: questionable for Minnesota. You’ll go through limited pracitice on Friday and rush for 150 on Sunday. Donovan, need you at the facility bright and early on Tuesday.
McNabb: Why didn’t anyone tell me about this shit?
Reid: There’ve been playoffs before. You even took part in some of them.
McNabb: That doesn’t sound like something I would do.
Douchebag Iggles Fans: BBBBBBBBOOOOOOOOOOOOO FUCK THESE GUYS! KOLB TO CURTIS! KOLB TO CURTIS! KOLB TO CURTIS! BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! WORLD FUCKING CHAMPIONS! KOLB TO CURTIS, THEN LATERAL TO CHUTLEY!
McNabb: This wouldn’t have happened in Chicago.
Tags: black is not that slimming andy, Donovan McNabb, douchebag Eagles fans, hater's guide to the postseason, xmas ape
December 29th, 2008 at 1:23 pm
I wonder what mood the Emo Eagles are in today.
December 29th, 2008 at 1:26 pm
What will Donovan do if the first overtime ends in a tie?
December 29th, 2008 at 1:27 pm
Yes… good… your hate sustains me.
Also, any fellow Iggles fan who thinks Kolb is the answer can eat a bag of dicks.
December 29th, 2008 at 1:34 pm
i dunno, of all the playoff teams the iggles seem fairly benign to me. can’t really ramp up the hate. now some of those AFC teams… thats an entirely different story.
December 29th, 2008 at 1:34 pm
Reid looks like a photo neg of the michelin man. though i guess that would be “michelin man in blackface” ?
/hope you’re saving Ravens for last so your hate has time to marinate
December 29th, 2008 at 1:35 pm
@Donovan http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nIT5sFhw4sU&feature=related
December 29th, 2008 at 1:36 pm
I hear Reid is scheduled to play Violet Beauregard in the next Willy Wonka film. Wait, she was a blueberry? Forget it, they don’t need a giant blackberry.
/It was a 50/50 shot anyhow.
December 29th, 2008 at 1:38 pm
i want all Eagles fans to burn in hell.
/setting fires in South Philly in 3…2…1…
December 29th, 2008 at 1:40 pm
jackin’ – the one good thing about Philly fans is that they’re willing to kill one another. I appreciate that!
December 29th, 2008 at 1:41 pm
Has Ben regained his senses yet?
December 29th, 2008 at 1:44 pm
If only the Saints had won on Sunday then ALL would have ended perfect on week 17. The thought of Painther fans getting jobbed out of a home game because their team got bored at the end of the 4th would have made up for yet another example in failure that is being a Saints fan.
December 29th, 2008 at 1:49 pm
Alternatively, you could just have posted that video of DeSean Jackson on MNF in Week 2.
December 29th, 2008 at 1:50 pm
Good lord, Andy Reid has reached the point where I almost feel sorry for how large he is.
December 29th, 2008 at 2:00 pm
I can’t believe that the so called “America’s Team” STILL hasn’t been able to win a playoff game in 13 years. I mean even the Saints and Cardinals have won a playoff game since then……ouch!!
December 29th, 2008 at 2:00 pm
From Grimey’s website, courtesy of another site, I present the truf of the iggles:
http://loljocks.blogspot.com/2008/12/brian-westbrook-is-concerned.html
December 29th, 2008 at 2:10 pm
*nods head*
December 29th, 2008 at 2:17 pm
During his press conference that just finished up a few minutes ago, Brad Childress said that Reid is a “great racquetball player” and a “helluva athlete”. I wish I was kidding.
December 29th, 2008 at 2:19 pm
Since when are “Douchebag from Arkansas” and “America” synonymous?
December 29th, 2008 at 2:19 pm
WAS, you might not be kidding but Childress must be.
December 29th, 2008 at 2:23 pm
Amelie Gillette and the Onion’s AV Club would like a word with you.
December 29th, 2008 at 2:27 pm
Jacking this thread to add a line from Simmons’ latest column:
Neither hypothetical situation is up for debate.
Is BS reading KSK or is that not an inventive way of saying “NO ONE DENIES THIS!”???
December 29th, 2008 at 2:31 pm
I don’t really have anything major against the other 11 teams/regions, so I’m going to have to dig deeper to find hatred for this year’s playoff teams. I know I can do it (I am a black-hearted asshole, after all) but it won’t be easy.
I hate my Vikings, but self-loathing isn’t any fun. Oh, I got it- I have a wicked Queen Harpy of an ex-girlfriend who now lives in San Diego. So there it is. I despise the Chargers! Hatred wins again!
December 29th, 2008 at 2:35 pm
is mcnabb trying to join the bluth family chicken dance?
go eagles. fuck dallas.
December 29th, 2008 at 2:36 pm
No, not Chutley! He’s got a bum hip!
December 29th, 2008 at 2:43 pm
A Hater’s Guide would be good for me. With New England and Dallas out I don’t know who to root against.
December 29th, 2008 at 2:46 pm
Wild Fucking Card!
/Utley’d
December 29th, 2008 at 3:19 pm
Hmmm, Philadelphia hatred, Philadelphia hatred, let’s see…
Oh, here’s one: how come, with all of Philly’s history in the founding of our great nation, are they not the capital, but a District built on swampland with baffling and insane municipal planning is?
Steak ‘n’ Cheese sandwiches are grossly-overrated. And I love both steak and cheese.
Philadelphia sports fans are assholes.
December 29th, 2008 at 3:22 pm
Amelie Gillette and the Onion’s AV Club would like a word with you.
We’ve been doing this feature for three years.
December 29th, 2008 at 3:30 pm
Damn. Andy Reid is one oven-stuffer looking motherfucker
December 29th, 2008 at 4:10 pm
The only good thing out of Philly is their cheesesteaks. Other than that, they can all get fucked with the Massholes.
The Vikings should set up a Hostess cupcake taste test and free sample table outside the Eagles locker room. We may never see Reid on the sideline.
On second thought, that might be the best thing for the Eagles, so put the table on the sideline.
December 29th, 2008 at 5:02 pm
Gino Tourettsa: Philadelphia was once the capital of the United States (as was Trenton, NJ & New York City) but the capital was moved to Wasington DC as a compromise with the southern states as Philly was (at the time) considered too “Northeast” in influence which would have negative consequences for the South. /nerdhat
A properly made cheesesteak hoagie is something to behold and I agree with your assessment on Philly fans being assholes… although I limit it to the sub-segment of tools who think McNabb should be shipped and Kolb the starter: am I the only one who saw Kolb look like shit in every snap he took from center in the regular season?
December 29th, 2008 at 5:49 pm
@ Animal Mother
In Philly it would be heresy to have Hostess cupcakes…..TASTYKAKES !!!!! Tru Dat….Double Tru
And I agree……. a well made cheesesteak is one of life’s great pleasures
/lived four year in center city Philly
//don’t like the Eagles or their “phans”
///Still gotta love anyone who embarassed Dallas like that
December 29th, 2008 at 5:59 pm
@ Loph
Thanks for the clarification. The Philly/D.C. thing you said makes perfect sense. In high school US History class, I most of my time pretending to drop my pen so I could kneel down, hoping to get a look up the girls’ skirts. Sometimes it even worked.
December 29th, 2008 at 6:01 pm
Oh yeah, Philadelphia fans are still assholes. I wish Donovan McNabb could play for my Vikings, where he would fail in a more nurturing environment.
December 29th, 2008 at 6:50 pm
We’ve been doing this feature for three years.
Woops.
December 29th, 2008 at 7:30 pm
Re: black is not that slimming andy
Ouch. Mr. Ape, that was uncalled for. Making fun of fat people is appealing to the lowest common denominator. And that’s not what this blog is about, darn it!
December 29th, 2008 at 8:16 pm
Fuck you for making me look up “sotto voce.” Assholes…
December 29th, 2008 at 8:34 pm
im glad i like the eagles from nashville.those philly superfans look to be too much. the man with a hardhat with flapping eagle included deserves a swift kick in the nuts.and then behind him you have the universal fan that goes to the game and still listens to it on the radio guy.not a slight against philly with that one tho,those fucking d-bags are everywhere
December 29th, 2008 at 9:07 pm
Andy Reid is the kind of fat person fat people make fun of.
December 29th, 2008 at 11:10 pm
I can’t muster up any amount of hatred for a team that just destroyed the Cowboys like they did. I fucking hate that team. I’ve always had a soft spot for them ever since they went to three straight NFC Championship games, they’re still loveable losers to me.
December 30th, 2008 at 1:47 am
Ancient: Fuck you for not knowing what “sotto voce” means. Half-wit…
December 30th, 2008 at 1:55 am
@Ape
“Sotto voce”? This is the USA, we don’t speak Italian. Wanna speak Italian, go to Mexico.
December 30th, 2008 at 11:38 am
FORTISSIMO VOCE:
SKOL VIKINGS!
December 30th, 2008 at 2:29 pm
great entry just lmfao
cows sucks,jus wanna say